Krackoon Reviews

The Shallows (2016)

Blake Carries The Film?

[4/10 · 5 July 2016]

That's like saying Ryan Reynolds carried 'Buried.'

When I saw the trailer, I had high expectations - and for the most part, 'The Shallows' delivered. A solid, but overrated performance by Blake Lively, and a nice slow pace. However, the entire film blows up during the final showdown. I kept reading about the whole buoy scene, and thought to myself - well, how bad can it be? Turns out, it's some of the worst collection of scenes in the last five years. It ranks up/down there with the 'Fast & Furious' tunnel scene.

Horror fans are so desperate for a decent film, it's no wonder they label this as the 'Jaws for this generation.' Yeah. It's not even close to 'Jaws' in ANY generation. 'Jaws' had superior acting to the extent of third man Robert Shaw's performance blowing any performance you'll see in 'The Shallows' out of the water - pun intended. And 'Bruce The Shark' is still one of the most frightening monsters in the genres history - where the CGI loaded nonsense we get in 'The Shallows' is borderline amateur, and reaches the point of hilarity.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: I'm not going to compare the great 'Jaws' to a film that's not even as good as 'The Reef' or 'Open Water.' I enjoyed both of those films, by the way.

Sickhouse (2016)

17 Years Later...

[2/10 · 28 June 2016]

It's been 17 years since 'The Blair Witch Project,' which I still happen to love - and I've endured countless rip offs...

Enough is enough.

'Sickhouse' takes the same exact plot, throws in a snap chat gimmick, hoping we'll see even an ounce of originality... of which it has none. The only positive thing about the entire snap chat gimmick, is it disguises the low quality acting... of which it has plenty. Now, the beginning of the film, the acting is tolerable, but as the film progresses, and closes in on one of the worst finales you're ever going to see, the acting becomes unbearable.

I understand the need to promote the film, if you're an up and coming actor trying to make a name for yourself, like Laine Neil - but 'Sickhouse' is nothing more than a terrible rip off of a far superior film. She's an attractive actress, and for most horror fans, this will be enough to carry her into her next five roles... which will also be garbage.

Random Ramblings Of A Madman: As for the final scene: I'd like to nominate Laine Neil's ''I'm Finally Home'' as one of the worst scenes of the last 15 years. It's an embarrassment.

Bleed (I) (2016)

Hey, Riley Smith...

[2/10 · 30 March 2016]

You're terrible.

So, now that's out of the way, I can move on to the actual film. 'Bleed' doesn't know what it wants to be. It's a cross between 'The Drownsmen' and 'House of The Devil,' IF 'House of The Devil' were completely terrible, which it's not. My apologies to every person involved in 'House of The Devil' for comparing that fine film to this garbage. The acting is tolerable, other than Riley Smith, whose overacting is both laughable and shameful. So, the first part of the film is your basic, search a haunted area, see a badly made CGI ghost of Charles Manson, and run for your life... Well, other than Riley Smith's character, who somehow manages to find enough time to attempt a sex scene in mid-fright. Probably the dumbest scene in the entire film.

The second part/plot line is your typical cult film, which comes with the ever so fascinating (steal the baby) birth scene. Needless to say, it's not any more frightening or entertaining.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: 'Bleed' is a straight to DVD caliber horror film, that'll you'll regret seeing even before the credits start to roll... and a horror film that you won't remember months later. What I do with films like these, is I write myself memos, as reminders that I've seen the film before, and that I'd have more fun tearing my fingernails off with a set of rusty pliers. So, that pretty much sums up the film. I'm about to hit 'submit' now, and watch the down votes flow in. I just hope one of them is from Riley Smith. It's basically an autograph, but better, since I won't have to see his face to get it.

They're Watching (2016)

They're... doing nothing.

[2/10 · 26 March 2016]

So, like most 'found footage' style films, you're in for about 80 minutes of bad character development, dialogue, and mediocre acting, before the 15 minute finale, which by then, you won't care about, anyway.

While the director focuses on character development for the first 80 minutes, he still can't manage to produce a single likable, or interesting character. Fortunately, most cult style horror films tend to go for the ever so ''shocking'' conclusion of... killing every character off. So, you have that going for you... maybe.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: So, yeah, the film is slow, full of bad dialogue, and dull characters. Enjoy!

Zoombies (2016)

Nice CGI.

[1/10 · 14 March 2016]

My tolerance level for bad horror, at one point, was extremely high. However, the last few years, it's gone to borderline nonexistent. Did 'Zoombies' help the case?

