williampsamuel Reviews

Lightyear (2022)

Not Quite Infinity, But Pretty Close

[7/10 · 8 July 2022]

You've seen him in Toy Story. You've heard of his epic battles with Emperor Zurg. You probably know many of his trademark quotes. Now we get to meet the real (fictional) Buzz Lightyear, in the 1995 blockbuster that spawned the sold-out toy, as he goes to infinity and beyond! OK, so it's a pretty convoluted framing device, but the result is a pretty good sci-fi movie and fun ride.

Chris Evens makes a very good Buzz Lightyear, one that will feel familiar to Toy Story fans, but is quite different from the Tim Allan version. The well-known catchphrases are all there, along with the frequent overconfidence and fondness for charging headlong into danger, but with a greater seriousness and sense of duty, plus the skills and experience to (mostly) justify that nearly boundless self-confidence. Toy Story Buzz is a toy who thinks he's a Space Ranger, a comic relief character trying to be an action hero. This Buzz is the chiseled, square jawed action hero, if an occasionally comedic one.

Alongside Buzz, the film introduces a whole cast of new characters. The cat is the best by far. I mean who doesn't love a talking animal? Especially one that acts, and often thinks like a cat, but is also polite, helpful, a scientific genius, and has a gadget for nearly every situation. He's kind of like the Doctor's sonic screwdriver or R2-D2, but cuter. I also quite liked the curmudgeonly old parolee/demolitions expert. She's a born scrounger and MacGyver level tinkerer who can turn anything into a bomb, which probably has something to do with why she was incarcerated in the first place.

Buzz's sidekick Izzy is kind of generic, but plucky, sympathetic, and quite relatable. She makes a good audience identification figure, even if her character development arc is thoroughly predictable. The only character I didn't like much was Morrison, the comic relief sidekick voiced by Taika Waititi. He has his moments, and Waititi certainly knows how to deliver the jokes, but his clumsiness, carelessness, and tendency to panic or give up in every tough situation are honestly more irritating than amusing. He's not full-on Jar-Jar Binks, but there are definitely some similarities. Shame that such a talented actor should be wasted on such a dumb character, and it's nothing some minor re-writes couldn't have fixed.

Even if the character arcs and some of the jokes are fairly predictable, the story is surprisingly not. The narrative structure is simple enough, but there are some surprising twists, and one truly jaw dropping reveal. It also makes very effective use of number of classic sci-fi plot devices, some very familiar, others rarely used in recent years. There are no outright plot holes either, which is admirable for a family film that deals with a number of complicated, high concept plot devices.

There are however a number of plot points that could have used more- or in some cases any- explanation. I really wish hey have told us more about Zurg's plans, certain characters' reasons for taking rather drastic actions, or any number of other non-technical plot points. For once, I think this movie could use more exposition. Maybe even a monologue or two.

Perhaps the biggest narrative issue is that the movie doesn't get to the main conflict with Zurg until almost the halfway point, So Buzz's showdown with Zurg feels kind of rushed, exposition gets the short shift, and the movie doesn't do as much as it could have with that shocking reveal I mentioned earlier. And to be honest, Lightyear almost feels like two movies, with the extremely sudden shift from a narrowly focused, deeply personal story of an astronaut pushing himself to his limits, to an action blockbuster. Having said all that, the story still mostly works, but it could have used some more polish.

On a more positive not, the animation is beautiful. Cartoonish yes, but in an extremely detailed and polished way, that makes the setting and environments feel more grounded and realistic, at least by science fiction standards. There's some very good weapon, creature, and starship designs here, and the lasers, explosions, and other "effects shots" are all great. I especially liked the dazzling hyper-speed sequence, which reminded me more than a little of 2001.

So overall, Lightyear isn't exactly an outstanding or groundbreaking entry in the sci-fi genre, nor is it on the same level of the main Toy Story franchise, but it's still an entertaining and mostly satisfying summer blockbuster and family movie. Kids will love it, and most Disney, and science fiction fans will like it too.

Robo Vampire (1988)

The Cinematic Equivelent of a Siezure

[1/10 · 15 April 2021]

The title Robo Vampire is something of a misnomer. At no point in this movie is there a robot vampire. Robot vs. Vampires would be more accurate, though the robot is actually a cyborg and the "vampires" are undead creatures that look and act more like zombies, move by hopping around, and are summoned with offerings of drugs. Oh, and they're led by a Gorilla man who shoots fireworks out of his sleeves and a "ghost witch" who may or may not actually be dead. Anyway, they're all employed by a drug syndicate to kill narcotics agents. And somehow, all of this makes much, much less sense than this description would imply.

Robo Vampire is a movie completely devoid of logic or coherence. There is nothing even resembling continuity. Most of the scenes have no connection to each other, no real transitions in between, and if you showed them out of order, it would barely make a difference. Characters appear with no introduction, disappear with no explanation, and occasionally seem to change from White to Asian and back between shots. The scene in which the cyborg first appears does a slow fade from him being activated in the lab to him throttling two soldiers in a forest. Then the movie just forgets about him for a while. Later he's shot with a rocket launcher, and before the smoke has even cleared, he's back on the operating table.

If it seems like Robo Vampire was stitched together from several completely unrelated movies, that's because it totally was. Large portions were lifted from a Thai action thriller, combined with hastily shot new footage and effects shots from some the director's previous films, then atrociously dubbed. And I do mean atrociously. You've got love a line like "Orientals are a stubborn people" in a movie written and directed by a Chinese man. Apparently, director/writer Godfrey Ho made a career of cranking out frankenfilms like this. His IMDB page lists more than twenty credits for 1988 alone, which gives you an idea just how much time and effort went into this.

Supposedly this movie had a budget of $2.5 million, but it looks like made with about $90, a camcorder, and some off the shelf Halloween costumes. The effects are cheap and unconvincing, the same empty warehouse and riverbank keep showing up again and again, and the robot is clearly the work of a sewing machine. There are a few relatively competent fights and shootouts, which obviously came from another movie. The action scenes with the robot and the vampires mostly look like the result of the editor having a seizure while the actors flail and hop around.

In fact, this whole movie is essentially the cinematic equivalent of a seizure. Or maybe a really bad acid trip. Heaven knows that with the constant references to drugs in this movie the filmmakers must have been on some themselves. I don't know what audience this was intended for, or how it could possibly have made any money, but the fact that this director made 149 other movies of roughly equal quality is enough to fill me with deep foreboding.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

The Height of Cinimatic Ineptitude

[1/10 · 3 August 2020]

Manos: The Hands of Fate is the story of a family who become lost while driving thought the West Texas desert and are menaced by a polygamous cult. It also a strong contender for the title of worst movie ever made. With glacial pacing, a threadbare plot, very little that could be described as acting, no real production values to speak of, and nothing remotely scary or exciting, it's a near perfect example of how not to make a movie.

This makes a lot a lot of sense once you know the story behind the movie. You see, Manos was written, directed, and produced by an El Paso insurance salesman with no experience in film or acting, in order to win a bet that he could make a movie. He did this with a near zero budget, a cast of community theater volunteers and random townspeople, and the absolute minimum of editing and post-production work possible. He won his bet, but seeing the result, you'll seriously wonder if it was worth it.

At least the first five minutes consist of the family driving aimlessly around the desert, passing the same amorous teenage couple again and again, in what may be the most pointless, meandering opening sequence ever put on film. Apparently, this was supposed to be a leisurely opening credits sequence, but the filmmakers ran out of money to add the credits, and just left it in to pad the runtime. It drags on and on, going nowhere, adding nothing to the story, until they finally reach the Master's house. Sadly, this brings very little improvement in plot or pacing.

Instead we're mainly treated to slow, awkward conversations, aborted attempts to leave the Master's house for somewhere safer, and even more shots of that teen couple making out in their car. The closest thing this movie has to a high point is the extended catfight between the Master's nightgown clad wives, but even this gets boring after the first couple minutes. You know you're in trouble when you can't make gratuitous exploitation work.

As with any bad horror movie, the characters spend far too much time wandering around looking for each other, calling out each other's names over and over with no reply. You wouldn't think it would take them so long to find each other in such a small house in the absolute middle of nowhere. Then again, it is pretty dark, and these people aren't very bright.

Now the reason it's so dark is that in order to accommodate the cast and crew's day jobs, most shooting was done at night. Only they didn't have the budget for proper lighting, so most of the exterior scenes are pitch black. Hence the scene in which police hear gunshots, walk a few steps from their car to investigate, then turn around and give up because it's too dark to see anything. The lack of production values is even more apparent when one of the night scenes cuts to a piece of stock footage- instantly recognizable as such because it's better lit and photographed than any other part of the movie.

If there is any redeeming value to this production beyond sheer camp, it's John Reynold's one of a kind performance as Torgo, the Master's slow talking, long suffering henchman and housekeeper. I'm not saying it's a good performance. In fact, it's about as far from anything resembling a good performance as can be imagined. But between his stilted, halting speech, jerking movements, and near constant facial tics, Reynold's acting is so awful, so creepy, in such a uniquely bizarre way, that it's almost hypnotic. Like a Beatnik version of Nic Cage, he's either manic or semi-comatose in every scene. No one could possibly be this terrible on purpose, and I was not at all surprised to learn that he was in fact a heavy drug user.

The other performances are also uniformly bad, but aside from a few amusingly overwrought outbursts from the Master, only in the flat, boring manner of the entire movie. It's kind of amazing that it takes over ninety minutes for so little to happen, or that what's supposed to be a horror movie can be so utterly devoid of anything remotely scary. It does manage to be intermittently creepy, but only in all the wrong ways, as in the deeply unwholesome final scene, which I can only hope the filmmakers didn't realize the full undertones of.

