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Reviews
The Three Musketeers (2011)
I've got some fluff on my jumper...
What's wrong with the original story? Was it so bad that it has become necessary to write this travesty, cast four principal actors with not an ounce of charisma between them and shove 'em in gravity-defying zeppelins powered by yet-to-be-discovered propulsion systems? I mean really, I'm up for fun like the next punter, but this is CG gone crazy and completely devoid of any semblance of entertainment. It looks wonderful, but that's it. Orlando Bloom is obviously loving his role and steals the show, but what a show to steal
it's pure poo from start to finish. Just the physical impossibilities within it are enough to push your tongue through the side of your cheek and into the cold air of reason. Are we this stupid? Get a grip, come on, you can do better than this! How can a balloon filled with God-knows-what support a wooden galleon of almost the same dimensions, filled with canon and gilded figureheads? And, if by some miracle that were possible, how can it remain in the air when several large holes have been shot in the side of it? The Hindenberg was reduced to a charred skeleton in less than 2 minutes. And, when you're in a sword fight on a cathedral parapet, about to fall to your death, and you grab the blade of your opponents sword, don't you think it would cut your hand
. a bit? These dudes can do anything
except act. I like Matthew Macfadyen, in Little Dorrit he was wonderful. In this he's as dynamic as yesterday's salad. They would have done better to give the part to the figurehead on the flying boat dude thing
Nice frocks, nice-looking people, nice photography
but ultimately requiring perhaps three or maybe four braincells to watch. Don't waste your time with this. Utter drivel.
Hanna (2011)
Fairytale, complete with wicked witch and evil goblin...
I found Hanna to be an unusual, thought-proving, beautifully acted and excellently crafted film.
It's a fairy story. All the clues are there, the fairytale book, the wicked witch (Blanchett), the innocent young girl alone in the woods except for her troubled father(?). There are gingerbread houses and one point the witch emerges from the big bad wolf's mouth.
Fairy tales are often violent. Cruelty abounds and Hanna takes elements and moves the traditional story to a modern thriller setting, complete with CIA assassins and a rogue spy master.
Then there's the music. It's wonderful. The Chemical Brothers match the pace and direction with a slurry of wonderful electric sounds. There's a classic hook tune called "The Devil Is In The Details" that the goblin (the exceptionally creepy Isaacs, played by Tom Hollander) whistles constantly to himself.
This is one to watch. Don't miss it.
Our Idiot Brother (2011)
An important film
I don't know what I was expecting from this movie. The plot seemed dull and the whole hippie culture somewhat anachronistic, but what a surprise! It's warm, funny, engaging and worthy of many repeat watchings. Paul Rudd is amazing. His character is totally real and someone for whom I would personally have a lot of time. We've lost a certain amount of innocence since the 1960s, and that's a great shame. Here's a film about someone who still believes, lives by his principles and... loves his dog. I don't want to say too much about the story, that would ruin it for you. Go and see it, you won't be disappointed. I'm off to buy some recycled candles that were once recycled candles. 9/10.
Super 8 (2011)
The Harry Potter kids could learn from this...
This movie has Steven Spielberg written all over it. The camera angles, the set-ups, the kids' acting, the baseball bat being thumped on the table, the electricity cables, the era, the adults, the bikes, the alien, the gang of kids... I could go on.
J. J. Abrams has crafted an homage to American popular cinema of the late 70s and early 80s. Yet it's no pastiche. The pace, the relationships between the kids and tight direction and editing make this a very enjoyable film in its own right. I loved it, and so did my kids.
For me the best things about this movie are the young kids in it. Their talents are amazing. There's no way that these kids are in front of a camera, acting. They're real live people and they never falter. The scene where Elle Fanning tries her acting skills at the impromptu railway shoot is just stunning. In fact, when I recently saw the final Harry Potter film again I was struck by how wooden the three main characters are. They just can't do it. As a Brit I would go as far as to say that the large majority of British movies that have kids in them are usually very lame in comparison to American movies. We just don't know how to direct kids here. There have been notable exceptions of course, but generally we suck.
Super 8 is predictable and very mainstream in its conception. But it's popular film making at it's very best and keeps you entertained from start to finish.