Well, no - actually, 'Zoombies' is so terrible, that I skipped through half the film. That's right, folks, I'm writing a review after skipping through half the film. Do you know what? I'm not ashamed of myself either. Because these people find it hilarious to put out films so unbearably awful. I wouldn't doubt if one of the actors is reading this review right now, just laughing at me. Do you know why they're laughing at me? Because I tried watching a film called 'Zoombies.' Go ahead and laugh. It's fine. Do you know why it's fine? Because I may have suffered through 45 minutes of bad CGI, crappy acting, and bad writing, but YOU will have to suffer through an entire lifetime of getting garbage roles.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: 'Zoombies' is bad. It's not bad because I ''didn't understand it,'' as one of the fake reviewers will have you believe. It's bad, because the people responsible do not care about making good material. They care about getting their $50 paychecks, and mocking those of us who want to see good films. So, you can take 'Zoombies' and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Seriously, IMDb, you need to lower your restrictions when it comes to films and people like these. They deserve more expressive vocabulary, if you know what I mean.

Follow me on Twitter @Krackoon, so I can tell you how I really feel.

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)

Safe As Possible J.J. Abrams.

[6/10 · 23 December 2015]

We all knew going into the new Star Wars film that J.J. Abrams feared ruining the original story about as much as 'The New Order' feared 'The Resistance' locating Luke Skywalker before they do - so, what's the best way to come out looking like the lone hero? By being J..J Abrams, that's how. The play-it-by-the-book guy he's always been. A guy capable of making a good film, but, so far, not having the guts to do what has to be done to make that great film most directors dream about.

So, does 'Star Wars' live up to expectations? If you're a fan of the original trilogy, you're going to have fun here. It's practically a reboot - with weaker characters, better special effects, and less than stellar acting. So, I'll post three of the weaker moments in the film.

1. Han Solos Death - You take a classic character, maybe the best character in the film's franchise, and give him the most anti-climatic death imaginable. There was more emotion from Ben Solo (Kylo Ren,) the guy responsible for killing him, than from anyone else in the film. If I were a betting man, I'd put my money on the audience being more broken up about the death, than any character in the film (Chewie was ready to roll just minutes after the fact.) Who can blame him, right? I mean she is slightly prettier than Harrison Ford.

2. Kylo Ren - You're going to stretch this guy on for how many more films? The entire plot is based around both sides finding Luke Skywalker.. 'The New Order' fears that IF 'The Resistance' locates Skywalker first, it'll put an end to their evil plan... So, fast forward a bit - well, to the end of the film, I guess.. Shortly after Kylo Ren gets destroyed by our supposedly untrained female Jedi, we hear the words - 'It's time to put Kylo Ren through his final training.' So, your biggest fear is Luke Skywalker, yet you send out a villain who hasn't even completed his final training? Unless his final training includes Rocky Balboa and Master Yoda, I don't see how the disappointment in Kylo Ren's character can be redeemed. The mystery is gone, the hype is dead. And, no, Adam Driver, your hand gestures won't work on me either.

3. 'The Emperor' - Uh, I mean ''Supreme Leader'' looks as if he were ripped from a 'Harry Potter' book. Nice job there, guys. Probably a bigger disappointment than Kylo Ren.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: ''Star Wars: The Force Awakens'' is a good film. It's a safe film. J.J. Abrams can rest at night knowing he was never in any danger of ruining the franchise. Some of you think it's the best film ever made.. The rest of us have to find a reason to bother watching the upcoming story, because Luke Skywalker training his daughter is about as lame, and J.J. Abrams-esque as a film can get. A showdown between Luke Skywalker and Kylo Ren lost most of it's flare, but I can see it coming from a mile away - as Luke lies on the ground taking his last breath, calling for Rey - 'Rey, I am your FATHER.' Rey crying, now trained to defeat Kylo Ren, whom she already destroyed in the first film, ready to get revenge for her father in the 3rd film.. and us just eating that predictable, rehashed garbage like it's Thanksgiving Dinner... I just hope Kylo Ren and Captain Phasma had enough time to have a few children, so the series can continue through 2025.

The American Werewolf Project (2014)

Hey, Sound Guy!?

[1/10 · 16 December 2015]

'An American Werewolf Project' is your typical found footage horror film based around a group of researchers looking for XXXX urban legend.