The whole thing is just an utter mess of earnest intentions colliding with woeful ineptitude, like Ed Wood minus the minor celebrities and special effects. It's slow, boring, disjointed, frequently bizarre, and completely botched on every imaginable level. If there is a lesson to this movie, it's that just because you can do something, it doesn't mean you should. I cannot recommend the original cut, even to the most committed bad movie lovers. However, I can recommend the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment, which makes for a rather amusing, relatively painless introduction to the cult of Manos.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)

Worse than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

[1/10 · 1 June 2020]

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is easily a contender for the title of worst Christmas movie ever made. Produced on a shoestring budget by the struggling Pirates World amusement park, it tells the tale of how Santa gets stuck on a beach in Florida, so he tells a bunch of kids the story of Thumbelina. Obviously, that makes no sense, but if anything, it makes this movie sound less crazy than it is.

In the first act, Santa sings an awful song about how he's burning up and has no-one to save him, before telepathically summoning all the nearby children to come help him. They enlist various farm animals and a guy in a gorilla suit to pull his sleigh out of the sand (while Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn watch from their raft!?) but none of it works. So since they're all stuck there anyway, Santa proceeds to tell them about Thumbelina, which takes the form of a separate movie, complete with its own opening and ending credits.

This would make for a welcome change of pace, except that the Thumbelina section is only marginally better than stranded Santa. The acting and sets are on the level of a high school play. The frog, bug, and mole costumes are well below the level of a high school play. The whole thing feels like a giant acid trip, and a slow tedious one at that. The true measure of the filmmakers' incompetence is how the movie frequently cuts to the squawk box providing the narration, because, it wants to remind us that this is all happening at a walk-through exhibit at Pirates World?

We're not so much watching a movie about Thumbelina as we are a filmed segment about tourists looking at dioramas of Thumbelina's story, as narrated by a mole with a weird accent, which is all being narrated to kids on a batch by Santa Claus, for reasons that are never fully explained. This is by far the most pointless, awkward framing device I've seen, all to pad the runtime enough for this to count as a real movie. Eventually the movie does get back to Santa, the Ice Cream Bunny shows up, and the day is saved, without much actually happening. It's all glacially slow

The entire production reeks of cheapness, desperation, and a profound lack of talent or competence. There is no logic, no real story, no production values to speak of, and no reason for this mess to exist, aside from reminding kids that Pirates World existed. The original songs are among the worst music ever put on film, the sound quality is terrible throughout, and the photography does nothing to hid the sweat pouring down Santa's costume. I never thought that in a million years I'd witness a Christmas movie worse than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but this is it. Fans of hilariously bad movies will want to check out the RiffTrax version, but skip the original.

Fun in Balloon Land (1965)

I Strongly Question Whether This Qualifies as a Movie

[1/10 · 19 May 2020]

Fun in Balloon Land is not so much a movie, in the conventional sense, as it is a series of semi connected events that happen to take place mostly in front of a camera. There is no plot, no logic, no real acting or actors, and no explanation for why such a thing should exist.

The "story" (if it can be described as such) is that little Sonny falls asleep while his mother reads him bedtime stories, then dreams of various adventures in the magical word of Balloon Land, which is filled with giant balloon animals and fairy tale people. What we actually get is Sonny and other unnamed children wandering around a warehouse and interacting with strange balloon people, plus unrelated footage of a balloon parade, narrated by a crazy woman.

One of the first things you notice, aside from grotesque the balloon people are, is that whenever Sonny talks to them, it takes an awkwardly long time for the balloons to mumble something back. Much of this dialog is completely unintelligible, and it's obvious that whoever's voicing the balloon people is just shouting from offscreen. No effort is taken to hide the fact that the "set" is just a warehouse, and at several points workers, set lights, or the end of the stage are clearly visible. Throughout this section the camera moves so rarely that I suspect there was no actual cameraman.

The parade section is somewhat better, insofar as we can tell what's going on, and aren't worried about the safety of the children involved. Sadly, this is mostly offset by the dismal appearance of the balloons, and the extreme length and slowness of the parade. The one source of entertainment Is the woman narrating all this. She's oddly animated, unreasonably excited about each and every lackluster balloon float, and keeps insisting against all evidence that the bored, shivering children love the parade as much as she does. I'm not sure if she's seriously overcaffeinated or just trying way too hard, but either way it's kind of surreal.

So is the whole movie for that matter. Surreal, bizarre, baffling, and utterly incompetent on every level. So incompetent that it makes Ed Wood and Tommy Wisaeu look like real directors by comparison. The only possible reason for its existence is as an extended advertisement for its creators, Gigantic Balloon Parade co, which makes it a strong contender for the worst commercial ever released.

I hesitate to call this the worst movie ever made, because it's not nearly as grating or cringy as some of the other "worst ever" candidates, and aside from a pair of unbelievably racist balloons, there's little that's outright objectionable. That said, it is probably the cheapest, most pitiful excuse for a movie I've ever witnessed, and I can't imagine watching it without help from Rifftrax.

The Virgin Spring (1960)

A Profound Tale of Tragedy and Faith

[8/10 · 8 May 2020]

Rarely has any director done so much in so short a time, or achieved such depth with a story of such simplicity, as Ingmar Bergman in the Virgin Spring. This film, adapted from a medieval ballad, tells of how a fair young maiden was raped and murdered in the forest, and the perpetrators came to spend that very night in the home of her parents. This may sound like the premise for a gory horror film- in fact Wes Craven would later remake this as the shockingly graphic Last House on the Left- but with Bergman there is no question of resorting to shock value, everything is treated with the seriousness and dignity it deserves.

There's little more to the plot than what I've already said. Where this film gets its power is from the depth of the characters and their emotions. Karin, the daughter of a wealthy farmer, is one of the purest, most innocent, and most naive girls I have ever seen. She can be a brat, and is the life of any dance, but could never imagine that anyone would hold impure motives or wish her harm. Even as her killers remark upon her beauty, she cannot fathom that she is in any danger 'til it is far too late.

The family's servant girl, Ingeri, is Karin's polar opposite. Ingeri is caustic and resentful, her visage scared from a hard life, and her belly swollen with child. She hates Karin with a burning passion which seems born of jealousy. The first time we see her, she is praying to Odin that great misfortune will befall Karin. I can hardly guess what she's been through to make her so embittered at her age, but I pity her.

Karin's death is shown openly but not graphically. No doubt is left of what happens to her, or of her assailant's depravity, but there is no nudity or attempt to shock the viewer. The father's revenge is handled in the same manner. The rouges die violently and painfully, but it is done quickly, and with a minimum of blood and gore. They got no less than what they deserved, or at least the older brothers did. The father goes too far in killing the younger brother, who was no more than a child himself. But he realizes this as soon as his rage is passed, and is filled with remorse for what he has done.

What left the greatest impression on me was the ending, in which the family sets out to retrieve their daughter's body. Bergman does a masterful job of showing how the father, the mother, and even Ingeri deal with their grief and their perceived guilt as they travel the forest path. But even more powerful is the father's action upon finding the slain body of his only daughter. Falling to his knees he breaks down and shouts to the heavens "You saw this... You allowed it to happen. I do not understand you. I do not understand you, but still I seek your forgiveness. It is the only redemption I know.

In the midst of great tragedy, when he has every reason to despise life and doubt God, he instead turns to faith, and from loss comes renewed commitment, and a symbol of new life. This is what makes Bergman's The Virgin Spring a truly great film.

War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)

A Masterful Conclusion to the Apes Trilogy

[9/10 · 6 May 2020]

You wouldn't expect pathos and deep personal drama from a movie about humans battling apes. In fact the trailers gave me the impression that this was where the series would go off the rails, replacing story and characters with explosions and effects. Thankfully I was very wrong. Beyond being an outstanding action blockbuster, War is a work of surprising complexity and depth, which successfully blends religious symbolism, painful imagery of slavery and genocide, and though provoking questions about the price of vengeance and what truly makes us human.

For those who haven't seen the first two movies, it's been three years since conflict between the apes and the remnants of humanity began. In that time ape leader Caesar and his tribe have made every effort to avoid war, hiding ever deeper in the forests in the hope that they'll be left alone. In return they've been endlessly hounded by soldiers following the fanatical Colonel. Near the brink of destruction, Caesar decides the only hope for his beleaguered clan is to flee to a new land far away, while he deals with the Colonel once and for all. But of course the best laid plans of men and apes go astray, supping up a harrowing captivity and climactic final battle.

Harrelson is in perfect form as the colonel, channeling Brando and adding his own natural insanity to create an antagonist very much like Col. Kurtz, only far more intense and aggressive. Personal loss and the fear of what humanity may become have driven him beyond the point of fanaticism, into utter ruthlessness and madness. He will use any means to achieve his ends; even killing his own men if he believes they pose a danger. His followers are as much a cult as an army, and he is like a prophet to them, preaching the gospel of salvation for humanity through the annihilation of the apes.

Yet the Colonel is not the only flawed character in the movie. As Caesar continues on his quest, he's haunted by the memory of Koba, the villainous ape who started the war with humanity and died by Caesar's hand in the last film. Their clash came about because Caesar only wanted peace, while Koba was consumed by his thirst for revenge against the humans. But now as pursues his own vengeance, who must ask himself if he is becoming his old foe, and whether what he's doing is for the good of his tribe, or his own satisfaction.

This question becomes more pressing as what was supposed to be a simple assassination becomes a rescue mission. Rather than kill all the apes immediately, the Colonel has imprisoned hundreds of them in what can only be described as a simian concentration camp where the captive apes are used a slave labor to build a wall that will complete the Colonel's defenses. The Holocaust imagery is striking and highly disquieting, especially in scenes where the captives are herded and beaten by fellow apes who are fighting for the humans. These "Donkeys" (presumably as in Kong) were followers of Koba, who fight for the promise that they will be spared, like Kapos in a Nazi concentration camp.

