liamolf Reviews

Zombie Diaries (2006)

So, here we have my review of "the best UK horror film of the year", promising to be a "bloody powerhouse of a horror movie"; it must be true, eatmybrains.com said so...

[1/10 · 24 January 2008]

I'm usually a complete sucker for zombie films, hence why I paid £3 for this production out of an Asda DVD bargain bin on a bored Friday evening, even though every element of my common sense dictated otherwise.

You just have to look at the DVD cover; there are no still shots on the back, quotes from all number of unknown and quite obscure sounding websites (no proper publications) and some pretty cheap looking background design depicting a mass of advancing zombies with a burning Big Ben in the background. And is that Bub on the front row!? Looks good from a distance, you would think but don't be fooled, it's as misleading as it is cheap; never being one to judge a book by it's cover I pressed ahead regardless however.

So DVD in and we open up to quite an interesting scene depicting a company of soldiers storming a farm, with scientists in biosuits collecting samples from a dead zombie and a news read out dubbed over it. This looks quite good, credit where it's due; I'm lead to believe they were real soldiers hence the reason why they all have the proper kit and real weapons, it makes it look like the producers paid attention to detail which is a quality some productions completely lack. The acting in this bit isn't too bad either, but that's probably because it's real.

It gets even more promising as the film progresses, the producers up til this point seem to have made very good use of what little budget they had to work with, it all looks very convincing and really builds your hopes up. I particularly like the interviews with the going members of the public, very realistic and really brings it home to you.

So far so good then, we have a realistic, gritty-looking film depicting an impending crisis done very well, I was ready to give this film a 9 up until this point, it only really goes wrong when it all supposedly 'kicks off'.

The news crew who we are following find themselves stranded in an empty village, the inhabitants' locations we can only guess, after their car breaks down (serves him right for buying French) and all we know is that something bad is going to happen and it all seems very Blair Witch-like. When it comes to it however, the 'shock' moment is a bit of a let down. In the moments leading up to it I found myself holding the fast forward button for a good few minutes as the character ponderously ventures into the various rooms of the house, this bit could have been easily cut out I reckon as it served no purpose what so ever. When you finally get to the moment in question, the character lets out a laughably girly scream and locks the door leading into the room, then swears a bit. Great.

And this is pretty much initiates this film's slippery slide into mediocrity, arguably it's biggest fault, the film crew abandon the house hastily and ventures into the nearby forest, this is where we leave them until the end. We then switch to three completely different characters whom we know nothing about, no build-up, no introduction, all we know is they drive yet another French car, will they ever learn? This is crude to say the least and none of the characters have had any form of development at all so you find it very hard to become emotionally attached to them, not to mention leaving the viewer a little confused. This theme is pretty much continued throughout the film, your fast forward button is bound to be a little worn by this point.

Eventually it turns out that the main characters are not the main characters at all, and instead the film re-focuses upon another bunch randomers held up in a farmhouse that we are introduced to halfway through the film and know absolutely nothing about; completely misdirected and it just leaves you feeling detached as a viewer and it's those words I use to sum up this entire film.

I feel this was a real opportunity wasted here, I love low budget films for their down to earth grit and the atmosphere they create, I also admire their directors for their ingenuity, but as far as The Zombie Diaries goes I'm very disappointed. They had the basis to make a great bit of indie cinema here, but rushed development and a very poor script have denied this film any form of greatness or cult status.

The action scenes are staid and clumsy, the story stutters and stalls, the ending is contrived and to top this all off the characters are really unlikeable. For it's entertainment value, this film is a flop.

I'm going to resist the urge to go into detail about my personal qualms with this film regarding one particularly distasteful scene involving a young girl and a 9mm 'mercy shot', I'll let you come to your own conclusion about that...

Ho hum, for £3 I shouldn't really grumble.

2/10

The Hunt for Red October (1990)

An above average action film that pays little homage to the Novel

[6/10 · 5 January 2006]

As regards to the film adaptation of Tom Clancy's 'The Hunt For Red October', it represents itself as a flawed, but competent Cold War thriller that both thought provokes, and stimulates the viewer with well directed action scenes thanks to the production guidance of the venerable John McTiernan of Die Hard fame.

However, as a viewer who represents the minority of voters who have actually read the novel and now viewed the motion picture, I am left feeling slightly disappointed that the film's producers chose to allow the film to pursue its own path in storyline, rather that following the firmly trodden tracks of Clancy's brilliant novel.