What really sets this film apart from the others, is the horrible sound quality. It's probably the worst sound I've experienced in the last few years. Increasing the volume didn't seem to fix matters either - it actually made things worse. The acting is borderline amateur, but like I said, you'll be so busy trying to hear the dialogue, you won't really notice. Okay, you will, but it won't be your first complaint.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: 'An American Werewolf Project' does have an extremely short run time, which is never a bad thing when it comes to awful films, but it's still a headache inducing experience. There isn't a single person involved here, that should see any future work in the film industry.

The Pack (2015)

Not as Frightening as a pack of Krackoons, but...

[4/10 · 25 October 2015]

'The Pack' doesn't have the eye candy 'The Breed' has, nor does it have the same star power as 'The Grey,' but it's an enjoyable, slightly tedious wild animal flick.

While it doesn't have the eye candy 'The Breed' has, it's also not nearly as ridiculous, or laughably ignorant either. Unfortunately, it's not going to get the audience that film had, because sex sells - even Taryn Manning. Yuck! The acting (The Pack) is tolerable. The main couple do a fine job, but they lose points for adding the typical, annoying, ignorant teenage daughter, who you hope gets taken out early - but you know she'll be around until the end. Seriously, would the film have been any worse if the married couple had one child? Of course not. Maybe they went for realism? Because, honestly, how many couples are smart enough to stop at one child, right?

'The Pack' isn't on the same level as 'The Grey,' and it doesn't do the horror genre the same justice as 'Cujo,' so I can't see many hardcore horror fans being too impressed. There's only so many ways this film can go, and it ends up dragging on, even at 84 minutes. The dogs even looked bored around the 60 minute mark. But if you need something to watch, and you have to choose between 'Lumberjack Man,' 'The Gallows,' or 'The Pack,' do yourself a favor and choose the latter.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: Wild dogs can be frightening, and these dogs do a fine job, but at the end it's just a pack of wild dogs. Now, if it had been a pack of wild Krackoons - the daughter would have been the first to go.

Old 37 (2015)

Don't Worry I'm A... Krackoon.

[1/10 · 24 October 2015]

What's a good way for a director like Alan Smithee to get people to watch his horror film?

Releasing it right before Halloween is one way - and casting Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley as serial killing brothers, is another. I've never met Kane Hodder, but I'm willing to bet he's probably the nicest guy on the planet, because for some reason directors want to work with him. This is a guy who is best known for walking around with a hockey mask, with absolutely no dialogue. The reason for that is quite simple - he's the most wooden actor I've ever seen. He has no screen presence/charisma, no sense of timing when it comes to line delivery. He just snarls and bullies his way through every single role, without a care in the world. He does a pretty mean chicken dance, though.

'Old 37' is dull slasher film about two serial killers (Hodder/Moseley) posing as paramedics (Uh, I think it's about a boob job, too.) If you think this is a pure horror film, you're wrong. It's more teen drama than horror. It takes entirely way too long to get to the killings/torture. The character development is something you'd see from 'I Still, Still, Still Know What You Did Last Summer.' There's absolutely no reason to add any type of character development to this film, because the characters are dull, bland rip-offs of previous 'teen' slashers. You will be pleased to know, or at least you should be, that Brandi Cyrus doesn't manage to last 20 minutes into the film. If you're like me, you probably feared she'd somehow land the main role as the helpless victim. You won't be pleased to know, that if she hadn't been killed off, she would have ended up being the best actor/actress in the film - and that's not meant as a compliment.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: 'Old 37' is mind numbingly awful, filled with bland characters, awful acting, and the worst drivers ever put on film.

Bastard (I) (2015)

After Dark Films...

[2/10 · 23 October 2015]

'After Dark Films' is known to be a breeding ground for really bad films - and the 2015 collection doesn't help their case whatsoever.

'Bastard' is about a group of really... interesting people being stalked by, well, the least screwed up individual in the film - two newlywed serial killers, two socially awkward runaways, one suicidal/cross dressing/homosexual cop. If you can get by the worst collection of characters in any film so far this year, you'll probably struggle to get through some of their performances. Ellis Greer, who plays the female serial killer, is probably the worst actor/actress in the bunch. She's a snarling, nasty, foul beast - and that's her most tolerable moments in the film. Dan Creed hams it up, as her better half, but he's simply not there yet, as an actor. The newlywed killers should have been the stand outs in this film, because who wouldn't want to see a showdown between three psychopaths? It simply wouldn't have worked with this cast, though.

