floraposteschild Reviews

The Committee (I) (2015– )

Comedy, drama? Dromedy?

[3/10 · 26 December 2021]

I watched one episode and was puzzled as to what it's supposed to be. It steals most of its format from Arrested Development and The Office, but I got one smile/chuckle out of the whole thing. It's listed here as a "drama", but there's supposed to be "whimsical" happenings?

Would someone please explain? I lack the desire to watch any further, at this point.

And Then There Were None (2015)

'A' for acting, 'D' for pace

[4/10 · 18 February 2021]

The adaptation that made Agatha Christie's fast-paced suspense classic slow and ponderous. It's hard to complain too much, because it is well -performed, and I imagine the writers were tempted to give each actor his big moment. Still, "opening out" each individual's story adds little or nothing. At most, it should be a tight two hours, and this version is three.

Wish for Christmas (2016)

Atheists Exposed! Vases Broken!

[1/10 · 18 February 2021]

A 30 to 40 year old teenager finds the true meaning of Christmas when the school dance is inexplicably moved to Christmas Eve, and her parents won't let her go. If that's not too much plot for you, she wishes her parents were atheists, and all heck breaks loose! For example, instead of being lawyers for poor people who don't pay their mortgages, they are lawyers for a bank -- because that's something a Christian would never be. More evil atheist moves: they give their daughter more money. They try to make their pure daughter wear a Scarlet Woman of Babylon gown. And they want to be paid back when someone's child breaks a vase. Wish for Christmas reveals all.

After the Wedding (2006)

Bland Danish cheese

[4/10 · 24 November 2019]

A surprisingly old-fashioned film about how The Rich are Not Happy, and need to appreciate The Real Things In Life. AtW is not bad, but it is more like a Hallmark TV movie than you probably expect. And while I understand the impulse to cast Mads Mikkelsen in everything, but he is too young for his role. You know a film's casting has got seriously off track when a father meets with his long lost daughter at a hotel, and you're not sure if they're going to have an emotional reunion, or sex.

The Least of These: The Graham Staines Story (2019)

Who are the least of these?

[1/10 · 16 November 2019]

There are so many to choose from: the writer, the director, the editor, the actors (especially Stephen Baldwin -- with an "Australian" accent!), whomever greenlit and funded this film, which is amateurish with a capital "A"? I can almost that if you have a school age child, he or she could pull together a better looking, more coherent production. Maybe the least is the audience for this movie -- does this sound good to you: a reporter goes undercover in a leper colony, to find out if a missionary is converting its Indian residents (aka "the least") by force. He isn't; and nothing else happens. The End. Unfortunately, I am unfamiliar with Graham Staines, but surely he deserves a better tribute.

Iesodo: Believe (2013)

"Where fun and faith take flight!", never to be seen again.

[2/10 · 5 August 2019]

Some oddly proportioned birds fly around, spreading the gospel. Iesodo, whose name allegedly means "the way of Jesus" or something similar in an unknown language, is their chipper leader, and also God in this universe. His Justin Bieber haircut is an odd choice -- no hippie long hair for these bible bashing birds, I suppose.

Poirot: Appointment with Death (2008) Season 11, Episode 4

Poor, and not Christie

[3/10 · 9 May 2019]

VERY different from the Christie story or the usual approach of this series, and not better. Don't know why it was changed -- maybe to add Tim Curry and Mark Gatiss and many other new characters or egos -- but even the small changes are stupid. Should have turned it off when the capable female doctor fainted with sun stroke, or pretended to. Or how about when about 20 people stood around on top of an underground room, watching the roof beneath their feet collapse? But I stuck it out to the end, and to whomever thought that this was a better solution and they are better writers than Agatha Christie: it wasn't and you're not.

Crooked House (2017)

A crooked little house -- of great actors

[7/10 · 6 March 2019]

In a world where every other Christie book has been filmed, remade, re-written, updated, altered, and filmed again, why is this the first filmed adaptation of Crooked House? It's because it's not the usual Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick story. No eccentric but beloved detective will appear. Thus it's tricky to write and market to both Christie fans, and to audiences that like dramas and thrillers, which is what Crooked House really is. The script is by Julian Fellowes of Downton Abbey fame, and the production is sumptuous and authentic, Ironically, it would be better if it had a lower budget, as they would have had to tighten it up. The same observation applies to the cast, which is almost too star-studded. Individual performances are good (the exception being dull Max Irons), but taken together, instead of coming across as members of a family, they sometimes appear to be actors having a Big Moment at an audition. This includes Glenn Close, whom I love, but come on, tone it down. On the other hand, the character of the murderer has been toned down, which is a bit disappointing, but inevitable. It would make the murderer too easy to spot, which might not have been the case in 1949 when the book was published. [There's a clue! -- or is it? ;) ]

