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Deal or No Deal (2005)
The Dumbest Game Show of All Time
What could be more idiotic than a "game" where all the contestant does is push his luck and hope that at its end he blindly guessed that he chose he right suitcase? Answer: a show that has twenty leggy, wannabe Hollywood starlets who open the suitcases (so men will tune in). A show where a secret "accountant" offers the contestant the option of taking a lesser amount of money instead of going all the way to the last two suitcases. (Said amount is obviously based on a simple formula that always offers around half of the total money in all the untaken suitcases.) No, this is not a game show -- it's a prime example of the utter stupidity of the people who created it -- and watch it.
The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962)
A Silly Western
The major problem with this movie is that big, bad villain Liberty Valence (Lee Marvin) is scared of John Wayne. This makes Valence something less than intimidating. It garnered mixed reviews at best during its initial release, but over time starry-eyed critics started seeing merit where there is none. Dramatic tension is sorely lacking, there are plenty of silly and unrealistic moments, and the climactic scene is a self-mocking fraud. Also, Jimmy Stewart's performance is not good. Finally, Gene Pitney's eponymous song was cut from the film. "Liberty Valance" gets my vote for Most Overrated Western Ever Made.
Leave the World Behind (2023)
Blame the Writer/Director
Yes, once again a writer directs -- and vice versa -- and the result is a complete and utter flop. You can blame the long list of producers, too, which includes writer-director Sam Esmail -- Julia Roberts, Marisa Yeres Gill, Lisa Gillan, Sam Esmail, Chad Hamilton, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama. Why anyone would think those last two have any entertainment field talent in the first place is beyond me.
The film clearly doesn't know what it wants to be. Two very well-dressed, educated black folks appear at the front door of what they claim is their own house, having rented it to Julia Roberts and family. Is this flick a mystery? Phones and the internet aren't working; an oil tanker runs aground. Is this a disaster movie? White family is suspicious of black folks and racial tension ensues. Is it a social commentary? Animals are having migration issues -- an environmental commentary? This amateurish movie is full of uninspired red herrings all the way to the end, which feebly suggests that our own government is responsible for intentionally destroying our country. Avoid.
Squid Game: The Challenge (2023)
At Least the Original Version Had Some Dramatic Tension
I thought this was the sequel to the first Squid Game, but no -- it's an idiotic attempt at "what if the Squid Game were a Hollywood reality show"! It's lame in the extreme from start to finish -- although I must admit I only made it through a half-hour. The contestants are all goofy, airheaded stereotypes, and they've obviously watched the show previously, thrilled to be in the competition, having fun, fun, fun.
Unlike the original series, in this version the eliminated contestants playing their first game --"hide-and-seek" -- aren't killed; they merely have a squib explode under their shirts, staining them with black squid-like ink. Get it? Squib, squid-like, squid game? Oh, those clever writers -- always good for a laugh. Unfortunately, it's usually at them, not with them. In any case, who gives a hoot about these characters since they don't have their lives on the line?...
The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp (1955)
Grows On You
Watched this occasionally as a kid in the 1950s, but it was more adult oriented than some of the other westerns. Rediscovered the show recently, and after the first half dozen episodes I found that it kind of grew on me.
There's a certain simplicity about each half-hour that I find very pleasing. In today's world, TV dramas have the same plastic, overly noble characters, twist-laden scripts, far too many closeups, annoying background music, and gratuitous action.
There are no silly surprises in this show, no cut-after-cut-after-cut editing. Just sensible (for the most part) stories with logical conclusions. Additionally, story continuity is excellent, and some characters (often historical) reappear after several episodes, many times with revenge on their minds. Hugh O'Brian plays his role perfectly, and his Earp has no problem just running up and whacking a bad guy with a shotgun! My only real negative is the actor playing Bat Masterson -- bad casting there -- and the gunplay's pretty silly and the episodes started getting boring in season 3.