As the film rolls on, you start to sympathize with the masked mad man, because he has to put the effort into trying to rid his town of these horrible characters. You also start to consider that maybe one of these people will end up sporting the mask - a twist that you'll hope doesn't exist, because he/she will have to pull off the whole revealing climax scene, that no actor in the film is capable of doing. You won't have long to wait before all is revealed, and your fear turns into reality. Actually, the reveal is about midway, giving you an early out, if you wish to do so - and you probably will. I'm ashamed to say, I made it through the entire film.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: When I first heard about 'Bastard,' I was hopeful for a solid slasher film, but when I saw the words 'After Dark,' hope turned to despair. It's a complete mess, and should not have been released.

Unnatural (2015)

2015 - The Year of The Bear!

[2/10 · 22 October 2015]

Hank Braxtan brings us our third killer bear film of 2015.

'Into The Grizzly Maze,' didn't live up to expectations, with it's major cast, and horrible editing, more fit for television than big screen. 'Backcountry,' on the other hand, exceeded expectations, as more of a survival flick, with one gruesome kill scene.

So, how does 'Unnatural' hold up?

Creature features really depend on the type of director/writer involved. Are they less is more kind of guys, or do they believe in going all out? Believe it or not, bears are rather frightening and dangerous without being genetically modified (Backcountry.) Personally, I would have preferred your normal, ornery, territorial polar bear, but Hank Braxtan wasn't having any of that. He decided to overcompensate for something... So, what could have been a solid experience, ended up being 'Into The Grizzly Maze' set in Alaska. 'Unnatural' just throws in an unnecessary back story about genetics, that no one will care about. We just want to see the bear rip through those typical, annoying characters - played by your typical bad actors/actresses.

Oh yes, the cast - Somehow, James Remar continues to get work - and he's as wooden as ever here. Seriously, though, this guy supplies more wood than your local paper mill. Graham Greene pops up for about 3 minutes of screen time (It's nice to see he's still alive.) Sherilyn Fenn may or may not be involved here. I couldn't really tell - She used to be attractive.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: If you're going to spend 95% of the film avoiding actual shots of your enormous, genetically modified bear, why not just, you know, use a regular sized Polar bear? I hear those things pack a mean bite. 'Unnatural,' however, does not.

Lumberjack Man (2015)

You Don't Know Horror Films...

[1/10 · 21 October 2015]

Instead of taking the usual stalk and slash formula, Josh Bear decided to take the black comedy route in another 'After Dark' ''classic.'' You won't get many laughs, if any at all, or anything that resembles a decent horror film, but you will get a decent supply of nudity, bad acting, and random dialogue, that doesn't seem to fit, well, anywhere.

Unlike Jason Voorhees, 'Lumberjack Man's' main purpose for slicing and dicing innocent, young, terrible actors/actresses, is that he lacks the right type of topping for his Paul Bunyan sized flap jacks (and yes, he carries them around while he's doing his nasty deeds.) I can honestly tell you, that there isn't a single funny moment in the film, much less frightening. It'll just leave you with a dumbfounding look on your face, wondering how this garbage found a distributor.

Michael Madsen has always been one dimensional, but that one role that he's capable of playing, landed him in a few good films throughout the years. Now, it seems that he either has a few bad habits, or 20 kids to support, because he's just trying to soak in as many paychecks that he can. However, for a director like Josh Bear, Michael Madsen still probably holds enough weight with some of us, to get 'Lumberjack Man' at least some recognition.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: There's nothing much to say about 'Lumberjack Man.' It's not supposed to be serious, or good. So, I guess Josh Bear got the last laugh, after all.

Howl (I) (2015)

Solid Effort...

[4/10 · 20 October 2015]

'Howl' isn't nearly as good as the fake reviewers claim, and not close to being as awful as the people who complain about the fake reviewers, will have you believe.

'Howl' is a solid Werewolf flick, with the right pace to build up the tension needed for this type of stalk and slash film. You're going to read reviews of people saying that it's too slow, too boring - but these are probably the same people who praise 'American Werewolf in London.' Because, well, that film wasn't slow at all, right? Werewolf flicks are limited to begin with, and most of them follow the same formula. Whether it's 'Dog Soldiers,' or 'Silver Bullet,' you're going to have to deal with some character development before you get to the 'good stuff.' And the 'good stuff' usually includes inconsistent acting, bad special effects/make-up.