For instance, in the film adaptation the United States Navy steal most of the limelight in the pursuit and rescue of the crew of the Red October, whereas in the novel it is in fact the Royal Navy's aircraft carrier - HMS Invincible - that undertakes the pursuit at the request of the United States Government. Numerous different characters have therefore had to be created and/or altered in order to be compatible to an American audience.

It is this act of plot devolution by the film's producers that I cannot forgive and therefore cannot enjoy this movie as much as I would have with a bit more British involvement, rather than having to endure the usual American all-singing all-dancing, save the world jingoism that you get in this slightly average film adaptation of the brilliant Clancy novel.

If you are going to do something, it pays to do it properly I'm afraid. This film just turns out to be another American focused jingoistic yarn, equalling the likes of Air Force One (1997), which I despise.

6/10.

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

Mad Max?! Peter Pan more like.

[1/10 · 7 October 2005]

I am going to keep this review of this film short and to the point. This film was a mess. Which is a shame because it had all of the makings of a good Mad Max film... For the first 5 seconds.

We start off with Gibson's character Max in this latest incarnation of the trilogy. He plays a broken nomad, the type of person to which he once scoffed at in his days in the Main Force Patrol (Mad Max - 1979). His family and his best friend are brutalised by gang members of a nomad biker clan, making good of turning the highways of Australia into a living hell. All of which is portrayed onto film in a very violent fashion.

We progress onto Mad Max 2, which sees our character roaming the 'wastelands' of Australia. These desolate and baron lands become Max's home, as he has nothing left for him in civilisation. He comes across a populated Oil refinery, which is being marauded by a viscous army of scavengers, pillagers and murderers. He brings back a half dead member of the small tribe of people within the grounds of the fortified Refinery and cuts a deal with them, a truck cab for as much Fuel as he can carry. The film progresses and again Mad Max saves the day albeit being left alone again.

Then this brings us on to Mad Max 3, if you can even call it Mad Max. This could have been a good film, had they have named it 'Peter Pan and the Quest for Tomorrow-morrow Land.' This film is completely out of sync with it's predecessors. In comparison, this is a tame and softened film of a franchise to which violence is its main selling point. Mad Max with children humming all of the time is not only slightly cringe inducing to watch, but it is not what Max is about. They call him 'Mad' Max for a reason, in this, he is more like a stressed out Babysitter. The most violence you are likely to see is Blaster being shot with a Speer, and Max knocking Savannah Nix out with a single punch, as well as a tribes-man of Bartertown being knocked out with a frying pan a couple of times. That's it. No people being impaled with spears, no kneecaps being shot out, nothing. Even Aunty Entity escapes Max's wrath, compared to her predeceasing king-pins in previous films being blown up, ran over, and blown up again.

This film is nothing more than a joke to a brilliant franchise, and not a particularly funny one at that. If I were you, I would just watch the first two films and call it quits there. Pretend that Max is still wandering the Wastelands, helping tribes-people out when they are needy, etc, etc. Although I cannot help but think that this way of thinking is only going to be made harder with a fourth member to the franchise with the pipeline. Lets hope that the directors have learnt from their mistakes made in this dog.

1/10. There nothing for you here...

Split Second (1992)

A little too Americanised for my liking... The finale isn't too hot either.

[6/10 · 11 March 2005]

When seeing the opening credits for this film, I actually thought it was going to be a brilliant, low budget gem, and in a way. It was... The opening scenes depict what the effects of Global Warming is doing to the River Based City of London in 2007. (Although this could've been worked on a bit more.) After the rolling text telling of the unbelievable levels of Pollution surrounding the City, you get a helicopter view of a Police Hovercraft racing down the Thames past the famous Flood Barriers obviously not doing their job properly. All of this rounded off with some serious but sinister sounding Music in the background.

The cast is mostly of a British background. All aside from Catrall (Michelle), Pollard (Rat Catcher) and of course Hauer (Stone). With acting legends such as Pete Postlethwaite as Stone's nemesis, Alun Armstrong as 'Thrasher'. (again this could've been dropped for something more British sounding!) And the late, great and talented cockney singer Ian Dury as a Night Club Owner to whom the first murder we see from the 'Monster' takes place.

