Change Your Image
opforce3
Reviews
Demons at the Door (2004)
If I had to choose between Demons at the Door and drinking 3 week old lard kept in the muffler of a 1920 ford....
I'd pick demons at the door. but not by much. Demons at the door is possibly my favorite movie purely for the laugh factor. i truly believe it is the worst movie ever made. it completely blows away all other movie i can possibly imagine, and i've seen most movies. and it features "MUSIC BY INSANE CLOWN POSSE!!!"
the movie starts out with a horrific montage in the style of star wars, but with a narration that goes so slow the words that are spoken are not even on the screen. the first scene introduces one of our "heroes"(and i use the term lightly) Anna excavating a single wall horribly placed in the middle of the desert with some guy. Soon a generic middle-eastern terrorist shows up and grabs Anna and shoots the guy (no wonder he isn't given credit, its 2 minutes in and he's dead!) attempting to rape Anna(thats a jihad for you) another hero Castellano and Spencer show up to "rescue the *****!"(starts with a "w" and rhymes with "boar) in the words of the terrorist. after letting her go, the terrorist drops an explosive a.k.a. a cell phone with yellow duct tape on it. they evacuate the area by rolling under a blast door right next to the ancient wall in the middle of the desert. and then the first of many horrific effects happens: the terrorist explodes into 3 pieces as if the movie was done on flash(which wouldn't surprise me). apparently this opens the gateway to hell...
next we are introduced to Anna's father, doctor Angelo. soon they are visited by the "arch-angel Uriel" who, after fending of a sock puppet demon from hell, tells them of a great battle between the earth and the heavens and a magical amulet called the "eye of Satan". they obviously are prepared with a huge stash of machine guns and the like on site with them since they ARE a research team after all. the doctor receives visions from a villain from power rangers... er.. i mean a DEMON!!!
soon after they receive messages from the same demon (you want more than 3 costumes? go watch something decent) about how the demons are going to do many bad things which cannot be said here to them. the doctor enters the bathroom/lab/kitchen and is attacked by a snake demon that eats his head. it is a sock puppet, but it does eat his head, which is rather funny looking. Mr Spencer later enters and kills the demon by wrestling it to the ground, pulling its teeth out as it cusses and makes racist comments at him, then ripping it in half as nickelodeon ooze sprays everywhere. it was 100x more than ever seen on super sloppy double dare. after wards he slips on the slime and with a cartooney sound effect he falls down and hallucinates that the headless doctor is talking. more racism, more bad jokes, more bad effects.
more stuff happens, more stuff... eventually Anna takes a shower(we all need to keep clean after all) and is attacked by a monster to attempts yet another rape, but is cut short(cue laughter) as castellano shows up with a chain saw and lets her cut off the demon's private bits. after a fight with a talking eyeball and castellano blowing himself up to go to hell to fight Satan, he shows up at Satan's throne to find Satan is a very small dog. he laughs. makes more bad jokes, and fights his wife who is a female sumo wrestler. he then feeds the dog the eye of Satan with a cell-phone-esquire bomb on it and detonates. what follows is the worst effect in cinema history. the dogs eyes turn red, roll off his face as if done in flash again, then his head shoots off in an explosion done in all the grace of the first episode of south park and the body falls off screen. he is joined in hell by his friend the "one armed fudgicle as he was called after his arm was amputated, see the movie) and they have a drink. then the movie ends.
thank you knyrim family for bringing us this grace to the silver screen.
Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990)
Kick-arse old-school alien flick!
A p*ssed-off alien escapes from a lab. An evil CEO tries to keep things hush-hush by hiring two evil hit men. A group of not-so-evil scientists and civilians are trapped in the building with the alien, thus becoming it's dinner. That might not sound like much of a plot, but don't let that jade you: This is a gory, effects-packed ride, and a heck of a fun one at that. Acting isn't very good and the plot has holes, but this is a fun one anyways. Some kick-@ss gore, and the creature effects are great. None of this crappy CG stuff that looks like Atari graphics like we see today, we're talking stop-motion and prosthetics like in Alien and The Thing. REAL special effects. This is a fun flick, a good old-fashioned monster movie that doesn't shy away from the good stuff like the crap Resident Evil movies or the new Star Wars films. Fans of old-school horror will be pleased by what this baby has to offer! 3 stars out of 4 (8/10).