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dark_nebulae2003
Reviews
The Scorpion King (2002)
Decent
Not near as good as Conan the Barbarian, but it does try. I guess it's the magic of Dino De Lauretis and his special sort of sleaze. Yeah. It has a special charm to it. The crew of this one, however, just doesn't have the same appeal and was something that I was hoping for the first time I saw this in theaters, but was deeply disappointed. :( And speaking of Conan, the ending is somewhat reminiscent of Conan's where the victor lurks over the kingdom by mountaintop. He did, however, knock his ass into a bowel of fire, which I guess the film theorizes is much more heroic than decapitation anyday. The only difference is that the Scorpion King is met w/ WAY MORE praise than Conan ever was because the Scorpion King never chopped off their master's head in front of him. Of course the masses weren't as brainwashed w/ the king's sorcery neither. More or less, this just happens to be a much more optimistic barbarian knock-off than Conan ever was.
My favorite in-joke in this one, so far, was that the witch told the king that she had to remain a virgin in order for her powers to be intact. And she was lying thru her teeth too. That was just too cold! But about halfway into this, I was really skeptical of this chick's awesome. I mean her predictions were only half-right. However throughout half the flick, it makes it seem like she has an uncanny foresight, which is solely responsible for her lord's success. Then I'm asking myself, "if she's THAT unreliable, why in the hell is he still king now?"
Jaws (1975)
Deep Amazon Sharks
I've seen this thing countless of times since I was young. In fact, it was my mother's favorite and was the first movie that we ever rented as soon as they were available on the market in the early 80s. And there were two scenes that just HORRIFIED me and still produce a shock each time -- the part where the head pops out of the sunken boat and the part where the Skipper gets his. Since then the part where the guy's leg falls off into the ocean floor has pretty much rivaled that scene's scariness.
However none of those were very realistic attacks. The most realistic one was the first one -- the girl in the bay. There's probably attacks like that in seaside resorts all over every whenever. And that is the part where you learn not to trick a shark into thinking you are a seal.
However, in none of these were mentions of the very FACT that a shark CAN swim anywhere up to half-way down the Amazon and even into the New Jersey channel as long as the water remains, "brackish" -- that is, a hybrid of salt & fresh water. And my question is, "why?" It would seem logical. After all, Spielberg and Benchley would have you believe that a shark intentionally seeks out a human or even boat victim like it had a radar or something when that's the furthest thing from reality. One such race of shark is the bull-shark, though there are others, and I wouldn't doubt that the Great White would be among them. Yet, nowhere in the film did it even think of doing such things as has been found in real-life, supposedly.
7 is the highest rating that I've gave a film so far, and I probably won't go much further than that because no film's perfect. However this one, for a mid-70s thriller, isn't bad. It's just a bit repetitive because it's over 30 and is on all the time. So I gave it that because it has never really worn out and still manages to have its moments at least. However, I had to knock off points because it too is capable of insulting my intelligence and has also been somewhat responsible for genocide of sharks worldwide. At least though, it did inspire others to learn more about them.
An overall very powerful and unique film and book alike.
Surf Nazis Must Die (1987)
Missing sharks
It's because of films like these, which serve as the reason why Troma rules. OK. So Troma's got some stinkers out there after 30+ yrs of experience, but not many. They are, by far, the best low budget schlock makers in the world! The only ones who can hold a candle to them might be say Full Moon & Roger Corman. If ya like Troma's stuff, then check them out too.
But one thing: where were the sharks in this one? I would've loved to see one of those surf Nazis or various other chomped by a shark. And while although it's been a while since I've seen this, I don't recall even seeing a fin's tip.
The scene where the "n" word was used just conjures up memories of my own personal experiences as a boy nicely. Of course I didn't murder anybody and brag about it in the wide open in front of two girls before. What a jackass!
In nearly 30 years, now *damn where did the time go?* there unfortunately hasn't been a sequel to its name. And I would love to see one more ridiculously good time w/ the surf Nazis. At least this film, along w/ most other troma films, doesn't take itself near as seriously as the blockbusters who just come off as stupid.
And yes, if you will read my review carefully, I'm pretty much agreeing w/ another commenter who also called it, "ridiculously good." That much it is. I gave this a 7, which is the highest I gave a movie of its kind so far.
Halloween II (1981)
Halloweeny's more like it
OK. I would like to complain that out of all the slasher movie franchises, I FRIGGIN' HATE Halloween above them all. While although the first one was by far the superior installment of this franchise, the sequels are just plain stupid. I'll give you a few good reasons why in the review as I had to look up the definition of a spoiler before I could go onto write anymore reviews on here.