These scenes are also unsettlingly similar to some from Roots and Twelve Years a Slave. It's a testament to the quality of the writing and direction that apes can be used as stand-ins for plantation slaves without it seeming even slightly racist. On the other hand the wall that the apes are building could be seen as an overly transparent political allegory, especially since it's at the border between two states. But then again it is a military fortification across the mouth of a box canyon; more like the wall at Helm's Deep than a monumental barrier to separate humans from apes. So make of it what you will.

The apes meanwhile have their own human companion, a young mute girl they name Nova. Her presence is a fairly transparent ploy to make us relate to the protagonists, but it works, largely due to the young actress's wide facial acting range and sheer cuteness. And she may turn out to have more plot significance than we initially realize.

Perhaps surprisingly for a movie this intense and frequently tragic, there is some excellent comedic relief, most of it delivered by Bad Ape, an escapee from a Florida Zoo who's gone a bit nutty from too many years of isolation. He's cowardly, eccentric, and always doing the wrong thing at the worst time possible, in the most endearing way possible. There's also something to be said for the mere presence of a mostly hairless ape in a ski vest.

War for the Planet of the Apes delivers everything you could want from a summer action movie: great effects, spectacular battle scenes, frequent suspense, good comic relief, and even some smart pop-culture references. But more than that, it's a work of depth and nuance that will make you think, feel, and maybe bring an occasional tear to your eye. It ups the action and spectacle of its predecessors while remaining as thoughtful and character driven as ever, and is far more human than a movie about apes has any right to be.

War Horse (2011)

A Very Different War Movie

[9/10 · 6 May 2020]

For his latest production, Stephen Spielberg has chosen to tell the tale of a boy and his horse- and the First World War. Think Black Stallion meets All Quiet on the Western Front. It may seem jarring to put the tender story of the bond between man and animal against the chaos and carnage of trench warfare. But Spielberg has successfully blended these elements to create a film that is heartfelt, charming, and often exciting, if occasionally sappy, with an emotional pull on par with the classic Homeward Bound.

The story follows a young thoroughbred, Joey, who is bought by a poor farmer against his better judgment, then raised and trained by his son Albert (Jeremy Irvine). After circumstances force the family to part with Joey, the horse follows a long and strange journey which will take him across Europe, bring him into contact with the best and worst of humanity, and see him serve on both sides of the war. But all the while, Albert has not forgotten his horse, nor has Joey forgotten his master. I doubt that it gives anything away to say that they will meet again.

War Horse is very well acted and directed throughout. Peter Mullen and Emily Watson are charming and have delightful chemistry as Albert's hardworking parents, and based on his performance here, I expect to see a lot more of Jeremy Irvine in the coming years. The supporting cast is also solid, with most actors being quite convincing in their roles. And the horses are magnificent. I don't know how many horses were used to play Joey, but all of them are gorgeous and impeccably trained. Despite being a Texan, I must admit I don't have much experience with horses, but I would be glad to own any animal as intelligent, loyal, and resourceful as Joey.

Production values are equally stellar. All locations are superbly detailed, whether they be a quaint English farm or the barbed wire and shell hole maze of no-man's land. The photography and sound are first rate, and the explosions and battle scenes are as spectacular as befitting the director of Saving Private Ryan. The first shot of the front lines was especially impressive. The camera pulls upward from the German trench line to reveal a wasteland of wire and craters as far as the eye can see, illuminated by shell bursts and flashes of gunfire. Most serious war movies don't contain visuals on this scale, and to see something like this in a movie that's really about a horse is quite exceptional.

One of the film's other major strengths is that there is little to no attempt made to humanize the animal. We never hear what Joey is thinking, either directly or in narration. He doesn't blink or stomp his hoof on cue in response to a question, or gives a laughing whinny when someone tells a joke. Aside from a couple of long glances that seemed a bit purposeful for a horse, the movie doesn't try to give Joey human thoughts or emotions. His natural cunning and charisma are enough to entrance audiences.

Another important part of War Horse's success is the emotional pull and sense of investment it creates in the audience. We like and care about the people and horses on the screen, to the point that we feel we have a stake in their outcome. So even a minor conflict like whether Joey and Albert can plow a field creates keen interest. And later, when the events in the film take on life and death importance, you will likely find yourself choking up. I did, and I'm certainly not the most sentimental of movie goers.

However, while the film's emotional drama is one of its main strengths, it can also become one of its biggest weaknesses. At times War Horse becomes too sentimental for its own good, and threatens to collapse into the realm of melodrama. And I understand why some critics have complained that it seems rather trivial for the film to focus on a horse when millions of young men are dying, although I would counter that the film does not shy away from the human cost of war.

For me, the most serious problem with War Horse is that I simply could not suspend disbelief at one scene late in the film. I find it highly unlikely that by this point in the war the plight of a horse would inspire hardened veterans to take the actions they take, but I concede that this scene was necessary to set up the climax. And I suppose if it is possible for a horse to survive four years in a war where most horses lasted a month or two at most, then perhaps the events that conspire in no-man's land aren't entirely impossible.

Despite some real flaws, War Horse is still excellent entertainment for viewers of most ages. It has a compelling story, a talented cast, top notch production values, and a powerful emotional resonance. It is everything you would expect from Steven Spielberg, and it is one of the best movies in theatres this season.

The War of the Gargantuas (1966)

A Delightfully Cheesy Exercise in Camp

[7/10 · 6 May 2020]

Here we have it; another Japanese movie where guys in rubber suits fight each other and destroy Tokyo! Now I'm actually something of a fan of this genre, and I consider the original Godzilla to be a masterpiece. War of the Gargantuas doesn't even come close to Godzilla. It is an exercise in pure camp. But camp of course camp has an appeal of its own.

The plot is pretty standard Diakaiju fare. A smuggling vessel is attacked by a giant squid. Then a hairy green giant appears, fights the squid, and sinks the boat. More sightings follow up and down the coast. Scientists dismiss speculation that this is the same monster they had raised years before (more on that later) at one point attributing a report from a group of tourists to a bad LSD trip. Soon, the not-so-jolly green giant comes to shore and begins wreaking havoc. The army drives him up into the mountains, where they nearly destroy him- but then a second, brown giant comes to his rescue!

The two Gargantuas, as they're called throughout the movie, spend several days lounging around a lake, until they have a falling out over the morality of eating humans. Spurned by his 'brother', the green giant makes a beeline for the ocean- looking like a mutated track star as he runs headlong across the countryside. Inevitably, the two duke it out again, devastating much of Tokyo in the process, and are both killed by an underwater volcano.

This film is a semi-sequel to incredibly lousy Frankenstein Conquers the World, although there's little continuity between the two. The word 'Frankenstein' is never used here. And when the scientists flash-back to the monster's early years, instead of seeing footage from the previous film, we're treated to new footage in which the infant Frankenstein/Gargantua looks completely different than he did in the other movie. There's also the fact that he's at least doubled in size, but never mind.

Of course the scientists tell everyone they can that the brown Gargantua poses no danger, and of course no-one listens. There's also the usual theory about the monsters' origins. It's conjectured that a piece of the brown Gargantua was somehow cut off, and when exposed to a source of protein, grew into a second, green Gargantua. This means that if the army blows them up, there could be hundreds of them! This information is by turns taken to heart and ignored by the generals.

Plus there's a fairly interesting bit about how the green Gargantua is frightened by bright lights. This results in the citizens of Tokyo turning all of their lights on during attacks, and allows the army to repel him with searchlights. Later, he loses this fear because he realizes that there tends to be food (i.e. people) near light sources. Personally, I think he stops being afraid of the light because the plot requires him to.

And when our heroes go to the lake to find and hopefully study the monsters, there are numerous hikers, campers, and even boaters enjoying themselves. If I heard that a man-eating aquatic giant was last seen nearby, I'd pick another fishing spot, but hey, that's just me. The only thing more ridiculous than the sight of all these tourists is the speech we get about "youth flourishing in the face of evil."

Overshadowing the not unexpected problems of continuity and logic, there's also the matter of the acting. The acting in most Kaiju (Japanese monster) movies is a bit stilted, perhaps a little too broad. What we have here is much worse. The American scientist (Russ Tamblyn, filling in for the late Nick Adams) strikes the wrong tone in every scene. He's cool and laid back when he should be tense. He's cracking jokes when he should be terrified. And he never once sounds like the kind of guy who spends most of his time in a lab. He comes across more as a playboy or a wise guy. But it may actually not be the actor's fault, for this movie contains the worst dubbing job I have ever seen. Rather than try to describe it, I will give examples.

• One villager, on seeing the green monster emerge from the sea, cries out "Hey, look at that!"
• The scientist, planning their search for the monsters- "I'll go to the Japan Alps." "And I'll go to the beach." "Good." With a plan like that, the monster is as good as found.
• Asked about the risks posed by their research, the head scientist assures the crowd that "We experiment only when it is safe."
• The army publicly states that their attacks are meant to "prevent him from escaping to the sea- and to destroy him of course." It would appear that the Japanese Self Defense Force has placed Captain Obvious in charge of public relations.

After all the time I've spent listing this movie's failings, I would like to say that there is reason to watch it. Because the monster costumes are much lighter than those in other films, and allow more freedom of moment, the final battle between the Gargantuas is actually very well staged. I'm told that Quinton Terantino showed the actors in Kill Bill footage from Gargantuas before having them perform their combat sequences.

More importantly, this movie is simply so bad that it's kind of good, in its own goofy way. Most of the time I was more bemused than annoyed by the movie's flaws, and towards the end I found myself enjoying the experience. It seems that in its adaptation for American audiences, War of the Gargantuas was transformed from a fairly standard monster movie into a minor gem of unintentional comedy. It's a bad movie sure, but it's a Good bad movie.

