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The Last Resort (2009)
Not as bad as has been said....
Okay, so as is my usual habits, I rented this movie and then read the reviews and message boards while opening credits were rolling. For the most part, everybody was in agreement that this movie sucked something fierce, however, I don't really share their opinion. Now as a rule, I WILL give a movie a bad review if it deserves, but in this case, I don't think it does. Essentially, four women end up alone in a deserted resort that has a bloody, ugly past where evil spirits still reside. What makes this story work is A) Interior Mexico is a damn scary place and B) The resort, even in the daytime is creepy as hell. Agreed, the acting isn't top bill Hollywood fair. None of the girls are ugly, but a few are hotter than Georgia asphalt. I wish they'd made the movie a little longer and given a bit more story to the back story, but that's just me. Overall, I thought it was a decent B flick. Don't expect Tarantion or Polanski and you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Screamers: The Hunting (2009)
When I die, I'm going to ask God for an hour and a half of my life back, because I sat through this....
Well I can't really compete with the comments below that rate this movie as horrible. The fact is, they are all quite correct. What I can tell you is, this movie was MADE for the Satellite of Love. I mean, this is a true match made in heaven. Mike, Crow and Servo could probably get TWO episodes out of this movie without flexing any real muscle and probably three with just a bit of thought. The dialog alone is enough to leave you in stitches. Apparently, elite military units just kinda ramble around, shooting randomly from no cover at people with bows and arrows. Yea, it's THAT kind of movie. If you're a fan of the first one and you just HAVE to watch this, gather up some friends and spring for a case of cheap beer. Better that, than suffer alone.
GhostWatcher (2002)
God should add an extra 90 minutes to my life for having sat through this movie.
I gave this a three out of ten. The three is only posted due to the fact that I now have an unflagging faith that myself and four of my stupid half-wit drunk friends can make a movie and release it directly to video. And then follow up with a sequel. There is apparently no prerequisite exam to becoming a director. Okay, enough ripping. Down to business. First and foremost, the damn thing was filmed in Grainavision or something. It looked like they sanded the lens before they shot. In addition, it didn't appear that the production crew cared to waste any money on Steady-Cam. Also, periodic wacky camera angles, reminiscent of the old Batman series litter this cinematic train wreck. As to whether they are intentional or not is a point of conjecture. But wait....it DOES get worse. I can live with two dimensional characters. Good actors are expensive. I'm down with the sound. But they could have at least had the common decency to memorize their lines and not spit them at the camera. I've heard better deliveries from the recorded 411 information. Will I watch the sequel? Oh yea, I will. I carry the Ever Burning Torch of the Satellite of Love. There is of course some redeeming qualities. First of, the story line could have gone somewhere. It really could have. If it had been polished a bit, it could have carried the movie. I like the premise very much. Also, even if they ARE amateur actors, eye candy abounds.
In the Year 2889 (1969)
The best part was the packaging....
I gave this film two stars because of the preface on the back of the case. I'll explain. Some of you who have read my reviews know that I only review B horror and sci-fi flicks. God bless Treasure Box for producing a virtually endless supply of bad films, usually two for a dollar on DVD. On the back of the DVD case, there is usually a short little blurb about the film. The back of this forgotten gem reads, "A retired navy captain and his daughter survive a nuclear holocaust due to their sheltered location in a remote canyon. Before long, other survivors show up looking for food and shelter. THEN THE RADIOACTIVE ZOMBIES START TO SHOW UP!" (Caps by me.) That is by far and away the coolest movie blurb I've read on the back of a case. As for the movie, yea, it's as bad as everybody says. I'm amazed that it flew under the radar of the Satellite of Love. Nobody in this movie gives any kind of performance at all. I think they were all reading off of cue cards. I'll finish this off by saying, watch it if ya want, but keep in mind, it's painful.
Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet (1965)
Well, it IS a Russian flick, after all.....
I am a huge fan of B-movies, so anything I write a review for will be graded on a curve. With that being said.... As some of the other reviewers have noted, this movie was originally filmed in Russia and the dialogue was Russian. The film was re-released and dubbed in English. There is a robot called, oddly enough, John the Robot, that appears to be a proto-type for Robbie the Robot (see "Forbidden Planet). The biggest difference between the two is that John the Robot doesn't have any moving parts. Rathbone plays his typical intense self and does an admirable job, at that. His character, Professor Hartman seems to be a type of space Sherlock Holmes, so, he's right at holmes. (Oh, that was bad.) I guess the most impressive part of this movie is the special effects and sets. The interior of the ship and some shots of the ship in space are impressive for a low budget flick. Also, the shots of Venus are excellent. The down side of the film is that it was made by American International Pictures and was filmed in that horrid Pathecolor which gives it that washed out red look. I gave it a 5 out of 10, and would suggest that anybody who is a sci-fi buff have it in there collection.
Blood Tide (1982)
Okay, if you're into 'B' movies.....
No, it wasn't 'Jaws'. It was okay, though. You get to see a young, trim James Earl Jones, and he does a decent acting job for the most part. You get to see the bad guy from Karate Kid do a fair to good acting job as well. The rest of the cast includes veteran Jose Ferrer, Lila Kedrova, Lydia Cornell and Mary Weller. Lydia Cornell does a horrible acting job, but is fun to look at. The worst part is, there is no monster. I mean, yea, there IS, but, you never see him, except for about three seconds. What you DO see isn't that bad, just needs a little work. The location for shooting was awesome. Oh yea, there is one full frontal early on in the movie. Don't look for her again, or even another frontal. That's it. That's all you get. All in all, I'd say it's worth watching, if you're into 'B' horror like I am.
Dark Waters (2003)
So bad, it's painful.
With the advent of straight to video movies, a whole new genre of 'B' movie seems to be appearing. This is one of them. It can't seem to make up it's mind if it wants to be a horror movie, or a sci-fi movie or an action flick. In all honesty, it fails on all levels for ALL of them. Lorenzo delivers as good a performance as can be, considering the script. He counterpart is fun to look at, but she's only tolerable if you turn the sound down on your TV. The graphics leave a great deal to be desired, especially in a day and age where really, really good graphics are available at a reasonable price from a variety of start up animation companies. The sharks are reminiscent of "Anaconda" (the first one). Remember how bad the snakes were? The sharks are worse. Really. Unless you're desperate, I'd pass on this one. It has it's moments, but for the most part, it's an incredibly uncomfortable experience.