I strongly recommend it to those wanting to see a good family action movie.
Dark Water (2005)
Eau my lord... what a mess
I thought I would really like this movie. I didn't. Here's a few questions and observations. If you haven't seen the film I apologise...
1. What WAS the water about?
2. And what was the Tim Roth character in there for? A sad, lonely, cheap lawyer who finds redemption in 20 minutes... huh?
3. Was the father paying those kids to unnerve Jennifer or not?
4. Why was Veek arrested again? I must have missed that. Did he kill the girl... er, no.
5. How come the girl's dead body was perfectly preserved... or wasn't it... or was it... or... or... who cares?
6. Why did Jennifer's character only start to see the girl towards the end of the movie? Oh, yes, it would have spoilt the build up, right?
7. How did Jennifer die? The cop's voice in the background says 'no apparent cause of death" - so was there a lot of water in the apartment or wasn't there? Did she drown?
This story is so full of holes it manages to drown itself without a hint of a struggle. Most people, even desperate people, confronted with a situation like that would have moved out after a week. She had a job, she wasn't made out to be especially poverty-stricken. For both herself and her daughter (whom she loves enough to give her life for) she would have moved out. It's the cheaper, less painful option.
Some dirty water shooting out toilets, a nasty stain on the ceiling and a cute kid staring at the camera saying "will you be my mommy" do not make a great horror movie on their own. There has to be a whole lot more.
A very weak film.
Knowing (2009)
What more could you expect from this kind of movie?
After reading a number of reviews of this film I was somewhat surprised to discover that it's nowhere near as bad as a lot of people make out. In fact it's an enjoyable experience as this kind of film goes. Nicholas Cage is his usual self and the supporting cast do a very good job of keeping it all quite real. The CG is great and the photography is very good to look at. OK, the plot is a little thin, we've seen most of this before spread across several movies, but it's engaging and well directed. Other reviews have mentioned the 'stones' and the paper that Cage's character had written years before that suddenly enters the plot... but these are just devices to help us along the path to the fairly obvious climax (with the children) and denouement (with the adults). The stones are given to the chosen as a link to where they must travel (like the mental imprint of Devils Tower in Close Encounters), the paper is to tell us of what the disaster comprises, and perhaps explain why Cage's character has been given the clues. I would say that if you liked The Abyss you will like this film too, they're really quite similar. This movie is perhaps a little darker and the plot not so well drawn, but all in all it's probably worth a good, solid seven and a half... not great, but certainly not a bad film... nowhere near as bad as James Cameron's Titanic for instance.
The Wolfman (2010)
Beautifully realised genre piece with the best CG birds I have ever seen.
I don't know what exactly I expected from this movie. Having seen a few of the older Hollywood wolfmen and also the Oliver Reed version I imagine I thought it would be an 'updated' vision, more akin to Ironman or perhaps some other of the more in-yer-face recent movies... Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes maybe.
How wrong I was. Although The Wolfman is certainly well within the current cinematic zeitgeist for movie/literature re-visits, it manages to create something truly unique, as well as being quite beautiful to watch. It has a pace that takes it's time when necessary. Every shot is considered... falling leaves, lovely focus pulls, roads winding away, interesting frame compositions. Tim Burton could learn a lot from it. The trees are real. There's no over-arty exaggeration or 'personal vision'. In fact the story isn't played with at all. It's told straight, in a style reminiscent of the earlier versions, but with the added bonus of modern cinema technology in the hands of someone who knows precisely when and how much to use it.
I have particular 'thing' about CG birds. Every CG landscape in virtually any movie made in the last decade 'has' to include CG birds. It's almost like the last thing that gets added to the shot. Just before the 'render now' button is pressed the animator shoves in the birds, sweeping majestically in from the side. I hate that. It just looks so contrived. In fact, until now, the best CG bird shot I had seen was the twittering couple emerging from one of the Argonath statues in Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring. But this has now been well and truly topped. There's a very brief shot of a boat passing beneath Tower Bridge in The Wolfman... and the birds around it are real. Fantastic, if it is indeed CG. Animators of the world, look and learn.