Hush (V) (2015)

Oh, Hush

[1/10 · 28 December 2018]

Hush is not one of the four horror films of the same name. Nor is it a documentary in the usual sense of the term. Libraries do not file it under "science" or "medicine", but "political ethics", and for good reason -- it's heavy on the politics, and light on the ethics. Ten percent of it is women saying they had an abortion and they regret it, and ninety percent is misleading or completely false information about alleged abortion health effects, especially cancer. According to Dr. David A. Grimes, one of the token pro-choice experts consulted, it would appear most of the people giving their opinions, including the film makers, are unqualified, and one of the interviews, a secret voice-recording with an unidentified "Abortion Clinic Manager", was probably fabricated. Also, the use of the Alberta government logo is apparently fraudulent -- a government representative says "we have entered into conversations with the production company but we do not at this point have a formal agreement in place". To sum up: Hush has been endorsed by a number of religious groups, and no medical organizations.

Roma (2018)

A very, very positive review! But...

[8/10 · 18 December 2018]

What most people are saying is true -- this a heart-felt film, with gorgeous visuals (I honestly don't know how Cuaron got some of those long takes), innovative sound, top performances, drama, action, suspense and much more. Yes, the first hour is slow, but it pays off in the end, I swear. Ninety-five percent of people who like foreign language films at all will love it. BUT it is an Alfonso Cuaron film, which means it's sometimes on the sentimental side. If you've ever seen a film about a downtrodden maid, you could probably write the outline of this story yourself, including the climax, which is extremely well done, but also predictable. When the trip to the beach was discussed, I thought "is he going to do that?" And yes, he does. I think Cuaron intended some ironic commentary on that type of ending, but it's up to you to decide. There are also some significant plot threads left hanging, for example what happened to the mother who lost her land? Maybe it was cut out of the final film for time reasons, but I suspect more to preserve a fairly happy ending and keep the focus on the European family. Maybe that's a failure of courage, or art. I don't know. Regardless, this is a film worth seeing, and more than once, on the biggest screen you can find.

Cries of the Unborn (2017)

Reduced, Reused, Recycled, Repurposed

[1/10 · 5 May 2018]

When last we left the horror movie The Life Zone, the bad forced-mother who did not accept Jesus SPOILERS was in HELLL!!, sentenced to an eternity of giving birth -- not unlike some religious women. END SPOILERS But psych! Forget that ending, because footage from the Life Zone is repurposed into the legal thriller, if you want to call it that, Cries of the Unborn. Turns out not three, but only one woman was taken from an abortion clinic and forced to give birth -- the other two were only there to persuade her that her kidnapping was a good thing. But was there a crime committed? You could say that the woman kidnapped the fetus in her womb, and really, can you kidnap a kidnapper? And no one knows when life begins, except that "at conception" is the right answer, so.... Never mind the defendants have confessed; twelve angry idiots try to hash these matters out. The character "Barry" is played by the film's writer/director/genius/real life former judge Ken Del Vecchio. His IMDb profile describes his films as "multiple Academy Award and Emmy winners and nominees." No.

Secret Smile (2005)

The show you'll love to hate

[7/10 · 18 April 2018]

Oh, Secret Smile. I love you, but hesitate to recommend you. The last time I did online, I got so much static. And the criticism were mostly valid: it's exploitative, the plot relies on everyone aside from the leads behaving as stupidly as possible, some aspects of mental illness and the legal system are depicted inaccurately, and more. But the main reason why people hate it is because it presses their buttons. Brendan is both very attractive and the ultimate nightmare stalker, and viewers -- not to mention the other characters -- are pushed and pulled between their conflicting feelings about that. When you think about it, it's clever, because it's similar to the push/pull people sometimes feel for their stalker, often an ex that they struggle to get away from, and stay away. Claire's character is less vulnerable than most people, and tries to get out fast, but even so, Brendan insinuates himself into her life. And that is frankly, frightening. Look: I've been stalked twice in my life. I'm far from believing "this can happen to anyone" and victims are helpless, but anyone can be sucked into a stalker's game for a time. And if it hasn't happened to them, the people around you won't understand completely. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said "have you told him to leave you alone?" So I can say with confidence that Brendan's dialogue and behaviour, at least in the early part of the show is realistic. If you can appreciate this show as a crazy nightmare with a core of reality, you will not only enjoy it, but also have some food for thought.

