ETZ_Critic Reviews

Half Past Dead (2002)

Way Past Dead is more like it

[1/10 · 20 November 2022]

Coming from the same studio as Battlefield Earth should have been a red flag back in 2002 thanks to the failure of that movie. Granted, Franchise Pictures was also involved in The Whole Nine Yards, which may very well be Jonathan Lynn's funniest movie, but Half Past Dead is still only able to offer one moment of awesome: which is when a machine gun gets stuck in a door and is kicked back at its attackers by Steven Seagal's Sasha Petrosevitch.

Unfortunately, Half Past Dead is otherwise filled to the brim of underwhelming action scenes, pathetic acting, and a relatively bland soundtrack that is at the very least is consistent with a plot that rarely looks like it is even trying to make sense.

Fantastic Four (2015)

I don't need to be a fan of the source material to say this movie sucks

[1/10 · 6 May 2022]

Recently, I've had some admittedly harsh ideas as to why all of the main characters in Chronicle are boys... and that's because Josh Trank doesn't seem to be completely understanding of a woman's dignity. This would explain why Kate Mara is more likely to shine in scenes that Trank clearly had nothing to do with.

That's not to say the movie's inability to develop characters properly ends there. Not when Reed Richards is a loner to the point where Ben Grimm is almost his only ally. Ben's reason for it seems to be on account of the break he gets from a stereotypical big brother bully played by Tom Hanks' son, Chet. As for the scene that features Chet, I don't think Rita Wilson's entire screen time in Jingle All the Way is quite as mean spirited and unwatchable.

Not even a blissfully ignorant teacher saying "Take your magic trick to Vegas, you disqualified dimwit" is enough for me to feel bad for Reed, due to the excuse said teacher was probably using to make Reed pay for damage at a science fair. Reed Richards even causes more extensive damage to New York City when he and a few buddies fiddle with a teleportation device that clearly was not made for him or his overgrown spoiled brat of an associate Victor, whose later role as a villain is way too forced.

To make Richards even less relatable than I'd find him in the other media I've seen so far, Miles Teller deliberately phones in his acting left and right while Michael B. Jordan, Reg Carthey, and Tim Blake Nelson at least seem like they're trying to shine.

The Curse of Inferno (1997)

Pretty forgettable

[2/10 · 27 April 2022]

This crime comedy establishes itself as such with two amateur bank robbers using flashcards to remind themselves what to say when they hold up a bank. Then, in one of the most ironic turns of events I've ever seen in my entire life, a more organized duo of robbers make their move after the amateur robbers have gotten more money than expected.

One of the punks, Chuck, is surprisingly successful at hiding the loot in the bank restroom before using a gunshot injury to look innocent.

This fails to impress me due to the questions real life cops are likely to maintain. Although this is set in a small town that might not have heard of stories where criminals injure themselves to look innocent, I for one have heard such stories, at least one of which occurred in March of 1996, by which time Pauly Shore's charisma had become a thing of the past, thanks to Bio-Dome.

Despite proving more watchable at the very least, this movie does nothing to salvage that charisma.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

A Review Written on Behalf of Roger Ebert

[1/10 · 18 January 2020]

A setting on the moon? Alright. Anti-gambling propaganda? Why not? Because the film's central character is hardly more moral than Four Fingers from Snatch. If anything, Pluto Nash is hornier than the cast of Snatch combined.

Snatch was definitely a movie with much more story than feminine innuendo (probably because few women appeared in the movie). Pluto Nash however is some guy who is perverted in ways that I draw the line...

For instance, this robot maid is designed by him so she can constantly drop things. And his favorite part is watching the maid bend over to pick it up... especially when he gets to stand behind her. In another instance, he talks about how the female lead needs her body improved. The term "improved" is best used loosely given that the female lead - being played by Rosario Dawson - is already curvaceous.

Dawson's character, Dina, is one of the only two characters with whom I can sympathize - the other being the holographic chauffeur of a car that Pluto steals, crashes, and leaves deserted in the middle of nowhere! Half the lines that John Cleese was given to work with there make said chauffeur somewhat amusing, so sympathy is easier.

Pluto gets away with all these sins because he was trying to put an end to gambling... which can be compared to how a stockbroker works!!

The villain may not be worth rooting for either, but being a clone - which is about as legal in this movie as it is in The 6th Day - has all the reason possible to make himself mysterious. And killing people to keep it that way is the only crime this villain actually commits.

Those elements combined with characters that are quite underdeveloped (if they were even developed at all) leave this move lacking in both style and substance. If you want to find either one of those, John Powell's musical score is the only thing that can suffice. Eddie Murphy's career didn't die immediately from this flop, but as far as that downward trajectory goes, this was definitely the beginning.