Warm Bodies (2013)

More Brains than Your Average Rom Com

[8/10 · 6 May 2020]

Zombies have been all the rage as of late, with undead themed movies and TV shows reaching near saturation point. Naturally this has resulted in a fair number of parodies, each with their own take on the genre. Zombieland mashed gory horror with a road movie. Shaun of the Dead was The Office with zombies. And now Warm Bodies reimagines the zombie apocalypse as a rom com in which love is you need to recover your humanity.

It starts predictably enough with a zombie eating a young man's brains. Only in the process he gains his victim's memories, plus his feelings for his girlfriend- who the zombie proceeds to save and take home with him. And from there love eventually blossoms, with wider implications for relations between humanity and zombie-kind.

I know: on the face of it, the idea of Zombies coming back to life by learning to love sounds like a really stupid idea. It's one that could easily have dissolved into sappiness or pure ridiculousness. But this movie manages to make it work, with hilarious and sometimes heartwarming results. It works partly because it's stated clearly and very early on that in the context of this movie Zombism is a metaphor for emotional detachment and feeling dead inside. And of course, the cure for that is personal connections, especially love. So in that framework the premise mostly makes sense. It's actually believable, if scientifically impossible, even by the standards of zombie movies.

The premise also works because the protagonist is so likeable and adorably awkward. For a zombie he's a really nice guy. He eats the brains of the living, but he feels really bad about it. He sort of remembers being human and wishes he could go back. He even has a best friend, kind of. And his constant internal monologue is charmingly geeky and kind of neurotic, like Michael Cera in one of his better roles. And things only get cuter and more awkward as his relationship with his new girlfriend starts to unfold.

At first, she's naturally afraid for her life, and he nervously tries not to scare her any more. It's quite charming to see her feelings for him gradually develop into non-revulsion, then trust, then something approaching love. The movie wisely takes its time with this, never rushing or forcing the relationship. The added twist also fixes some of the problems plague most romantic comedies. For once, there's a good reason for the awkwardness and stupid misunderstandings that get in the way of their love. He literally can't talk to her. And she has a much stronger reason than usual for not wanting to bring him home to dad.

Just as interesting as the relationship itself is the gradual transformation back life to that accompanies it. Watching him regain his humanity bit by bit is quite inspiring, especially when the effects prove contagious.

The one major criticism I have is that the movie kind of wimped out and never made a major reveal between characters that should have been a major part of the plot. And admittedly Warm Bodies isn't very scary, even compared to Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead. But there are some pretty frightening scenes at the beginning, and a good amount of action and suspense towards the end. And above all, it's a very sweet and surprisingly smart romantic comedy. The zombies may be lifeless and brain-dead, but the movie isn't.

Warrior of the Lost World (1983)

A Dystopian Dud

[2/10 · 6 May 2020]

Nineteen eighty-three's Warrior of the Lost World is one of the lousiest post-apocalyptic "thrillers" I've ever seen. Nothing in this slipshod cross of Mad Max and Night Rider is done right. The bad acting, threadbare storyline, and low budget common to the genre are taken to the extreme.

Following a jerky, out of focus scrolling title sequence reminiscent of Star Wars, we see a mysterious, helmet wearing rider (Robert Ginty) riding slowly into the foreground on his intelligent motorcycle, Einstein. Except that it's hard to tell what you're seeing because the whole shot is incredibly blurred. In no time at all, he comes to the attention of the police, who give not-very-rapid chase on a pair of gun equipped motorcycles and a black muscle car with spikes for a front bumper. He dispatches one cyclist with his rear-firing flamethrowers. The other cyclist comes to a sudden stop, only to be rear ended by the car, which goes off the road, bursts into flames, and goes off a cliff- in that order.

But just around the bend is a roadblock, manned by twenty odd laser-wielding soldiers standing shoulder to shoulder in a two-deep firing line. Things are looking bad for hero, until he enters flight mode and hovers over the fence bordering the road. This would be more impressive if it wasn't completely obvious that he's just jumping off a hidden ramp while mist streams out of nozzles on his bike. The only dialogue during this sequence comes from Einstein, who utters lines like "bad mothers" and "engage, engage, engage" in his annoyingly high pitched voice.

The hero next rides through an overgrown junkyard, where he's attacked by nerds, punk rockers, and shirtless fat guys with chains, crowbars, and crossbows. After easily escaping this rabble, he rides straight into a cliffside, prompting cheers from the audience.

But alas, and unknown to him, the wall was only an illusion, meant to protect a realm populated by toga-wearing mystics with healing powers, plus a handful of militia types, including the pretty young Nastasia. These "Enlightened Elders" are the only resistance against the totalitarian Omegas. Under the leadership of Pressor (Donald Pleasance, who in better days played James Bond's nemesis Blofeld), the Omegas rule over a dystopian society were the people have no emotions or free will. Oh, and they've captured Nastasia's father, McWayne, who they plan to execute.

Our protagonist hesitantly agrees to infiltrate the Omegas' city with Nastasia and rescue her father, which they do with surprising ease. Only in their escape, she's left behind and captured. What is our hero to do? Why ride back to the junkyard of course, where he gains the allegiance of the post- apocalyptic freaks and geeks by defeating their strongest member in single combat.

All that's left now is for this motley crew to engage the Omegas in a drawn out vehicular battle scene. The Omegas have a secret weapon: Megaweapon, which is actually just an armored eighteen-wheeler. Megaweapon destroys Einstein in the movie's second bright spot, but the good guys prevail and storm Pressor's citadel, killing him and freeing Nastasia. In the final shot, the mysterious hero rides off into the sunset, watched by the grateful people he saved- and by Pressor, who left a robot body double to take his place, so that he could appear in a sequel that thankfully was never made.

As mentioned earlier, the acting is uniformly bad. In every scene, we're painfully aware that these are actors reading off a script. At one point, Nastasia tells the Rider "Don't show any emotion or they'll know you're an outsider." There is no noticeable change in his demeanor.

One thing that also struck me as odd was the locations and scenery. Most post-apocalyptic movies are shot in desert wastelands and crumbling urban slums. Indeed, the posters show what appears to be a decaying New York skyline. But the borderlands look more like the Deep South than the Outback, and the bad guys' city is obviously a college campus. It's drab and somewhat grimy sure, but there are no signs of any nuclear holocaust in the last few years.

So it doesn't work, and I'm not sure how it could have ever worked. It's a poor imitation of the Mad Max films, which weren't quite themselves, but at least they had talented actors and locations that looked like a nuclear wasteland. Even taking into account its extremely low production costs, I can't imagine how this slipshod product could have turned a profit at the box office. I can believe all too easily however, that it was originally released in Italy.

Whisky Galore! (1949)

A Charming, if Slightly Uneven Comedy

[8/10 · 6 May 2020]

The islanders of Todday are no strangers to hardship and privation. But in the midst of the Second World War, they find themselves faced with a disaster unprecedented in the history of their island: no whiskey! So when the SS Cabinet Minister runs aground offshore with 50,000 cases of whiskey, every man's utmost thought is to save some of the precious cargo. Every man that is, except for Capt. Wiggins of the home guard, who is determined that law and order shall prevail. But can one uptight old man outwit an entire island of boozehounds? Or is it the islanders who have underestimated his resolve?

Admittedly, Whiskey Galore does get off to a rather slow start. It's not until nearly a third of the way through the runtime that the booze laden ship arrives, with the film up to that point being occupied with subplots and vignettes of everyday life. Some of these will have later payoff, but the fact remains that almost nothing humorous happens in these early scenes. At the twenty-minute mark, I was beginning to fear that Whiskey Galore would be a failed comedy. Fortunately, this was not to be.

The film begins to pick up nicely once the cargo of alcohol wrecks itself. The dry British wit for which Ealing Studios is famous starts to shine through, and earlier subplots begin to have payoff, especially the one involving the stern, teetotalling old Mrs. Campbell. And by the time the customs agents arrive, Whiskey Galore has become a frantic screwball comedy in the best tradition of the keystone cops. It goes without saying that there is of course a happy ending, and all the islanders are free to drink themselves into stupor.

Other the pervasive alcohol reference, there's no content that modern audiences would find objectionable, making Whiskey Galore appropriate entertainment for viewers off all ages. Despite a low budget and lack of recognizable actors, the filmmakers have created a hilarious, if somewhat uneven production. Fans of Ealing Studios and classic comedies in general should enjoy it. Just don't let the slow start discourage you.

Who Wants to Kill Jessie? (1966)

A Wondefully Whimsica; Foreign Comedy

[8/10 · 6 May 2020]

The Czech sci-fi comedy Who Wants to Kill Jessie is one of the most oddball, whimsical, original films I've seen in quite a while. It starts off with a brilliant yet seldom explored premise: What happens when fictional characters find themselves trapped in reality. It then proceeds to explore this idea in a most comical fashion, and to blend fantasy and reality in a way that is both seamless and jarring.

It all begins with an older married couple. The husband, a mechanical engineer, has become hooked on a comic serial which shares the name of this film. The wife, a neurologist, has developed a method of viewing and modifying a person's dreams, which unknown to her, also brings their dreams to life. When she hears her husband talking in his sleep about some 'Jessie', she promptly tries out her invention on him. And sure enough, they are soon joined not only by Jessie, but also the villains who have been pursuing her for the secrets to her inventions. Mayhem ensues as the living dreams chase each other across the city, the cops try to keep up, and the wife grows more and more jealous.

Who Wants to Kill Jessie gets high marks for the originality of its ideas, and even higher marks for how it explores them. For instance, the way the fictional characters continue to communicate in speech bubbles, leading one boy to reply "Sorry miss, I can't read." Or the way that when someone takes an uppercut, they take a ballistic trajectory over the nearest rooftop. You can tell that something's off with the jerky way they move, but that only makes it more cartoonish. And in the comic books, it doesn't matter how much destruction your battles leave, but in the real world, you put a hole in someone's bathroom wall and you're looking at a lawsuit.