October Baby (2011)

Cliche Baby

[1/10 · 3 February 2018]

To quote one of its fans: "ARTISTICALLY EXCELLENT. NON-JUDGMENTAL. POWERFUL. INSPIRING. TIMELY. NECESSARY" -- October Baby is none of these things. However it is "INCREDIBLE". There is not one part of this movie that is believable. Not only has no research been done as to how something like this might play out in real life, it seems to have been written by someone housebound since the 1970's after suffering a nervous breakdown. For example, our heroine Hannah, who is an adult, is diagnosed as having been a survivor of an abortion from a doctor reading her diary. Her adoptive father passed her diary to the doctor without her permission, because it's for her own good. Is her next step counselling, perhaps psychiatric help? Heck no, this is a Christian film. Road trip! And when I say road trip, I mean a painfully chaste road trip with a childhood male friend, who later asks her father's permission to date her. I said she was an adult, right? They are accompanied by his present girlfriend, who is of course evil. The implication is she, unlike our pure Hannah, would have an abortion -- hiss! The sleuths track down various professionals -- a police officer, a nurse -- who violate ethical standards to bring Hannah and her bio-mother together again. Because that's going to end well. Will she follow the example of her mother, who turns out to be not only another selfish villainess, but uptight AND A LAWYER? Or will she give up her college plans, marry her childhood sweetheart, and have babies, all 100% wanted. What do you think?

Sucker Punch (2011)

Kill Bill it's not

[1/10 · 27 January 2018]

If you don't know the difference between female agency and a sadomasochistic fantasy, and you don't care to know, or if you think Justine is a feminist tract, you will love this movie. The story follows the adventures of Babydoll (no other name; perfect makeup, no matter what), who tries to kill her evil stepfather and accidentally kills her sister. He gets her thrown into an asylum, somehow, and -- holy ticking clock! -- she will be lobotomized with an ice pick by Dr. Jon Hamm in five days. What can she do? Dick-matizing sexy dancing and Inception levels of fantasy, that's what! Zach Snyder wrote Sucker Punch with male fans of Frank Miller and video games in mind (see: the top Imdb comment), with the thinnest possible veneer of interest for females, whom he must think are either stupid, or moved and deeply grateful at his depiction of rape and abuse. The only thing I'm grateful for is Oscar Isaac, who sings, dances, and chews all the non-CGI scenery. The podcast How Did This Made asked its listeners to complete this statement: "Sucker Punch is to female empowerment as...." There were a lot good responses, including "...as Michael Bay is to subtlety" and "...as the Holocaust is to German pride." Mine is "...as Mandingo is to Civil Rights."

The Star (2017)

SPOILER ALERT: it doesn't end well

[3/10 · 8 December 2017]

This movie may have seemed a good idea at the time: a time-tested seasonal story. CG animation for the kids, and for the adults, let's get a totally random selection of celebrities, whether they're good at voice over work or not. Mostly not. What could go wrong? For starters, to make this story suitable for modern children, they left out a whole lot of child murder and forcible god impregnation (don't worry; 13-year-old Mary is totally cool with it.) Standard for the genre, you'll say. But they fill in the gaps, particularly the one where Mary does some explaining to Joseph, with silly and/or depressing subplots that go nowhere. A decent babysitter for young children, and that's about it.

The Life Zone (2011)

Don't Breathe II: Don't Think

[1/10 · 30 October 2017]

If you don't like abortion or fancy words like "relevance", but you do like the voices in your head, this is your movie. The Life Zone is story of three women: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. No, I'm not kidding. Regardless of the feelings of their fetuses or God (lord knows no one needs more protection than an omniscient and omnipotent being) they have decided to have an abortion -- or did they? Not if Robert Loggia and a doctor/failed baby machine have anything to do with it! Together, they kidnapped the three women, and threaten to kill them if they self-abort. And yes, they are the good guys. The story is so thin and feebly told that to pad the run time, the prison scenes alternate with cutaways to anti-abortion propaganda; for example, alleged man on the street interviews that are performed by the cast and crew. I have no idea why Robert "Scarface" Loggia is in this film, but I like to think that he himself was kidnapped and was forced to read his lines. He never actually interacts with the other actors, so this is a real possibility. Blanche Baker, the actress who plays the doctor, had a major role in -- wait for it -- The Handmaid's Tale (1990). It's true. Look it up.