I'm not a horror movie fan. I don't like gore movies much and I'm not a huge fan of Anthony Hopkins. Even Hannibal Lector didn't do it for me. The guy doing the killings was truly scary, Lector was joke. The Wolfman has changed all that. It has atmosphere by the bucketful, more gore than my local butcher's shop window and Anthony Hopkins delivers.
And Benicio Del Toro is brilliant in this. His acting style is perfect for the character of Lawrence and he delivers an overall atmosphere of languid dread that pervades the entire film.
Joe Johnston has created a wonderful, classic movie. It's devoid of the current 'short attention span' cinema tricks that make movies so disposable. It's superbly crafted and right from the opening credits, with the red titling that pay homage to the earlier films, it takes you somewhere else entirely, like every good adventure film should.
Films don't need hundreds of gimmicks and sub plots and twists. It's OK to simply tell a story and tell it well. The Wolfman does just that.
Harry Brown (2009)
Michael Caine's best film for a number of years
I found this movie a hard experience. It's very dark, very depressing and and a slice of life that I wouldn't want to see too often or too closely.
In a ghetto area of London an ex Royal Marine with nothing to lose takes on the local druggies after his have-a-go friend is murdered.
The cops are jaded and uninterested, except for one who see's Harry as more than just an old man. And Harry certainly is more than that. With a previous life he wants to forget and living inside an urban zoo with the sound of gunshots whistling past the windows, he is man on the edge... with certain skills that can never quite be forgotten.
From the almost surreal meeting with the drug pusher and the death by the canal, Harry Brown takes on a new pace and becomes the movie we all wanted it to be from the first few minutes of watching it. We want him to take these people on, kill the lot of them and get away with it.
This is Clint Eastwood in gritty, dirty reality. Michael Caine's character is both pathetic and heroic, but always very human. This is the sort of role he does so remarkably well. No matter how many times we have seen him, in so many, varied roles, in this film we totally believe in his character.
Wonderful, solid film making. I only give it an 9/10 because I wouldn't want to watch it too often.
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
Sleepy Hollow's trees get re-used in a bland trip to nowhere in particular
Jan Svankmeyer made a great Alice back in 1988. It's quirky, surreal, dark, dreamlike and unnerving. Tim Burton's film on the other hand is a mixture of seen-it-all-before characters headed by the amazing Mr Depp in his worst screen role since Secret Window (I know a lot of people like it, I thought it was a stinker). What on earth is he doing? It's a performance akin to Shrek on Prozac.
The crowning glory for me was the breakdance (or whatever it was called). That was the lamest thing I've seen in years.
Every Tim Burton movie is now receiving the same treatment... the contorted Burton trees, the Burton misty atmosphere, the curly metalwork, the offbeat one-liner asides... I think he should go and make a conventional love story or a hard thriller and get back to basics. I'm completely fed up with this 'look' that pervades everything he makes.
Alice In Wonderland is a well known and well loved English masterpiece, written by a nineteenth century Tim Burton who created an original (yes, original) world, not based on any other. And originality is the problem with this film, there simply isn't any.
The plot is hard to follow. The acting is at best mediocre (apart from Tim's wife, who is good fun) and the direction just relies on the visuals. The CGI is totally over the top and the 3D element just isn't worth it.
The whole thing is a boring mess. I fell asleep twice and had to be woken by my wife... honestly.
I wouldn't bother if I were you. 2/10
Creation (2009)
Intelligent, beautiful, poignant and superbly made
I have read reviews of this film that found it 'disappointing' and 'confused'. I am at a loss to understand why this should be so. From the beginning I found it a remarkable experience and a complete joy to watch.
Spoiler: The opening titles overlay a beautiful visual of the evolutionary process, and this introduces the story with a serene and sweeping style. The film isn't about the process itself though, it concerns Charles Darwin's struggle with his conscience, his love for his wife, his deceased daughter and his search for truth.
The appearances of his daughter are the manifestations of a tormented mind that knows it has "killed God". The daughter is an adult, making adult comments about his work and torturing Darwin with personal doubts. Was he in some way responsible for her death? Husband and wife in real life Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly give truly wonderful performances as Charles and Emma Darwin, as does Martha West as Annie. Bettany's size and awkward gait give Darwin's character a genuine sense of reality, whilst Connelly seems very comfortable with her English accent and occasionally somewhat severe persona.