Left Behind (I) (2014)

God Help Cage

[1/10 · 20 November 2019]

This film's concept of the apocalypse involves people's clothes being left while the people themselves disappear. If that sounds original to you, then you clearly have never seen Vanishing on 7th Street. That movie leaves a lot of questions unanswered, but at the very least remains chilling and original - sort of like a sheet with numbers and disaster predictions. That plot element is the only thing original about Knowing, but the only originality this movie didn't leave behind was a question of how a short man drives a car. That joke is a diamond the size of a pumpkin seed. And a seed in the Grand Canyon at that. The worst part is that two thirds of the canyon are full of skunk excrement, instead of any story or pace whatsoever!!!

That's how Left Behind must be looked at if the good lord will allow you into heaven.

50/50 (2011)

A Major Disappointment

[2/10 · 5 July 2019]

Summit Entertainment may be a successful studio, but Fly Me to the Moon is their most decent work. If there's anything about them I could observe by watching The Ghost Writer, it's that their interference tends to botch movies with massive potential. Sadly, 50/50 is no exception by a long shot. The premise: a young man is diagnosed with cancer and is told that he might survive. Cancer is without a doubt one of the most active diseases in movie history. So much so, that if anybody ever finds a cure, that person deserves the nobel prize. To see somebody survive makes for a unique concept. Unfortunately, the studio's interference turns it into its average snooze fest. The cast members do their best to make themselves 3-dimensional, but Seth Rogen is the only one to shine, let alone be amusing. At least no careers are ruined.

Scooby-Doo (2002)

Gut-wrenching Doesn't Even Cut It

[1/10 · 5 December 2017]

This atrocity had all the potential needed.

The budget exceeded $45 million, the costumes were as close to their source material as they could get (Granted, Daphne's costume was inaccurate, but that was probably the best they could do.), and the original theme tune was used.

Unfortunately, Matthew Lillard playing Shaggy for the first time is the only significant thing this movie has going for it as he was the only cast member who was even trying. It's a miracle he's improved on his pathetic performance in this flick.

The rest comes off as dark, boring, and disturbingly offensive. Episode II of Star Wars was released the same year as this disaster, but that movie was better without question. It didn't have a guy going into a girl's body and saying joyfully, "I can look at myself naked." That line is so perverted that not only am I ashamed to think about it myself, but it also undeniably makes this movie at least 1 trillion worse than the Star Wars prequels put together.

Chicken Little (2005)

Disney at its Complete Worst

[1/10 · 14 August 2017]

Chicken Little starts with the famous 'sky is falling' line, but that's all it has in common with the fairy tale. We soon see Chicken Little become picked on after the incident that started the story (but not the movie). After talented actors from Patrick Stewart to Wallace Shawn waste their time, Chicken Little decides to play baseball and wins a game, becoming a town hero. That night, something hits him on the head and turns invisible. He and his three friends, a duck, a fish, and a huge pig that's completely annoying, discover aliens who seemed to have destroyed other worlds. But as it turns out, these aliens are actually friendly and are on Earth for an ineffective reason. The other planets were just "not for them."

It's animation is completely lazy, nobody in the cast puts effort into their roles, and all brilliance is replaced with pop cultural references topped off by cinema's worst plot twist.

The ending is also horrible to sit through because all are seeing a movie that's not even close to what we just saw. And then, the characters all sing Ain't No Mountain High Enough and then Don't Go Breaking My Heart. And you wish it would just end, because Batman and Robin doesn't make us want to destroy ourselves with a wood chipper, but Chicken Little does!!!!!!

The Nut Job (I) (2014)

Only the humans in this movie are amusing

[1/10 · 30 June 2016]

In this trash that could only have hypnotized its voice cast in to delivering their lines, a banished squirrel stumbles onto a nut shop run by thugs, one of which bares too much resemblance to Judge Doom, who are planning to rob a bank nearby. Say what you will about that premise, but if you think Episode 1 of Star Wars is the worst film to feature Liam Neeson, I dare you to say this is any better. In return from him not caring, this film ruins Brendan Fraser's career when Furry Vengeance doesn't get enough criticism. Despite surprises, clear characters, and several funny moments from the thugs, this movie offers no effort in story line or neatness in animation. There are clichés, annoying characters, stale acting, and one of the worst movie soundtracks of all time. Sealing this film's legendary status as one of the worst ever is the use of Gangnam Style, which ruins the song's reputation. A true example of how animation isn't always good.