One of the biggest turn offs in a film is inconsistency of logic or a lack of realism at least. Therefore, most movies --regardless of genre-- are turn offs as a rule for that reason. I mean it would be one thing if Myers was a resurrected psycho like Jason who couldn't stop, but he's clearly not. He's human like you and I, though apparently on PCP or something that makes him almost superhuman. I guess I could forgive the latter sequels more easily because that's exactly what he's supposed to be in those.
Kudos: I think that this is the only slasher I've seen that's based in a hospital. No other slasher that I've seen since has had such a prop-base.
Complaint: Michael Myers gets shot right between the eyes, and then gets back up and starts stalking again. I don't know if anyone else caught this, but I did and I have found that to be the BIGGEST INSULT to my intelligence. Even a crack-head on PCP would think twice about stalking when shot between the eyes! In contrast to the first film, I found this to be equal to getting stabbed in the jugular w/ a knife. OUCH! Then, they blow themselves up, kill Myers, and leave in an ambulance. Wtf? * Laughs *
Whoever wrote that script ought to have been fired for stupidity! And unlike in the last film, Michael Myers, as someone else mentioned, has been reduced to nothing more than a human shark swimming after his prey in the sea of terror-struck-Haddonfield. And this is well portrayed in even Michael Myers' mannerisms as he seems somewhat stiff in contrast to the original. (I guess he hadn't gotten used to having about six slugs plugged into his major organs, already.)
There are one pair of tits at least, whom are ravaged in one of the meanest scenes that I've seen in a slasher. And there is a lot of blood, though it's not excessive as some other slashers I've seen. And how Myers escapes getting his hands burnt off during this is a mystery to me? As for me, the audience, being that this was cable TV, I was bored thru this, while wondering what kind of crank that Carpenter and crew were on when they wrote this? But anyways, I gave it a 3 because I could finish it and I even fell in love w/ some of the characters; so the acting wasn't bad at all.
Children of the Corn (1984)
Decent
I agree w/ pretty much w/ what everyone said here so far. The only thing that I found mediocre or disappointing were the production values. This movie, being one of the first evil kids flick that I've ever seen, had a sort of goosebumps feel to it, though it was still a few years behind that. Otherwise, it was just another 80s horror flick though the blood is minimal and the tits are absent. :( And being that this is a loose adaptation of King's short story, I never did waste my money on the sequels whatsoever.
But a couple of things no one's mentioned:
1.) This reminds me of an episode of the X-files called, "Second Coming." I think they ripped off Children of the Corn directly because the parallels are obvious. 2.) Exactly what the hell kind of monster was, "he who walks behind the rows," supposed to be in the first place? An overgrown worm that's been nuked by too much pesticide or what? 3.) And how come two kids resisted Isaac's mind poison w/out getting hurt or anything? I wonder if these people got back to Seattle and got a little unpleasant surprise w/ their new adoptees? I wouldn't doubt it.
Otherwise, I think that about wraps it up for this one, y'all.
Kiss Daddy Goodnight (1987)
why was this included in the pack?
not even close to a horror film. therefore, i'm not even sure why this was included in the brentwood DVD pack, but it was. so again, here i was expecting to be scared, when i was just plain bored. this about as much of a 'horror' flick as was Scream. i really hate it when it Hollywood misadvertises like that.
this is way more of a suspense than anything. uma thurman fans will also apply, but will need to beware just in case.
the film looks older than what it is. and i always found that weird how Hollywood also lock away films for years and then releasing them whenever. great score though.
Crucible of Terror (1971)
Unholy terror is right
Man, I almost finished this one. So I wanted to give it a two just because I can. However, the only reason I didn't finish this one was because I got dozens of movies that came in packs. So being that I was paying more attention to a website than I was to this, I had to shut it off and quit wasting my time.
But yeah. It's pretty much what everyone else said it was ie BORING. More of a very outdated drama about an artist who's flat-broke and lookin' to make a buck. Oh yeah. He's possessed too. Ooohhh scary. In reality, they'd call that a con-artist -- DELUXE! Maybe I just wasn't paying attention, but I don't think that the film ever revealed exactly what he was supposed to be possessed bye... unless it's one of those that you have to wait until the ending in which the wait is way too torturous for that. Anyways, the best part about this was that it was a part of the Brentwood Movie Pack. YAY. Got it for about a buck. Can't beat that.
Scream 2 (1997)
Screamable 2
OK. Again, going by my own rules, I GOTTA GIVE THIS A 2. I would've given it a 1, but I actually finished this movie. So I really have no choice, and will prefer it to a movie that just bored me to the point where I had to shut it off well before the end.