It's easy to misunderstand the times in which this film resides. The grip that religion had on society and the inner struggles that a man like Darwin must have endured to seek the truth in what he witnessed. Science and religion have always been awkward bedfellows and although it didn't cost him his life, as it did with so many earlier men and women, science put a barrier between husband and wife, fact and faith. This film portrays that barrier supremely well.
I give Creation ten stars, because I think it's beautiful, profound, superbly well acted and a genuine, no-extraneous-frills-required look at one of the world's true geniuses.
What seems obvious to everyone today (well, almost everyone... see Bill Maher's wonderful "Religulous") was hidden for millennia. The truth, once it was discovered, was undoubtedly painful for many. Creation examines that pain, and the realisation that we are all that we possess.
A wonderful cinematic experience.
The Countess (2009)
Better than 'Bathory' by gnat's whisker...
I hope I don't upset a lot of good folks when I say that American film makers just can't make top quality period drama. Westerns being the obvious exception. The American accent is a relatively recent thing and it simply doesn't work in any kind of believable form when coming from the mouth of a sixteenth century character. It's the accent of cops, hoodlums, coke adverts and hamburgers.
That said, there was a great deal effort put into this film to get things looking and feeling right for the period. However, all those efforts don't come anywhere near paying off. The Countess is a slowing moving, uninteresting mishmash of 'serious' actooors plying their trade within a risible script. It tries so hard to be a 'great' work and fails at every turn.
Julie Delpy seems unaware of who or what she is. The countess is at times a lesbian lover, matriarch, wife, businesswoman, wreck, girl, woman and everything else you can think of... all in slow motion.
William Hurt isn't given a chance with his script. His monstrous character is barely explored and his sidekick, sadomasochistic accomplice is just a daft cliché.
Bathory (the other, recent version of this story) was simply terrible. This film is not a lot better in my opinion although it certainly improves a little when the pace picks up towards the end. But despite all of the money chucked at it, I found it barely watchable. A real shame.
As for Erzebet Bathory, I think it would take someone of the stature of Roman Polanski to tell her story in a compelling, cinematic way.
Keep away from this film. It's a stinker.
A Christmas Carol (1984)
My favourite Christmas Carol
OK. I'm biased. I live near Shrewsbury in England, where this wonderful movie was filmed. It still looks the same now. I remember them filming here quite vividly, and the fake snow on the streets for days on end. Often, when I'm walking through Shrewsbury I see a street or a house and it will remind me of this film.
George C. Scott's Scrooge is a more realistic character than many of the other screen versions. His physical appearance isn't the typical miser. Scott's is big and imposing. A man who finds those smaller than himself to be inferior.
We all know the story and the quotes. The book is one of the most cherished works in the English language. And I don't believe there are many cynics who would say that people aren't capable of change and redemption. This film version portrays all of that quite beautifully. George C. Scott may be American but he plays the part of the English miser with wonderful skill.
I love this movie. If you haven't seen this version I would strongly urge that you do. It's usually available for a very small amount of money... or are you too mean?
The Brothers Bloom (2008)
Original, quirky and very entertaining
Rian Johnson has made a very original film in The Brothers Bloom. OK, they're con men, they wear black hats and we know there will be twists and turns, but this movie moves around like a travelling fairground. The whole shebang packs up and moves somewhere else just when you thought you were on familiar ground. The Rachel Weiss character is oddly reminiscent of Elaine May in 'The New Leaf', not so ditsy, but it certainly put her back in my head. I loved the way the characters interacted, the falseness of everything, from the Brits playing Americans and the Scot playing a Belgian to the lighting, the odd sense of nostalgia, the anachronistic time frame (when is this movie set?) and the odd dénouement at the very end. Adrian Brody is totally believable in every part of the film and all the other characters move around him like the horses on a carousel. One minute they're up, the next they're down. I loved it. 10/10.
Bathory (2008)
What on Gods earth was that all about?
