Yesterday, I was sitting in a restaurant, watching people walking by; some of them seemed happy, some content, most just caught up in the hustle and bustle of their everyday lives...looking at these people, I could immediately tell that they all had one thing in common: none of these people had just sat through 'Cats'.
'Cats' is the kind of movie you go see before having a colonoscopy to make the procedure seem like a trip to Disney Land in comparison.
Sitting through this film was, and I'm not exaggerating here, the most painful movie-going experience of my life, more than that, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. That time the horse kicked me, awesome after what I just sat through, all those bad Tinder dates, I'll marry any of them, attending my own mother's funeral not nearly as painful as sitting through this vile piece of cinema.
Now, I'll be straight, the stage play 'Cats' has never been a show that spoke to me personally and I have only seen limited extracts from the show itself. Yet, I could appreciate it. The makeup, the choreography, the singing talents, the casting...even if it wasn't my personal taste, I was still able to appreciate the enormous talent behind all of it and sometimes respect for source material means more than truly enjoying it. And that is what this film adaptation lacked severely, there was no respect for the source material it was based on.
'Cats' is a production that never should have been adapted to film, it couldn't. It has to be seen live to appreciate the on-stage talent. What this film brought us is badly CGI'd characters, looking creepy as hell, doing choreography that has been toned down from the show it's based on, with a whole lot of A-list actors singing mostly out of tune. Seriously Hollywood, you made this same mistake with Les Miserables, just because an actor is a big name it does not mean he can sing and viewing it is cringe worthy.
And that is what I felt for most the running time of this film, I was cringing, I felt uncomfortable, I was checking the time every 5-minutes, I just wanted this nonsensical. unpleasant, piece of trash to end so I could get out of there. And it took forever, the end of this movie felt like it was trolling me with at least 5-points where I thought the film was over, me jumping up and then it starts again - Cats, you are not freaking 'Lord of the Rings' and you do not get to do that!
When it finally did, I walked out of the cinema in a daze, I was ready to dump my entire movie collection into the garbage and to never watch another movie again, I was angry, I was sad, but mostly I just felt empty. Empty knowing that there are people starving in Kraaifontein and I had just thrown money away on this film.
I am going to be adding a list of charities below, please, think of them before you spend a dime of your money seeing 'Cats' because doing so is basically paying good money to give yourself brain tumours.
Reviews
42 Reviews
Cats
(2019)
The reason Siskel and Ebert both died were likely to avoid seeing this movie
4 January 2020
The Lion King
(2019)
I walked into the cinema expecting to hate this and yet I was still unprepared..
11 August 2019
The Lion King (piece of **** remake) mini-review: It's like watching the Animal Channel with some horrendous voice actors improvising the original 'Lion King' script over it, with the addition of female empowerment, anti-bullying messages and some scenes that felt like they were lifted from 'A Game of Thrones'. Summary: this movie, this movie right here, this was more offensive than Jurassic World and I hope the filmmakers get herpes.
Halloween
(I) (2018)
Halloween - Spoiler Free Review
20 October 2018
Horror movie fans are a lot like domestic abuse victims, no matter how bad the movies in a franchise get, somehow, we'll always still come back for more, case and point: the Halloween franchise. One would think that the abysmal Busta Rhymes sequel, followed by the, actually quite painful to watch, Rob Zombie reboot series, would have been enough to bury Michael Myers once and for all, but, instead, less than 10 years later, studios made an announcement that another Halloween film was in the works, John Carpenter would be involved and it would be a direct sequel to the 1978 original...hearing this, of course, fans reacted like they had just learned about the second coming...I know, because I was one of them.
Playing off 40 years after the original (and 20 years after H20 - that can't be a coincidence), the movie once again stars Jamie Lee Curtis, reprising the role of Laurie Strode. Following the events of that one night, Laurie has basically become Sarah Connor from 'Terminator 2', training herself to become this absolute survivalist, teaching herself hand to hand combat, how to fire any conceivable type of fire arm, setting up her house with escape routes...basically, just dedicating her whole life to a second encounter with Michael Myers that only she believes is coming. She raised her daughter the same way, putting a great strain on their relationship, even more so now that her daughter has reached adulthood and has a teenage daughter of her own. Judy Greer stars as the daughter of Jamie Lee Curtis, and I have to admit, the relationship between these two characters, I found to be one of the most compelling things about this film, because, even though she treats her mother badly, we put ourselves in Judy Greer's shoes and we get it...both actresses, but Jamie Lee Curtis in particular, bring quite a bit of depth to their characters, we sympathise with both and their unique points of view and we want to see them reconciled; this was one elements to the film that truly worked. Meanwhile, in the other part of the story, Michael Myers, who has been locked up in a penitentiary for the last 40 years, is about to be transferred; two radio pod-casters are doing a story about him and the events that happened 40 years earlier, and wish to interview him, before the transfer. This sub-plot about the radio podcast, oddly enough, was another part of the film I found myself very invested in and I wish it could have gotten more focus; it offers some interesting theories about what may have caused Michael to become evil and opens the door to what could have been a completely different, and in my opinion, better movie. It all comes to an abrupt halt though, as, on the night of Michael's transfer, the bus crashes, Michael is able to escape, another killing spree starts...and the movie loses my interest. Some of you may recall, that in the original film, Michael Myers only murdered a hand full of people; this gave the movie time to really focus on those kills, build the suspense, give us time to get to know the victims and, overall, just make a bigger impact...in this film, Michael Myers has basically become Jason Voorhees, trying to fit in as many kills as humanly possible, before those end credits roll, and, at times, it just feels forced and unnecessary; that is my main problem with this movie, too much of it feels forced: there is this ridiculous sub-plot regarding Michael's new psychiatrist that will leave you scratching your head and wondering what, exactly, the point to that was; Will Patton, starring as the new Sheriff, gets a hell of a lot of screen time but it all really just ads up to nothing, there are also moments of comic relief thrown in at the worst possible times, and completely ruining some of the most suspenseful moments. The original movie, had very little humour in it, sure there was some earlier on when it was establishing the characters and giving them unique traits, therefore, it served a purpose...here it's just comic relief thrown in, because, apparently, in 2018, viewing audiences simply are no longer capable of watching horror movies without breathers, in-between.
Now, I'm not saying that this movie does all the scary scenes wrong, there is a scene in a bathroom that's actually quite intense to watch and gets close to capturing that old Halloween feel, also a scene with him stalking a babysitter. Both these scenes are clever nods to earlier films, and that was something I very much did like about this movie, there are tons of these spread out throughout the movie, but each one of them with their own unique twist. A scene with Laurie's granddaughter sitting in a classroom and starring out the window, just like Laurie did in the original film, was, surprisingly, one of my favourite scenes...even if it only lasted a few seconds.
All and all, this sequel really wasn't awful by any sense of the word, actually, there are some things about it that are quite great...Jamie Lee Curtis, the pod-casters, many of the earlier scenes...this movie had a lot of potential, and, in some ways, many actually, it's a worthy sequel, BUT when you have the balls to step into an arena, publicly announce that you are discrediting all the earlier sequels, that this will be the only sequel that matters: then you have to deliver, you have to make something that stands out, something that is better than all those earlier films, and, unfortunately, this movie was simply not able to pull that off...so, good movie, not great, but if you're a horror fan...we both know that you won't be able to resist seeing this film, and frankly, for a 21st century horror film, you can still do a hell of a lot worse.
The Visit
(I) (2015)
The Visit - Spoiler Free Review
20 September 2018
In 2008, M. Night Shyamalan brought us 'The Happening', then in 2010, he brought us 'The Last Airbender' and then in 2013, he brought us 'After Earth', it would literally have taken effort to create a movie that was half as bad as any of those and that's why, when he released 'The Visit' in 2015, audiences went nuts for it. Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but this movie is still really bad; was it better than his previous efforts? Of course it was, all the movies I just listed had been the quality I'd expect if a producer gave Tommy Wiseau a Hollywood budget and told him to make a movie, they were absolutely irredeemable and anything would have been better, case and point: The Visit. 'The Visit' stars Olivia DeJonge and Ed Oxenbould as two overacting siblings, who are going to meet their estranged grandparents for the first time. Olivia DeJonge, staring as Becca, is making a documentary about the trip, in an futile effort to try and solve the mystery of why their mother had walked out on her parents and never spoken to them again. Yep, you guessed it, Shyamalan has made a found footage film...this gimmick had been getting old for a while and Shyamalan does not help this fact. During their visit, the grandchildren begin to discover some really weird things about their grandparents and try to discover what's going on; that's the plot. At the core, this could have been an okay movie, the plot is simple, not particularly original, but still fun. The twist actually makes sense, and although many claim to have seen it coming, I can't say that I did...simply because I didn't think Shyamalan was capable of coming up with one that was just regular The problem is though, this is obviously still a Shyamalan film, the acting is horrendous, not necessarily because these are all bad actors, but because they're acting in that over-the-top way that is a trope in any of his films. The 90 minute running time is also filled with nonsensical scenes that go nowhere, offer nothing to the plot and actually just make us like the characters even less. The dialogue sounds unnatural and is very unevenly written, with characters acting like 'Rug Rats' in one scene and adult characters in the next. The grandparents, portrayed by Deanna Dunagan and Peter McRobbie, are genuinely creepy at times but lose their edge as the film progresses, obviously not knowing what to do with their badly written characters. I think what stood out the most for me though, was how incredibly long this 90 minute film felt, it simply could not keep my interest and had me reaching for my phone several times, just to have something else to do. It was simply that boring of a film. Now I will admit that 'Split' the movie Shyamalan released one year after this, was a much better effort and did show that this man still has some talent left, therefore, if you're one of this people still watching his films in the hope of him again delivering something in the quality of his first two efforts, 'The Sixth Sense' and 'Unbreakable', just skip this and go directly to 'Split', because this movie is simply too dull, average and unmemorable to ever really be enjoyable.
P.S.
I was going to be generous and give this 5 stars, but I literally deducted a point for the scene that played over the ending credits, which was simply the most out of place and soul crushing thing I've sat through all year. I hate you Shyamalan.
Night Court
(1984–1992)
Night Court (Season 1) - Review
19 September 2018
Warning: Spoilers
I never watched 'Night Court' when I was younger, but I've always heard good things about it, so, yesterday, 34 years after its initial release, I started binge-watching this classic sitcom. I'll be reviewing it season by season as I work through them.
The pilot opens with Judge Harry T. Stone (Harry Anderson), freshly appointed to the chair, starting his first night as a municipal court judge. Harry is the youngest judge ever appointed to the chair and quickly causes controversy with his unconventional and sometimes immature methods. Although the other characters, at first, find his manner deplorable, they quickly begin to recognise his good intentions and start gathering a respect for him, not only as a judge, but also as a friend. If I was to sum 'Night Court' up in one sentence it would be "Cheers, if it was taking place in a courtroom". The humour and writing style is very similar to the latter, which had been released only two years prior, and even the writer did admit that he largely based Harry's character on his portrayal of 'Harry the Hat', a bit part Anderson had portrayed in the 1982 sitcom. The relationship between Harry and Lana (Karen Austin) also closely resembles that of Sam and Dianne, two co-workers who are regularly at ends with one another, due to their conflicting personalities, yet are constantly fighting a mutual attraction. Unlike 'Cheers' though, where they took several seasons to build on this, 'Night Court' only gave this relationship 8 episodes, before dropping the subplot completely and dropping the character of Lana from the show, without so much as a dialogue mention of where she went. The behind-the-scenes reasoning behind it was, apparently, that actress, Karen Austin, had been diagnosed with Bell's Palsy, and the producers had felt this would be too great a burden on filming. Several other characters were introduced and dropped from the show as well, making it clear that the producers hadn't quite found their footing with this first season yet. This was especially apparent in the first half, and I'll admit, that by episode 6, I was rather sceptical whether I'd be watching season 2 at all. In the second half though, the show got a lot better, there were a lot more laugh-out-loud jokes, mostly provided by John Larroquette, playing the part of Dan Fielding, a pompous, self absorbed, and often inappropriate, district attorney. At the core, even though I wasn't blown away by this first season, it still proved to be a show with heart, many episodes offered strong life lessons, but never became nearly as preachy as shows like 'Full House' or 'Step By Step'. The characters are also genuinely likeable, and although often overacted, in a way that only the 80's could have gotten away with, it's still holds up for viewers who gets a nostalgia feel from that era of sitcoms. All and all, I'll say that younger viewers might find this show cringe inducing, but if you're in your late 20's or above, give this a try if you're just in the mood for an absolute overdose of nostalgia, that is also sometimes quite hilarious.