But anyways, in the tradition of almost any sequel of any genre, the first is always or almost always the superior here. This is of no exception to the rule despite humor to the contrary at first where the film-students boast & brag about sequels being better such as the case of Empire Strikes Back etc. In fact, after having seen bits of 3 too, I'd have to say this was the worst installment yet! They even go out of their way to make fun of themselves in the middle of the movie. And that ought to give you a clue that this is a genuine joke of a 'horror movie' in itself. The humor though is kinda stale after a while. On the other hand, however, it is nice to see that someone doesn't take himself that seriously like most others, despite the fact that they do tend to make their audience laugh rather than scream as intended.
Anyways, no tits/almost no blood -- yep, a 2 in my book. If you enjoy 90120, then this flick's for you. If you want a real one, then waste your time on something else.
The Boy from Hell (1988)
Not bad really
When I sat down to watch this, it wasn't like I was expecting to be scared or anything. In fact, I was expecting to be amused, and I was. I purposely watch bad films like this w/ the hope of some gritty sleaze, and am disappointed that there isn't even that, really. But as the rules dictate, if I could finish it, it got at least a two. And I finished this one, weirdly.
I gave it a three because of the acting and tight budget. And that's pretty rare. Given the script and dialog, the actors couldn't have done better. I'm just disappointed that they didn't appear in more. One striking thing though, the actor Aerin Teich likes to play guys named Charlie. He was in another movie that was released the previous year (1987) playing another Charles too.
The only reason why I bought this thing was because it came in Tromaville's triple DVD pack. And it was the 2nd best one.
One hint of confusion there: is Daniel's dad supposed to be a demon or a ghost? I really can't figure it out. Theoritically, he can't be a ghost if he possesses Daniel, but he looks like Daniel's father in spirit form. WTF? What great logic!
And then to top it all off, the house mothers were getting' all mushy over each other, and I'm like cringing. Not sexy at all. Watcn it and you'll understand why.
The Dark (1979)
2 a.m. Saturday Night
I remember that this one used to come on quite frequently on one of the networks during the early 80s. I used to kick back and watch it in the dark. It freaked me out! I know. It was lame, stupid, but I was no more than five or so, so I couldn't have known any better. And the only reason why I remember it was because of the narrator and then the screaming. The last time I rented this, I found myself laughing somehow through it. Honestly can't remember why or where?
It's kind of weird how this flick came out the same year as Alien though. And from what the legend holds, the filmmakers didn't seem to be intentional w/ that being that it was supposed to be another cheap zombie flick. It took the success of star wars to make them change their minds. I suppose it was the fate of 79?
As far as the film and its mechanics go, then everything everyone said about it so far is true. The film's about as murky as the bowels of Loch Noss! And it is a contender for the top 5 worst films of all time. The Planet of the Apes remake had suffered similarly tragedy w/ switching cast & crew, but it turned out way better, even if the talent was superior and the budget was bigger.
Blood Beach (1980)
Soap Opera Beach
I agree w/ what some of the reviews here had said already. One of them being that it's a mistake or blatant misadvertisement to think or call this a 'horror' film. For a horror film, it had an unbelievable load of load of character-development and between-the-sheets-action which make up for an obvious lack of plot here. And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the writers went on to write episodes of General Hospital, Dynasty, or other 80s soaps. And because of that, the film is boring and just wonders away from more fascinating things aimlessly. At least that's what I remember because it's been a year or so since I seen it last.
However, never fear. I didn't watch this because it was critically acclaimed or anything. In comparison to today's more action-like-horror-films which offer no tits, no sleaze, no blood or cool effects even, it's a keeper because I get sick of that real quick. I watched namely because of John Saxon, the promise of tits, sleaze, scaly tentacles, and a few pints of blood. That was it, and it was fun. In the end, it's all that really counts.
Machine Head (2000)
Cute re-animator knockoff
I guess no one else saw this one? Speaking of seeing, this marks the first ever digitally-shot flick that I've ever seen, which I thought was strange and generic at the same time as there was little doubt that the product was direct-to-homevideo.
Anyways, I just wanted everyone to know, it was FUNNY as hell! I was definitely pleased with this one. Kept me laughing all the way through. There's nothing funnier than seeing a Frankenstein wannabe with a lawnmower attached to his skull like an overgrown tumor. It somewhat reminded me of Stephen King's The Lawnmower Man (short story only) for some reason though I am sure it's totally unrelated.
The movie's style is cheap like it were made with a home-movie; the acting is HORRID; its atmosphere is respectably dark and Gothic; the dialog is lame; no tits and a little gore, but the movie has its own redemption in the end though with a twisting end that'll actually surprise its would be audience. And the Herbert West wannabe looks strikingly like pornstar Jim Powers weirdly enough, and as a result, I notice that there's virtually no credits for this film.
Good for a rental. Plenty of campy fun for fans of bad movies like me. Fans of Ed Wood style schlock should enjoy this the most.