Incoherent, silly, grandiose, anachronistic nonsense. I couldn't get to the end of this sumptuous tomfoolery, I just couldn't. What a missed opportunity! This movie could have been so good. It's a great story with loads of cinematic potential and yet we are presented with 200 scenes apparently unrelated to each other. I imagine mornings on the set must have begun with the director saying something along the lines of "what shall we do today then?" I've no idea if she was mad, if Caravaggio was gay or not, who her husband was and how he had managed to turn into a character from a Sergio Leone movie in the space of 5 minutes. And then there's the rollerblading monks! I kid you not. Don't waste your time with it, don't be lulled into thinking that with a European director and Anna Friel it couldn't really be that bad... it could! It is! Wait for Julie Delpy's 'The Countess' - it has to be better than this tripe.
Words fail me... I have to go to bed... I'm dizzy from all the bad cinema...
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
Burbank Aragorn meets Smokey and the Bandit... with boomerang
This awful movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I'd rather mud-wrestle Margaret Thatcher than watch the first thirty minutes again... and that's as long as I stayed with it.
An ersatz 'Lord of the Rings' ripoff that fails utterly to entertain at any level.
I'm off to buy myself a movie camera. I know I can do better than this dude. In fact one of my hens laid an egg today that could make a better film than this.
Revealed... info about Uwe Boll's next film "Star Amble". Michael Caine is to star as a young space pilot who teams up with some other dudes (Eddie Murphy, Colin Firth, Mother Theresa and Sally Struthers) in a big spaceship, go back in time and kill a bunch of Rimulans. Enjoy.
Cutthroat Island (1995)
My swash has never been so buckled...
I'm a pirate movie nut me hearties and this film hits the mark in just about every way possible... arrr.
It has no ghostly sailors or fictional sea monsters. It's just about pirates and treasure and high seas high jinx... nothing more. What else do you want?
Cutthroat Island was made a good few years before the lamentable fairy stories from Disney... Pirates Of The Caribbean 1, 2 and 3. It stars Gina Davis, Matthew Modine and Frank Langella. The story centres around locating a treasure hidden by Captain Morgan Adams' father. She is aided by a scoundrel-come-lover, William Shaw and hindered by her uncle 'Dog' who wants the booty for himself. The plot is complicated by Patrick Malahide's wonderful Governor character, comically assisted by 'Trotter' a half-baked lieutenant.
The action is fast, the direction is spot on (by Renny Harlin, Gina Davis's hubby) and it's filmed in some fabulous locations.
Cutlasses, guns, cannon, daggers, rip roaring sword fights, a carriage chase, slow-mo punch-ups... it's marvelous!
Forget the Oscars, buy or rent this top notch piratefest and escape to the blue waters with Morgan and her crew. I guarantee you a breathless romance of the high seas!
I have a shooting script, a treasure map, a production drawing and an extra's costume from this movie... all purchased on eBay. That's how much I love it.
Not all film is meant to show us a new slant on the human condition. Some is just for fun. See it as that and you will find yourself a real gem.
Avast me hearties! Cast off the bow lines and set sail for uncharted waters... er... arrr (again).
Beautiful Girls (1996)
A truly wonderful film
This is one of my top ten films. A terrific cast, a wonderful script (Scott Rosenberg) and sensitive but masterful direction (Ted Demme).
Everyone in the film is a beautifully observed human being... with faults and redeeming qualities in equal measure. You've probably met all of them at some point in your life.
The film takes place in a cold, northern town covered in snow. It follows the lives of a group of friends who have known each other all their lives, but especially since college days. Timothy Hutton's piano player character, Willie Conway, comes home for a few days to make a pivotal personal decision and visit his brother and widowed father. He revisits his old friends and quickly slips back into their world.
We meet the guy who has taken on marriage and kids and loves them (Noah Emmerich), the college 'birdman' (Matt Dillon) who still lives on his reputation and spends his nights with an old flame, and another man's wife, Darian Smalls (Lauren Holly).