The pilot opens with Judge Harry T. Stone (Harry Anderson), freshly appointed to the chair, starting his first night as a municipal court judge. Harry is the youngest judge ever appointed to the chair and quickly causes controversy with his unconventional and sometimes immature methods. Although the other characters, at first, find his manner deplorable, they quickly begin to recognise his good intentions and start gathering a respect for him, not only as a judge, but also as a friend. If I was to sum 'Night Court' up in one sentence it would be "Cheers, if it was taking place in a courtroom". The humour and writing style is very similar to the latter, which had been released only two years prior, and even the writer did admit that he largely based Harry's character on his portrayal of 'Harry the Hat', a bit part Anderson had portrayed in the 1982 sitcom. The relationship between Harry and Lana (Karen Austin) also closely resembles that of Sam and Dianne, two co-workers who are regularly at ends with one another, due to their conflicting personalities, yet are constantly fighting a mutual attraction. Unlike 'Cheers' though, where they took several seasons to build on this, 'Night Court' only gave this relationship 8 episodes, before dropping the subplot completely and dropping the character of Lana from the show, without so much as a dialogue mention of where she went. The behind-the-scenes reasoning behind it was, apparently, that actress, Karen Austin, had been diagnosed with Bell's Palsy, and the producers had felt this would be too great a burden on filming. Several other characters were introduced and dropped from the show as well, making it clear that the producers hadn't quite found their footing with this first season yet. This was especially apparent in the first half, and I'll admit, that by episode 6, I was rather sceptical whether I'd be watching season 2 at all. In the second half though, the show got a lot better, there were a lot more laugh-out-loud jokes, mostly provided by John Larroquette, playing the part of Dan Fielding, a pompous, self absorbed, and often inappropriate, district attorney. At the core, even though I wasn't blown away by this first season, it still proved to be a show with heart, many episodes offered strong life lessons, but never became nearly as preachy as shows like 'Full House' or 'Step By Step'. The characters are also genuinely likeable, and although often overacted, in a way that only the 80's could have gotten away with, it's still holds up for viewers who gets a nostalgia feel from that era of sitcoms. All and all, I'll say that younger viewers might find this show cringe inducing, but if you're in your late 20's or above, give this a try if you're just in the mood for an absolute overdose of nostalgia, that is also sometimes quite hilarious.
Unsane
(2018)
Unsane - Spoiler Free Review
18 September 2018
Surprisingly effective psychological thriller stars Claire Foy as Sawyer Valentini, a woman who moves 900 miles away from her home town of Boston to escape an obsessed stalker. While consulting a psychiatrist, Sawyer gets herself inadvertently committed to a mental clinic, the same clinic where her stalker may or may not be employed at. This movie was a lot better than I ever could have expected; although her character lacks likeability, Claire Foy does manage to create sympathy for a woman who has simply been dealt a really bad hand in life. She plays the part just right and actually manages to keep the viewers guessing whether her claims are true or just delusions of her own insanity. Joshua Leonard (from 'The Blair Witch Project') is equally effective as the man accused by her of being her stalker; he plays his character calm at all times, making him effectively creepy.
The tone of the film is extremely dark and unsettling, and makes good use of it's limited locations. The script is well written, with effective dialogue and plot elements keeping it moving at a brisk pace with enough twists and turns to keep almost anyone's interest. At the core, this does remain a stalking film, but as far as stalking films go, this is about as original as one can possibly expect. Highly recommended.
The Boy Next Door
(2015)
The Boy Next Door - Spoiler Free Review
17 September 2018
Noah Sandborn's life is going well, he just moved in with his uncle, he's gone back to high school to finish his final year, his teacher/neighbour (Jennifer Lopez) is creepily watching him undress through the upstairs bedroom...yes life is going well for this attractive, charismatic young man. Until on stormy night, tragedy strikes, something he could never have expected, something he could never have foreseen...he under cooks his chicken, luckily Jennifer Lopez goes over to save the day and he thanks her by sleeping with her, so life is good again. The next morning though, his life is shattered once more when J-Lo calls their night of passion a mistake that should never have happened, Noah, obviously, doesn't take this rejection too well, so starts stalking her and trying to murder her family...perhaps a little over dramatic on his part, but then again, this is the risk J-Lo took when she slept with one of her students; he still might be the real victim here.
'The Boy Next Door' is your absolute standard stalker film, starting with one night of passion that obviously means more to one than the other, sending that person over the deep end and making him accomplish feats that makes you just want to employ him for his amazing time management. Jennifer Lopez does her best homage to her portrayal in 'Anaconda' bringing to screen the same amount of likeability and sympathy we felt for that character; I'm glad that she's at least kept her acting consistent for 18 years. Ryan Guzman does bring some creepiness to his portrayal of Noah Sandborn, but at times is just too over the top to really be taken seriously. He handles his transition from nice guy to psycho pretty well, but, as is usually the case with these movies, the writers kinda screw him in that department, making the transition instant, instead of just taking some time to show a rapid decline into madness, as is usually how it works in real life. His actions are exciting at times, and although predictable, isn't completely insufferable to watch, which basically sums up the movie as a whole as well: it really isn't any better or worse than the other films that followed this exact formula, so if you're a fan of 'Swimfan', 'The Roommate', 'Single White Female 2' and the 100s of other identical films, you'll probably enjoy this just fine.
Highlander
(1986)
Highlander - Spoiler Review
17 September 2018
Warning: Spoilers
So we just finished watching the original 'Highlander' film, and yes I know this film is considered a cult classic, but let's take a moment to think of those words "cult classic". The popular definition of a cult classic is a rather bad movie that over the years gained a rather large, mainstream following...quite often for no reason other than how nutoriously bad it was; a few films included in this definition are 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes', 'The Dentist', 'The Unnameable' and even 'Troll 2'...all I'm saying is that if you're going to try and defend a film by calling it a cult classic, you may as well just hand me a loaded shotgun.
So now that I have that off my chest, let's move on and see what fate has in store for us regarding 'Highlander'...well actually this movie opens rather sweetly, is that? Yes! The opening credits roll and it's accompanied by the original Queen track, written for this film, 'Prince of the Universe'. I was excited when I heard this, damn which self respecting male wouldn't be?! An awesome song by an awesome band, all our male guests were singing along, playing their invisible instruments...I guess we should probably apologize to the girls for doing that in front of them, please don't judge us. Of course, most unfortunately, this song couldn't last forever and we move into a wrestling arena, where some guys in really gross red Speedos proceed....well by doing what wrestlers do; why do people watch wresting again (asks the guy who's never missed a Bad Movie Sunday). We were kind of curious how they pulled off the panning shot across the crowd though, and somebody...I'm thinking it was Ruben...suggested a helicopter, well right my friend was, how do we know this? because the sounds of the helicopter can be heard as clearly as the voices of the idiots watching the match. The camera pans through the crowd and stops on the face of the infamous Highlander himself, aka Connor Macleod, played by Christopher Lambert...I have an issue with this actor, I've seen him in a few things before, 'Mortal Kombat,' 'Knight Moves', 'Highlander 2: The Quickening' (the movie we actually should have been watching) - this actor only has one look! No really, he always wears that same emo, I take myself way to seriously face; there's actually one scene in this film, where he and Sean Connery are doing kind of a 'Rocky 3' montage and they're running across the beach, and having just learnt he can telepathically sense deer, Lambert attempts a smile for the first time in his career...but it's so embarrassing, and awkward, kind of like that scene in general. And that's not the only scene in this film that's awkward to watch: throughout the film we cut back, a couple of hundred years, I forget how many exactly, but we get flashbacks of Macleod's time in Scotland; while fighting in some Scottish battle, and Macleod's army get's their asses kicked btw, but Macleod takes a sword through his chest and miraculously survives, convincing his kinsman that he has the devil inside him and the obvious next thing for them to do is to kill him. Well it's good to know that in Scotland, should you survive some great accident you can at least count on your friends to make sure you won't be making that mistake again. Still the way the whole scene plays out is pretty bad, it's kind of like in 'Passion of the Christ' where he's carrying a pole over his shoulders and everyone's throwing him with things; poor Macleod, but at least for once his emo facial expressions seemed vaguely appropriate. So his kinsman decide to let him live but they banish him from his homeland, which seems to work out okay as he goes and finds himself a rather pretty looking wench and even builds himself a castle. The time cut here doesn't really work either, as it all happens in about 18 seconds and it's kind of hard to follow, but while we're on the topic of the castle: now I know that Connor Macleod is constantly portrayed as rather mediocre in just about everything he tries...be it intentional or unintentional I'm not really sure, but if you build a castle and seemingly just pack the rocks on top of each other, with absolutely no sustainability whatsoever, well you're not only playing games with your own life. Really I'm kidding, but I'm not, Sean Connery's character, Ramirez, is attacked by the Kurgan, and after sharing their usual dialogue of "there can be only one" they embark in a sword dual, whenever these guys just so much as touch the wall, half of it simply falls apart...what the hell guys?! I know from a special effects point of view this may look okay, but just take a moment and think about what you're asking us to believe. I also love the way that after Ramirez cuts a hole in the Kurgan's neck, that for the following centuries the best solution he can possibly come up with is stapling the cut back together. I guess I should explain a bit about the Kurgan: actually there's really not much to tell, like Macleod and Ramirez he's immortal, but as it's never really clearly explained where any of these immortals came from, we know about as much of his back story as we knew of Freddy's return in 'Nightmare on Elm Street 5'. He is however the soldier who stabbed Macleod in the Scottish battle, and like all the others he is on a rampage to kill all the other immortals so that he can win "the prize". The prize by the way is gaining all the knowledge in the world so that you may control planet Earth, which is probably the reason the other immortals don't want the Kurgan to have it, as he does seem to have some rather cruel motives, also he is kind of a jerk, but I'll say that about anybody who decapitates Sean Connery. Sean Connery's character in this film is kind of weird to...I'm not going to get into the whole 'Highlander 2' Zeist storyline, because we all know these two films completely contradict each other, but what really bothers me is why Ramirez goes to all the trouble of tracking down Macleod, training him to become this fantastic soldier...if eventually they both know they'll have to kill each other anyway. Wouldn't his chances of winning that fight be better if he doesn't first teach his opponent everything he knows? Well that's just what I think. Still their training does lead to one really funny scene where Ramirez finally convinces Macleod he's immortal by throwing him into the river, proving that he can't drown; I just love the way he pulls out his sword and starts randomly cutting up underwater seaweed - what does he think the term "there can be only one" counts for plant life as well? But at least this scene wasn't accompanied by another track from Queen, yes I know that sounds completely contradictory, but come on, as much as I love Queen and I loved the opening credits - they completely overuse Queen in this soundtrack. It's like 'Knight's Tale' using the Queen soundtrack for jousting - well actually that was kind of okay, but here: there's just something weird about listening to a rock soundtrack in a 16th Century setting; kind of like them drinking wine from a bottle, we were debating that, did glass exist in the 16th century? Okay but enough with bloody Scotland in the 16th century, enough! Let's catch up to Macleod in the modern times, he works as an antique dealer now, did I mention that? Anyway, following the wrestling match Macleod decapitates another immortal and leaves the body there for everyone to see and flees the scene where he's almost immediately arrested. Luckily him caught fleeing from the scene, with his finger prints on the murder weapon and him having instant access and knowledge of such weapons isn't enough to hold him for longer than a few minutes, so he's released and starts casually stalking Roxanne Hart...who is a sword expert, working for the FBI forensics' department, who I guess has a division for people murdered in a 16th century manner...I have no idea. Anyway after rejecting Macleod's offer to walk her home, she simply starts stalking him instead and witnesses a battle between him and the Kurgan; I just love Macleod's reaction after seeing that she followed him "Don't ever follow me again!" man I love that, this guy's on his way to getting laid big time...uhm guys I was being sarcastic, you don't actually have to, okay fine go ahead...actually this scene's kind of hardcore, how did they get that through? I'm sorry, a rather graphic sex scene wouldn't usually bother me, but when you make a movie with a script that wouldn't really appeal much to anyone over the age of 12, this just seems like a rather desperate attempt to reel in a different kind of audience; that seemed to be the only reason for the wrestling scene as well. Well anyway, I'm going to start rapping up here, so I'll give you the rest of the film in a nutshell, Macleod is attacked...again....by the Kurgan, and then again...so they fight on top of a huge skyscraper, Roxanne Hart's character is caught in the crossfire and falls from the skyscraper, but miraculously hits the ground unharmed. The two immortals continue their battle in water and then fall through to...well nothing; they mention a few times that there can be only one and finally the Kurgan is made to be considerably shorter when his head is detached from the rest of his body. Macleod wins the prize, and there's this ridiculous animation type scene as he gains the power...I especially love the Hydra type things that come at him, really looking like they're going to eat him; also they don't even attempt to hide the fact that Macleod is being kept in the air via cables, we see the cables at least 16 times...that's got to be some sort of record. Anyway that's my review of 'Highlander' not as bad as some of the other things we've watched on this show, definitely not as bad as 'Killer Nerd'...but I hear 'Highlander 2' does qualify, so I'll just have to keep my eyes open for that one. Thanks for reading, check back next week.