What you have with 'Howl' is a group of strangers trapped on a train, which has broken down in the middle of nowhere - the rest is your typical stalk and slash formula. However, the humor side of 'Howl' does indeed fall flat. So flat, that it flew right over my head, because I can't recall a single funny moment. The main problem I have with this type of film - is it relies too heavily on your cast, and the characters they portray. Take 'Dog Soldiers' as an example - we can excuse the average make-up, and slow pacing, because the characters in the film are worth sticking around for. 'Howl' doesn't really have any character worth rooting for, or caring about. You almost want the creature to get it over with, so these people can be put out of their misery. That's a failure on the film makers part. It holds the film back.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: If you read the plot, and you expect anything other than a group of terrible people being stalked/killed on a broken down train, well, you might want work on your comprehension skills, because they're a lot worse than 'Howl.'

Tales of Halloween (2015)

Enjoyable Horror With Replay Value.

[7/10 · 19 October 2015]

''Tales of Halloween'' isn't just another horror anthology - what's the difference? It's as good as advertised.

Most anthology films, even the bad ones, do manage to throw out a couple decent short films, but 'Tales of Halloween' is consistently good from start to finish. The length of each film is perfect, not too long, not too short. Something most anthology films can't seem to get right, either. You get ten entertaining/scary/funny short films within a 90 minute period. There isn't really a bad story in the bunch (although Tiffany Shepis can ruin a film of any length, without really trying.) But I've come to the conclusion that she's at least tolerable, in person and on screen for about five minutes. She's an aging, low budget scream queen, who continues to believe that her big break is coming.

Which brings me to the acting. The acting isn't nearly as consistent - you get your good, bad, and ugly (Tiffany Shepis.) Most of these actors/actresses are recycled from bad horror films throughout the years, but they look like they're having fun, and giving it their best Halloween effort. That's really all you can ask. It'll probably be years before we get another anthology film as good as 'Tales of Halloween,' so find it, and enjoy it.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: I won't spoil anything by breaking down any of the short films, but let me just say - "The Ransom Of Rusty Rex" provides more laughs than most comedies. Loved it. Not every short is perfect, by any means, and I probably could have done without two of them - but even those manage to be somewhat entertaining.

RIP, Ben Woolf/Rusty Rex.

The Diabolical (2015)

Jon Bone Jovi.

[2/10 · 18 October 2015]

I don't know about the rest of you, but Ali Larter - where has she been lately? Okay, so, that's a question I never find myself asking, and probably never will.

'Jon Bone Jovi,' though, quite the scene stealer with his 10 seconds of screen time in the latest horror stinker 'The Diabolical.' He doesn't nearly have the impact as 'Fred' from 'I Am Legend,' but when you have a cast this weak, you have to take what you can get. Ali Larter is worthless, as usual, as the prototypical haunted mother, who roams around aimlessly as the films run time slowly ticks away. She never seems bright enough to find any type of solution, or maybe that's just Ali Larter doing what she does best. I wasn't able to find anything that resembles a consistent plot, so, we don't have that to fall back on. It's a film that begins abruptly, and by the time it does try putting itself together, no one will care. There's many haunted house films out there, so feel free to pass this one by.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: 'The Diabolical' is a senseless, plot less disaster. Why bring Ali Larter into something like this? She's been useless for years now - might as well use this type of film to help pave the way for younger... ''talent.''

The Green Inferno (2013)

They Got The Munchies!

[4/10 · 17 October 2015]

It's obvious what inspired Eli Roth's 'The Green Inferno.' But there's a rumor going around that everything Eli Roth does, is supposed to be terrible. That makes it hard to rate/review his films, but...

Let's pretend for a moment that Eli Roth actually wants to create decent, entertaining material - and that he failed miserably with 'Knock Knock.' How does 'The Green Inferno' hold up? If you enjoy plot less, gore filled nonsense, you should really enjoy most of Eli Roth's library. However, Eli Roth suffers from the same delusions that plague Rob Zombie - If you're looking for a cast in your upcoming film, look no further than the people closest to you. Lorenza Izzo is a dreadful actress, that will continue to see work, due to her relationship with the director. Ariel Levy is on a whole different level of God awful, and the rest of the cast isn't too far behind. But I guess the whole purpose of these films, is to have characters so bad, you enjoy their demise. I'd just like to see these characters played by, well, actual actors. I do understand why he has such a large following, and I'm sure he's a blast to work with - who wouldn't want to work for a successful director with no expectations? But starring in one of his films, and watching it, well, those are two entirely different things. One is far more enjoyable than the other, I'm sure. Imagine working for a guy like Martin Scorsese - Yuck!

