Sooo80s Reviews

House of Darkness (2022)

3 stars for eventual gore

[3/10 · 30 January 2023]

What begins as a compelling 15 minute story, gets drug out by VERY dull platitudes and pointless dialogue for 90mins, before ending in glorious fashion... about 75 minutes late. That's it. That's the whole movie. This is a complete waste of talent by the leading actors as well. Justin Long plays the clueless dummy pretty well, but making Kate Bosworth play a wooden seductress for as long as she did should be a crime.

For someone to enjoy this movie, you would need to be partially asleep. You could fall asleep 10 minutes in, and wake up with 10 minutes left in the movie, and have literally missed nothing. This one hurt. A PROFOUND waste of celluloid.

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)

Hot smelly garbage

[5/10 · 24 December 2022]

I was extremely excited to see a more faithful version to the gameplay of the series in this movie. However, that excitement was immediately sucked out when the characters opened their mouths. If it were entirely sound effects and yelling, it would be better than this. Let me just say, I cuss... some say too much. I view it as the salt and pepper of language. When used strategically, it's an art form. When used the way in this movie, you're praying for the town to be nuked as soon as possible. The screenwriter obviously doesn't think much of his audience, or the English language for that matter, by the shear amount of nonsensical swearing in this beautiful movie. And while beautiful to look at, the dialogue immediately sinks any and all hope of being tolerable. You'd swear a 5th grade boy who learned new cuss words over the weekend wrote it. Watch on mute or prepare to be annoyed.

360 (2011)

Love Actually with guns

[5/10 · 3 November 2022]

So if you've seen Love Actually, the biggest difference you're going to find in this movie is that the "will they or won't they get together" is replaced with "will he or won't he rape and kill her" on occasion. Sure he might also fall for her, but you'll have to see where it goes first. Then you also may think Anthony Hopkins is a killer or maybe not because you never know with his characters either. All of this is relatively anti-climactic in just about every situation, leaving you ultimately wondering why you spent any time caring whether any of these characters lived, loved or killed each other at all. I guess we'll have to leave that for the sequel.

They/Them (2022)

90% teen drama, 10% horror

[3/10 · 28 September 2022]

My biggest problem with this movie is with how it was sold to me: A horror flick based at a Christian conversion camp. There was a couple of plot "twists" that weren't really twists, mainly because one of them made zero sense at all, and the other was completely predictable. I'm sure most reviewers will complain it was too progressive, but that didn't really bother me once I accepted what it wasn't: a horror movie. Once I got past that, then it was easy to be annoyed with what I was tricked by the trailer into watching: A crappy teen drama that was SUPER heavy-handed in character development and very little else. If I didn't know any better, I'd guess this was a pilot for a new teen drama about LGBTQ kids united by trauma at a Christian conversion camp on Peacock. They wouldn't even have to change the title.

Survival Island (2002)

Hilariously bad

[5/10 · 5 June 2022]

You don't watch a movie like this because your looking for a taut, gripping thriller. You watch this because you wanna be mildly entertained and laugh at it. Surprisingly, it takes itself pretty seriously despite its content. It's also a pretty earnest effort, which makes it all the more pathetic. Definitely a good laugh.

Top Secret UFO Projects: Declassified (2021– )

Hoping for somewhat critical analysis...

[3/10 · 20 February 2022]

...but no.

As someone who feels very confident in the life outside this planet, I'm usually at the very least curious as to what "documentaries" like this have to say. Then, I started watching it...

First of all, the narrator takes a lot of MASSIVE leaps and assumptions constantly throughout this. Example: Nuclear tests and alien sightings coincide, therefore aliens are warning that nuclear war is bad for us and them as well. No really, that was in the first episode. Add in some truly unimpressive and laughable animation, and some in-person interviews with interviewees in their cleanest, wrinkled undershirts, and you start to get an idea of the professionalism and credibility of the point of view they're driving home that every instance of every encounter with an unidentified object is real and explainable as "most likely extraterrestrial intelligence", which is beyond stupid. Conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory... just an unbelievable amount of tired willingness to believe anything as long as it's aliens.

Hard Broads (2015)

Very fun short

[10/10 · 31 January 2022]

3 women decide to play "Weekend At Bernie's" with a famous person who died. Needless to say, it doesn't quite go as planned.

I can only hope a full length version happens one day.

Trauma Center (2019)

Bruce Willis refuses to act in a movie

[1/10 · 17 January 2022]

A bunch of people trying to act and Bruce Willis not trying to act at all. He literally yells every line for the first 15mins. It's embarrassing, riddled with cliches and completely predictable.

Superhost (2021)

Zzzzzz

[3/10 · 31 October 2021]

All the terror and thrills of stumbling around a dark room at night. If it wasn't for the soundtrack, I wouldn't have known I was supposed to be scared or whatever SMH.

30 Miles from Nowhere (2018)

The Worst Characters Imaginable

[2/10 · 9 October 2021]

I know the idea of writing characters that you don't like and want to die is pretty common in horror, but holy crap. They went for the annoying factor so hard that you'll wish the house they're in blows up after the first 30mins. If for some reason you decide to stick around for another hour of their whining and moaning, you'll be in for the dumbest, nonsensical plot twist you can imagine. And nope, you'll never get that time back.

Here Comes Hell (2019)

Beautifully gory and perfectly campy

[9/10 · 4 October 2021]

An homage to Sam Raimi and classic cinema rolled into one. The acting was superb, the gore was fantastic and the whole tone of the movie felt compelling at every stage. Here's hoping that more people give this the attention it deserves.

Black Roses (1988)

Troma's best movie

[6/10 · 15 September 2021]

...but that's not saying very much. It was going pretty good until they let their 10yr old little brother write the ending. I mean, you beat the main demon by kicking him in his rubber groin and throwing a flare at his feet? I guess they used their whole special effects budget up on that crappy rubber suit.

The Shed (I) (2019)

Surprisingly good

[8/10 · 14 May 2021]

I didn't really know what to expect from this because I'm usually skeptical about vampire movies in general, and modern horror, but I was pleasantly surprised. Incredibly well-acted all around, great mood-setting, great story, and a satisfying payoff at the end of the film. I'll definitely be following the careers of the actors and director going forward.

The Furies (2019)

Unexpectedly excellent

[9/10 · 6 April 2020]

When it comes to modern horror, I tend to flock to the independent side of things, and this film demonstrates why. Simply put, it was an imaginative, well-executed film with plenty of gore that kept you guessing throughout. Recommended if you enjoyed Cabin In The Woods or The Descent

The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017)

A very simple concept, played out brilliantly

[9/10 · 13 December 2019]

To those of you whose attention-spans need action to keep your interest, look elsewhere. This is a slow-burner, that was far better than it looked from the beginning. At first, I thought by the tag lines that this was going to be a kid blackmailing a family somehow in order to get revenge on the surgeon (Colin Farrell) who operated on his father during his death... which is more or less what happened, but not not as mindless as your normal action movie would have done it. Out For Justice this is not.

Things get strange quickly, and you don't get the full scope of what he's doing until the middle of the movie. It was actually pretty confounding, and it turned into something I couldn't have predicted. It takes the cast through a broad range of emotions, and by the end, I was pleasantly surprised at how they resolved it all.

An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)

You've GOT to be kidding me

[3/10 · 11 March 2019]

If you're looking for horror, look elsewhere. If you looking for a coming of age story, Smash Mouth and Bush songs, with occasional gore written by, I assume, frat boys, you've found your movie. Think more Can't Hardly Wait, and less American Werewolf In London. 3 stars for casting the lovely and talented Julie Delphy who, I hope, only did this for a paycheck.