So now that I have that off my chest, let's move on and see what fate has in store for us regarding 'Highlander'...well actually this movie opens rather sweetly, is that? Yes! The opening credits roll and it's accompanied by the original Queen track, written for this film, 'Prince of the Universe'. I was excited when I heard this, damn which self respecting male wouldn't be?! An awesome song by an awesome band, all our male guests were singing along, playing their invisible instruments...I guess we should probably apologize to the girls for doing that in front of them, please don't judge us. Of course, most unfortunately, this song couldn't last forever and we move into a wrestling arena, where some guys in really gross red Speedos proceed....well by doing what wrestlers do; why do people watch wresting again (asks the guy who's never missed a Bad Movie Sunday). We were kind of curious how they pulled off the panning shot across the crowd though, and somebody...I'm thinking it was Ruben...suggested a helicopter, well right my friend was, how do we know this? because the sounds of the helicopter can be heard as clearly as the voices of the idiots watching the match. The camera pans through the crowd and stops on the face of the infamous Highlander himself, aka Connor Macleod, played by Christopher Lambert...I have an issue with this actor, I've seen him in a few things before, 'Mortal Kombat,' 'Knight Moves', 'Highlander 2: The Quickening' (the movie we actually should have been watching) - this actor only has one look! No really, he always wears that same emo, I take myself way to seriously face; there's actually one scene in this film, where he and Sean Connery are doing kind of a 'Rocky 3' montage and they're running across the beach, and having just learnt he can telepathically sense deer, Lambert attempts a smile for the first time in his career...but it's so embarrassing, and awkward, kind of like that scene in general. And that's not the only scene in this film that's awkward to watch: throughout the film we cut back, a couple of hundred years, I forget how many exactly, but we get flashbacks of Macleod's time in Scotland; while fighting in some Scottish battle, and Macleod's army get's their asses kicked btw, but Macleod takes a sword through his chest and miraculously survives, convincing his kinsman that he has the devil inside him and the obvious next thing for them to do is to kill him. Well it's good to know that in Scotland, should you survive some great accident you can at least count on your friends to make sure you won't be making that mistake again. Still the way the whole scene plays out is pretty bad, it's kind of like in 'Passion of the Christ' where he's carrying a pole over his shoulders and everyone's throwing him with things; poor Macleod, but at least for once his emo facial expressions seemed vaguely appropriate. So his kinsman decide to let him live but they banish him from his homeland, which seems to work out okay as he goes and finds himself a rather pretty looking wench and even builds himself a castle. The time cut here doesn't really work either, as it all happens in about 18 seconds and it's kind of hard to follow, but while we're on the topic of the castle: now I know that Connor Macleod is constantly portrayed as rather mediocre in just about everything he tries...be it intentional or unintentional I'm not really sure, but if you build a castle and seemingly just pack the rocks on top of each other, with absolutely no sustainability whatsoever, well you're not only playing games with your own life. Really I'm kidding, but I'm not, Sean Connery's character, Ramirez, is attacked by the Kurgan, and after sharing their usual dialogue of "there can be only one" they embark in a sword dual, whenever these guys just so much as touch the wall, half of it simply falls apart...what the hell guys?! I know from a special effects point of view this may look okay, but just take a moment and think about what you're asking us to believe. I also love the way that after Ramirez cuts a hole in the Kurgan's neck, that for the following centuries the best solution he can possibly come up with is stapling the cut back together. I guess I should explain a bit about the Kurgan: actually there's really not much to tell, like Macleod and Ramirez he's immortal, but as it's never really clearly explained where any of these immortals came from, we know about as much of his back story as we knew of Freddy's return in 'Nightmare on Elm Street 5'. He is however the soldier who stabbed Macleod in the Scottish battle, and like all the others he is on a rampage to kill all the other immortals so that he can win "the prize". The prize by the way is gaining all the knowledge in the world so that you may control planet Earth, which is probably the reason the other immortals don't want the Kurgan to have it, as he does seem to have some rather cruel motives, also he is kind of a jerk, but I'll say that about anybody who decapitates Sean Connery. Sean Connery's character in this film is kind of weird to...I'm not going to get into the whole 'Highlander 2' Zeist storyline, because we all know these two films completely contradict each other, but what really bothers me is why Ramirez goes to all the trouble of tracking down Macleod, training him to become this fantastic soldier...if eventually they both know they'll have to kill each other anyway. Wouldn't his chances of winning that fight be better if he doesn't first teach his opponent everything he knows? Well that's just what I think. Still their training does lead to one really funny scene where Ramirez finally convinces Macleod he's immortal by throwing him into the river, proving that he can't drown; I just love the way he pulls out his sword and starts randomly cutting up underwater seaweed - what does he think the term "there can be only one" counts for plant life as well? But at least this scene wasn't accompanied by another track from Queen, yes I know that sounds completely contradictory, but come on, as much as I love Queen and I loved the opening credits - they completely overuse Queen in this soundtrack. It's like 'Knight's Tale' using the Queen soundtrack for jousting - well actually that was kind of okay, but here: there's just something weird about listening to a rock soundtrack in a 16th Century setting; kind of like them drinking wine from a bottle, we were debating that, did glass exist in the 16th century? Okay but enough with bloody Scotland in the 16th century, enough! Let's catch up to Macleod in the modern times, he works as an antique dealer now, did I mention that? Anyway, following the wrestling match Macleod decapitates another immortal and leaves the body there for everyone to see and flees the scene where he's almost immediately arrested. Luckily him caught fleeing from the scene, with his finger prints on the murder weapon and him having instant access and knowledge of such weapons isn't enough to hold him for longer than a few minutes, so he's released and starts casually stalking Roxanne Hart...who is a sword expert, working for the FBI forensics' department, who I guess has a division for people murdered in a 16th century manner...I have no idea. Anyway after rejecting Macleod's offer to walk her home, she simply starts stalking him instead and witnesses a battle between him and the Kurgan; I just love Macleod's reaction after seeing that she followed him "Don't ever follow me again!" man I love that, this guy's on his way to getting laid big time...uhm guys I was being sarcastic, you don't actually have to, okay fine go ahead...actually this scene's kind of hardcore, how did they get that through? I'm sorry, a rather graphic sex scene wouldn't usually bother me, but when you make a movie with a script that wouldn't really appeal much to anyone over the age of 12, this just seems like a rather desperate attempt to reel in a different kind of audience; that seemed to be the only reason for the wrestling scene as well. Well anyway, I'm going to start rapping up here, so I'll give you the rest of the film in a nutshell, Macleod is attacked...again....by the Kurgan, and then again...so they fight on top of a huge skyscraper, Roxanne Hart's character is caught in the crossfire and falls from the skyscraper, but miraculously hits the ground unharmed. The two immortals continue their battle in water and then fall through to...well nothing; they mention a few times that there can be only one and finally the Kurgan is made to be considerably shorter when his head is detached from the rest of his body. Macleod wins the prize, and there's this ridiculous animation type scene as he gains the power...I especially love the Hydra type things that come at him, really looking like they're going to eat him; also they don't even attempt to hide the fact that Macleod is being kept in the air via cables, we see the cables at least 16 times...that's got to be some sort of record. Anyway that's my review of 'Highlander' not as bad as some of the other things we've watched on this show, definitely not as bad as 'Killer Nerd'...but I hear 'Highlander 2' does qualify, so I'll just have to keep my eyes open for that one. Thanks for reading, check back next week.
Killer Nerd
(1991)
Killer Nerd - Spoiler Review
17 September 2018
Warning: Spoilers
The premise of this film...hahaha film...is a 'nerd' in a yellow shirt and work trousers who goes for a makeover, and when that fails to help him score, he goes on a killing spree wiping out the entire cast - the end. Who the hell is responsible for this?! Oh right Troma Entertainment, I guess I should have seen that coming; for those of you who have never heard of Troma Entertainment before, they're the company behind such gems as 'Redneck Zombies', 'Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods', 'Bloodspit' and of course 'Bride of Killer Nerd' - yes this movie has a sequel, I know...I own it; I think there's a part of me that really hates money, I mean how else can I possibly explain this...thing...being in my possession? Oh wait I remember: I originally got my hands on the Killer Nerd/Bride of Killer Nerd compilation when I purchased another movie from Troma Entertainment entitled 'Mother's Day' - and yes it sucks too; the Killer Nerd compilation had been taped onto my 'Mother's Day' DVD, along with a red ribbon, almost as if feeling the need to bribe people into taking this DVD for free. I had tried desperately to view the film after I had first received it but somehow I had just never gotten past the absurd opening of some dream girl performing a strip show. Fortunately now, having finally watched the film in its entirety, I can proudly testify - that I still don't know what the point of that scene was. Well actually...you remember what I said about bribery, right? Or maybe the editor just fell asleep at the board, added this by mistake and the director couldn't tell the difference.
The scene finally ends and we're introduced to the killer nerd himself, aka Harold Kunkle, change a few letters in that last name and he could have been Harold Cancer...it sure as hell would have been more appropriate, I mean listen to his voice, he sounds like a robot with bad wiring; actually that's me being really-really kind, but seriously: who saw this guy at the audition and felt they just have to cast him in this role; I kid you not, this guy make's the performance of the girl in 'Woodchipper Massacre' look like Tim Robbins in 'Shawshank Redemption'.
