zambonilord Reviews

Black Emanuelle (1975)

A flawed classic

[6/10 · 6 November 2013]

Laura Gemser is breathtaking! She is beautiful beyond words. Even now in her senior years she is still stunning. She is a natural beauty in every way. This fact must be understood when watching Black Emanuelle.

Whether it intended to be or not, This movie is at it's core, a love letter to both Laura Gemser and South Africa as a whole. The cinematography is breathtaking, as is the sight of Laura Gemser. And we get plenty of both in spades.

The plot is little more than a vehicle to transition from one sex scene to the other. Which is fine, as all of the scenes have Gemser either participating or present. So no complaints here.

Well actually, I only have two complaints. The two male leads in the movie, Look almost identical, And sadly if you are following the story it makes figuring out who's who a nightmare. My second complaint is the Gang-bang scene on the train, It was shoe horned in and feels like it, as it makes no sense at all even be porn standards.

In the end, It's worth checking out. If nothing else but for the amazing view of Laura Gemser

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Finally Got to Watch This

[8/10 · 6 November 2013]

I must say, I was expecting to be disappointed. I am by no means a fan of Zombie movies, Plus as much as this movie was hyped, how could it live up to expectations? Surprisingly, it has held up over time. The Ghouls as they are called (According to a recent interview Romero doesn't consider, Zombie to be an applicable term) are surprisingly creepy.

The general plot is that for unknown reasons, The dead are walking and behaving like animals. While the movie puts forth the theory that the epidemic is being caused by an alien radiation, The actual cause of this horrific invasion are never determined. In the end, The dead are walking, Who cares why? What's most poignant about this movie is how the Ghouls compare to today's overly saturated zombie market. These Ghouls demonstrate basic problem solving skills, no emotion whatsoever, and, unprecedented for a Zombie movie, a sense of self preservation.

This coupled with the notion that any and all dead will rise and attack the living, makes the Ghoulish hoard a credible threat for an unprepared populace.

The weakest part is probably the human characters. While this movie is noteworthy for having a black man as the lead actor, The characters do little more than bicker over where to hide. It's the sort of problem that even for stressed people, should have been easy to fix as both points were valid. But hey, it gives us our controversy, however trivial.

The ending is the part I really took issue with. And while I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it, It's one of those pointless and easily avoidable bad endings that not only does nothing for the drama, but trivializes the whole movie.

Still, it's worth checking out this classic, and discovering what made the Zombie Genre what it is today.

Damien's Seed (1996)

This movie made me a fan of Jaqueline Lovell

[7/10 · 9 July 2013]

Damien's Seed. I saw this movie before I knew what the title was. This is Soft-core at it's finest. The plot is a basic woman disappears in a sleepy town and a Private Eye is hired by another woman to find her.

Thankfully the movie doesn't pretend to be anything more than soft-core porn. So the plot is light and fluffy and the sex scenes and nudity are diverse and plentiful. Yet at the same time, the sex scenes all feel like they fit.

There's a hint of pseudo-occult but I won't ruin it for you. If you are looking for a little more story with your porn then I would recommend you look no further than this one. As Shauna O'Brian and Jaqueline Lovell have plenty of steamy scenes to keep most thrill seekers happy

The Man with the Iron Fists (2012)

Do you want some Garlic with that scenery

[7/10 · 9 July 2013]

I've always maintained that movies need to be good or entertaining. This one was by no means good but it was Oh so entertaining! This is cheesy martial arts movies at there finest! Delicious delicious set chewing from beginning to end. Russel Crowe is the only actually talented actor in this movie and clearly is having a blast. Everyone else is overacting with wild abandon and loving every minute of it.

The plot is pretty straight forward, Mix of a heist and revenge story. With plenty of sex, gore, and acrobatic martial arts. None of it is believable and we don't care. And through it all, Bautista wonders on set and they put him in the movie (watch it, you'll swear that's what happened) If you love cheesy low budget martial arts movies with a little T&A and a lot of gore, Or if you like watching Russel Crowe having a good time check this movie out.

PS: Everyone in this movie has such easy to remember names: Jack Knife Bronze Body, Gold Lion, Silver Lion, Bronze Lion etc

Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

Alyssa Milano Has Breasts

[4/10 · 8 July 2013]

There is only one reason this movie was made, So that Alyssa Milano could show of her post, Who's the Boss, Breast implants. Seriously, this movie vampire lore doesn't even try to make sense. A vampire who was sired back in Playboy's version of the Renissance, By three vampire chicks with Blow dried hair and modern day tattoos. He's lived for a few hundred years and now that he's seen Alyssa Milano he MUST have her by her 18th birthday, or he'll die literally. Which kind of sucks. I had no idea Vampirism had an expiration date.

In the end the lesbian Photographer scene IS the movie there is nothing else to see, the Photographer is the most interesting character and does not get enough screen time. And Alyssa Milano's breasts are very nice.

PS: I will also just say this now, (SPOILER) Jeniffer Tilly WAS the vampire, She wasn't a servant, she had the same tattoo and disappeared after the jump cut. Congrads you just jerked to gay soft-core.

Stormswept (1995)

Is this a Joke?

[1/10 · 8 July 2013]

This movie falls into the dubious Genre of, What the hell did I just watch? I use the term movie generously as a movie is equal parts cinematography and story. Stormswept is seriously lacking in the latter. It builds itself up as low budget horror/soft-core porn. Unfortunately, it only get's the low budget right. The story is laughably absent and plays like the filler between porno scenes. Only those are written better. And just when the movie finally looks like it's getting it's act together and get's moving on a story, It not only fails to deliver but gives us an ending that makes so sense whatsoever. I seriously couldn't spoil this movie even if I wanted to. Because the ending makes no sense at all.

In the end, there is no reason to watch this. One could argue Boobies, But with the internet today, one can NOT be that hard up for what brief bits of nudity that exist in this horrid purgatory of a movie. If you want decent soft-core with a spoonful of plot and a dash of Satanism, Watch Damien's Seed.

Barbarian Queen (1985)

Best Drinking Game EVER!

[4/10 · 8 July 2013]

I had a theory about movies. For every two minutes of Bad movie you need one minute of Nudity to make it watchable. This movie puts that theory to the test, and disproves it with a glorious vigor.

I think most every female in this movie was topless for the majority of it. The story is milk toast, but what I found the most absurd is just how bad the acting was. I mean it was Tommy Wiseau bad. In fact the nudity and acting are so bad there's almost a shamelessness about it. As though it's proud of how bad it is. And for that I would actually recommend it for anyone who wants to see a lot of breasts in a low budget Connan rip off.

For those who are feeling daring I offer the barbarian Queen Drinking game. This requires two teams, Team One is team acting and Team two is Team Boobs. For ever poorly acted line of dialog, team Acting takes a drink, For every set of boobs you see, team Boobs takes a drink. Please keep an EMT handy and sober as most likely more than one person will almost die of alcohol poisoning. You've been warned

The Wolfman (2010)

Horror as it should be

[8/10 · 1 July 2013]

Horror, is not by any means the genre of cinematic Masterpieces of the world. But periodically one comes along that stands out from the rinse and repeat slashers of the genre. Wolfman is one of these movies, Dark and atmospheric, The Cinematography was excellent, The practical effects were refreshing and the CGI transformations were beautiful done. Particularly enjoyable were the performances by Hopkins, and Weaving who share very little screen time, but each deliver a haunting performance beautifully. If I have one complaint it was the amount of back to back jump scares. Thankfully the Director's cut breaks this up and adds much more character development to the story. Fans of Good Horror wanting to see a new spin on a classic will appreciate this one.