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Thunderball (1965)
The first bad Bond
In this turkey Bond has a fight scene with a guy in drag that destroys thousands of dollars worth of priceless artifacts. Then Bond takes the time to put flowers on the dead guy and wastes more time putting on a stupid helmet before escaping in a jet pack, almost allowing the bad guys to catch him. The guys have guns but for some reason can't hit him even though he's a really big slow moving target. If jet packs are real how come we don't have them 60 years later?
Then it's on to a health spa where Bond and a bad guy play battle of the exercise machines after which Bond forces himself onto his nurse. And that's just in the first 20 minutes. The bad guys are helpful enough to wear tattoos on their hands so they can be easily recognized. Don't get me started on the swimming pool full of sharks or the action scenes shot in fast forward.
The bad guy is played by the winner of the Italian Barney Rubble lookalike contest who says things like "this for hot these for cold" before torturing his girlfriend. The main chick is very bland and shows almost no emotion.
Half the movie takes place underwater or with Bond running around in a wet bathing suit. At least there's a hot sexy redhead with a big rack and Nassau sure was a pretty place in 1965.
Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Carbon Copy of the first film
Except for the locusts and the Richard Burton character and the African village up in the mountains and the Louise Fletcher character and the strange
octagonal children's hospital and the Ned Beatty character and the terrifying luxurious high-rise apartment condo and the fat guy who wears a bug hat and spits eggs and the hypnosis machine that makes your heart stop.
Linda Blair is back as the main character only this time she's the goodest girl ever so Satan's little helper Pazuzu decides to make her bad again and mess up her awful dance routine where she wears a top hat and a cane. The only good thing about it is Louise Fletcher looks hot here. At least it's not dreary and dull like Exorcist 3.
Hang 'Em High (1968)
Clint Takes on The Skipper
Clint makes an American Western for a change. After years of playing The Man With No Name, Clint tries a new character; The Man Who Can't Stop Boning Arlene Golonka.
Dennis Hopper has a 10-second cameo playing a crazy person (for once). Bruce Dern plays a bad guy and Pat Hingle is an angry hanging judge. Inger Stevens doesn't get to do much.
The best scene is the hanging party scene where the guy from Hawaii Five-O hangs a bunch of criminals in front of a whole town of onlookers. I guess this was considered entertainment back then. Pretty creepy. Another good scene is when Clint confronts the Skipper and let's him know he's not his little buddy.
Phobia (1980)
Phobiugh
This horror movie was directed by the legendary John Huston (best known as the star of the Visitor). There's a dude afraid of snakes, heights, a chick afraid of crowds (maybe she should move out of the city) and more. I found this movie enjoyable despite Paul Michael Glaser's hysterical overacting. It's also nice to see John Colicos play a likable fun-loving guy for once.
We get to see a nice looking chick naked and a cool snake scene. Also there's some Canadian cops and a dude falls off a high building (if he was afraid of heights then why was he even up there?
OK maybe it wasn't great but it's still easily John Huston's best movie.
Out of the Dark (1988)
Fake
Phone sex workers aren't all hot and sexy like the women here or they would be models and actresses. And the idea of a killer clown isn't very original either (John Wayne Gacy) but this is still a fine flick with smokin' chicks nude.
Cameron Dye looks like a cross between Andrew McCarthy and Quenton Tarantino. That weird little guy from Repo Man plays a cop as does Divine as the weirdest looking person ever. The movie wants us to think Bud Cort is the killer but he turns out to be innocent. But why does he have a pair of severed nipples in his file cabinet? And why does he try to kill the main chick when she finds them?
Night Visitor (1989)
Fright Day
This movie is a total ripoff of Fright Night except the neighbor isn't a vampire. There's even a black cop, played by Shaft, who doesn't believe the young hero with curly dark hair and the bad guy has a room mate or gay lover, played by Owen from Tango and Cash, who helps him murder hookers.
The hookers here are played by real life hooker Teri Weigel and semi-hooker Shannon Tweed. And we get Elliott Gould trying to bust Allen Garfield yet again. He's been trying to bust Garfield since 1973's Busting. The bad guy from The Burbs is in it too for a few seconds. Also there's cool rattlesnake. Essential viewing.