Some really awful music plays while he goes through his morning activities, and of course we get to watch them, all of them; it was at this point where our laughter had seized and I'm pretty sure I heard someone utter the phrase "I think we should rather watch Star Wars Holiday Special"...and he wasn't exaggerating either, this movie is worse than 'Star Wars Holiday Special' - how is that even possible?! Was this a religious thing, you know where someone's too much of a pussy to blow out his own brains, so he simply makes a movie like this knowing that after watching it the audience will do the work for him?! Either way, I don't see any angels in his future.
Harold departs for work on foot, and of course we get to watch him walk...and walk...and walk, finally he stops at a bus stop, although we never actually see him board a bus, so we presume the only reason he stops there is to be bullied by the two most dim witted, clichéd, thugs you have ever seen on screen...I don't quite recall what they said to him, or maybe I just wasn't listening, but either way it all goes on for way to long. The scene finally ends and we get to see even more of him walking, until he finally reaches his job as an office...something. There he hits on another rather nerdy girl, although I get the feeling she wasn't supposed to be portrayed that way, and then he's picked on by one of his co-workers. I wish you could have heard some of this guy's dialogue; do people like that really exist? I mean I've made fun of a few people in my time, but if that's the best you can come up with...needless to say this guy's dialogue sounds like if Michael Bay had wrote the script for 'Casablanca'. I'm going to skip forward here, and it really makes no difference as really nothing happens for the next thirty minutes...well except Harold inviting the nerdy girl to a church picnic and getting rejected by the most awkward lie I've ever seen in a movie. Nerdy Girl: "I would have loved to, but I just remembered I have to go out of town Sunday morning". Harold: "That's okay, the picnic is Saturday". Nerdy Girl: "Oh God, I just remembered I actually have to go out of town really early Saturday morning." Damn woman just say "no"! Trust me he's used to it...I could be talking about the character or actor, it really doesn't make any difference. So Harold purchases an anti-nerd video tape off one of those infomercials, but of course they first make us watch the infomercial in all four and a half minutes of its agonizing glory; let me give you this tape's advise when you want to show a girl you're interested: stand with your hands in your jeans front pockets, roll your hands continuously and then point to the girl...it's a rare movie that not only makes you feel stupid for watching it, but that actually just outright says it! Next Harold has his hair redone in a punk rock style, and the hairdresser actually states that girls will drop dead when they see him...I don't want to give the film unnecessary credit, but I like to think that sentence had double meaning. It was round this point where the movie passed the 40 minute mark and so far we hadn't gotten so much as a hint that this is in fact a horror movie: maybe the fact that it's so bad made it classify, if so this is scary stuff! Or maybe the title actually meant 'Killer Nerd' in the terms of 'Lady Killers', I mean he is holding a gun on the box cover, but maybe the artist just didn't get it either. Sigh, we're going to have to finish the movie to find out, aren't we? Really, do we have to? I loathe myself.
Now looking like a new man...actually he looks exactly the same, just with way to much gel in his hair...Harold visits the home of the nerdy girl and when it turns out she's already taken (I give you eight seconds to figure out by who) instead visits a night club; Bartender: "What's your pleasure, sir?" Harold: "I would like a drink please". On a personal note, take a guess what I would say to any customer coming up to my bar and saying they'd like "a drink". Harold stands in the doorway, watching other people dance and at first it seems this film was at least kind enough to not have him join them...oh wait there he goes, what the hell's going on now? They're forming a circle around him as he dances? Why?! This guy dances like Mickey Mouse who just noticed he mistook Goofy for an attractive female rodent. Harold is picked up by two punk rock types and joins them on their quest for weed. It of course turns out their dealers are the punks from the bus stop and they proceed to beat the life out of Harold...yes get him! If you finish him off completely I can simply change the title to 'Killed Nerd' and we can all go home. Of course they don't quite finish him, but the music does turn all 'Kill Bill' on us all of a sudden...and it seems the movie might actually be threatening to start, why not? It's only been 65 minutes.
So he goes after the nerdy girl and the Michael Bay-dialogue-type-guy first, doing a pretty decent impersonation of a cat; so that's this guy's calling, animal sounds? Well I guess it's still better than doing voice work for the Disney Channel. This guy's death scene actually made me laugh again, you know the way he screams, backs away from the killer, apparently getting bored with the scene and then stepping forward into the knife...I'd explain the gap of logic, but that would be really insulting your intelligence. The Nerdy girl meets her demise by Harold forcing acid down her throat; well first he drops her boyfriend's head down on the bed, and that truly is the best fake heads that Wall Mart has to offer. She screams a bit, but also doesn't really do much to stop him. Next he goes after his mother, and this scene actually made me lose a bet, because I really thought there was no way this movie had the guts to add any reference to matricide; I guess that's the key to outsmarting me, just put a bunch of eight year olds in a circle and let them write a script. Following the mother's untimely death, Harold goes after the punk clan and we step into our final sequence. This sequence is really wow, wow as in how lazy the writing is: you know how horror films always manages to come up with some creative, or sometimes less creative, idea for the victims to go off alone as to meet their demise by the hands of the killer? This film actually has 3 of the 4 characters all go off to the bathroom, one by one, so that Harold can slaughter them. What the hell?! Really, three times, you used the same cliché three times?! This is worst writing than 'Cheerleader Massacre' and you know what I think of 'Cheerleader Massacre'?! I've watched that movie three times and it's so bloody forgettable that I still don't have any kind of clue who the killer is! Man I want to use a curse word here, really this movie makes me mad! And what's with the lighting? The exterior shots have all gone purple and the inside keeps flashing, what are you hoping your audience all suffer from epilepsy and the flashing might literally kill them before they can tell others about how bad your movie is?!...I'm done...really I'm done.
The scene finally ends and we're introduced to the killer nerd himself, aka Harold Kunkle, change a few letters in that last name and he could have been Harold Cancer...it sure as hell would have been more appropriate, I mean listen to his voice, he sounds like a robot with bad wiring; actually that's me being really-really kind, but seriously: who saw this guy at the audition and felt they just have to cast him in this role; I kid you not, this guy make's the performance of the girl in 'Woodchipper Massacre' look like Tim Robbins in 'Shawshank Redemption'.
Some really awful music plays while he goes through his morning activities, and of course we get to watch them, all of them; it was at this point where our laughter had seized and I'm pretty sure I heard someone utter the phrase "I think we should rather watch Star Wars Holiday Special"...and he wasn't exaggerating either, this movie is worse than 'Star Wars Holiday Special' - how is that even possible?! Was this a religious thing, you know where someone's too much of a pussy to blow out his own brains, so he simply makes a movie like this knowing that after watching it the audience will do the work for him?! Either way, I don't see any angels in his future.
Harold departs for work on foot, and of course we get to watch him walk...and walk...and walk, finally he stops at a bus stop, although we never actually see him board a bus, so we presume the only reason he stops there is to be bullied by the two most dim witted, clichéd, thugs you have ever seen on screen...I don't quite recall what they said to him, or maybe I just wasn't listening, but either way it all goes on for way to long. The scene finally ends and we get to see even more of him walking, until he finally reaches his job as an office...something. There he hits on another rather nerdy girl, although I get the feeling she wasn't supposed to be portrayed that way, and then he's picked on by one of his co-workers. I wish you could have heard some of this guy's dialogue; do people like that really exist? I mean I've made fun of a few people in my time, but if that's the best you can come up with...needless to say this guy's dialogue sounds like if Michael Bay had wrote the script for 'Casablanca'. I'm going to skip forward here, and it really makes no difference as really nothing happens for the next thirty minutes...well except Harold inviting the nerdy girl to a church picnic and getting rejected by the most awkward lie I've ever seen in a movie. Nerdy Girl: "I would have loved to, but I just remembered I have to go out of town Sunday morning". Harold: "That's okay, the picnic is Saturday". Nerdy Girl: "Oh God, I just remembered I actually have to go out of town really early Saturday morning." Damn woman just say "no"! Trust me he's used to it...I could be talking about the character or actor, it really doesn't make any difference. So Harold purchases an anti-nerd video tape off one of those infomercials, but of course they first make us watch the infomercial in all four and a half minutes of its agonizing glory; let me give you this tape's advise when you want to show a girl you're interested: stand with your hands in your jeans front pockets, roll your hands continuously and then point to the girl...it's a rare movie that not only makes you feel stupid for watching it, but that actually just outright says it! Next Harold has his hair redone in a punk rock style, and the hairdresser actually states that girls will drop dead when they see him...I don't want to give the film unnecessary credit, but I like to think that sentence had double meaning. It was round this point where the movie passed the 40 minute mark and so far we hadn't gotten so much as a hint that this is in fact a horror movie: maybe the fact that it's so bad made it classify, if so this is scary stuff! Or maybe the title actually meant 'Killer Nerd' in the terms of 'Lady Killers', I mean he is holding a gun on the box cover, but maybe the artist just didn't get it either. Sigh, we're going to have to finish the movie to find out, aren't we? Really, do we have to? I loathe myself.
Now looking like a new man...actually he looks exactly the same, just with way to much gel in his hair...Harold visits the home of the nerdy girl and when it turns out she's already taken (I give you eight seconds to figure out by who) instead visits a night club; Bartender: "What's your pleasure, sir?" Harold: "I would like a drink please". On a personal note, take a guess what I would say to any customer coming up to my bar and saying they'd like "a drink". Harold stands in the doorway, watching other people dance and at first it seems this film was at least kind enough to not have him join them...oh wait there he goes, what the hell's going on now? They're forming a circle around him as he dances? Why?! This guy dances like Mickey Mouse who just noticed he mistook Goofy for an attractive female rodent. Harold is picked up by two punk rock types and joins them on their quest for weed. It of course turns out their dealers are the punks from the bus stop and they proceed to beat the life out of Harold...yes get him! If you finish him off completely I can simply change the title to 'Killed Nerd' and we can all go home. Of course they don't quite finish him, but the music does turn all 'Kill Bill' on us all of a sudden...and it seems the movie might actually be threatening to start, why not? It's only been 65 minutes.
So he goes after the nerdy girl and the Michael Bay-dialogue-type-guy first, doing a pretty decent impersonation of a cat; so that's this guy's calling, animal sounds? Well I guess it's still better than doing voice work for the Disney Channel. This guy's death scene actually made me laugh again, you know the way he screams, backs away from the killer, apparently getting bored with the scene and then stepping forward into the knife...I'd explain the gap of logic, but that would be really insulting your intelligence. The Nerdy girl meets her demise by Harold forcing acid down her throat; well first he drops her boyfriend's head down on the bed, and that truly is the best fake heads that Wall Mart has to offer. She screams a bit, but also doesn't really do much to stop him. Next he goes after his mother, and this scene actually made me lose a bet, because I really thought there was no way this movie had the guts to add any reference to matricide; I guess that's the key to outsmarting me, just put a bunch of eight year olds in a circle and let them write a script. Following the mother's untimely death, Harold goes after the punk clan and we step into our final sequence. This sequence is really wow, wow as in how lazy the writing is: you know how horror films always manages to come up with some creative, or sometimes less creative, idea for the victims to go off alone as to meet their demise by the hands of the killer? This film actually has 3 of the 4 characters all go off to the bathroom, one by one, so that Harold can slaughter them. What the hell?! Really, three times, you used the same cliché three times?! This is worst writing than 'Cheerleader Massacre' and you know what I think of 'Cheerleader Massacre'?! I've watched that movie three times and it's so bloody forgettable that I still don't have any kind of clue who the killer is! Man I want to use a curse word here, really this movie makes me mad! And what's with the lighting? The exterior shots have all gone purple and the inside keeps flashing, what are you hoping your audience all suffer from epilepsy and the flashing might literally kill them before they can tell others about how bad your movie is?!...I'm done...really I'm done.