Suits (2011)
Update: After Watching the Entire Series
After 1.5 Seasons:
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The two main characters are arrogant creeps -- and criminals. Mike, who has a photographic memory and was supposedly "the captain of his college wrestling team," is pretending to be a lawyer in court without passing the bar exam, a misdemeanor in New York (a felony in other states). He and his mentor Harvey, who isn't above using physical intimidation to get his way, are engaging in a criminal conspiracy, since Harvey is aware of Mike's charade. The senior partner of the law firm (a tall, black woman in Dior dresses) also knows about the situation, so that's three creepy conspirators. In real life, they'd all be disbarred. Additionally, Mike has ratted out two co-employees to Harvey, and are generally amoral at best. This show is exactly like any Big Four network program: unrealistic junk.
Update After Almost 5 Seasons:
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Well, now the whole world knows about the Big Secret, but it looks like Mike and the rest will get off Scott-free somehow. At least the show is diverting from its repetitive storylines for a change. This is the only law firm on Earth that wins 99 percent of its cases not through courtroom expertise, but via intimidation, bluff, threat, counter-threat, treachery and lies. It's also the only one with more internal intrigue, machinations and bickering than the House of Representatives.
Update After the Final Season:
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First, my girlfriend made me watch 'em all, or I'd have quit the show long long ago. Second, I must admit that it was pretty easy to watch, mainly for its ridiculousness, as in "what nonsense will they come up with this time?" Finally, although I think the final episode was pretty good, overall my 2 rating stands. Without the Louis Litt character, the series would've gotten a 0 from me.
1883 (2021)
Slow As Molasses
About the only good thing about this series is Sam Elliot's performance. Tim McGraw is okay and so is LaMonica Garrett, but Faith Hill and especially Isabel May -- not so much.... The main issues I have with the show is that it's as slow as molasses, not historically accurate, and is as politically correct as you can get. Seriously? TWO "strong female leads"? (Both of whom can rope and ride, shoot as straight and "cowboy" as well as any man, of course.) TWO interracial love affairs?... Teenaged Isabel's narration is corny and almost cringeworthy, as she falls in love with men even faster than Peggy Lipton in Mod Squad.... Perhaps the silliest thing I've seen through Episode 8 is when Isabel waxes poetic about making love while her back is pressed against a huge rock. Pretty uncomfortable, I'd reckon.
Ticket to Heaven (1981)
Pretty Scary, Pretty Good
I first came upon this movie in the 90s, somewhere in its middle. I was surprised and intrigued by the premise and the realistic feel of the film. Around thirty years later I watched it again, just this past weekend, from start to finish. It's obviously a TV movie, filmed in Canada on a small budget. It seems dated now, its execution somewhat amateurish and choppy, but it's still worth watching and has its memorable moments. Watching David's (Nick Mancuso's) brainwashing by the cult is chilling indeed. Particularly horrifying is the description of suicide-by-wrist-slashing delivered by actress Meg Foster in front of her audience of enrapt cultists. Overall it could have been better, but I still recommend it. It should probably be remade for today's audience.
The Bear (2022)
Improv Gone Mad
It's pretty obvious that around 90 percent of the acting on this show is pure improvisation. They must be shooting four times as much film as we actually see in an episode. Improv can be funny, but it's usually just clever, and that's not enough to make quality entertainment. Often an improv troop's members step on each others' toes, as they all try to be clever/witty at the same time. This leads to abject failure, which is often the case with The Bear. Additionally, this series features a lot of "what-the-heck?" moments due to crazy-quilt editing, a slew of screeching, unlikeable characters, and far too many extreme closeups. Nothing about this Frankenstein says "comedy." My vote for the absolute worst show of the past decade.
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel: Four Minutes (2023)
Almost Gave it One Star
The entire last season was disjointed, puzzling and just not very good. The final episode was the icing on that overbaked cake. The incessant hoary, snappy, joke-joke-joke dialogue lost whatever charm it may have had before the final season even began. With few exceptions, every cast member became a fountain of wisecracks, and had the same "voice." Almost every line could have been said by almost any of them. This is not good writing... and it's not funny. It might be clever, but not funny -- sort of like David Letterman. The worst part was Midge's protracted "I want to be famous! I want it all!" sendoff. Well, Mrs. Maisel, so does every 11-year-old, but you have to earn it. Did you?