As mentioned earlier, the beginning scenes are brilliant, and present a really gritty register to the viewer, that only a low budget film can do. However the opening scenes with Stone walking down a darkened steamy corridor, adjusting himself, with a Shotgun slung over his shoulder, could've been dropped, as it was quite unnecessary. He walks out and we get an impression of what a future slummy inner city London might just look like. With normal Patrol Cars replaced with Military Grade All Terrain Vehicles and Meshed up 4x4's. (However, the choice of a Jeep Wrangler as Hauers car can be of questionable taste.) We leave the flooded compound with a Radio message blazing over for Stone's arrest, and we follow him driving though a relatively water free Westminster, with the Camera focusing stammeringly on famous landmarks like Trafalger Square and Tower Bridge. The clean environment of these shots however, make Hauers vehicle stick out like a sore thumb in some respects, especially when seeing the regular Cars being driven by London's citizens through the meshed windscreen. (Clear evidence of the budgetary constraints involved with this film.) We move on to show a brutal Murder of a prostitute in a stingy Nighclub Toilet. To which we see Stone go into a skitsophrenic fit of rage and paranoia after seeing the blood stained body, recklessly pointing his weapon at the crowd gathered outside, asking "Was it you, Huh? How about you then Dickhead!?" The film then carrys on, showing the hustle and bustle of the futuristic London Police Station , with cheesy electro music in the background as we follow behind Stone. We enter the offices, and the Weapons orderly at the gate is predictably smitten by Hauers Character, fondling his Hand Gun saying; "Oh, its good to have you back...", etc, etc. By now, you are probably getting a whiff of Americanisation all over this film. Hauer's Wrangler, the set up of the Police Station with the Music. The fact that the Police is no longer called the 'Metropolitan' Poilce, but the "London Central Police", and that the tin pot helmet synonymous with the British Bobby is scrapped for Baseball Caps and Leather Jackets. They look more like LAPD than LMP to be honest...

The we have the supposedly 'Big Budget' Characters like Catrall and Pollard. However, Pollard's involvement in the film is over emphasised in the opening credits. With his name nestled in third on the list of those flashing up in big red writing. In reality, his part is tiny, only amounting to a few lines and one scene, toward the end of the film. Catrall comes across as slightly underwhelmed by her character and has obviously seen better days. Durkins Character is the exact opposite of Stone, though toward the end he becomes just like him. I.E. An unconvincingly over excited Looney, screaming "We need bigger ***king guns!" at every viable opportunity.

Then we come to the finale. Which serves as the perfect anti climax to ruin what was a potentially brilliant film. The so called "Monster" is described as "The Devil Himself," toward the last scenes, which is just stupid really, as the Monster is effortlessly killed by Hauer punching through his rib cage and pulling his heart out. You would think old Lucifer would put up a bigger fight than that eh? The acting, also goes down a steep gradient of quality as well. With Durkin chucking a Phosphorous Grenade into the carriage, followed by Stone jumping through the window and subsequently snogging Michelle whilst the explosion is decimating the carriage, for absolutely no reason at all. Its just the complete contracts of the attitudes of the Characters in this scene which ruins it all. I wouldn't be too surprised if Catrall's Character were to burst into a fit of giggles halfway through as she seems that overexcited. Durkin also uses this opportunity to introduce himself to her while Stone is trying to kill the bugger, which is weird to say the least. You wouldn't believe that they were trying to fight Old Nick himself at all. Must've been a Friday when they shot it all...

The Special effects are also cheap and underwhelming. Whenever a weapon is fired, for example, the camera fuzzes up so we don't really know what is going on, and overall it ends too easily and too quickly. It all amounts to a bit of a farsity really. You wouldn't think Hauer would be going up the 'Devil' shouting "Relax Pal!" as it lies stunned on the floor would you? But thats what you get. Which is a shame really, as everything was well done up until that point.

Overall 6 out of 10. Prepared to take this film with a pinch of Salt and put your brain in the Fridge. You'll enjoy it better that way...

Stripes (1981)

The perfect way to waste two hours of your life.