The Purge: Anarchy
(2014)
The Purge: Anarchy - Spoiler Free Review
17 September 2018
Back in 2013 when 'The Purge' was released, I saw it and my immediate thought was simply "Wow, this is a piece of ****", so when I heard they were making a sequel, I did what any rational person would do and skipped it. Then last week, with two hours to burn between seeing 'The Nun' and 'The Meg' I walked into 'The First Purge'...my thoughts while sitting there was something along the line that I now literally know what castration must feel like and right there and then I called that it would be the worst film I see in 2018. But, I'm a bit of a masochist, and therefore, yesterday, I decided to watch the other Purge sequels... I'm actually in shock to be saying this, but this movie was freaking awesome! We follow three groups of characters: a couple who recently broke up and who get stuck outside when their car breaks down, a police officer out for revenge against the man who accidentally killed his son the previous year and a mother and daughter, just doing whatever they can to survive the night. Ultimately the three groups band together to survive the annual Purge. Frank Grillo stars as the police officer who becomes the leader of the group and he is simply awesome in this part. Grillo's character asks the classic question of what we would do to someone who hurt our family, and brings a true depth to this character, while still being a tough as hell and just an overall fun character. The other characters are likeable too, unlike just about everyone in 'The First Purge', these characters are all quite sympathetic and all have defining character traits that makes you want to see them survive. This alone already puts this high above the other entries I'd seen previously. The plot is handled much differently too, while the original mostly stayed in one location and ultimately just became another home invasion film, this one takes you out into the action and offers a hard look at a crumbling society. The assassins, especially those hunting the young couple, is creepy as hell. There are lots of slow moments with them kinda just standing still and staring, and these scenes are actually spine tingling. The political commentary here is done much better too, even if it more or less gives the same message as the other entries, it's better balanced and doesn't come across as just plain racist (like 'The First Purge'). Overall, you don't have to be a fan of the original to like this sequel, hell skip the original completely and start with this film, because this is purging done right.
The Four: Battle for Stardom
(2018)
The Four: Battle for Stardom (Season 1) Review
15 September 2018
Warning: Spoilers
So as exactly two people read my 'The Four: Battle for Stardom (Season 2)' review, this apparently was enough inspiration for me to do something completely masochistic and see where this 'brilliant' show got its origins...that's right, I have now seen 'The Four' season 1...just give me a moment to take that reality in again...okay...I'm just going say it - this is a million times worse than season 2, I'm going to repeat that statement: THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN SEASON 2! That's a sentence I just wrote, and I, honest to God, did not think that could ever be possible, because watching Season 2 felt like watching the Jersey Shore version of American Idol, it made me sad for television, it made me sad for humanity and it made me sad for my brain cells. Where the hell do I even start with this...? (insert curse word). Now, even though I left this out of my Season 2 review, there was one thing about it I actually really did like, and that was that everyone, even the contestants that didn't get to challenge, were all pretty good singers; this gave the show some credibility, as it's not those laughable American Idol idiots being rejected here, these were all arguably decent singers and by the judges rejecting them, we at least knew the bar was set pretty high here. That's not quite the case with season 1...oh don't get me wrong, the panel claims it is, but no, most these contestant are pretty subpar, if even that. We open with the titular 'Four' doing a sing along of a children's song; here we're reminded that these four were hand picked by the panel of experts, while I was silently making a list of unused kitchen utensils that I felt could probably challenge any of them; I'm not even going to bother introducing them this time, because - big surprise - they're all eliminated before the end of the second episode. Really there are only two contestants at all worth mentioning from this season, the first is 16 year old Zhavia; the first contestant to challenge and dethrone one of the original Four...I did not care for Zhavia; as a singer she was just okay and as a contestant she was unlikable, apparently the panel couldn't see this though, as they immediately start treating her like the reincarnated version of Marie Antoinette, even asking her (and only her) to weigh in with her opinion on new contestants (wtf DJ Kahled); it reaches the point where, not even subtly, they are, on screen, using it as a discussion point that they don't want to say yes to new contestants, out of fear that those contestants will be able to eliminate Zhavia - uhm judges, here's a thought, if you've already chosen your winner 30 minutes into the pilot, maybe just give her a damn record deal and don't make us sit through another 5 episodes of this. I also love how by episode 3 they are constantly referring to her as a survivor and how she's been the longest surviving contestant in the history of the show...even though at that point she had literally only sang one song; it gets so bad that new contestants debate whether to even bother challenging her, considering how long she has already survived...again, one song, she has survived one challenge. The other contestant I want to mention is Jason Warrior (yes, that is apparently his real name); this little turd single handedly starts the craze that every contestant needs to have a sad story and then use it as a selling point for the rest of the show; in retrospect, his story is nowhere near as tragic as he seems to think it is, but he goes all out with it, even going so far as yelling at new contestants about how his hard life has made him an artist and no-one can compete with him - let's just call it Kanye Sydrome. This does lead to one of my favourite scenes though, after he is finally eliminated in episode 5, he creepily confronts Meghan Trainor and then proceeds to sing to her, her own song 'Like I'm Gonna Lose you'; it's one of those TV moments that has to be seen to understand, but this is about as uncomfortable as it can possibly get, and he is ultimately removed by security. Another point worth mentioning, is that 'The Four' actually starts with Four judges, that's right, the first four episodes includes, ex-President of Republic Records, Charlie Walk - the one guy, who, when compared to, makes me want to be BFFs with Diddy. This guy, by far, is the worst part of the entire season. He has no on-screen presence, no likeability, no chemistry with the other judges and even his opinion is highly questionable; something Diddy agrees with and actually calls him out on, on bloody public television; uhm guys, if your panel of experts are accusing each other of not being well enough informed on certain music genres to be judging it, maybe they should sort that out off screen and not have your judges openly announce to the entire world just how badly put together this show is. So, like in Season 2, all judges need to approve a contestant for him/her to progress, so this is basically the first episode: Diddy, Meghan and Khaled loves a contestant, Charlie hates him, contestant is rejected, Diddy, Meghan and Khaled hates a contestant, Charlie loves him, contestant is rejected...the only way anyone eventually starts getting past the judges is when Khaled starts threatening to walk off if certain contestants are rejected. Then the best part: in episode 5, Charlie is suddenly gone, no acknowledgement, no explanation, he has just vanished, the rules have been adapted to make it work for just three judges and they go on like there were never four judges to begin with. For if you're wondering, Charlie had been accused of sexual harassment and was not only fired from the show, but also as the president of Republic Records; good riddance, whether he was guilty or not. The last point I want to touch on, and I feel almost unfair mentioning this, because they did rectify it in season 2, but still, here it's just hilarious - in season 2 'The Comeback Episode' was just that, 8 popular contestants that were eliminated, are brought back to battle it out and try and regain their seats. Here though, that's only the second half of the episode, with only four contestants brought back; the first half is still bringing in new contestants, two of which actually win their challenges and places in the finale and one that actually wins the show - that's right, the winner of 'The Four' Season 1, was only introduced in the semi finals, meaning we had only heard her perform once before the finale. Diddy, I'm going to talk slowly so that even a self proclaimed genius like you can follow; I get that you're trying to find the next super star, but this is still a television show and in order for the viewers to feel any kind of excitement over the announcement of the winner - we need to feel some sort of connection with that winner, we cannot do that in only one and a half episodes - yes I know, it's getting heated in here, you can take your shirt off again.
I think I can sum this whole season up with one final thought, the winner of this season actually appeared multiple times in season 2 and her name was mentioned in almost every episode - and yet this had left so little of an impact, that I still had zero recollection about who that winner was, until her name was actually announced...so at the least, I guess it can keep it's surprise factor for multiple viewings. Go back to rapping Diddy, your show sucks.
The Four: Battle for Stardom
(2018)
The Four: Battle for Stardom (Season 2) - Review
15 September 2018
Warning: Spoilers
I know what you're thinking and the answer is no, I'm not planning on replacing my movie reviews with long winded breakdowns of reality TV shows, but last week, while fan boying the somewhat infamous, Rebecca Black, I came upon her auditioning for a show called 'The Four'...a show that constantly refers to itself as the biggest show on television, yet not a single person I've spoken to claims to have ever heard of this. Now just a fair warning, for any of you who are actually watching, or planning to watch this show - I'm going to spoil the living hell out of this thing, so don't say I didn't warn you.
So 'The Four' is rapper, Diddy's, take on the American Idol genre - thereby ticking off another box on South Park's claim that there literally is nothing Diddy hasn't done. Diddy is the Simon Cowel of the judging panel, minus the wit or charisma, he's joined by Randy and Paula rip-offs, DJ Khaled and Meghan Trainor - and I'm not joking when I say this panel is ripping off the first season of American Idol: Diddy is the powerhouse, titan of the music industry, who always thinks he's right and is usually harder to contestants than they deserve, DJ Khaled is the fat, funny judge, whose always ready with a one liner or some quip of never giving up on your dreams, that everyone only take half seriously, and Meghan is the oh so nice girl, that she borderlines on coming off condescending. The show is hosted by Black Eyed Peas star Fergie - but she's mostly just there to wear sexy outfits and explain the rules of the show at least 5 times in every episode. And then lastly we have the titular 'Four' - four upcoming stars, handpicked by the panel of judges, who will have to battle it out with a group of challengers, to win a record label and become the new music sensation. So this season starts off with, James - you know he's important, because I actually remember his name, angry black girl that you know will leave first (she literally falls out in the first 10 minutes), possibly the sexiest woman alive, Latina girl, and lastly: Sharaya H...another angry black contestant, but this one we know will stick, because in addition to the fight of "keeping her seat" she is also fighting cancer. I hate that I say that so nonchalantly, I really do, but want to know why? Because EVERY damn new contestant on this show has a tragic back story; I'm not kidding, you know how on American Idol they occasionally introduce contestants who have gone through some personal trials to get there and you just know that contestant is going to be important? Here it is literally every contestant - and if they don't have one (like James), they'll try and create one for him later in the show. I started skipping through these introductions at, I think episode 5, when they introduced the (and I'm not making this up): homosexual/shunned by his community/escaped from an abusive relationship/struggled through drug problems/struggled through alcoholism and was diagnosed with HIV...I didn't see the point in hearing the other people's stories after that, no-one was going to top that. The irony though, that guy didn't even make it through! That's right, we're forced to learn the history of every single person that tries out, only for most of them to simply fall out on their first try...thanks for that, Diddy. Those who do stick though, wow are those stories used to garner sympathy votes - I challenge anyone to find a single interview with Sharaya that does not focus on her cancer; hell they hardly even discuss her music, they always get back to that. I guess I would feel worse for this contestant, was it not for the mother of all timing, where it is suddenly announced in the last 5 minutes of the season finale - that her cancer has disappeared. And yes, for in case you couldn't gather, I just revealed that she makes it to the end, and this brings me to my biggest gripe with this show, the audience votes basically mean nothing. So how it works: in the first 6 episodes, new contestants are brought in, they audition for the judges, if all three judges give them 'the blue ring' then they get to challenge one of 'The Four', the audience then votes and whoever gets the highest vote takes a seat as a member of 'The Four'. Then comes episode 7, 'The comeback episode' where contestants who fell out throughout the course of the show, get to battle it out again and this time the judges get to decide who stays. Ali beat out Whitney earlier in the season, judges did not like that, so they let them challenge each other again and this time the judges keep Whitney and kick Ali out, making the audience participation...completely pointless. Fan favourite, James, who dramatically fell out, right at the end of the new contestant phase, is also cleverly brought back here and - spoiler alert - he wins the show, ultimately kicking out out Sharaya in the final battle...even though she had won every single audience vote from the very first episode. And then there's the show itself, the reason I hate this so much and simultaneously, the reason I can't stop watching...I suggested we create a 'The Four' drinking game - drink every time a judge says "this is season 2", drink every time someone says "I'm hungry" or "I'm ready to eat", drink every time Fergie says in an annoying voice "we have a challllenge", every time Diddy mentions "his legacy"...this list could have gone on forever, until I realised that agreeing to play this drinking game, will also be agreeing to a suicide pact, because no-one would survive the first 10 minutes, that's how repetitive this show is. I actually swear this show re-used certain takes and just spliced them into different scenes, because there is no way people can repeat themselves this often. Well, actually, considering what I'm estimating to be the joint IQs of everyone involved in this show, I guess it is possible - I actually made it all the way through episode 1, believing this to be a parody of American Idol, and even now, it still hurts me emotionally to accept that this show is real. And now for the kicker - I recommend the hell out of this show, it's freaking hilarious and, be it unintentionally, is the perfect example of everything that is wrong with our generation, labelled by big stars telling us that acting like morons is the way to make millions...thanks again Diddy.