Which brings up an interesting question: Can visions be held liable for damages, or are they the responsibility or the one who dreamed them? This and other questions are dealt with in the most ridiculous courtroom scene since Duck Soup. The scientists' attempts to figure out what to do with the figments are equally comic and unorthodox.

Not all of the laughs come from the fish-out-of-water paradigm either. The henpecked husband angle is played for all it's worth. And the wife's jealousy has ironic payoff when she finds the man of her dreams. The weak-willed, bribe taking prison guard is also good for a chuckle, and perhaps a subtle comment on the government. More direct is one doctor's comment about the party's potential uses for the dream modification technology. One thing about the Czechs; even when they're cracking you up, they know how to make a serious point.

The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

Possibly the Worst Superhero Movie Ever Made

[1/10 · 5 May 2020]

The Wild World of Batwoman is one of the ineptest films I have ever seen. It is a shameless rip off of the then popular Batman television series, crossed with a particularly bungled beach party movie. It is absolutely pathetic, and as far as I can tell, that was perfectly fine with the director. This movie has no story, no three-dimensional characters, and no ambition to be even mildly entertaining. The entire enterprise is nothing more than a sales pitch, filmed by people who had no interest in what they were doing, and who seemed to take the attitude that, "Hey, people won't realize what a stinker this is until they've already paid admission."

There is nothing to like about this movie, nothing. The unfinished outline of a plot is completely unoriginal. The acting made me wonder if any of these people had ever acted before, or indeed, if they were even being directed. In many scenes the evil henchman are grinning and chuckling. Not in a diabolical or threatening way mind you, but like they've had a drink too many and everything seems funny to them. Maybe the director had to get them plowed so they would appear in this slop.

Moving on; the dialogue, at least the parts of it I could hear, was totally lame brained. It also wasn't clear how one scene led to another. You could probably switch around half the scenes and it wouldn't make any less sense. And there is no attempt to develop any of the characters. Not Batwoman, not any of her scantily-clad, dim-witted batgirls, not the evil Rat Fink (where do they get these names anyway?) and certainly not the obligatory mad scientist.

There has to be a mad scientist of course, to make diabolical weapons like a drug that makes people dance endlessly, or a nuclear device contained in a hearing aid. That's right, a hearing aid. I'm pretty sure a device of that size wouldn't hold enough fissile material for a bomb, but scientific impossibilities are the least of this movie's problems.

Take for example an early scene where one of the batgirls allows herself to picked up at a bar. They've barely driven a block before another guy gets in at an intersection; it's a kidnapping. Fortunately, she has her two-way wrist communicator, and the other girls can hear everything that's happening to her. This creates hope that they'll follow her to the hideout and arrest the villains. But no, all this is so the villains can threaten to kill the girl unless Batwoman surrenders herself to them. This she does, and it's due more to dumb luck than any skill or planning on her part that she escapes.

Film is of course, a highly visual medium. Whoever made this one either didn't know that, or more likely didn't care. The primary feeling we get when looking at this picture is cheapness. The photography is all in drab black and white, at a time when even moderately expensive TV shows were switching to color. There are no sets, as such. It would seem that the movie was shot 'on location' at a bar, a warehouse, the nearest public beach, and a large, single story home, possibly that of the director. Costumes are equally dismal. Batwoman's costume is on par with those at a middle school play, with the overuse of feathers making her appear closer to a crow than a bat. Rat Fink, draped head to toe in black cloth, looks like some kind of evil Zorro.

Come to think of it, I believe those are the exact words Tom Servo used to describe him. Yes reader, I cheated. Rather than subject myself to the original film, I watched the MST3K version. Even then, I must confess that I did not finish it, because it was getting late and I had class the next morning. Joel and the 'bots have managed to make The Wild World of Batwoman watchable, even mildly amusing, but this must have taken a great deal of effort. Batwoman is a film made solely to make money, by someone who was unwilling to spend much toward that end.

I refrain from giving it no stars only because it could not get me worked up to that level of hatred, but rather bored me to a level of total indifference.

Wind River (2017)

A Suspensil, Somber, and Unflinching Mystery Thriller

[8/10 · 5 May 2020]

Writer-Director Taylor Sheridan has gone three for three. After delivering the brilliant screenplays for Sicario and Hell or High Water, he's shown that he has the chops to direct as well with this tightly wound, darkly atmospheric mystery suspense thriller.

The setup is simple enough. A native woman is found dead on frozen on a reservation, with clear indications that she was victim of foul play. Local Fish and Wildlife tracker Cory Lambert teams with newly arrived FBI agent Jane Banner and the reservation police to solve the case. It's not the most complicated of stories. But it's the depth and complexity with which the story is told that make it something special.

The acting and characterization are brilliant. Jeremy Renner delivers what may be his best performance since The Hurt Locker as Lambert. We can instantly tell that he's a master hunter and tracker, deadly as the predators he hunts. Cory is a man who knows the land so well and is so good at what he does that the local Indians practically consider him one of their own. Yet he never lapses into the cliché of the emotionless, near superhuman action hero, or the "White Indian" archetype. He carries the weight of years, experience, and deep loss with him, but Renner plays him a likeable, almost ordinary guy.

As agent Banner Olsen is tough, plucky, determined, and more than a bit out of her element. When we first meet her, she's lost, completely unprepared for the cold, and manages to offend the first person she interviews. The other characters' first response- and ours- is to question what the FBI was thinking when it sent her. But it's soon apparent that even as a fish out of water she has good instincts and is relentless when pursuing a case. And when the shooting starts she is a total badass.

Wind River is driven by suspense as much as its characters, and it delivers here as well. The pacing is classic slow burn; deliberately slow but tense, punctuated with moments of heart pounding action. As Agents Lambert and Banner follow each lead there's a growing sense of looming danger. No sooner is one mystery solved than another takes its place. And when the tension finally breaks the action is absolutely stunning in its intensity.

As with Sheridan's previous works, this film also has a powerful sense of authenticity: that the filmmakers have an intimate knowledge of the setting and show it as it is. And the picture they paint of life on the reservation is disquietingly bleak. In every direction there's nothing but inhospitable frozen wastes. A palpable sense of poverty and desperation hang in the air. Add the fact that there are only a handful of officers with virtually no resources to police an area the size of Rhode Island and it's not surprising that some people don't put much faith in, or have much respect for the law.

Wind River is also notable for the emphasis it places on the grieving process. At every stage of the investigation, Cory is haunted by the memory of his own loss. The grief is always there, just below the surface when it's not welling up into the open. The rawer, overwhelming anguish of the victim's parents is also front and center. Yet for all the focus on sadness it never feels forced or mopey. The impression is one of real people dealing with real loss. And rather than the usual platitudes about healing with time and learning to live again, Wind River offers starkly honest admissions that the pain will never go away, and what matters is how you deal with it.

Wind River isn't quiet the masterpiece that Hell or High Water was, nor is it as action packed as Sicario. But it's still a tightly wound, exceptionally deep mystery thriller that boasts strong central characters and compelling performances. Definitely worth checking out for fans of the genre.

X: First Class (2011)

A First Class Origin Story

[8/10 · 5 May 2020]

X-Men First Class is just the thing to set the X-Men franchise back on solid ground. With strong acting, first rate action scenes, excellent directing, and more and better character development than the average popcorn flick, First Class puts the X-Men brand back on solid footing.

With a title like First Class, this movie is obviously a prequel, taking us back to the X-Men's beginnings. The story follows Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and Erik Lensherr, aka Magneto (Michael Fassbender) through the experiences that would make them the characters we recognize from later years. They're opposed by long time villain Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon), who in this version was the Nazi scientist who experimented on Erik in the death camps. Now he's hatched a plot to create a new "master race' of mutants, one that does not bode well for humanity. Also included are Xavier's colleague Moria McTaggart, X-Men stalwarts Beast and Banshee, and fan favorites Emma Frost and Mystique.

The story is very good overall, even if veers quite a bit from that established in the comics. (Mystique as Charles's adopted sister?) I very much enjoyed the Cold War tensions and the alternate explanation for the Cuban Missile Crisis. I enjoyed even more the time spent on the main characters. Charles has lived a privileged life. His telepathic abilities have given him a deep empathy, and he is guided by the belief that he and other mutants will gain acceptance by using their gifts for the good of mankind. Towards this end, he joins the CIA's paranormal division aid in the fight with Shaw, and to recruit promising talent.

Erik has had a very different experience. The first manifestation of his powers took place upon entering a Nazi concentration camp, and in the following years he learned to harness that power by using his fear and anger. Now he is driven by a desire for revenge against those who wronged him, chief among them Sebastian Shaw. He's also filled with the belief, not unfounded, that what happened to his people will happen again to mutants. The difference in the pair's worldview is summed up in brief exchange over chess. Erik "You think that all the humans are like Moria" Charles "And you think their all like Shaw."

Plus the movie finds time to explore Mystique's insecurities and clinging need for love and acceptance, plus Beast's struggle with the well... beastly nature of his powers. Each member of the team is a well defined individual, with recognizable traits, rather than a mere stock character. And the filmmakers never forget that most of these people are practically kids. There are plenty of budding romances, and some rather ill-timed parties. Even Charles is a rather smooth talker around the ladies, and knows how to have a good time, which will come as something of a surprise to those who know only the serious, wizened Professor X.

I must confess that I didn't recognize any of the actors on sight, with the exception of Bacon, but I expect we'll be seeing much more of them in the future. They effortlessly fill their roles as idealist, conflicted future super villain, brilliant but awkward scientist, and more, and they bring a touch of believability to utterly fantastic scenarios. I would give McAvoy especially high marks. Without an actor of his skill, this film's version of Charles Xavier would never have worked.