[1/10 · 3 March 2005]

*****WARNING, MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS WHICH WILL BE MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THIS TRIPE.****

Heres some good advise to anyone living in the U.K. Whenever Channel 5 has an old 80's comedy on late at night, read a book instead. I am currently in the process of recovering from a seizure, due to reading some of the comments on this film on here. I am actually shocked at the fact that someone actually said this film was realistic! All I can say is thank god the Cold War never escalated or else we might as well have given the Commie's our borders... I found this film dire in the utmost pretence, maybe it is just my British perception of what makes a film funny, who knows? But in all aspects, this film is not just awful, its teeth grindingly terrible.

I've never been a fan of Bill Murray, and its rubbish like this that justify my feelings towards him. Don't get me wrong, I loved Ghostbuster's, which was made only three years after this film. But this just sums Bill Murray up really. I can safely say that I haven't wasted my time so blatantly like this since seeing the first running of Operation Delta Force over here, though these two films have more in common than you would think. For 1 thing, they both have terrible action sequences from beginning to end, and 2nd. They are both riddled with cheesy Cliché's, throughout.

Heres one thing, these guys are supposed to be in the "U.S Army". Yet they are allowed to wallow around their Camp, Willy nilly, seducing female Military Police Officers, and subsequently shagging them silly in the Generals Quarters. Talk about Random! This film is just terrible for this I'm afraid. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no feminist sympathiser, but the fact that these two women actually fall hands over heels in love with the two characters shortly after arresting them, letting them go free... Twice, is just insulting to the female race. The fact that one tatty haired, fat lipped bum (Winger) and his hapless sidekick Ramis can simply sweet talk themselves into into the MP's underwear, to which they fall madly in love with the two of them is nothing short of ludicrous.

Then there is the training scenes, where you get to meet the Squad "Phycho" who unconvincingly threatens to kill anyone who touches him or his stuff, followed by the overweight bloke (played by the late and great John Candy) who claims he joined the army to "avoid paying $400 for anger management classes". Leading to loud mouthed Murray paying tribute to the "Giant Toe," (WTF?) 'Drill Seargent' who honestly couldn't organise a pi$$ up in a brewery, let alone his band of recruits. All this scene serves to do is to prelude loads of fight scenes, with people saying "way to go ass hole'!" all the time, etc etc.

The scenes then carry on showing the rag tag bunch making utter tits of themselves on the Assault Course, leading to a scene where one of them shoots wildly into the air at some passing birds with an assault rifle, peppering a watch tower with bullets. (Just like that. Yep, told you this film was random...He miraculously escapes undisciplined as well...) Eventually Leading up the the passing out parade, where the hapless squad make a magic turn around within the space of two hours. (Bugger me, Miracle!) Thanks to some wise words from Murray, to which they then direct a massively none military like dance routine in front of a Geriatric 'General' in front of the rest of the squads. All of this to the immense pleasure of their two Girlfriends on the stand, who really should've been arresting them... Everyone laughs it off though. This bit is nothing short of amazing though. He then chooses them to guard a new Multi-Million Dollar Prototype Armoured Vehicle in Italy (which turns out to be just a mobile home painted green with loads of gadgets on the inside), claiming "This is exactly what this Army needs!" righto...

Then there is the dire finale, where Murray and Ramis decide to steal this top-secret prototype Military Vehicle to pick up their newly acquired and somewhat Hyperactive MP Girlfriends in Germany. To which the Hapless Captain (John Larroquette) then finds out and leads the Squad of fresh recruits on a retrieval Mission for this vehicle. To which they then take a "wrong turn" en-route and end up in Soviet Held Czechoslovakia, where they are captured. (Like we didn't see that coming...) Thus begins a rescue attempt by Ramis and Murray + Birds in hand, to which is where a big fight, loads of shooting from the hip and blowing tanks up. With them coming back as National Heroes, humiliating the Russians by calling them "pussies," etc etc. The end. Thats right. No Courts Martial, nothing. They only just stole a prototype Military vehicle, drove it into a Warsaw Pact country and almost caused an International incident which could've sparked WW3!

This film is honestly more fun that being diagnosed with a terminal illness. I know its meant to be a Comedy, it got all the right actors for it, but where in the hell is it? Have Channel 5 cuts those bits out? The only redeeming feature in this film is the repetitive use of naked women taking showers, and female Mud Wrestling. (like I said, Random) Not that it helps to divert from the fact that this is an utterly crap film, of course. This film should realistically be aimed at immature 9 year old's, sadly, we have to watch it instead. 1 star out of 10 - Total Tripe. My advice, do something a little more useful with your time. Like Castrating yourself...