Spider-Man: Homecoming
(2017)
Spider-Man: Homecoming - Spoiler Free Review
15 September 2018
Arguably one of the most anticipated films since the start of the MCU 9 years ago, this was mostly worth the wait. Tom Holland shines in the title role, bringing a new charm and vulnerability to the character that was lacking in the earlier portrayals by both Toby Maguire and Andrew Garfield. The film itself is far removed in both tone and style from what we have come to expect from the other films already released in the MCU, being just as much a teen comedy as a superhero film and switching well from being mostly comedic to sometimes surprisingly dark. Michael Keaton does an excellent job bringing the Vulture to life, keeping the character eerie, yet at the core still slightly sympathetic. Although the high school plot line and antics do get tiring at times, they are not enough to spoil what is generally a very decent and thoroughly entertaining film.
War for the Planet of the Apes - Spoiler Free Review
15 September 2018
Having just watched this movie, I actually find it hard to think that this movie got released in 2017 as it feels like a film from a different era, a time when filmmakers did not rely solely on effects to get moviegoers into the cinema but actually put in effort to all the different aspects that used to make films great. 'War for the Planet of the Apes' is a movie that simply does everything right, being part war film, part adventure film and even in part doing homage to classic Westerns, it balances all these different genres with exact precision. I guess I should take a moment here to say what I thought about the previous entries: 'Rise' I thought was a great film, strong plot, brilliantly acted, CGI was a bit iffy at times, but overall, loved it. 'Dawn' although by no means a terrible film I found strangely uninvolving and ultimately unmemorable. War fixes everything that was wrong with the previous films, the CGI is some of the best I have ever seen in a film, bringing life and emotion to these characters that you completely forget that they aren't real; the movie itself grips you from the very first scene and not for a single moment loses your interest. The acting here is top notch, not only from the main characters but from the smaller parts as well, we feel for the apes, we feel for the humans, soldiers caught up in a war they don't fully understand and we feel their fear as they fight this war. Important to note here: while the first two entries still focused mainly on the human characters, this movie is Caeser's story, he is in almost every scene and even though he is still a CGI character, the brilliance of his on screen presence along with Andy Serkis's voice work, brings a new depth to this character that we never got to see in the previous films. Woody Harrelson, as well, gives a career defining performance, his character is what an antagonist should be: evil, terrifying, unpredictable and most importantly, at all times convinced that the path he chose was the right one. This character is irredeemable and Woody Harrelson sells it every step of the way. The film's tone is intense as hell, you're kept on the edge of your seat, not knowing what's going to happen or who's going to die next and every time somebody does, you feel that death scene. Not a single character's death is simply glanced over, each one is handled with the class of an art film and they give both the characters and the audience time to let it sink in and for them to truly feel the loss. The lighting, especially when Woody Harrelson is on screen, adds a touch of great symbolism to the film, taking hints from techniques that were most commonly used by filmmakers like Alfred Hitchcock. The other symbolism, although pretty obvious, really does work here and the social commentary remains strong, without becoming preachy. There are some nods made to the original 'Planet of the Apes' series that I thought were quite clever, and never reaches the point of shoving it in your face like was the case with 'Rise' and the "Damn dirty ape" line.
Overall I truly recommend this film, don't wait for it to come to the small screen, go see it in the theatre, I'm definitely going to go see it again, so please go out and show your appreciation for film making at its very finest.
Transformers: The Last Knight - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
I walked into this movie not caring and I walked out caring even less. Transformers 5 suffers from the same grave mistake as the previous entries, specifically that it invests so much time into the first two acts that by the time the final act finally arrives, you're sitting there thinking "there can't possibly be another 30 minutes of this", which is of course followed by 30 minutes of quick cuts, hard to follow action sequences, human characters that seem like they belong in a different movie and Optimus Prime ending it off with the same speech we've heard four times before. And the weirdest thing of all: this kinda saddens me, because I actually believe that somewhere on the cutting room floor, this could have been an okay movie. Even though his acting at times still seems like he's doing a homage to his character in 'The Happening', Mark Wahlberg is still a much more likable and convincing leading man than Shia Labeouf, the plot, although unnecessarily complicated, was interesting enough for me to at least pay mild attention and the robots look just as cool as ever. So really what destroys this film is bad pacing and a running time that simply goes on for way too long, there are whole scenes, hell whole characters who could and should have been left out of this film, jokes that are there simply as unnecessary nods to the previous films and action scenes that go on so long that you simply lose interest. Oh and Anthony Hopkins was in this, that's not part of the review, I'm just still trying to spin my head around what the hell they did to get Anthony Hopkins in this. But you know what, none of what I write actually matters, because if there is one thing Michael Bay has inexplicably pulled off with these Transformers films, it's his ability to get people who don't even like them to somehow keep seeing them - I'm one of those idiots and I'm pretty sure that in another 3 years, I'll be writing another mini review of how much I didn't care about Transformers 6...and for that, I kind of applaud him.
Collateral Beauty
(2016)
Collateral Beauty - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
I definitely, definitely tend to be in the minority on this one, but I actually really loved this movie. I've kinda lost my interest in Will Smith in recent years, but in this movie he proves that he is still an incredible actor. The movie not only explores what happens to families and individuals after the loss of a child, but also how their reactions affect the people around them, asking the very valid question of whether your friendship with one, and your understanding of his ordeal, is enough to not only allow it to wreck your own life, but also the lives of all others counting on that person. The supporting cast, although not quite comparing to Will Smith, all offer strong performances (with the strange exception of Edward Norton who does seem kind of wooden here), and all play a pivotal role in sending the audience on an emotional journey, which really does talk to you, especially if you've had experience in losing one really close to you. Overall, critics are hating this movie, audiences are hating this movie...but I'm going to keep on defending it, because at the very least, I can say I definitely felt it.
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
This movie pissed me off more than I was expecting, and I'll tell you why: because somewhere in this mess, there was actually the potential for a pretty good final chapter; well it's called 'The Final Chapter', but the fact that it leaves itself open for another sequel kind of makes that point moot, doesn't it? Now obviously this is a Resident Evil sequel, so anybody walking into this, has a pretty good idea of what to expect; what I wasn't expecting were some pretty clever twists and writing, which in parts, actually caught me off guard. So then why did this movie still upset me? Because this was one of the hardest movies I have ever had to watch in my life, seriously, whoever the cinematographer and editor was on this film should be blacklisted and forced to make episodes of Teletubbies, because that's how badly they screwed up. Blair Witch, Cloverfield, Paranormal Activity...all a million times easier to follow than this movie; there are scenes where main characters are killed off (and by main character I mean cannon fodder, with a few lines of dialogue; with the exception of the returning characters, there are no main characters in this movie), where it is shown on screen, and I literally wouldn't have noticed, if another character hadn't pointed it out afterwards. This to me was a pity, because I wanted to enjoy this movie, hell even though I knew that they were bad movies, I still enjoyed the previous five, and I guess I still enjoyed this one too, but I wanted more. I wanted 'The Final Chapter' to actually be the final chapter, and I wanted this franchise to go out with a bang - and this movie just didn't give me that.
Baywatch
(2017)
Baywatch - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
If you are going into this movie with zero expectations (like I did), then you might actually find a few things to like here. The film is mostly a parody of the original series that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, the biggest fail being that they simply don't know when to quit; just like the unfunny shock jokes that go on way too long, they keep hammering in the same jokes that lose steam with every repeat. That all said, the actors all seem to be having a good time and even I cracked a smile at least once, so I really can't say that I left the cinema angry or upset in any way. To enjoy this, switch your brain to zero and go in there expecting exactly what you would expect from Duane Johnson making fun of a 90s series that always took itself way too seriously.
Split
(IX) (2016)
Split - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
Efore I say anything about the actual movie, I want to address something here; there has been a lot, and I mean a lot, of controversy surrounding this film, specifically for its insensitivity towards people suffering from DID, and making one of them into the villain; WTH people, have we become such a nation of victims that EVERYTHING has to offend someone? Newsflash, this isn't new, there have been countless films making villains out of people suffering from mental disorders; Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, arguably one of the best films ever made, covered this exact subject and no-one ostracized it for its insensitivity. We need to seriously start getting past this new trend of getting offended by everything, because we are turning ourselves into a nation of victims.
Okay onto the actual movie. As we all know, M. Night Shyamalan went through bit of a rough patch for many years, but kind of redeemed himself after his 2015 film 'The Visit' got well received by both critics and audiences. 'Split' is the first film that he has released since then, and, in my opinion, is an improvement over even that film. James McAvoy nails the part of the character with 23 completely different personalities, and is actually really fascinating to watch, that not taking anything away from Anya Taylor-Joy, playing the part of one of the three kidnapped girl. Both these main actors bring a certain depth to their characters, which we haven't seen in a Shyamalan film since 'Unbreakable' back in the year 2000. The movie itself wastes absolutely no time before getting to the suspense, and trust me, it is suspenseful as hell, creating a feeling of claustrophobia that I haven't felt since 'The Descent'. Now to be a bit of a Debbie Downer, although the film had me captivated through both the first acts, it did kind of lose me in the final half hour. I knew they were going for this, as it's hinted at constantly throughout the film, but even knowing that it was coming...I was wishing they wouldn't. Before it happens, one of the characters actually speaks the line "There have to be limits" and I personally wish that Shyamalan had listened to his own character. My reason being that even though this film is by no stretch an accurate depiction of people suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder, the first two acts still kept it realistic enough that I could buy into the theories put forth and extend my brain to a place where this could actually be possible, the third act kind of ruined that for me. This being said, it didn't bother me so much that I started disliking the film, or that I'm saying don't go see it, because McAvoy's performance alone is worth the price of an admission's ticket, and, even though I wasn't a fan of the final act, this is still a really good movie and proves that Shyamalan still has it in him to be a really good filmmaker.
The Dark Tower
(2017)
The Dark Tower - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
Even though I had never read the Stephen King series of books that this film was loosely based on and entered the film with just a menial bit of knowledge on what it was about, even I could feel that a lot had been lost here. A Dark Tower film has been in talks ever since I can remember and for the longest time, it seemed like this film was never going to happen...and: maybe that should have been the case. Now, don't get me wrong: I actually enjoyed this movie a lot more than I was planning to; I thought Matthew McConaughey was entertaining as the villain, Idris Elba was engaging as ever and even the kid, although not a particularly good actor, was passable enough to at least not annoy me. Some of the action scenes, especially near the end, were actually exhilarating to watch and the plot moved at a brisk enough pace for it to mostly keep my attention. So then, having for the most part actually enjoyed it, why then do I feel this film should not have been made? Well, you remember when 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy' was adapted to film? It was an okay film, sure, but at the same time, you could feel that they were losing so much trying to cut the story down to fit into the running time of an average film, and the same thing happened here. Now, obviously, book series to film adaptations aren't exactly rare and quite often they can be very successful, so why is this an exception? Simply put: because this film was a gamble and they knew it, 'Harry Potter', 'Lord of the Rings' these books had built in audiences of millions that pretty much guaranteed successful film franchises, with Dark Tower though, that wasn't the case and knowing that wasn't the case, they wanted to at least add elements from all over and conclude the story enough to be able to stand as a standalone for if a sequel never gets made...which does seem to be the likely scenario based on how poorly this film has been received by both critics and audiences. So while many other book series adaptations had breathing room to explore their characters, establish them, establish the world and plot elements, this film tries to do that in one 90 minute film and although not a terrible attempt, it simply isn't satisfying. My closing thought: this should have been adapted as a TV series.