The fight scenes are well done, and feature some non-obvious uses for the hero's powers. And there are some truly inspired visuals, particularly the one with the sub (You'll know it when you see it.) I will caution you that this isn't a movie for small children. There are some very frightening bits at the beginning and end, and most fanboys can tell you that where Emma Frost is involved, things are rarely family friendly.

For most audiences however, I would highly recommend X-Men First Class. It's action packed, often funny, and delivers on the excitement. But what lifts it above most similar offerings is the insight it brings to human nature and the lesson it brings about overcoming our basic instincts to truly prove that we are the better men.

Miami Connection (1987)

Hilarious Bad and Gloriously Insane

[5/10 · 4 May 2020]

Now I know what you're all thinking. No, despite what the title may suggest, Miami Connection not a rip off of the French Connection. It's much, much crazier. You see, this movie tells the timeless (read, only in the 80's) tale of a martial arts rock band battling a gang of motorcycle ninjas who are taking over Miami's narcotics trade. That story. Think Chinese Connection meets Scarface and maybe a Chuck Norris movie, with lots of bad original music.

The stars of this show are Dragon Sound, the aforementioned rock and roll band. In addition to being in a band together, they also attend the same college, teach at the same dojo, share the same apartment, and just happen to all be orphans. They're practically brothers! Hence the frequent lectures about the importance of brotherhood and friendship. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if most of them were actual college buddies who signed up for the movie together, since none of them can act and only one of them can do martial arts particularly well.

Not that the other characters are much better. The ninjas and their leader are threatening enough, but few of them can act either. You'll also notice pretty quick that everyone in this movie talks like an awkward teenager or a douchebag frat bro. Which many of them probably are, given that much of this movie is shot around the University of Central Florida. Yes, aside from a few beach scenes, none of this movie was shot anywhere near Miami. It's actually the Orlando connection.

Now you've probably already guessed this, but none of the plot makes sense. For instance, the band introduces their new "hit" song, Against the Ninja, before they've fought or even met any ninjas. And even though the bad guys are killing people and dealing drugs all across town, most of the conflict is over who the villain's sister is dating and which band got the weekend gig at the local club. The guys in Dragon Sound honestly don't seem to be aware that the ninjas are killing off all the other drug gangs.

Perhaps it's understandable that the plot would be minimal, since most of it is just an excuse for martial arts fights and rock numbers. Only the fights are nuts, and the music sucks. By nuts, I mean the fights are a mix of fairly competent martial arts and random flailing, interspersed with some of the most over the top screaming and bizarre facial expressions you've ever seen. Most of them involve all of the good guys fighting a whole mob of ninjas or random thugs, so the director frequently loses control of the action, until everything degenerates into a giant free form brawl. Add in some massive spurts of the fakest blood possible, and it's just hilariously insane..

There's nothing glorious about the music though. It's just the most awful, watered down hair metal you can imagine. You can't even understand half the words. Winger rocked harder and had better lyrics than these guys. But hey, it adds to the overall goofiness and fits pretty well with the rest of the movie. This whole thing is just such an insane, hilarious mess, from the ridiculously violent opening scene to the jaw dropping end tital card. It's a bad movie in every respect, but it's a very fun bad movie. Be sure to check out the Rifftrax version.

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

The Ultimate X-Men Flick

[10/10 · 22 April 2020]

Both prequel and sequel to the original X-Men trilogy, Days of Future Past is epic entertainment that incorporates all the best elements of the previous films and brings the mythos of the comics to adrenaline pumping life.

You may wonder how a movie can be a sequel and a prequel at the same time.. The short answer (I doubt there is a simple one) is that in the near future earth has been reduced to a dystopian wasteland in which robotic sentinels have enslaved mankind and hunted mutants to the brink of extinction, and the only way to defeat them is to prevent them from being created. So one man must go back to 1973 to change the past so that all can have a better future. And it's going to be a hell of a lot harder then he could have imagined.

The plot is obviously somewhat more complex than that of the average superhero action flick, and I haven't even begun to get into the really complicated parts with people's past and future selves meeting and the questions about the nature of time itself. This story could easily have ended up convoluted and badly disjointed, and trying to explain it here is rather difficult, but when you see it on screen it all makes perfect sense, or at least as much sense as anything with time travel does. Beyond merely being coherent, the story also brings serious depth and a good degree of unpredictability.

A story is of course only as good as the characters that fill it, and Days of Future Past is filled with excellent characters, brought to life by some of the best actors in Hollywood. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender made tremendous impressions as young Xavier and Magneto in First Class, and if anything they're even better here. Last time McAvoy was highly impressive as Xavier the wealthy and gifted playboy. Now he is absolutely brilliant as Xavier the tortured, substance abusing genius living in the ruins of his dreams. He brings remarkable pathos to the role, and watching him regain his ideals and his purpose is an inspiring experience.

Fassbender likewise distinguishes himself, his intelligence, intensity, and personal magnetism (pun intended) evident in every scene. As Magneto he knows that his actions have and will continue to cause suffering and death for many and that people consider him a monster, yet he is firm in his belief that he is only doing what is absolutely necessary, which lends him a twisted nobility even as it makes him all the more dangerous. Jennifer Lawrence also matches her previous performance as Mystique, with her inner turmoil over her identity and nature as fresh and as relatable as ever. Between Xavier's idealism and Magneto's anger, she is torn between choices which could set herself, and all mankind, down very different and irreversible paths.

While their time on screen is relatively brief, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen nonetheless bring a commanding presence which affects the tone of the entire film. Yet as great as these actors are, the real star of this movie is the guy with the claws. After six times playing the role that made him famous, Hugh Jackman has truly perfected Wolverine. Like he's fond of saying, he is the best at what he does and what he does isn't very pretty. Only this time he can't just claw his way to victory. As the one man with full knowledge of what the future holds, he has to be diplomat and leader, pushing people who are at their very lowest to work together to save the future even as his own past continues to haunt him.

Lest this review give the impression that Days of Future past is all deep themes and character development, this is an action blockbuster, and it is an awesome one. The effects, both practical and CGI, are amazing. The sentinels are gorgeous, in a frightening robotic way, and the filmmaker's have come up with an even more impressive display of Magneto's powers than when he hoisted the submarine in the last movie. The battles are exciting and well choreographed, and find a number of creative uses for the various mutants'' powers. I especially enjoyed the scenes with young Quicksilver, which were clever, visually stunning, and utterly hilarious.

Days of Future Past is the kind of summer movie that delivers in every way. It's smart, deep, well acted, well paced, suspenseful, action packed, and something of an emotional roller coaster to boot. Familiarity with the source material will bring greater appreciation but even those who have never opened a comic book will enjoy it. This movie is so good it literally wipes away the memory of weaker entries in the series. May is not yet out, but I feel safe in saying that the best movie of the summer is here.

Yojimbo (1961)

The Slickest of Samurai Flicks

[9/10 · 22 April 2020]

A scruffy, mysterious stranger with no name and no past enters a town ruled by feuding gangs. Joining one faction, then the other, he plays the two sides off each other, leading to a violent confrontation in which both are utterly destroyed. And when the dust settles, he gathers the spoils and rides on. No, this isn't a rip-off of Sergio Leone's Fistful of Dollars, this was Leone's inspiration. And as wonderful as 'Dollars' was, Yojimbo is even better.

In this movie, Kurosawa isn't trying to be deep or highbrow, he only wants to entertain. On second thought, that's not entirely true. For some time, Kurosawa's critics had derided his work as 'too western,' a charge that I as an American am not qualified to comment on. Well Kurosawa decided to show them just how western he could be, drawing heavily from those most American of genres, the western and the gangster movie. And the results were brilliant. It may not have the grandeur of Seven Samurai, the emotional depth of Ikuru, or the complexity of Rashoman, but what it lacks in these qualities it makes up for in wit, style, and action.

Sanjuro (the name the mysterious samurai gives himself) is one of Kurosawa's most interesting characters, despite, or perhaps because, he is among the least realistic. Quite simply, he's too good to be true. He fights like a whirlwind, effortlessly slicing his way through his opponents like the villain in a mad slasher movie, minus the gore. And he's cleverer than any man has a right to be. He strategizes like a chess master, pitting his enemies against each other without their knowledge, so that he can pick off the winner. And if the desired confrontation doesn't materialize, he creates a new plan, finds a new center of leverage to send them clawing at each other again.

He's almost reminiscent of Blofeld in From Russia with Love- which brings up the point that he's not exactly the traditional hero. He's no villain; more than once he takes great personal risks to help those in need. But at the same time, he gives no thought to honor, serves no master but himself, and even when he commits the aforementioned kind acts it serves his own ends. Of course he's a saint compared to the bad guys. The crime lords, bandits, and gamblers who run the town are ruthless, double timing cowards, men without any redeeming value, in short, caricatures. But much like a Bond movie, this only adds to the fun. After all, you wouldn't want the audience feeling sorry for them when they're slaughtered.

And leaving out believable characters helps turn the drama to comedy, which Yojimbo is, at least in part. Though the visuals are bleak and the bodies pile up at an alarming rate, the chief reaction is one of amusement, even humor. The comical supporting characters of the barkeep and the carpenter don't hurt either, nor do Toshiro Mifune's quips and one-liners. He really does a bang up job of acting here. As incredible as his character is, he really brings him to life, showing wit to rival Roger Moore and a sense of ironic detachment that would make Steve McQueen proud. Clint Eastwood's screen persona surely owes a lot Mifune's work here.

Yojimbo is an absolutely wonderful blend of genres and styles that will leave you entertained from beginning to end. It's got laughs, great action, wit and charm aplenty, and all the polish and production values one would expect from a perfectionist like Kurosawa. This may not be his best film, but it's still the kind that most directors only wish they could make. Unless you're one of those poor souls who can't stand to read through a movie, find a copy of Yojimbo. You'll be glad you did.