Air (2023)
Could Have Been an 8
I never liked basketball. You see, I was a tall kid but lacked the finesse to play the game. It seemed silly to me, too -- with teams scoring 100 points and games decided by just two or three. So, I didn't expect I'd have much interest in "Air." But I was pleasantly surprised -- the movie was actually engaging and entertaining! Affleck and Bateman were solid in their roles, the writing was good, and nothing was stupid. At least, not until the last fifteen minutes or so. That's when Jordan's mom (also well acted) suddenly cared so darn much about her son getting a percentage of the gross of every Air Jordan shoe sold. The words that came to mind were "money grubber." To make matters worse, the deal was supposedly closed without deciding what that percentage was going to be! How stupid can you get!?
The Mandalorian (2019)
Season 3: Tired, Stale
After four episodes of Season 3 this series is dead to me. It was pretty good the first season, less so the second. But for me, Episode 304 (The Foundling) was the point of no return. It starts with yet another giant monster attacking from out of nowhere. You'd think that Mandalorians would have some sort of early warning system or standing defense against these creatures -- especially since we are soon informed that this one "always gets away." But no, it flies in and snatches a leader's adolescent son, then zooms away to its lair. You might think that the force of a flying reptile-like creature's 8-foot talon would kill the kid instantly, but no. You might think that at the creature's nest it would instantly feed the boy to its three hungry chicks, but no. Instead, after a few hours the Mandys mount yet another tiresome quest to save the kid, which (no surprise) they manage to complete successfully. Stupidity upon stupidity.
But the real elephant in the room is the completely idiotic idea that the armored clan members must never take off their helmets. Not just in front of other people -- NEVER. Okay, so what does an adolescent Mandy do when his head grows larger? How does a Mandy blow her nose or scratch his beard? How does one cut his hair? Wash her face? Eat whatever Mandys eat?... This idea is one of the very dumbest I've ever seen on film. I was able to suspend my disbelief about it for the first two years, but not any more.
Kaleidoscope (2023)
Three Strikes and You're Out!
Stupidity and nonsense in movies and TV are often overlooked. Of course, sometimes the willing suspension of disbelief *isn't* so hard to do. Not so with Kaleidoscope, and I'm not even talking about the silly concept that viewers can watch the episodes in any order....
Three strikes and you're out; that's my rule. In episode 1, "Yellow," they arrived in the first five minutes or thereabouts. Along with a "wise, knowing" male voice-over I was treated to an otherwise silent vignette where two women meet (seemingly randomly) and become friends. But aha! -- one woman was using the other. She planted a tiny camera in a the spine of a book she gave to her "friend," somehow knowing exactly where it was going to be placed between her bookends. Thus the "user" was able to watch while her victimized "friend" as she logged into her bank's walk-in vault (where she worked) -- HUH? -- and copy the code. STRIKE ONE.
This somehow enabled the "user" to stroll casually into the vault and leave with two attaché cases full of gold bars. I think there were eight in total, which weigh app. 27 pounds each. Strong woman. I guess the guards were on vacation that day, the cameras and other security measures offline. STRIKE TWO.
Then the "user" terminates her friendship with the other woman. It turns out that she and a partner stole the gold to show a prospective client how poorly his bars were being protected. Get it? The whole reason for the theft was to steal this client away from the incompetent bank. Well, I guess it was worth risking prison time to get this client. I wonder if they're going to return the bars and claim a reward for finding them. STRIKE THREE.
Bonus: STRIKE FOUR! In the next scene, a con man explains his new caper to a recruit. First he talks about the wonders of bearer bonds -- and the mark has 7 billion of them among his assets. That's the caper. But a minute later he says "We're going to take EVERYTHING!" Well, which is it? Hmm... I wonder if "everything" includes some gold bars...?
Luckiest Girl Alive (2022)
Finally, Netflix Airs a Solid Film
I didn't expect much from this movie, but it became pretty clear from the outset that it might actually avoid all the Hollywood cliches and be something worthwhile. It did and it is. The story, script and direction are all surprisingly good! There's none of the usual stupidity I expect from a film about an adult subject; actual *thought* went into this. Mila Kunis, now 39, has actually become a decent actress. Her performance is enhanced by silent ruminations which frequently belie her words. In one scene she agitatedly mouths one instead of keeping it inside her head, with subsequent consequences -- a nice touch which I've never seen in any other movie. Her flashbacks are important instead of mysterious, gradually revealing the haunting trauma of her past, and we don't have to wait until the end to understand it. The story's resolution is sensible and unapologetic, and aside from one minor quibble, I rate it an excellent all-around Netflix production.
