Monkey-Character Reviews

The Witches (2020)

Where do you start with this train wreck?!

[1/10 · 13 November 2020]

I'm all for a new take on something, but when you've managed to get tons of charities for disabled people upset because of a characteristic that the director decided to do differently from the book's depictions then you know you're off to a bad start.

The fact that it was switched to Alabama US instead of the UK seems an odd move, but then to change Grandmama from being Norwegian also removes some of the mystic charm of the Nordic angle of the story and (in my mind) betrays Dahl's heritage and experiences, too.

The final straw was race coming into it and remarks from the new (black) grandma that "witches only prey on the poor and wouldn't bother rich white people". We then almost immediately see them at the exact hotel she chooses to go to in order to avoid witches because 'it's full of rich white people' and the first child the Witches turn into a mouse is a rich white child!

It's scary and confusing for children and completely naff for adults. It's lost all the charm of the book, has ostracized people with disabilities and decided to bring class and race into the picture without any context and then in schizophrenic fashion turns that on its head anyway!

I can't find anything redeeming about it. Even the CGI was naff. Anne Hathaway does the best she can, but even that's not enough. Avoid.

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (2019)

No idea how they could get this so wrong

[4/10 · 12 October 2019]

Boring as it gets, little interest, little humour, terrible plot and I'm absolutely gutted. I cannot fathom how anyone found this film remotely rewarding, interesting or ... anything. In time this score will plummet.

Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)

Really didn't like it 😔

[3/10 · 29 December 2018]

Given the outstanding episodes preceding it, this was an interesting concept with possibly the worst Black Mirror story so far. Make no mistake, I'm a huge fan and will likely continue to be. I just think this missed the mark.

Disenchantment (2018–2023)

Boring ... and I watched all 10 episodes of S1 whilst feeding a baby!

[3/10 · 26 August 2018]

I really wanted to love this, but it falls flat in almost every area. There are the occasional funny joke, but so much of it is laboured and none of it had the acerbic wit of Futurama or the consistently funny slapstick / cleverly crafted jokes of Simpsons.

I like the little world they've created and being based in a fantasy kingdom there's loads of room to make this really interesting and crazy. However, the fact that I found I could walk out to get a drink / snack without feeling I wanted to pause the show says a lot. I was also feeding a newborn baby through most of this, so they had a very captive audience looking for an escape!

Dunkirk (2017)

So, SO bad.

[1/10 · 29 December 2017]

Terrible effects, over 300,000 evacuated but no use of CGI and there was typically around 200 just milling around, almost 1,000 civilian boats took part but the film decided to depict about 20 of them. There were modern building around the beach, the Spitfire effect at the end was just laughable, characters were terrible, didn't tell a story, no scenes really mattered, etc.

Most of all, one of the biggest logistical missions of the war with countless brave civilians stepping up and doing their duty for king and country (and significant loss of life) and we get a terrible action (!?) flick with no real acknowledgement for the heroes. I also believe Christopher Nolan said he didn't want to include Churchill in it as it would make it political. Genius.

Straight Outta Compton (2015)

Hip Hop fans will like this

[3/10 · 1 September 2015]

I'll come clean and say that I generally liked this film because I love hip hop; particularly from the late 80's through to the late 90's. I was interested in the character portrayal, the music was great and as a hip hop fan it was interesting.

However ...

Honestly, as a film it was pretty bad really. The acting is terrible, it's an hour too long and I find it a bit weird that Cube and Dre are bigging themselves up massively and they are the producers. I can't imagine that anyone that does not like hip hop would even begin to like this film in the slightest. It's very boring towards the end and it's just a series of really weird scenes all cut together.

I'm not sure why it's doing so well with the critics, but I expect that the timing is great with Dre's new album and the Apple Music stuff. Either way, if you like hip hop you'll like this for a lot of reasons. If you don't, this is likely to be the worse film you'll ever see!

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

One line saves this film ...

[10/10 · 7 November 2013]

You can say whatever you want about this movie (and most people have said a lot!), but there is no finer line in any film than when Jake manages to tag the shark and the crew member screams "YES JAKE, YOU GOT HIM MAAAN" in the greatest West Indian accent ever to grace the big screen!

Admittedly the rest of the film really is an appalling mess of bad acting, terrible effects, reused footage and pretty much every single bad thing that can cause a movie to be terrible. It's one of those things; if you like Jaws films you'll like this regardless. If you don't, this could easily be the worst film you'll ever see!

Riddick (2013)

Gutted

[2/10 · 8 October 2013]

I loved Pitch Black and I loved Chronicles of Riddick. I'm aware that there is always a lot of silliness and bravado in there, but that's all part of the fun and charm.

However, Riddick left me completely and utterly gutted. It didn't really go anywhere, it was badly executed, plot holes reigned supreme and more than anything we didn't really get to see Riddick do all that much.

This is a childish film that I suspect will only appeal to simpletons I'm afraid. If it hadn't been Riddick (and I wasn't with a friend that was also desperate to see it) it's one of the few films that I would probably have walked out of because I genuinely had better things to do!