C Me Dance (2009)

"Gimme a 'C', gimme an 'H'...."

[1/10 · 26 September 2017]

Not really a spoiler, since it's revealed in the first quarter hour, but the 'C' in the title stands for cancer. A high school girl with dance ambitions is diagnosed; how will she and her single father (who was widowed in an unexplained road rage incident) cope? All right, you think; it's that kind of movie. After some anguish, the girl will overcome adversity and become an inspiration to her peers. And you'd be right, but not in the way you expected. The 'C' also stands for Christ, which it seems she becomes, but her superpowers are limited to touching people and making them Christians, whether they want to be or not. Hilarity ensues, which is probably not what the filmmakers were expecting.

To add a comment to Voxhumana's superb post: his/her suggestions for films have already been made recently, and they turned out to be god awful, not in premise but in execution. IMHO, Christian/religious movies are not getting better any time soon, for the following reasons: 1) Unlike in the days of Milton and Mozart, religious belief is not mandatory, and patrons of the arts aren't almost exclusively religious. Artists of genius are not so much into religious themes these days. 2) Not as genius but religious artists are making movies with the message first, and the art second. Maybe they don't believe that by putting their God-given abilities first, they would be making the highest tribute to God. 3) Great movies demand great audiences. The audience for Christian movies is like the audience for superhero movies. For the most part, the bad guys lose, the good guys win, the outcome is in no doubt, and that's the way they like it. Yawn.

But maybe I'm wrong. If you are a religious person, I ask you to watch three very challenging, but good and thoughtful films about modern religion: The Apostle (1997), The Rapture (1991), and Calvary (2014). If you're like foreign/art films, watch Dekalog (1989), a film series selected by the Vatican in the "values" category of its list of 45 great films. Are these the kinds of films you want to see? Support them, and you will see more.

The Last Vampire on Earth (2010 Video)

Not Twilight; more like 3:30 on a wet afternoon

[1/10 · 25 September 2017]

I came to The Last Vampire On Earth with some misconceptions: that it was a Christian film (Jehovah's Witness beliefs come into play, though the filmmaker has only the vaguest idea of what they are); that the lead actress was also the lead in C Me Dance (no; CMD's Christina DeMarco is practically a SAG award winner compared to Last Vampire's McKenzie Grimmet, although they both have that doe-eyed, hit with a brick from behind look); and that it would be performed by actors. No one in this film can act. Nor can the editor edit, the sound engineer sync up sound, nor, almost needless to say, the director direct. Even craft services is non-existent or sub-par. At two so-called family meals, KFC is served up by the characters, without comment. Except when the vampire later throws it up, which turns out to be a surprisingly important plot point. Fine for some laughs, if you like this sort of thing, but this film is not even good enough to have on in the background at your Hallowe'en party.

Right to Believe (2014)

Bore the gay away

[1/10 · 10 September 2017]

One man's fight to prevent men from walking around in groups -- so timely! Otherwise, it's hard to guess who this movie was made for. Maybe for people who have not met a gay person, to speak to, and written by people who have met one a couple times, and yet survived. However, several long, dull scenes turn on gay people being deeply impressed by what is written in the Bible, without seemingly being Christians. So, this is my best guess: if you're a gay evangelical who has never read the Bible, and doesn't know who people like Darwin and Kinsey are or what they did, this is your movie. Favourite character is the protagonist's wife, who kind of wants to stone the gays, but doesn't want anyone to say we should stone the gays.

Voiceless (2015)

...Feckless, Aimless and Graceless

[1/10 · 14 August 2017]

Maybe I'm very old-fashioned, but shouldn't semi-amateur filmmakers, the kind who get friends and family to post reviews on IMDb (judging from the number of reviewers here who have one credit to their names -- this film) be a little humble? But this is the honest-to-God working/alternate title: American Hero: The Movie. I mean! And this is the tag line: One man. One Fight. The Ultimate Sacrifice. Well, there are many more than one man in this film -- it seems to be a completely male lead and made project, and almost all female characters are victims or deluded fools, with few or no lines, even about their own abortions. The one fight is clear -- against abortion, and not, I repeat, not a fight to pay for and care for children. You could say the protagonist takes it a little far: spying on the clinic behind Venetian blinds, harassing people going in and out, even pushing one girl over the edge into suicide. But I just don't see who or what the sacrifice is, let alone the Ultimate Sacrifice. Is it the abusive husband, lying in the pool of his own blood (symbolism!)? Is it the protagonist's wife, who thanks God in church for a man who opened her eyes? Or is it the viewer, sacrificing brain cells he will never get back?