Beauty and the Beast
(I) (2017)
Beauty and the Beast - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
Beauty and the Beast review - (impossible to spoil for anyone who's seen the original), but this is going to be long as hell, because I have a lot to rant about, so be warned.
It's no great secret that the original Beauty and the Beast is my favourite animated film of all time; I kept the VHS and the DVD is displayed promptly above my desk, along with films like Shawshank Redemption and Mystic River, so I'll admit, even if this remake had been good, it probably would have had a hard time winning me over. So I openly admit my bias. However, as I was sitting in the theater, I kept asking myself the question, would I be enjoying this, even if I hadn't seen the original, and my unfortunate answer was simply - no. So, for now, let's look at this film as a standalone, we put the original out of our minds, and we just look at this as if it's the first adaptation. The first, and most obvious problem, Emma Watson can't sing; I can't emphasize that enough, she can't sing. Sure she holds the notes (most the time) but it's all completely safe and phoned in, kind of like watching Idols and seeing one of those dull performances where the judges feedback comes down to something like, "your voice is okay, you have no charisma" and that's not only her singing, that's her whole performance. Belle should have spunk, she should be hard headed but still likable, not fitting into her surrounding, but still accepting of the townsfolk and the simple lives they live - this rendition of Belle is simply Emma Watson playing Emma Watson, and it fails. The only chemistry she has with anyone on screen is Kevin Kline as her father, a character I liked because he completely did his own thing, it's like he never watched the original film, because this is a completely new character and it worked, and he was likable and sympathetic and: ORIGINAL - sorry, I know I said I'm not going to compare immediately to the original, but I have to now - even though Emma Watson is trying to do her own thing, at the same time she is still trying to duplicate the original animated character, but doing it badly, and somehow showing far less emotion than that animated character ever did. And yes, I mentioned emotions, so let's get to one of my biggest gripes with this film, the objects (Cogsworth, Lumiere, Mrs. Potts etc)...you know in Thomas the Tank Engine when the train's mouths don't move and it's really uncomfortable to watch, well picture that, but give them less emotion, and you still won't have a clue how uncomfortable I felt watching these things. Now, don't get me wrong, I get what they were trying to do - the flat faces with the flat eyes, mouths, etc...they're going for a more realistic approach, sacrificing emotion for realism...my question is WHY???? This is freaken Beauty and the Beast, a fairy tale, I think viewers will forgive you if your content doesn't look super realistic, but at least has personality, but no, you decide to base everything on the voice work - and here's the clicker, the voice work isn't all that great either. We have Sir Ian McKellen, a brilliant actor, a voice anyone can identify, and with not even an attempt to change it, it's distracting as hell. Ewan McGregor, the only character who's at least trying to do an Italian accent, but half the time it fails and it's awkward to listen to. I will give some credit to Emma Thompson and Haydn Gwynne, because at least their voices matched the characters and sounded natural, but again, with these deadite looking pieces of furniture - they had nothing to work with. Now I'm going to start making references to the original, and no, in this case - that's not unfair, the songs are the same, the dialogue's the same: this is like Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho if they had told a feminist to do a slight rewrite of the script, keep it basically identical, but just different enough so that it can look like we tried. First a positive: Luke Evans as Gaston - I liked this version of him, no actually I preferred this version of him, while in the original Gaston was just unlikeable from the get go, here they actually tried giving him some character - and it almost worked. That scene in the market, right in the beginning, in the original Gaston approaches Belle and condescends her immediately, it establishes their relationship and we understand why she finds him repulsive, here - he talks to her gently, he attempts a softer approach, even shows interest in what she likes - and I sat there thinking, why is she being so cruel to him, thus far he's done nothing to deserve it. So you think after she rejects him he's going to walk away upset and mad at her, but no, he talks about her to LeFou and he does so in a respective manner, saying really nice things about her - frankly, at this point in the movie, I was on Gaston's side, he was nicer, more respectful - frankly he could do BETTER than Belle. Even his relationship with LeFou is improved, he actually shows an appreciation for his friend and is generally nice to him, unlike the original where he kinda just comes forth as a bully. So about halfway through the movie, the writers abruptly remember that Gaston is supposed to be the bad guy, so they do a complete 180 with the character and simply turn him back into the original, making me wonder if I'm still watching the same movie. This pissed me off almost more than Belle's character because they actually did have something going with this one. Next, the songs, now there are a few new songs in this film...yay...the problem is I don't recall a single one of them, and never will any of them reach sing along Disney status, the other songs, the original songs, they're all still there - not the same quality, because again, Emma Watson can't sing, but at least you could think back to the original and remember how hearing them the first time made you feel. The new songs kind of made me think of James and the Giant Peach, entire songs added to explain things that could literally just be explained in one line of dialogue and it not only felt unnecessary, it felt out of place. Now let's look at the dialogue, this is what happens when you take the original script, you run it through a Thesaurus and you pick the longest possible option for each sentence because that's what they did. News flash to the writers: taking existing dialogue and making it more drawn out does not necessarily make it better, and in this case, it makes it worse. The Beast in the original film, upon his introduction his lines were short but terrifying, he looked like a legitimate threat, this abomination, constantly bickering with Belle and Emma Watson talking to him as if she's making another speech about woman's right, it's painful to sit through. Basically, it was like the writers didn't understand the source material they were working from, little things like the scene where Belle and the Beast are playing in the snow; in the original, that song is sung as an inner monologue, making not only us, but them realize that they are secretly developing feelings for each other, here they belt it out like a scene from 'The Sound of Music', no inner monologue, they just sing it as if the other won't hear them 5 feet away. The moment in the original, after the Beast releases Belle and Cogsworth asks him why, and he answers "because I love her", that line was important, because he was not only admitting it to them, he was finally admitting it to himself...here they give it to Mrs. Potts, even the scene with him giving her the library, I guess I didn't hate the spin they gave it here, but in the original this was his moment where he had completely put himself aside and wanted to show her that he cares about her...here he kinda does it too, but in that nonchalant manner that still kinda makes him look like an arrogant prick. I could literally still rant on for hours about everything I disliked about this film, but I doubt anyone is still reading, so let me just conclude by saying...I hated this damn remake, really really hated it, but: the girl I saw it with loved it, she loved it so much that I actually felt bad ripping into it after, and watching her face light up with excitement at every awful scene was, to me, much more entertaining than the actual movie...so maybe, based on that, I'll say guys: you're going to hate this, girls: you might not...but frankly, see it anyway, I actually want to hear your thoughts. Am I just being petty? I really want to hear your feedback, and actually, I'm hoping you say I'm wrong because this was still a pretty movie: the set work, the art direction, this is Oscar worthy stuff and it's beautiful to look at, so I know they put effort into it and I almost feel bad ripping it apart as badly as I did, so if you find something redeeming here, tell me, I want to hear you out.
It's no great secret that the original Beauty and the Beast is my favourite animated film of all time; I kept the VHS and the DVD is displayed promptly above my desk, along with films like Shawshank Redemption and Mystic River, so I'll admit, even if this remake had been good, it probably would have had a hard time winning me over. So I openly admit my bias. However, as I was sitting in the theater, I kept asking myself the question, would I be enjoying this, even if I hadn't seen the original, and my unfortunate answer was simply - no. So, for now, let's look at this film as a standalone, we put the original out of our minds, and we just look at this as if it's the first adaptation. The first, and most obvious problem, Emma Watson can't sing; I can't emphasize that enough, she can't sing. Sure she holds the notes (most the time) but it's all completely safe and phoned in, kind of like watching Idols and seeing one of those dull performances where the judges feedback comes down to something like, "your voice is okay, you have no charisma" and that's not only her singing, that's her whole performance. Belle should have spunk, she should be hard headed but still likable, not fitting into her surrounding, but still accepting of the townsfolk and the simple lives they live - this rendition of Belle is simply Emma Watson playing Emma Watson, and it fails. The only chemistry she has with anyone on screen is Kevin Kline as her father, a character I liked because he completely did his own thing, it's like he never watched the original film, because this is a completely new character and it worked, and he was likable and sympathetic and: ORIGINAL - sorry, I know I said I'm not going to compare immediately to the original, but I have to now - even though Emma Watson is trying to do her own thing, at the same time she is still trying to duplicate the original animated character, but doing it badly, and somehow showing far less emotion than that animated character ever did. And yes, I mentioned emotions, so let's get to one of my biggest gripes with this film, the objects (Cogsworth, Lumiere, Mrs. Potts etc)...you know in Thomas the Tank Engine when the train's mouths don't move and it's really uncomfortable to watch, well picture that, but give them less emotion, and you still won't have a clue how uncomfortable I felt watching these things. Now, don't get me wrong, I get what they were trying to do - the flat faces with the flat eyes, mouths, etc...they're going for a more realistic approach, sacrificing emotion for realism...my question is WHY???? This is freaken Beauty and the Beast, a fairy tale, I think viewers will forgive you if your content doesn't look super realistic, but at least has personality, but no, you decide to base everything on the voice work - and here's the clicker, the voice work isn't all that great either. We have Sir Ian McKellen, a brilliant actor, a voice anyone can identify, and with not even an attempt to change it, it's distracting as hell. Ewan McGregor, the only character who's at least trying to do an Italian accent, but half the time it fails and it's awkward to listen to. I will give some credit to Emma Thompson and Haydn Gwynne, because at least their voices matched the characters and sounded natural, but again, with these deadite looking pieces of furniture - they had nothing to work with. Now I'm going to start making references to the original, and no, in this case - that's not unfair, the songs are the same, the dialogue's the same: this is like Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho if they had told a feminist to do a slight rewrite of the script, keep it basically identical, but just different enough so that it can look like we tried. First a positive: Luke Evans as Gaston - I liked this version of him, no actually I preferred this version of him, while in the original Gaston was just unlikeable from the get go, here they actually tried giving him some character - and it almost worked. That scene in the market, right in the beginning, in the original Gaston approaches Belle and condescends her immediately, it establishes their relationship and we understand why she finds him repulsive, here - he talks to her gently, he attempts a softer approach, even shows interest in what she likes - and I sat there thinking, why is she being so cruel to him, thus far he's done nothing to deserve it. So you think after she rejects him he's going to walk away upset and mad at her, but no, he talks about her to LeFou and he does so in a respective manner, saying really nice things about her - frankly, at this point in the movie, I was on Gaston's side, he was nicer, more respectful - frankly he could do BETTER than Belle. Even his relationship with LeFou is improved, he actually shows an appreciation for his friend and is generally nice to him, unlike the original where he kinda just comes forth as a bully. So about halfway through the movie, the writers abruptly remember that Gaston is supposed to be the bad guy, so they do a complete 180 with the character and simply turn him back into the original, making me wonder if I'm still watching the same movie. This pissed me off almost more than Belle's character because they actually did have something going with this one. Next, the songs, now there are a few new songs in this film...yay...the problem is I don't recall a single one of them, and never will any of them reach sing along Disney status, the other songs, the original songs, they're all still there - not the same quality, because again, Emma Watson can't sing, but at least you could think back to the original and remember how hearing them the first time made you feel. The new songs kind of made me think of James and the Giant Peach, entire songs added to explain things that could literally just be explained in one line of dialogue and it not only felt unnecessary, it felt out of place. Now let's look at the dialogue, this is what happens when you take the original script, you run it through a Thesaurus and you pick the longest possible option for each sentence because that's what they did. News flash to the writers: taking existing dialogue and making it more drawn out does not necessarily make it better, and in this case, it makes it worse. The Beast in the original film, upon his introduction his lines were short but terrifying, he looked like a legitimate threat, this abomination, constantly bickering with Belle and Emma Watson talking to him as if she's making another speech about woman's right, it's painful to sit through. Basically, it was like the writers didn't understand the source material they were working from, little things like the scene where Belle and the Beast are playing in the snow; in the original, that song is sung as an inner monologue, making not only us, but them realize that they are secretly developing feelings for each other, here they belt it out like a scene from 'The Sound of Music', no inner monologue, they just sing it as if the other won't hear them 5 feet away. The moment in the original, after the Beast releases Belle and Cogsworth asks him why, and he answers "because I love her", that line was important, because he was not only admitting it to them, he was finally admitting it to himself...here they give it to Mrs. Potts, even the scene with him giving her the library, I guess I didn't hate the spin they gave it here, but in the original this was his moment where he had completely put himself aside and wanted to show her that he cares about her...here he kinda does it too, but in that nonchalant manner that still kinda makes him look like an arrogant prick. I could literally still rant on for hours about everything I disliked about this film, but I doubt anyone is still reading, so let me just conclude by saying...I hated this damn remake, really really hated it, but: the girl I saw it with loved it, she loved it so much that I actually felt bad ripping into it after, and watching her face light up with excitement at every awful scene was, to me, much more entertaining than the actual movie...so maybe, based on that, I'll say guys: you're going to hate this, girls: you might not...but frankly, see it anyway, I actually want to hear your thoughts. Am I just being petty? I really want to hear your feedback, and actually, I'm hoping you say I'm wrong because this was still a pretty movie: the set work, the art direction, this is Oscar worthy stuff and it's beautiful to look at, so I know they put effort into it and I almost feel bad ripping it apart as badly as I did, so if you find something redeeming here, tell me, I want to hear you out.