Zombieland: Double Tap (2019)

A Heartfelt, Mostly Satisfying Sequel

[7/10 · 22 April 2020]

Ten years ago, Zombieland reinvented the zombie genre. Or more properly, it crossed it with the classic road movie, to hilarious and grisly effect. Now we get to see what's become of Columbus, Tallahassee, Wichita, and Little Rock ten years later, and it's a pretty fun ride.

Now for those of you who didn't see the first Zombieland, those are the main characters I'm referring to, not actual cities. Also, if you didn't see the first movie, go watch it. The beginning of this one will make more sense and you'll get way more of the jokes. Anyway, the first movie was about four strangers becoming a family. This one is about what happens when that family grows up and people start moving in their own directions. Our heroes are still mostly as we remember them, but it's interesting to see how their relationships have changed and how even as they've become closer each of them is beginning to chafe and long for something different.

One area where Double Tap is lacking in comparison to the original is the relative lack of gags that lampoon the zombie genre. Perhaps the numerous horror-comedies released over the past decade have mined that vein dry, but a few jokes at the expense of Resident Evil and 28 Days Later wouldn't have hurt. I was also a bit perplexed by the complete lack of twinkie jokes. Thankfully however, the Zombie Kill of the Week is still very much a thing, and our heroes' bickering is still as funny as ever. But by far the biggest laughs come from the new characters.

New girl Madison is, frankly, the most basic white girl in the history of cinema. Like, so totally basic that you expect the screen to like, explode in a wave of pumpkin spice lattes. Seriously, she's as ditzy and high maintenance as Paris Hilton, if slightly more capable of feeling empathy and other human emotions. It's truly a miracle she's survived. The same could be said for fellow newcomer Berkley, who in addition to being a pacifist, vegan hippie is also the biggest poser since the guys in Green Day. Or maybe even the guys in Milli Vanilli. These two walking caricatures would be seriously annoying if they weren't so hilarious.

On the other hand, Nevada (played by the one and only Rosario Dawson) is absolutely awesome. She's a zombie killing, Elvis loving, femme fatale with wit, charm, and smokin' hot looks. She's enough to make even Tallahassee rethink the whole 'loner' thing. Plus, there's also a pair of survivors who are, well, oddly reminiscent of certain people we know, from their looks to their speech to their idiosyncratic relationship.

The action is as good as ever, with lots of fast paced, well-staged gunplay and fight scenes, plus enough blood and guts to remind us that this is a horror movie. There are some excellent vehicular scenes, and the filmmakers actually managed to deliver an ending that matches the manic slaughter at Pacific Playland. Hell, it may even exceed it in terms of cleverness and total insanity.

Overall, Double Tap may not have the same impact that the original did, and maybe it's a little too content to follow its predecessor's formula. But still it makes for a satisfying follow up that delivers solid action, lots of laughs, and a few new twists. Plus the best mid credits scene since Deadpool 2. Really, it's that great. Stay through the ending.

Zombieland (2009)

The Cure for the Common Zombie Movie

[8/10 · 22 April 2020]

The film follows a geeky, somewhat neurotic college student known only by his destination of Columbus (Jesse Eisenburg) as he navigates his way across the abandoned, undead infested wasteland that used to be America. Despite his many phobias and some mildly OCD tendencies, he's managed to stay alive thanks to a set of rules that he lives by, including Rule #1- cardio, #2- the double tap, #4- buckle your seat belt, and #17- don't be a hero. Each of these is introduced bullet point style with hilariously grisly examples of what can happen when you fail to follow them. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that he never reaches rule #34.

Traveling with him through the deserted remnants of civilization is all around badass Tallahassee, played by the one of a kind Woody Harrelson. The thing to understand about Tallahassee is that he's a bit... off. Most people's first response when encountering a zombie is to kill it, but for Tallahassee, it's not just a matter of survival, it's his favorite hobby. And make no mistake; he's very good at killing zombies. In his hands even a banjo can be a lethal weapon. His one weakness and biggest obsession is that most American of foods, the Twinkie. He knows that somewhere out there is a box of Twinkies with his name on it, and he absolutely will not rest until he finds it.

Rounding out the cast are sisters Wichita and Little Rock, a pair of born grifters who make their living by their wits and trust no-one but each other. They're not too keen about working with Columbus and Tallahassee at first, but there's safety in numbers, and it's not like there's anyone else to scam or befriend, so soon the four find themselves LA bound on a post-apocalyptic cross-country road trip.

Like Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland has lots of fun lampooning the clichés of the genre, and blood and gore are used to side splitting effect. Never has the falling piano gag been as bloody or as funny as it is here. Columbus and Tallahassee's odd couple dynamic and continuous one-upmanship are also worth more than a few chuckles. And Bill Murray even appears for a fairly entertaining if all too short cameo. Where the laughs really come from though is Columbus's constant narration, which is like a workplace safety instructor crossed with a teenager's diary. It's kind of like those thought balloons in the comics, only more introspective and with more flashbacks.

Best of all is the climactic battle at the amusement park, which has all the stylized violence of a Resident Evil movie but with ten times the wit and originality. They've found more ways to incorporate carnival rides into zombie slaying then I ever would have thought possible, and the scene manages to be funny, frightening, and downright awesome at the same time. This is certainly not a kid's movie, but it's one hell of an action comedy, and the cure for the common zombie movie.

The Favourite (2018)

An Outrageous, Gleefully Offensive Comedy Masterpiece

[10/10 · 22 April 2020]

It is rare to find a film that is at once as highbrow and lowbrow as The Favorite. It's an almost stately period piece filled with the finest costumes and sets, as well as the most refined accents and outlandish wigs, which concerns itself with court intrigues and addresses matters such as parliamentary politics and the royal finances. It's also an outrageous, dirty minded, and sometimes downright lewd sex comedy not unlike the works of Jude Apatow. And this massive dichotomy is what makes it all so much fun.

The plot revolves around the fierce competition between cousins Sarah Churchill and Abigail Masham for the favor of an aging and increasingly addled Queen Anne. It all starts subtly and mostly innocently enough, but rapidly becomes more outlandish and deeply bitter until we're not sure everyone is going to come out alive. All boundaries of decency and believability are crossed well before the end, but that's half the fun.

It's notable that while there are certainly protagonists and antagonists, there is no-one who could be remotely describes as a hero or heroine. Aside from Queen Anne, who is extremely mercurial, rather needy, and increasingly detached from reality, practically everyone in this movie is ambitious, scheming, backstabbing, and incredibly petty, if not downright b*tchy. And it's a far more interesting movie for it. There is something fascinating and deeply shocking about watching these educated, wealthy, supposedly refined nobles constantly bickering, cursing like students at a public high school, and "romantically" pursuing each other with all the fervor and subtlety of drunken frat bros and sex starved sorority girls, while somehow maintaining a façade of genteel manners when anyone is looking. It's rather like a regency period Mean Girls.

And what girls they are. Emma Stone is in a rare form as Abigale. Intelligent, cultured, conniving, and utterly ruthless in her climb to the top, she's equally willing to betray her closest friend or jettison her own dignity, and we can't help but root for her most of the way. This may be her best performance to date. Rachel Weisz is also very good as Lady Sarah. Though not as outrageous or conniving as Abigale, she is extremely strong willed, resolute, and not at all above being a catty B when it suits her.

And Olivia Colman is priceless as Queen Anne. Capricious yet oddly stubborn, she's begging for attention and affection one moment, then erupting into mad tantrums the next. She would be a petty tyrant if she had the ruthlessness to be tyrannical. Instead she's like that rich, crazy old great aunt that everyone in the family has to pretend to like. Or perhaps an unruly toddler who must be very carefully coddled to sleep. And her comedic timing is impeccable. Just when you think she's calmed down and the argument has passed, she says or does the darnedest things. The whole movie's like that really, delivering the biggest shocks and laughs with no warning.

From a historical standpoint, this is mostly utter nonsense. But for a comedy which makes no claim of historical accuracy, this is hardly a problem. What I do consider a problem is the unfortunate inclusion of the "fruit throwing" scene. At the very least it could have involved better looking people, perhaps with more clothes. And admittedly it does get a bit slow in one patch towards the end. But those are very minor faults

This is a very unconventional blend of elements which easily could have pushed the film apart into a disjointed mess full of wild tonal shifts. Or overemphasis on any one part could have dragged it down into overwrought soap opera clichés or boring crassness, like the recent Sherlock Holmes spoof. But instead the filmmakers and cast have carefully walked the tightrope, delivering results that are oft fascinating and wildly funny. I don't know why this didn't win best comedy at the Globes, because it surely should have.

Ad Astra (2019)

A Fascinating Journey to the Center of the Mind

[8/10 · 16 April 2020]

If you're looking just for another fun sci-fi adventure movie, you might want to look elsewhere, because Ad Astra isn't it. It's something so much richer and deeper on an intensely personal level, like First Man meets Kubrick's 2001. There are certainly thrills and action, but it's the inner drama that truly drives the affair and makes it compelling.

If you've seen the trailers then you know that Brad Pitt stars as astronaut Roy McBride, on a secret mission discover the fate of his father's long-lost expedition, at great danger to himself. I can't say much more without spoilers, except that there's much more going on than he realizes, and not everyone is what they seem. At times the film is almost dystopian, with its references to wars back on earth, the almost menacing secrecy of Roy's superiors, and the frequent "psychological evaluations" that seem like something out of Equilibrium or Blade Runner. Though later we find out that maybe there's a very good reason for them.

Ad Astra is of course deeply psychological and emotional, in the best way possible. We get frequent glimpses inside Roy's mind and are kept intimately in touch with his increasingly conflicted emotional state, especially as it relates to his semi-legendary, long absent father. Perhaps as important as his completion of the mission are his emotional development and his struggles to stay sane in the vast solitude of space. Perhaps I'm giving a bit away here, but it really is inspiring to see Roy open up, and step out of his father's shadow to become his own man. All of this may be driven home a little too hard, but never to the point of becoming sappy or mopey.

