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The Adventures of Kid Danger (2018)
A Black Hole of Enjoyment, Creativity, or Humor
Henry Danger (as a live-action series) was already a pretty pitiful attempt at superhero comedy, from the long-since faded star of Dan Schneider with the single most redundant animated spin-off ever created. "He made Drake & Josh, he made iCarly" iCARLY ENDED 8 YEARS AGO!!!! Ever since, Schneider has been on a crusade of career suicide for most of the 2010's to effectively purge any kind of enjoyment his work EVER had and coasting off his successes from over a decade ago that the target audience would only know of through reruns on Teen Nick.
Pretending for a second you could LIKE Henry Danger, there's literally nothing that separates this from the original, aside from cheaper-than-oxygen animation, stiff movements that make the animation puppets move like they're giant cardboard boxes, and flat, uninspired character designs. In a world still recovering from the aftermath of the Powerpuff Girls reboot, the DC Cinematic Universe dumpster fires like Suicide Squad and Batman v. Superman, there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that should keep you from watching the original Henry Danger series; yeah it's awful, yeah the laugh track is obnoxious and blares over the show so much to the point it doubles as background music, yeah the characters are horrible, insufferable morons, cartoonishly insane (not even in the fun way, but in a "How are you even allowed in polite society?!" way) or some mutant crossbreed of all three, but this is just the equivalent of a Dollar Store knock-off of an already awful, embarrassing D-Grade superhero movie. Thank whatever heavenly being/s of choice that the Schneider Era is well and truly dead and it's only a matter of time until this series finally FINALLY kicks the bucket.Good riddance.
8MM (1999)
I'd Really Like to Know What Movie Everyone ELSE Saw!!!!
8mm is a tense, pitch-Black thriller that we could use so much more of. The movie is intense, it's horrific, and it's easily one of the best movies I've seen this past year. Yet, when I see the score for this movie (and that HORRIFYING 19 from Metacritic), I'm really left asking: what movie did YOU see??? It's sleazy and dark, but it's supposed to be and that's what makes it so fascinating. I kinda wish we'd get more films like this today: excellent directing, fantastic performances, great cinematography, and a 2 hour runtime that doesn't waste a second of screen time. I've given this one a glowing recommendation, but I guess I maybe just saw the wrong movie. Or maybe this is the same 8mm everyone else saw and I'm just crazy or stupid or both; I wouldn't put it past myself if it's both.
The Raven (2006)
Can Someone PLEASE Tell Me WTF This is?!?!
I rented this movie years ago, and I HATED IT!!!! It feels like a shitty student film (a MIDDLE SCHOOL student) that accidentally got left on the store shelves. I can't find a single person who could try to justify this THING but I'm sure that somebody has to receive serious penance for this. Don't waste your time or money on this like I did.
The Emoji Movie (2017)
Surprise: The Movie everyone hated is HATED BY EVERYONE
I honestly can't say that I'm surprised AT ALL by the reactions of this movie, because this was met with almost universal disdain from the pitch alone. This is almost like a parody movie that you'd find in a Family Guy cutaway or something, not an actual product that should exist on this planet. Hey, have you seen Inside Out and/or Wreck-it Ralph? Good, you got yourself a double feature that you can watch instead of paying money to go see $50 MILLION get set on fire and watch it burn to ashes for 85 minutes. This movie has only one of very, very few redeeming traits, and it is this: ANYONE can get their movie in theaters, regardless of talent, quality, or entertainment value for ages 2 and under; if you throw enough money at it, you too can play the same weekend as Atomic Blonde with the smug attitude of "Yes, people (with common sense) will see this."
Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005)
The Rock: It's Your Decision of Internet Porn!
I can't even believe that a movie made in 2005 can feel so much like it came from 1999. The paranoia and utter Reefer Madness levels of insanity and incompetence are utterly baffling on too many ways to count. Cyber Seduction is a movie that FEELS like childless postmenopausal women who don't own a computer wrote it, and the pathetic attempts at "acting" ranges from desperate to just cringe- worthy...and this was before Lifetime started making cyberbullying movies and showing they don't even know what anyone under the age of 32 actually says or does. Like Rock: It's Your Decision, the film paints a total non-issue as THE WORST POSSIBLE THING A HUMAN BEING CAN POSSIBLY DO; he's, like, 15 and everyone treats him like a rapist for just looking at what amounts to soft-core porn. I'd say this is the perfect cannon-fodder for a Bad Movie Night but it takes itself too seriously for anyone to even try to make fun of it. If you actually have a brain, then I shouldn't have to tell you to stay away from this. I trust that you'll naturally have the necessary survival instincts not to even acknowledge this trite.