The Food of the Gods (1976)
Food of the Clods
This strange movie has former Redskins Quarterback Joe Theisman as a receiver named Morgan who goes to some Canada island to hunt wolverines or something. But some mayonaiise looking liquid makes animals grow really big. We get to see some giant rats eat TJ Hooker's dad and that guy from Hill Street Blues. Some wasps and chickens are also there to make life fun. Ralph Meeker's best ever performance too.
The rats are incredibly realistic. At times I was sure I was looking at actual real rats but this is pre-CGI Hollywood so I know that the rats were actually remote controlled animatronic robots with incredibly sophisticated guidance systems.
Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)
Goon River
America's most irritating actress in her most irritating role; as a redneck loser turned sleazy golddigger who scams men and abuses cats in NYC. Her idea of fun is stealing masks from the local five and dime with her trained pet manservant George Peppard. Before making the A Team he was on the Z Team with the rest of the cast of this phony overrated movie. Blake Edwards did way better with the Pink Panther movies a few years later. Buddy Ebsen gives a good performance a year before he struck oil and moved to Beverly Hills. Martin Balsam recovered from being stabbed to death by Norman Bates only to make this crap movie.
Audrey's character is supposed to be so so adorable but she's really so immoral she passes secrets to mobsters in jail. Anything to avoid getting a job. Nowdays she would be one of those Onlyfans chicks. Only Mickey Rooney is fun to watch in this travesty.
The Lost Boys (1987)
Vampires for Disney or Dawson's Creek fans
This movie defines overblown nonsense. It's your typical Joel Schumacher film: plenty of flashing lights, smoke machines, swirling, hyperactive camera work, neon signs, smartass kids who know more than the clueless adults, wind machines, buildings on the edge of a cliff, stylish hip young people with perfect hair, Echo and the Bunnymen covering The Doors, motorcycles racing on the beach at night next to an amusement park, Corey Lame and Corey Feltmen, characters who only speak in stupid catch phrases, Dianne weist as the mom, Jim Morrison posters, a secret hidden lair in a cave. This movie couldn't be more cliched and try hard. People who love this are just people who are nostalgic for the awful 80s.
Dead Ringers (1988)
I don't get it
What was this movie trying to say? That drugs are bad? Everybody already knows this. I watched it because I assumed it was a horror film because of Cronenberg. Instead it's some kind of character study. Twin gynecologists bang the same chick, played by Genevieve Sexybitch, and one falls for her, leading to drug use and their eventual descent into madness or something. I'm not sure of the movie's theme but Jeremy Irons is great in this. Only Michael Keaton in Clean and Sober gave a better performance that year. Both actors were way better than Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man though (the actual Best Actor Winner). Irons looks like a young Boris Karloff. Anyway a great if depressing film.
Vertigo (1958)
Vertigonad
Critics trashed this movie back in 1958, probably because the plot makes no sense. Elster's plan to kill his wife is ridiculously complicated and had no chance of actually succeeding. He had to find a woman who was actually willing to play along just for money and pretend to be his suicidal wife. Apparently she's a really good actress and fools Scotty completely.
How would Elster get his dead wife up the belltower without anyone noticing? Or did he kill her up there? And how would he and Madeline ever get out of there without being seen? There's no way the police and others wouldn't go up there to check it out. And what if Scotty had run fast enough to catch up to Madeline before she got up the tower? And wouldn't the people who found the dead body know that she had been dead for awhile? Unless Elster killed her only minutes before, she would've been cold and stiff
Also why did Scotty feel guilty about her death when he tried to save her? Why didn't he feel equally guilty about the cop who died trying to save him at the beginning of the movie? How come the cops didn't suspect Scotty of pushing her to her death? How come they didn't ask him to identify the body? Then he would've known it wasn't the same woman. Way too many plotholes.
But visually it's the most beautiful movie ever, with a great music score, great acting and the best opening credits too.
The Wild Angels (1966)
Taco benders
Hilariously awful movie that attempts to update The Wild One. But the guys in The Wild One were saints compared to these evil bikers who attempt to rape a cute black nurse (at least they weren't prejudiced) and beat up a priest at a eulogy then trash his church. Even the real Hell's Angels weren't this bad.
Peter Fonda is unconvincing as a tough guy but Nancy Sinatra is very hot as is Gayle Hunnicutt. The old guy from The Burbs gets fired for threatening the trashman from The Burbs with pliers. Then he and Fonda go on an uneasy ride. His real life wife, played by Flo from Alice, plays his old lady here. The fat redhead from The Apartment is also here as a tough biker mama and the weird guy from Tango and Cash also appears. Highly recommended for those who love swastikas. I imagine this movie started Charlie Manson on his career of evil.