The Patient (2022)
Well, I Got Through Two Episodes
First of all, this idea has been explored ad nauseum over the years. Half-decent examples include 1965's The Collector and 1990's Misery. The Patient, however, is boring and laughable. The first problem is that therapist Strauss' reaction to his kidnapping by serial killer Sam is unrealistic, any way you cut it. He's a tad fearful, but overwhelmingly acquiescent and quiet. Chained to a bed, he sulks and pouts. He refuses to eat, like a baby who doesn't like meatloaf. He doesn't seriously search for any escape possibilities. This is a *psychologist*, for cryin' out loud!... Strauss does, however, indulge in flashbacks and try to pick his chain's lock with a plastic picnic fork. What moron on Earth would think that has any possibility of success? When a tine breaks off he pops it into his mouth -- what the heck for? -- which made me laugh out loud. Then he tries to hide the fork. Sam (despite his fondness for odd cuisine) is no fool, though, immediately deducing what Strauss was trying to do. Later, Sam's mother shows up and pleads with him to help her deranged son. Everyone involved in this trash should be ashamed.
Hamilton (2020)
This Is Why Plato Hated Fiction
Plato attacked fiction ("poetry") on many grounds, but I'll just note ***Lack Of Reality*** here. He blames fiction for its lack of reality and truth. He correctly says fiction is an invention of the mind, fabricated. Any basis in reality is distorted for dramatic ends, and the characters are portrayed as the author wishes.
This is completely true in "Hamilton." A certain percentage of people will watch this silly and ahistorical drivel and believe it's reality. This is very bad. In fact, Hamilton was no hero. He did have an illustrious career, but he seriously screwed up America.
For example, Hamilton lied to calm the concerns and fears of delegates who were reluctant to ratify the Constitution. He argued for a strong central government and the destruction of state sovereignty. After ratification, he immediately plotted end-runs around it to get what he wanted. He persuaded George Washington to allow for a national (central) bank. His machinations still haunt USA today.
In this made-up Disney version of history, Hamilton is a hero and Jefferson a goofball. It's ridiculous. And it's not even entertaining.
Cobra Kai (2018)
First Few Seasons Were Fun, Now It's Done
I have to give credit to the producers for creating an amusing and entertaining series out of The Dumbest Movie Ever Made. IMHO, 1984's "Karate Kid" was idiotic in the extreme. Sure, I got "The Message," but Johnny would have crippled or killed Daniel in their climactic fight. Same with Kreese vs. Miyagi. Big bones, muscles and power defeat smaller sets.
The first year of Cobra Kai was great -- it was fun and provided plenty of laughs -- despite the fight scenes that were like 99 percent of Hollywood fight scenes -- silly, choreographed, and without any bruises, wounds or long-lasting effects. (If you get roundhouse kicked in the jaw in real-life it'll be dislocated.) William Zabka was excellent and stole the show. Every time he yelled "Quiet!" was good for a guffaw. My only quibble with the show was too much superfluous profanity.
The next two seasons were good, as well, but 4 and 5 have devolved the same way as every other TV series. The creative types simply run out of ideas and the producers turn out anything they can to keep the income flowing. Season 5 was so ridiculous -- especially the last episode -- that I hope the series is finished.
Greenland (2020)
Very Poor
There have been plenty of movies in this genre over the years, and they tend to get worse over time. This film is no exception to that rule.
If you go back to 1951, the movie When Worlds Collide tackled the idea in a much better fashion. Based on the 1933 science fiction novel of the same name, which I read as a teenager, the impending destruction of Earth didn't just happen without warning. This created dramatic tension as the world's population struggled with the knowledge that almost everyone was doomed. In Greenland, the comet chunks are supposedly going to be harmless (surprise, our governments lied) so the extinction event comes without warning. No time for tension or drama, just silly chaos.