'Cannibal Holocaust,' for some reason, still has a solid following. So, if you find yourself enjoying that type of material, Eli Roth did a fine job here. But if you're looking for something a little more, like better acting, better directing, better writing, better camera work, or an actual plot - there's a lot better horror films coming out in the near future. None of which will be directed by Eli Roth.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: When a tribe gives a better performance than any actor in your film, you may want to start looking elsewhere for a cast/friends. Long story short, It's okay, because Eli Roth wanted it to be terrible. Contact me, Eli @Krackoon on twitter. I'm a terrible actor, but who gives a damn? I just want to party!

Circle (II) (2015)

''Everyone vote for the black guy!''

[5/10 · 16 October 2015]

For all of you bad reality show TV lovers out there, comes a new horror film based around that concept. Only difference is, if you get voted off here, well, you won't be around to make a spin off or to annoy us with your laughably bad sex tape (If only our bad reality TV had the same consequences.)

Most horror fans suffer from a bad case of impatience, and this film will certainly test you, with a slow moving plot about a large group of people standing in one spot for 90 minutes trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation, but quickly turning to what the human race is best at - screwing each other over. Now, my enjoyment of the film took a slight turn once I noticed both the pregnant character, and the child standing next to her. Let me just add a minor spoiler here for those of you who will want to move on, once you decide that the outcome is as predictable as I thought it was going to be - DON'T!

A plot this slow does tend to feel as if it's dragging on, and personally, I feel this is the type of material that would be a better short film - The finale really made it worth while, though. There's people who think doing the right thing will lead you down the right path, and then there's the group of people who believe only the strong/smart survive. 'Circle' gives us the perspective from the latter side - and I have to say I enjoyed every second of it. The writer/director really deserve some credit here for having the cojones to settle for this type of outcome. The surviving character used his wit, and his charm to get out of a situation designed for the most 'innocent' human being on the planet. Brilliant.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: If you ever find yourself in a situation like the one in 'Circle,' don't spend your time trying to figure out how to help the people around you. Put that brain power to better use, and start figuring out how to screw them over. Either way, give 'Circle' a chance. It's slow, too long, but worth while at the end.

Dismembering Christmas (2015)

Krackoon here with an honest review...

[1/10 · 12 October 2015]

Are you tired of all the fake reviews? You just know it's the director, or one of those terrible actors sitting behind their computer screens, writing whatever it takes to get you to watch their truly awful horror films, right? Do not fear, Krackoon is here - and I trash on, well, just about everything.

So, what about 'Dismembering Christmas?' Well, after the credits started to roll, I wanted to disremember ever seeing it. You can pretty much guess what you're in for, when you read the phrase 'a group of friends,' because you know there's going to be a cabin, and a person wearing a really cheap mask, right around the corner. So, if you want your halls decked with bad acting, horrible sound/music, poorly written dialogue, then 'Dismembering Christmas' is as good as the director, who wrote the fake review, says it is. The dialogue here is about as robotic as I've seen in a while - 'Sam.. we.. have.. to.. get.. out.. of.. here' These people make Robocop seem like your average every day guy.

The acting is about three notches below bad - The 'Joan' character just paves the way for how bad it's going to get. I must apologize here, because when 'Joan' first made her appearance, I thought the character was actually played by a male dressed in drag. It wasn't until I loaded up IMDb, that I found out the part is actually played by Marla Van Lanen, whom I assume is actually a female. Sorry, Marla. It was an honest mistake.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: Fake reviews aren't going to go away, but let's be honest here - If you thought a movie called 'Dismembering Christmas,' was going to be anything but bad - who is really to blame?

Demonic (2015)

Better than 'The Vatican Tapes.'

[3/10 · 11 October 2015]

There's two things you can count on if you're a director, whether big time or small, and that is - If you're in need of an actor to play the detective in your film, and your first choice (Michael Paré) is currently busy, you can always turn to your second option - Frank Grillo.

'Demonic' is exactly what I feared, which is why I avoided it for so long, but I figured since I struggled through 'The Vatican Tapes,' I can handle anything. Again, I am not a fan of possession flicks, at all. 'Demonic' manages to throw in just about everything I dislike about these films, with a ridiculous twist, that you can see coming from a mile away. The cast is below average - Maria Bello seems disinterested at every turn, and Frank Grillo struggles with his lines, as usual. Seriously, does this guy ever prepare for any role? You can tolerate him in 'Captain America 2: Winter Soldier,' because they can disguise how limited, and useless he really is. Did anyone REALLY notice the guy was even in that awesome film? Of course not.