Unconditional (IV) (2012)

Don't shoot black people just because they wear a red hoodie, okay?

[2/10 · 11 December 2016]

A man is shot dead in an alley, and his wife, in despair, takes a gun the size of a small cannon to that same alley to shoot herself. But! There is a little black girl who was just hit by a car to be rescued. So picture the backstory of a Batman movie telescoped into one scene, and then inter cut scenes of a guy in hospital on a kidney dialysis machine -- that's Unconditional in a nutshell.

Truly, we live in a great age of film making. When there's a movie like this, that multiple people sign up to IMDb for just to review and give 10 stars, and that film doesn't get an Oscar nomination, what does that tell you? I mean, if a rich white lady patronizing multiple black stereotypes while at the same time finding herself and her husband's killer (her clues: he was black, had a red hoodie and a mechanic's rag -- tricky, right?), with cute kids and uncounted death, near death, and tear-jerking moments along the way doesn't catch the attention of the Academy, what does?

King's Faith (2013)

Juvenile ex-delinquent attracts suspicion, fake reviews

[2/10 · 11 December 2016]

What happens when a black delinquent teen turns from crime, finds God, and goes to a high school populated almost exclusively by wealthy, white evangelists? Except that he's cast as a pretty, white 30-year- old, who can't act? and the nature of whose delinquency remains mysterious, since this is a Christian film, and the writers are out of touch with reality? Tepid hi-jinks is what! Thrill as teenagers, in a field trip to a "rough" (i.e. black) neighbourhood, clean up a crack house by setting the furniture straight. There are no stakes, only rudimentary characters and no plot. Someone likes this film, though. I can't help but notice that all the reviewers giving King's Faith ten stars have only reviewed this film. And the lead review (how is that chosen, anyway?) openly admits to working on the film.

The Unexpected Bar Mitzvah (2015)

Coexistence by consumption

[1/10 · 5 December 2016]

Two boys cross the religious divide through the worship of the only true God, Tim Tebow, and the hate of Harry Potter. Judging from the cast names, not a single adult Jew, and certainly not a practicing one, was involved in making of this story of the toleration Semites in a small town via the novel method of (SPOILER, but what did you expect?) making them convert. Well, so what you say. Why can't a film made by a small, Evangelical production company in Georgia be a nuanced examination of interfaith relations? Let's go down the checklist: Christians are tolerant and understanding, and perfect in every way? Check. Jews are loud, pushy, hairy men? Check. The Holocaust their constant concern and study? Check. Who menace and threaten to throw their children out of the house when they think of converting? Check. Emergency trip to "Jew" York? Coincidental (OR IS IT?) meeting with a Jew for Jesus? Check. Pathetic crippled girl? Check. Miraculous intervention? Check. Jewishness purged, let us say, out of a whole family a happy ending? Check. Unless you want to deliberately offend and insult someone, this is a bad movie.

Little Boy (2015)

Make America racist again!

[1/10 · 26 November 2016]

A little boy, with the help of a colourful animal sidekick (aka an old Japanese man), endeavours to do God's will in an effort to bring his father home from World War II. Could a certain famous bomb become involved in the hijinks? Anything is possible! This movie inspired me to read a book. If only the producers had done the same. A poorly written waste of a fine cast, and Kevin James. Somehow, Little Boy manages to be even more racist than 1940s California, and profoundly uninformed about the times in which it is set. Putrid. Should be popular with Evangelicals. SPOILER: never mind the nuclear holocaust, daddy's home!

Consumed (II) (2015)

Will this be the stupidest movie you see this year?

[1/10 · 13 June 2016]

Sophie is a waitress and single mother (and in case you don't feel sorry enough for her, she's also a recovering alcoholic) who sees what no one else sees: her son has a rash -- he's is being poisoned by genetically modified foods! Really. No one else sees this. Thrill as this not-at-all-mentally-ill woman stabs mattresses, breaks into offices, and confronts evil not-Monsanto executives in her search for the truth.

Some say Vaxxed is the most inept and inane movie they have ever seen; others, God Is Not Dead 2. But what about a contender from 2015, which is only now gaining a reputation as a whack-job magnet, Consumed? Oh, sure, those other films are bizarre, manipulative, and out of touch with reality. But do their baddies employ death squads for organic food advocates? Do they star Victor Garber, Danny Glover, and Griffin Dunne, all of whom are getting to old for this sh-t? Wake up, sheeple! This film will be the next online reviewer sensation.