There's Kev (a stunning performance by Max Perlich - totally understated and completely real... check out the way he moves his hands and legs while playing the video game), the loudmouth armchair pseudo-philosopher (Michael Rapaport... the best thing I've seen him do), the loyal, female cuckold girlfriend (Mira Sorvino)... the list goes on and on, with every performance absolutely spot on. Uma Thurman as Andera... the beautiful girl that visits from out of town and causes the men to re-examine their positions in life.
Should Willie marry the girl he has met in Chicago? Should he consider waiting until the cute 'old soul' 13-year-old that's moved in next door to his father (Natalie Portman in one of her very best performances) is old enough?
No aliens, sea monsters, car chases or apocalyptic events, just a slice of real life amongst a cast of characters that are brought to life by a writer, director and cast at the height of their combined and (possibly) individual powers.
A real winner. Watch this film, it's wonderful.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007)
Cor blimey Guvnor! What was all that about?
Spaniards are dressed in black and have mean, scowling faces. They are the ugly catholic baddies out to get whatever they can in the name of religion. Oh my goodness me yes...
England is a clean, gloriously-lit kingdom with a gorgeous, sexy queen that smoulders with her on-screen beau, the dashing, James Bond-esquire Sir Walter 'oh what a big ship I've got' Raleigh (see below). She bathes amidst the glow a million candles with her cute (blemish-free, full- head-of-teeth) handmaid (actually Elizabeth is known to have had only a dozen baths in her entire life). Lord Essex didn't exist, Lord Darnley didn't exist and the entire Spanish armada was defeated in 15 minutes! And Walter Raleigh's Walther PPK didn't jam once!
I love this take on history! It makes me want to return the those wonderful days in the sun-drenched San Fernando Valley (or wherever they filmed this velvet epic... I could 'go visit' good Queen Bess. Maybe we could get a soda and some fries... take in a ride-in play at the Globe?
OK, perhaps I'm missing something? is that cheeky DVD cover with Cate putting her finger to her lips really an ultra-clever director's ploy to let us know that the whole movie is really just one elaborate joke?
In my opinion this film is utter tripe. Shame, the first film was so much better. However, if you want a more historically accurate look at the Elizabethan period try the second Blackadder series. I would say it it's closer to the truth than this lot.
The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005)
Another Oscar for Nick Park? It has to be.
I'm English and a fan of Wallace and Gromit. That said I went to see this movie half expecting to be disappointed. With so many awards received and the characters so greatly loved it must be incredibly hard to come up with something new that meets with everyone's expectations.
This movie is stupendous! I haven't laughed so much in a very long time. Steve Box and Nick Park have taken Wallace and Gromit to a whole new level. A great plot, wonderful characters (just about every English stereotype that has ever existed), fabulous, intricate detail and witty, multi-level dialogue.
The well-loved voice of Peter Sallis brings so much warmth to Wallace. You feel you've known him all your life. It's real, human, touching, daft, daring and hilarious. The other voice actors are wonderful too, each bringing something unique and perfect.
I don't wish to sound too critical but I think that Disney could learn a tremendous amount from this film. Their 'you-can-do-it-if-stick-with-your-friends' plots are wearing pretty thin. If I see another movie with a brave-but-broke hero who finds a quirky, wisecracking sidekick to help him win the day (and the girl)...
Wallace and Gromit are unique in the annals of animated film history. Disney practically invented the medium and have given us hundreds of wonderful classics, but things have moved on, and this new movie offers far more than sugar-coated characters, one-liners and twinkling stars. It's an exaggerated slice of life, normal everyday life, in all its absurd glory. A reflection of all of us... as true art should be.
I absolutely loved it.
I had another adult and 5 children with me, ranging from 6 to 16. They can't wait to see it again. At the end of the show there was spontaneous applause. Can you beat that!
The Woman in White (1982)
The best version by far.
I remember watching this series twice and being utterly entranced each time that I saw it.
The series was beautifully made with great acting and a real feeling of pace and suspense. The version made in the 90s falls far short of it. The character of Fosco was just wrong and the book was left way behind in favour of a sexed-up script. The 1982 version is much more accurate and feels less modern. It stays very close to the original story. I just wish the BBC would release this on DVD - or at least show it again and give people a chance to record it.
I recommend this version! If it ever makes it onto video tape or DVD get yourself a copy you will not be disappointed! 10/10.