The plot is the real killer here, though. It starts off as the usual haunted house, then turns into an 80 minute interrogation of a possessed kid who really isn't even there. But you can't really tell how unusual this sort of shocking reveal is, since Frank Grillo's facial expressions never change. He either looks constipated, or clueless. That's pretty much all you get from Frank. As for Maria? Well, she just wants her paycheck. The entire plot, the kill scene with the walkie-talkie, along with the twist, all of it together, just makes the film so laughably bad, you'll think you walked into another horror comedy directed by Eli Roth.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: Personally, I think if the coin had landed on Michael Paré, 'Demonic' would have been, well, awful, but his lack of emotion, and disinterest just seems more professional than Frank Grillo. Maybe it's just me?

Knock Knock (I) (2015)

Thanks, John Wick.

[3/10 · 10 October 2015]

Thanks to John Wick, which I completely enjoyed, and Keanu Reeve's once in a lifetime performance, we're now stuck with the guy for probably another ten years.

If you read the reviews, or the 'Knock Knock' forum here at IMDb, you'll see people asking 'was Keanu acting bad on purpose?' Why are people oblivious to the fact that Keanu Reeves has been acting terrible since the mid eighties? How does Nic Cage get so much heat for being worthless on screen, yet Mr. Reeves seems to slip by without anyone noticing? It's baffling, really. When I saw the trio of Eli Roth, Keanu Reeves, and Lorenza Izzo (who is the equivalent of Sheri Moon Zombie in every single Rob Zombie film,) I knew Evan Webber wasn't the only person in for a night of pure torture.

We're lead to believe that 'Knock Knock' wants to be a slapstick home invasion thriller, but in order for that to be the case, wouldn't these actors have to be capable of being something other than awful? Some of you out there want to believe that the acting, the writing, the casting was done for the purpose of humor - I'm not buying it. If that's the case, I'm sure 'Green Inferno' will be one of the best comedies of the year, since we're to believe that Eli Roth's sole purpose of making films, is to make them terrible. Eli Roth is just Uwe Boll with a larger bank account - I remember the same being said about Uwe, but if you ask the man, he'll tell you straight, that he tries making the best films he can. He's just not talented enough to accomplish it. That's also Eli Roth's issue. No one wants to be bad at what they do.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: Keanu Reeves has been known for his questionable work ethic, and his lack of professionalism for a while. 'John Wick,' as good as it is, does not erase the complete and utter trash that this guy creates on screen, nor does it make 'Knock Knock' a campy fun flick. It's actually one of the worst films of 2015. And I won't take part in crediting these people for ''trying'' to be worthless.

Extinction (2015)

Horror Drama.

[3/10 · 7 October 2015]

If 'Extinction' were a TV drama, I'm sure it would be leading the network in ratings.

But as a horror film, there's just not enough horror, and far too much drama. This is why I avoid television altogether. I'm probably the only person on earth that hasn't seen, or care to see a single episode of 'The Walking Dead.' 'Extinction' makes me feel like I just saw a 90 minute pilot to one of these upcoming series. The acting, the characters, the plot - the entire package just screams mediocre television. Do yourself a favor, and watch 'I Am Legend' instead. At least that horror drama knows how to play with the big boys.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: If you enjoy really bad television, you'll probably enjoy 'Extinction.' If you're a horror film fanatic, you'll be sleeping within twenty minutes.

P.S - Matthew Fox, go back where you belong.

All Hallows' Eve 2 (2015)

Surpasses it's predecessor...

[2/10 · 7 October 2015]

Unlike the first film in the franchise, 'All Hallows Eve 2' gives us more bang for our buck.

If you're going to limit your anthology film to just three short stories, you better make sure they're both entertaining and fun. Otherwise, you should take the approach most anthology films take, and that's throwing in as many short films as possible. Because eventually, someone is going to hit on something special, to make up for the several bad short films that infest this type of horror film. 'All Hallows Eve 2' does have a few fairly solid, entertaining short films. My personal favorite being 'Descent.' Solid little paranoia short about a woman trapped in an elevator with a possible serial killer.

Most of the stories lack gore, and just about everything required to keep people entertained on Halloween. Luckily, each story just flies by, leaving you hoping for the next gem - You just aren't going to find it.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: We shouldn't be seeing a third film in this franchise until next year, around Halloween, which is probably the best story of all. Written/Directed by @Krackoon.

All Hallows' Eve (2013)

Spoiler - It sucks.

[1/10 · 7 October 2015]

For every good anthology horror film, there's about ten really bad ones.