This is in large part due to Pitt's excellent performance. His acting is incredibly restrained in comparison to his usual work. It's kind of amazing how a performance so purposely emotionless can be so engaging. But the subtle nuances make it work, while his gradually increasing displays of emotion (and serious ups and downs) keep us engaged. It really is a masterpiece of minimalism. Tommy Lee Jones also leaves a strong impression as Roy's father, H. Clifford McBride, who we see mainly in snippets of flashbacks and old recordings.

Ad Astra is a gorgeous movie, in terms of cinematography, editing, and special effects. The long panoramas of outer space and the scenes of the lunar surface easily on par with 2001 or Interstellar, while the frantic zero gravity sequences are the best since, well, Gravity. Between the seeming weightlessness of the actors and the objects around them, the utter absence of background noise, and the stark lighting contrast, every frame of the EVA and lunar sequences looks like they were shot in outer space.

This movie also has some very good action and really knows how to generate suspense. The moon buggy sequence ranks up there with some of Hollywood's best, tensest car chases, and the distress signal scene is deeply unnerving and kind of terrifying. Other parts, like a certain launch sequences, are nail biting, down to the last second affairs. Then there are some action scenes that would sound utterly ridiculous if I were to describe them here, but which absolutely work.

All in all, Ad Astra is many things. A suspenseful, if occasionally slow, deep space sci-fi thriller. A technical triumph and visual tour de force. A nuanced character study, buoyed by one of Pitt's best performances. And at heart Ad Astra a meditation on how we handle our emotions, how we deal with our most difficult relationships, and about knowing when to let go, and when to let people in. And it's beautiful.

The Killer Shrews (1959)

The Epitome of "So Bad It's Good"

[6/10 · 15 April 2020]

The phrase "so bad it's good" gets thrown around a lot. Yet few movies embody this phenomenon more perfectly that The Killer Shrews, which is both one of the most pathetic low budget horror quickies of the 1950s and a minor masterpiece off unintentional comedy.

The title alone should give you fair warning that this is going to be a doozy. Shrews are of course, one of the smallest, most harmless animals in existence. So how can something barely the size of your thumb be a terrifying killer? Simple: an oh so dramatic opening narration informs us that shrews are actually one of nature's most voracious carnivores, eating nearly their own weight in insects every day to keep up with incredibly high metabolism. So, when a science experiment that was supposed to solve overpopulation by lowering their metabolism (or something like that) instead makes them grow to the size of large dogs, you get a ravenous swarm of deadly predators.

Terrifying right? Or at least it would be if it wasn't painfully obvious that the giant shrews are just dogs draped with rugs, or atrocious hand puppets in close-up shots. Now when I say painfully obvious, I mean that there is no way on earth that anyone with a pair of semi-functioning eyes could mistake them for anything other than dogs. And the effect is absolutely hilarious. Far from being frightened, you'll want to give these "shrews" belly rubs. At several points I wished our heroes would throw a tennis ball to distract them. The jokes practically write themselves every time the dogs appear on screen, which is quite often.

Nor is this the only source of comedy in this movie. I mentioned our "heroes" a moment ago. The only remotely heroic character in this story is the semi-dashing, semi-hickish skipper Thorne Sherman. He's delivering a load of supplies to the Isle of Shrews, (not its actual name) where he meets eccentric scientist Dr. Milo Craigis, his pretty but rather empty-headed daughter Ann, and her creeper boyfriend Jerry, whose job on the island is never explained, plus the doctor's high strung, bookish lab assistant, and Mario, who fills the duel roles of handyman and Mexican stereotype.

And speaking of ethnic stereotypes, the doctor has an incredibly thick accent that makes it impossible to understand half of what he says. Seriously, "killer shrews" keeps coming out as killer shoes. I think his accent is supposed to be German, because of course a mad scientist in a fifties B-movie would be German.

If the skipper is our hero, then the villain is Jerry, who in addition to being an all-around jerk is also a possessive, insanely jealous, cowardly drunk. One can only guess why prolific country singer and western actor Ken Curtis (who also produced this film) would agree to play such an unlikable character. Much is made of his heavy drinking, but the sad truth is that everyone in this movie is functionally alcoholic.

Practically every indoor scene is framed around someone getting a drink from the mini-bar. Time for some long-winded exposition? Let's explain things over cocktails. Need to steady your nerve after a shrew attack? Have some gin! It's been more than five minutes since anyone had a drink? Have another drink! The people in this movie spend more time standing around, talking, and drinking than they do battling the shrews. You could make a drinking game out of the constant boozing in this movie, but you probably wouldn't be conscious by the end.

Eventually though, the drinking does end, and in the grand finale, our heroes manage to escape the hordes of deadly shrews through a scheme that's lame brained even by B-movie standards. I dare you not to laugh at the sight of it. Yet even that pales in comparison to an earlier scene in which a character who's been bitten by a shrew sits down at a typewriter and types out all the symptoms he's experiencing, in detail, until the minute he falls over dead. Yes, they actually put that in the movie.

So in summary, this movie is uniformly cheap, totally lackluster in terms of acting, direction, story, pacing, and visuals, but ultimately saved by its hilariously effects and the crippling alcoholism of its protagonists. Killer Shrews is the kind of movie that can only result from people with no budget, little experience, and an extremely tight schedule doing the best they could with what they had. And it's so bad, so utterly, ludicrously inept that in its own way it achieves a kind of campy greatness. I highly recommend the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, which is my favorite episode of the entire series. Or you could grab some friends, open some brews, and pop in the original. The jokes will write themselves.

Uncut Gems (2019)

A True Diamond in Rough

[9/10 · 4 January 2020]

An Oscar Worthy performance from Adam Sandler. The very idea seems utterly ludicrous, like a kind, caring Nazi, or Trump and Hillary having a friendly dinner together. If you had told me a year ago that there would be serious awards show buzz around Adam freaking Sandler, I would have told you that you were out of your damned mind. And yet this is exactly what Uncut Gems delivers.

The performance in question is Sandler's portrayal of high-strung, freewheeling Jewish jewelry dealer Howard Ratner. By all reasoning Howard should be on top of the world. He runs one of the most exclusive jewelry stores in New York, selling bling to rappers and pro athletes. He's got a fancy house on Long Island with a beautiful wife and three kids, plus a swanky apartment with an even prettier young mistress. And he's right on the brink of the biggest deal of his career; auctioning a rock full of uncut Ethiopian black opals. Life should be good.

Except that none of his employees or business partners can stand him, his wife is filing for divorce, and he's up to his ears in gambling debts that are long past due and he can't pay off. Which is why all of his hopes and dreams are riding on this set of opals. Which makes it all the more inexplicable that he chooses to loan it out to Celtics power forward Kevin Garnett- who promptly drops off the radar, leaving Howard to desperately search for his gems while fending off loan sharks and juggling irate family members, impatient clients, and all the other drama in his life. The result is a frantic, chaotic, frequently nail-biting, sometimes claustrophobic, but always fascinating mashup of a movie.

Now it's no wonder that almost no-one in Howard's life can stand him. He is so abrasive; so loud and shrill and short tempered. He has no filter, no chill, no good judgement. He just can't stop mouthing off, getting people's faces, pushing away and pissing off everyone around him. And above all, no matter how deeply in debt he is, he just cannot stop making bets with other people's money. He's hurtling to his doom, pushing pedal to the metal the whole time, and he's the only one who can't see it.

Sandler plays all of this perfectly. He makes Howard utterly pathetic yet deeply sympathetic, unlikeable yet somehow endearing, and always relatable. And yes, as with most of Sandler's roles, he can be very annoying. But this time he's annoying on purpose, and in all the right ways. Watching the utter mess that is his life playing out, you find yourself rooting for him in spite of yourself. You desperately want for his luck to turn around, and for him to break free of his self-destructive cycle, even as you know deep down that it will never happen.

I deeply hope that this marks the beginning of a new chapter in Sandler's career. I pray that we will see him in more productions like this. This movie is proof positive that given the right material and a serious director who won't let him phone it in or pull any of his usual BS, Adam Sandler can do brilliant work, so here's to more of it.

It really is amazing that a movie about such a BS spewing phony can be so authentic. Harold is living in an utter fantasy world of his own making, yet every minute of this movie is so raw and unfiltered. The cutthroat world of the diamond trade, the sleazy, drug fueled club scene, the bookies, loan sharks, and collections men, even the human cost of the mining industry are all shown in unflinching detail. It can be hard to watch, but boy is it ever real.

That's not to say that parts of this movie aren't incredibly stylized. This is a movie that knows how to do montages and quick cuts, showing us dazzling gems from every possible angle. The nightclub scenes are a swirling, vertigo inducing kaleidoscope of light and sound, and the opening sequence of the camera zooming in ever closer on the opal is like a cross between a motion simulator ride and an acid trip.

As much as Sandler's performance, it's suspense that drives this production, and oh how the Safdie brothers know how to pile it on. The entire movie is laced with increasing tension as time runs ever shorter for Howard to find his opal, and the threats from the collection men get more frequent and less veiled. Then the final act ratchets it up to pure, edge of your seat suspense- and turns Uncut Gems into a full-on sports movie.

And that's where things really get brilliant. Every play, every basket will have you on the edge of your seat. With so much riding on the outcome, you'll be invested in every moment of gameplay, which is all the better for being actual NBA game footage. And my goodness, this ending. I thought that after everything I'd seen so far, nothing would shock me, but man was I wrong. When it comes, it feels inevitable and yet truly surprising, which is no mean feat.

This movie is a huge achievement, both for Sandler and the Safdie brothers. It's not a movie for the squeamish or easily offended. It isn't always pleasant or even comfortable to watch. But it is absolutely spellbinding and brilliant on so many levels. It's one of the year's best movies, and hopefully a sign of things to come.