Additionally, the bulk of the film centers around a family's improbable adventures in losing and then finding each other, as they make their way to Canada, board a plane and escape to bunkers in Greenland. I doubt whether the heavily-loaded dual-engine job they take would have a range of 1,000+ miles to get there, but among all the nonsensical things that happen in this movie this isn't one of the most absurd. And there is never a shred of doubt that the family will all make it to safety.
A far better version of this film's idea is 1962's Panic in Year Zero; things turn savage pretty quickly 60 years ago. I believe it's available for streaming; look for it.
Licorice Pizza (2021)
I Only Lasted 20 Minutes
Where to begin...? The dialogue is stiff and goofy, and the two (romantically inclined) principals talk *at* each other instead of *to* each other. Scenes seem illogical, random and disconnected. No sense of the 1970s whatsoever. Inept direction and editing, leading to a completely disjointed film. Absolute lack of dramatic structure, adding to the confusion. Poor choice of leads -- possibly the two most unattractive I've ever seen (not their fault of course) -- and their acting ability is subpar.... Sorry to be so negative, but that's my opinion.
Better Call Saul: Saul Gone (2022)
A Poor Finale and a Weak Season
The last season wasn't very good, and its final episode was an artsy-fartsy dud. As others have noted, there was no real reason to confess his sins and blow a relatively sweet 7-year prison sentence. Clearing his conscience for Kim's sake was simply out of character (among other nonsensical scenes).
The episode still could have been salvaged. For example, why not show us "Five Years Later" and Saul getting released for good behavior, along with a few thank-you's for being a jailhouse lawyer to grateful inmates? He walks outside the gate and Kim is waiting. He gets in her car and she asks, "Okay, what's next?" He smiles. The End.
The Gray Man (2022)
$200 Million Flushed
Right down the toilet. Way to go, Netflix. Wait, maybe I'm being too harsh.... I'll start over.
If you like extended car chases, tons of ridiculous choreographed fistfights, superhuman heroes who suffer multiple serious wounds without flinching and plenty of plot holes, this film is for you. Oops, I almost forgot the MacGuffin. It's an SD card that's encrypted but no one has any trouble breaking into it. They also keep putting it back into its pendant-case instead of into a back pocket where it would be better hidden. Silly, silly stuff.
Bajo cero (2021)
Amateurish, Derivative, Unrealistic
The idea here has been attempted many times (always poorly), but this feeble try is one of the worst. Aside from the many nonsensical things -- my favorite being the ease with which men can survive a long, long time submerged in icy water, then emerge in wet clothes and not even shiver -- the problem is that we don't care a whit about a single one of the prisoners as they are predictably eliminated a la "Ten Little Indians." Avoid.
Faults (2014)
Not a Bad Idea, But...
... IMHO it's low budget, amateurish, poorly edited and doesn't know what it wants to be. The direction and acting aren't so hot, either. In this genre, the 1981 movie *Ticket to Heaven* is far better.
Yellowstone (2018)
"Dallas" on Steroids
I'm sure that's how it was pitched to the bigwigs. Unfortunately, I was unable to watch more than a few snippets of this overrated series. It was that bad. For one thing, the entire Dutton family appears to be a criminal gang, which makes it hard to root for anything but their disappearance from the screen. And there are far too many characters to invest any time with them.
On a more laughable note, every scene I saw had a silly "surprise" that just appeared out of nowhere. Three examples: While riding along in a van past a garage -- look out! -- an explosion blasts away the door. A kid goes into a metal duct in the desert for safety but -- look out! -- there's a nasty rattlesnake inside. Another family member wounds and lassos a bad guy trying to get away but -- look out! -- there's a large inconvenient rock and he falls, hits his head and dies.
"Dallas" was a decent show because its machinations were mainly about money, not mayhem. "Yellowstone" doesn't come close to it.
Oops, almost forgot -- crazy sister Beth takes a nude bath in a horse trough, although none of the ranch hands seem to be interested. That was the only part I *was* interested in....
Arrival (2016)
So-so S-F
I was intrigued by the first contact concept for a while, but when it dawned on me that this movie is really about time-travel -- the world's most overfilmed genre -- my interest dissipated, much like the aliens' smoke-rings.... The big problem is that the big payoff is a silly dud. Sorry, guys, time isn't circular, it's LINEAR, and learning an alien language can't make it so.