And with the recent release of 'All Hallows Eve 2,' which I'll be reviewing at a later date - I thought I'd go back a few years and watch the first of the series. 'All Hallows Eve' gives us three short stories, plus a finale thrown in for good measure. The trouble with taking the three story route, is you don't have enough material to make up for the weak tales. The sequel corrects the mistake of it's predecessor by extending the number of short stories.

The first short is without a doubt the worst. It's a tale I like to call - 'Underground Clownapping Satanist.' Story starts with a woman waiting for her train to arrive, and ends up in an underground tunnel, with people wearing really bad make up. It's some of the most senseless random rubbish you're going to find in any anthology flick.

The second short is slightly more tolerable. It's what I call - ''Slumber Party Alien Predator Abduction.'' Yes, I realize 'VHS 2' already beat me to it, but that didn't stop Damien Leone from ripping off the story. Female home all alone, has to defend herself against Aliens that watched 'Predator' one too many times.

The third short is the best, and should have been extended for the entire 90 minutes, saving us from the previous disasters. It's what I call - 'Thanks for The Limbs, Lady.' 'Art The Clown' takes over, and delivers something along the lines of 'Thanks For the Ride, Lady,' if any of you remember that dandy from 'Creepshow 2.' A far less enjoyable version, of course, but still not as bad as the previous stories.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: The final shot of the film is somewhat enjoyable, as we don't really see that type of outcome in many films, but the stories here are simply dull. Let's see if ''All Hallows Eve 2' improves on it's predecessor.

The Vatican Tapes (2015)

Another classic tale of Michael Paré vs. Evil.

[2/10 · 6 October 2015]

Serious question here: Does anyone remember the last time Michael Paré didn't play a detective?

I wanted to avoid 'The Vatican Tapes' for as long as possible, but I decided to get it over with. See, I'm not a believer of the whole possession thing, nor do I enjoy watching it on the big screen. You don't have to be a believer in God or the Devil to enjoy a good film, but how often has this idea actually been successfully done, since 'The Exorcist?' Not often from what I can remember. Of course, I tend to condemn these films before viewing them, so I guess I'm not the best judge. I also kept having 'Stigmata' flashbacks whenever the lead actress was on screen, due to her minor resemblance to Patricia Arquette (another terribly made possession film, in a long line of terribly made possession films.) If you insist on giving 'The Vatican Tapes' a try - and your religion is anti-bad horror movies, you probably should reconsider.

I guess if I had to find a positive here, the first 30 minutes is tolerable, but quickly descends from that moment on with the usual possession clichés. You know, a few jump scares, lead actress flicking her tongue around, bones breaking, religious nonsense, Michael Paré playing yet another detective. Yes. The usual.

Random Ramblings of a Madman: Does anyone else think the uglier the main actress became throughout the film, the more she resembled Patricia Arquette? Sorry, Patricia, I kept trying to think of a better way to put this, but Krackoon's aren't known for their subtlety.

Tormented (2014)

This little piggy went...

[2/10 · 6 October 2015]

Boo, boo, boo, all the way through.

'Berkshire County' is your typical home invasion, babysitter nonsense. The first few moments of the film makes sure we never care about the possible victim. Making her out to be your typical mindless high school sleaze. That role is played by Alysa King, who is supposed to a high school student, but looks to be in her mid to late twenties. That's usually how these films go about casting, though, since finding a younger actress who can't act, isn't nearly as easy as finding an older actress who can't act. I guess? One of my favorite lines in the film, is toward the end, when our damsel in distress threatens 'Marcus' to report his video as distributing pornography of a minor... Fairly empty threat from a woman who looks like she was around for the release of Duran Duran's 'Hungry Like The Wolf' hit single.

The film is a copy of many previous invasion films, such as 'The Strangers,' and 'You're Next,' but reminds me mostly of 'When a Stranger Calls 2006.' The reasons will be obvious while you're viewing the film. Since the film is called 'Berkshire County,' an obvious breeding ground for hillbillies, you can forget about any originality from the killers. They'll be sporting the usual pig masks, because, well, that's what all hillbillies do, right? Luckily, our sleazy victim manages to get through to the local police, where they then dispatch their finest two officers. One looks younger than the 40 year old actress playing the lead role - and the other looks like a night watchman at your local museum. You can imagine how this ends, right?

Random Ramblings of a Madman: I've always been curious, how do hillbillies make pig sounds as well as they do? I try and try, but I can't seem to get enough bass in my voice. It just seems so easy for them.