Idiocracy (2006)
Perfectly sums up today's Republican party
These people will die of a terrible disease rather than get a vaccine just to "own the libs" and believe every conspiracy theory while calling obvious facts "fake news" just because it goes against their insane worldview.
Return to Horror High (1987)
Interesting cast
Marcia Brady, Moe Green, Tommy from Alice, that chick from Throb, the guy who beat up Superman, the brother of the guy who played the brother of the main chick in "Just One of the Guys" and George Clooney.
Too bad it's so confusing. You never know what's a dream or part of the movie they're shooting or just real. Did anyone even die in this movie?
Nachts, wenn Dracula erwacht (1970)
The stuffed animals gave the best performances
Everybody else just sleepwalks through their roles, while Klaus Kinski eats bugs. Lee is so wooden he's petrified. Lom is great as Dr. Van Halen however.
There's a gorgeous Selena Gomez-lookalike as Lucy and an equally hot chick as Mina to make this film bearable.
Things to Come (1936)
Things Are Dumb
In the future men will shave their legs and wear skirts with giant shoulders that look like shower curtains and planes will still have propellers and we need a giant cannon to go to the moon. And in 1970 we will live like medieval peasants and wear thick wool vests (well maybe they got that last part right).
It's hard to believe Ralph Richardson is actually a good actor. He's so hammy here.
Jack the Giant Killer (1962)
Jerk the Giant Crapper
Cheap corny lame attempt to recreate the magic of The Thief of Baghdad (1940) but it all falls flat. Watch the 2 back to back and you'd think that movie was filmed 22 years later rather than earlier since the effects (and everything else) are so much better. The princess is hot at least.
Caveman (1981)
Unrealistic
Dinosaurs died out before humans existed. Also white, latin, black and asian guys wouldn't all be in the same prehistoric tribe. And why does that one guy speak English?
That aside it's a very funny film. John Matuszak was freakin' huge. He'd kick Arnold's butt. Ringo is good. Shelly Long and Barbara Bach are the 2 main chicks and incredibly Shelly is the prettier one. Also nobody pulls a crab off John Matuszak better than Avery Schrieber.
Prince of Darkness (1987)
Carpenter's best since Halloween
But not very good. John Carpenter (the guy who killed Bob Crane) returns to horror after a few years off to make some nonsense about the devil. Good cast including Alice Cooper and Dr. Loomis and one of the Simons from Simon and Simon and the Chinese guy from Tremors and one of the cops from Nice Dreams and the guy on a bike in Poltergeist and a bangable redhead. Susan Blanchard probably leaves this film off her resume.
The Jigsaw Murders (1989)
BEST MOVIE EVER
Everett makes Dirty Harry look like Corky Romano. Michelle Johnson is so hot. Yaphet Kotto is great as always. Great LA locations too. Shoulda swept the Oscars.
Rosso sangue (1981)
Piece of crap
Terrible acting, stupid story and the Pittsburgh Squealers all combine to make this the worst movie of all time.
The Pursuit of D.B. Cooper (1981)
Yeah I'll bet that's what really happened
I'm sure it went exactly like this movie irl, especially when Cooper chases that agent guy with a plane and they both crash at the same time. Totally believable. He could've got away easy if he didn't stop to pickup his stupid ungrateful ex-wife (although Kathryn Harrold was very hot).
I hope the real Cooper watched this movie. He probably got a good laugh out of it.
Sucker Punch (2011)
JENA MALONE IS HOT
But this film isn't. Typical overwrought sob story at first then it suddenly turns into Kill Bill. Since David Carradine was already dead they got Scott Glenn aka That Guy Who Looks Like David Carradine. At least none of the girls was named Clarice.
Oscar Isaac does a good Gomez Addams impersonation. At the end it's all just her dream but why do all the girls in her dream wear such porny outfits? Pretty ridiculous.
Crawlspace (1986)
Mengele Schmengele
That guy had nothing on Klaus Kinky, who wears makeup, dresses up like a Nazi and breaks rats in half with his bare hands while spying on hot chicks in an air duct. One weird movie.
Baffled! (1972)
Just like an episode of Scooby Doo
Only less intelligent and with worse acting. Nimoy is famous for playing Spork on Star Trek but here is illogical and corny. Everyone else is British except that chick from Psycho and they all act like dorks. Baffling.