American Assassin
(2017)
American Assassin - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
I actually watched this movie a few days ago, and since then I've really just been trying to think of anything to say about it. We've seen this story a thousand times before, some hotshot, arrogant kid is recruited by the (insert government agency here); a veteran is assigned to train him, the kid proves himself incapable of following command, thereby making himself a liability to everyone around him, yet when the mission comes, they take him along anyway and shenanigans ensue. So let me first talk about the things that I liked, because there are actually things about this movie that work well: firstly, and most importantly, Michael Keaton. I'm ashamed to admit, in the past, I had never taken much notice of Keaton as a actor, I always knew about him, obviously, but the few things I did see him in I just always found to be underwhelming films; it was only after seeing his amazing performance as The Vulture in 'Spider-Man: Homecoming' that I started taking notice of him and, here too, he is by far the best part of this film. His character is brutal, yet likable and every word he says, every facial expression he makes, I was interested in this character. Without him, this movie would have been a complete and utter fail. Taylor Kitsch, another actor I've always liked, also does a fine job as the villain; sure his character is a complete cliche, but it's kinda fun trying to see him do something with it. Another thing I want to mention specifically is the action; the action here is actually really good, it's fast paced, the fighting brutal and surprisingly gory, actually let me talk about that too; we're living in a era where even horror movies are being toned down to avoid R ratings and to leave way for a larger and younger audience, this movie does NOT care about that. We have scenes of people being burnt via blowtorch, closeups of nails being pulled out, feet getting impaled to floors...I've watched all the Italian Cannibal films, and even I will admit, there were a few seconds in this movie that made me cringe, and I actually would have respected this movie a lot for doing that: if they had known where to stop. The gore and blood splatter here gets so over the top at times that it enters 'Kill Bill' territory, but while 'Kill Bill' was intentionally filmed that way as a homage to classic and over-the-top martial arts films, here they kinda just doing it, because they can and in a movie with as little sense of humour as this, it just looks wildly out of place. And that brings me to why this movie doesn't work: lack of logic and consistency, i.e. it's really just a stupid film. Our lead character, portrayed by Dylan O'Brien, is able to track down the world's most wanted criminals in just a couple of months, by himself, with no training, why does the FBI or CIA even exist?? Btw, he is also the worst character in this movie, he's smug, at times annoying, gets tons of people killed and the worst part is, he never has a moment of redemption, he never learns anything from his mistakes. Beyond that though, Dylan O'Brien just isn't that great of an action star, sure some of his fighting scenes are impressive, but I would much rather have cast Taylor Kitsch as the lead here, hell, they even look somewhat alike in this film, so why didn't they? Overall, this movie just doesn't seem to knows what it wants to be, lol it actually turns into a disaster movie in the last 15 minutes. And also, without getting into spoilers, this movie has the absolute worst and just plain dumbest closing scene I have seen in a movie all year, I kinda just sat there with my mouth gaping open, wondering if I had just been Punked. Summing up, I'm not going to say avoid this movie at all costs, because, at the very least, I was never bored by it, but go in there knowing what to expect, a cliched action film, with zero logic, an unlikable lead and a nonsensical plot that just so happens to be kinda fun at times.
Justice League
(2017)
Justice League - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
Man of Steel was awful, Batman v Superman wanted to make me give up watching movies and now I have seen Justice League...this movie wasn't bad, don't get me wrong, there was still a lot wrong with this movie, but at the very least I can say that this is a very entertaining film, not only that, but it did fix most the things that were wrong with the previous installments. The trailers made this movie look as if it was going to follow the Marvel route of action/comedy and it doesn't, this is still a rather dark movie; what they have done though is give sense of humours to the characters, giving them more likeability and making them much easier to route for than before. Ben Affleck, of course, returns as Batman/Bruce Wayne and although I was in the minority who thoroughly disliked his portrayal in the previous film, I actually didn't mind him here. Not only did they give his character a sense of humour, but they also made him a lot more human; in this film, Bruce Wayne knows that he is just a normal person with human limitations; he acknowledges this, bringing a vulnerability to his character and making him a lot more identifiable. Gal Gadot again fits perfectly into the role of Wonder Woman, her action scenes are great and her character is sexy as hell, more than that though, from the get-go she is an intricate part of the team; Black Widow has always been part of The Avengers, but her character has always been interchangeable, eye candy that could basically be killed off at any second without any major repercussions to the plot: that is definitely not the case here. The new characters are of course Barry Allen/The Flash, Arthur Curry/Aquaman and Victor Stone/Cyborg; Barry Allen is the comic relief character in this movie, and for the most part, it works fine; most his lines are jokes, sure, but that's how his character is written and it fits fine, even during the battle scenes, when he does throw a comical one-liner, it never takes you out of the scene, because you can actually believe that that is something that character would say in that situation. Then looking at Aquaman: Jason Mamoa is awesome! This is probably the best role I've ever seen him in, his character is likeable, tough as hell and Jason Mamoa just seems to be having the time of his career; I could maybe have done with a few less "yo bro" or other slang terms that got increasingly more as his character progressed, but that's a nitpick. Then we get to Cyborg...I, unfortunately, did not like Cyborg. Not only is this character a wet blanket, but his character has zero likeability, zero personality and every line he speaks is basically just him explaining the plot, another character I REALLY hated was the villain, Steppenwolf; this character is what kept this movie from being good, everything is wrong with him: the CGI is awful, every line he has is cliched supervillain talk, his motives have nothing new...Ivan Ooze from the 1993 Power Rangers movie: better villain than this guy. Finally getting past the characters and looking at the movie itself though, I will say that even though we spend the majority of the first act being introduced to new characters, this movie was still a lot more focused than the previous installments, and therefore was able to hold my attention for the whole of its two hour running time. The action scenes are brilliantly choreographed, easy to follow and fun to watch; the heart of this movie is the team though; I will go so far as to say, even though this was DC's first official team-up movie, there is already a stronger feeling of unity between the team than Marvel has been able to create since starting the MCU; every character has his place, every character has a purpose and what's more is they work together as a team, there are no power struggles, sure there are inner conflicts, but never do they let that cloud their judgement from what their joint goal is...these are superheroes actng the way superheroes should act, putting the needs of the many before their own. Final thoughts, as I said in the beginning, there are still problems with this film, the villain was a huge letdown, some of the CGI is really bad, some line delivery is rather cringe-worthy...but even with that taken into account, I still fully recommend you see this movie, because I get a feeling that there are actually great things yet to come from the DCU after all...watch your back, Marvel.
Wish Upon
(2017)
Wish Upon - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
So-so horror film is enjoyable enough if you go in not expecting anything groundbreaking. Generally, the acting is as good as one can expect from this kind of film and the tone can become rather intense at times (in a bad horror movie kind of way). The plot is kinda thin and predictable though, and you likely will catch yourself compiling a list of about a 1000 ways how the main character could be overcoming everything that's happening to her. Overall, not a bad film to watch if you're feeling nostalgic for an 80s type horror film, although if that's what you feel like doing: maybe just rather watch an 80s horror film.
Cult of Chucky
(2017)
Cult of Chucky - Spoiler Free Review
14 September 2018
The Child's Play series of films have always been kinda hit and miss, with more films being misses than hits, unfortunate to say. 2013's 'Curse of Chucky' though, completely turned that around; not only was this the best sequel in the series, but one might even argue that it was an improvement on the 1988 original. The film had completely gone back to its routes, putting the focus on atmosphere, giving us time to get to know the characters, the comedy had been toned down; this movie was horror the way its meant to be. Therefore when I heard they were making another one and that it was going to be a direct continuation of the previous film, you better believe me when I say, I was excited as hell, I couldn't wait for this...and then I saw the film. What the hell people?!!! You shifted the series back in the original direction, made a Child's Play sequel that actually got overall favourable reviews and then, instead of sticking to that formula, you basically go and make another 'Bride of Chucky'. I actually can't put into words how badly they messed up this movie...okay, yes I can. This movie feels like watching a piece of fan fiction, it's like one of those comic books they release when they want to bring together characters from a bunch of different sequels, but there's no logical way to do it; oh and that happens here, believe me, that happens here: we have Andy Barclay returning from the original Child's Play series, Tiffany returning from the Bride/Seed of Chucky films and Nica from the previous film, and how do they all fit together? About as well as ketchup on ice cream, sure the plots all mix eventually, but there simply is no reason bringing all these characters back, other than for the sake of bringing all these characters back. Tone of the movie? It's a comedy again...don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's funny, but it sure as hell thinks it is. And then there's the editing...a mainstream horror movie that actually makes use of split screens and on occasion even those transitions that any first-year film student would feel too embarrassed to use. I guess if I have to say one positive thing about this, and I know I just complained about it, but it was kinda fun having Andy back (and kudos to them for actually using original actor, Alex Vincent, whom we haven't seen in this franchise since Child's Play 2, 27 years ago - yes I am aware of his cameo at the end of 'Curse', but I'm not counting one minute of screen time); overall his character was the only one I was at least kind of invested in and his subplot was waaay more interesting than what was actually happening in the main arc of this movie. Still, that isn't nearly enough for me to even vaguely recommend this, so unless they can turn things around with Child's Play 8, and trust me, this ending completely sets it up for another entry, skip this film, end the series with 'Curse of Chucky' and you can forever delude yourself that this franchise went out on a high note.
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