simonemmanuelschouten Reviews

The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022– )

A painful, shallow mockery of something good

[2/10 · 4 September 2022]

There is so much terrible about this show that it would take forever to sum it all up, but I will try to keep this brief:

This show has some impressive shots of mountains just like LotR. That is about the only good thing I can find to say about it. (Even this is marred by over-the-top CGI and poor costume design however and I feel rather generous giving it 2/10.)

EVERYTHING else is pure garbage somehow. I have no clue how they managed to mess up this bad but they did.

The meaningless, pseudo-wise lines that characters spout in lieu of proper writing is flat out embarrassing and painful to watch. Ignoring the comically bad voice-over at the start, less than 5 minutes into the first episode we get the most melodramatic speech ever about 'why it is that rocks can't float' and the lines do not get any better after this. Nearly everything every character says is just flat out dumb. You'll be rolling your eyes non-stop if you're actually paying attention to it. It is outright painful to listen to.

There are no redeeming qualities to compensate for this. The plot diverges from the Silmarillion immediately and the motivations of characters are incomprehensible and nonsensical as the teenage Marvel version of Galadriel does a bunch of stuff she never did in the books, with a group of what have got to be the most boring Elves in the history of Arda. After 12 minutes I was subconsciously rooting for the bad guys, that's how bad the main characters are. Sauron has clearly become some sort of serial murderer from CSI who leaves "mysterious signs". Hobbits make an obnoxious and unnecessary reappearance in the Second Age for absolutely no good reason. An Elf-Human romance (which are exceedingly rare in this universe to the point each one is known and this isn't one of them) is forcefully inserted because they wanted to make it clear they were going to rip-off literally every story element here no matter how unsuitable.

Even if you willingly choose to ignore the blatant and infamous race-swapping and love obvious analogies to unrelated race politics from one specific country in real life in the middle of a fantasy story (from a writer who himself abhorred allegory) because you believe every story has to be a perfect mirror of 21st century American demographics and anyone who thinks otherwise is a racist, there is still the question as to why half of the Elves inexplicably have SHORT HAIR when NONE of them have this in Tolkien's works. This shouldn't be an issue. Just make them like they are in the books for heaven's sake, how hard could it be?! And why is Elrond now an ambitious, industrialist politician? This is a 180 degree turn away from both his character in the original works and one of the CENTRAL THEMES in Tolkien's entire work!

The only answer is that the makers have nothing but disregard for the original work. They don't care about how Elves are in the book, or how the characters are in the book, or anything Tolkien actually wrote. Nothing lines up, and nearly everything is changed for worse. They chose to make their own cheap surrogate of what they thought the Jackson movies were, that takes keeps all of the worst elements of the Hobbit and discards all of the things that made LotR so great in the first place. The result is nothing but a watered-down, shallow imitation. An uninspired mockery that leaves no lasting impression because it is every bit as shallow as the show writer's interpretation and understanding of the original story.

The Batman (2022)

Melodramatic and booooring

[4/10 · 25 April 2022]

Slow motion. That about sums up the worst part of this movie. Countless of times in this movie, simple actions are drawn out to take 10 times as long because the director decided the action of "Batman picks up a freaking object" should definitely be done in ultra slow motion.

And then there's the overall slow pace of the movie: the dialogue is slow and devoid of depth. It's like the director thought that by making everything slow things, the tension increases... It does NOT if you do it like this. This is one of the most boring movies I've seen in quite a while. The drama is boring, the action is boring, the plot moves at a snail's pace. Batman is clearly utterly invincible in every fight scene, the actual dialogue would make you yawn or roll your eyes even if it took half as long as it does, and about a third of the movie time is wasted on loooooong close-ups of actors' faces staring with a blank expression into nothing (because this is "artistic" of course).

The plot cannot make up for it. The acting wasn't bad, just mediocre. I wanted to scream "MOVE! DO SOMETHING" at the screen for multiple hours. I would have happily rated it even lower than 4/10 if the acting was a little more incompetent.

Space Force (2020–2022)

Boring and hardly ever actually funny

[2/10 · 4 July 2020]

I don't care what million dollar actors play in this; this is NOT funny. In 5 episodes there were only ~5 jokes that were actually good and well-executed. And that wouldn't be bad if this was Breaking Bad, but it's not. It's clearly supposed to be a comedy because the plot is just inconsequential nonsense with no tension or relatable characters whatsoever. So the jokes are all that it's got going for it and... well, unfortunately most of the jokes are of the lowest grade.

It's a "haha, poop" and "haha, monkeys are funny!" level of entertainment. If that works for you then go for it, but if merely saying "Space Force" or "spacemen" out loud does not make you roll over the floor laughing, then don't bother because that's literally what this series hinges on. I reluctantly sat through 5 episodes and I'm glad I managed to laugh at all, but I can't sit through more of this. It's 90% BORING. And it's cringey and painful how they clearly try and try to be funny but completely fail to make up a simple joke or execute it. Utter failure of a show.

Just watch the trailer and nothing else. They took all the fun bits and stuck em in there; you won't miss anything by skipping the show itself.

Chernobyl (2019)

A disservice to reality

[5/10 · 8 June 2020]

Chernobyl's portrayal of the nuclear disaster (and radiation danger in general) is nothing less than untruthful. It directly feeds the mainstream belief that anything nuclear energy is some sort of pure evil that will kill millions on a whim, the belief that Chernobyl killed "hundreds of thousands", when modern studies show that it can only have killed dozens at most.

This is not due to some Star-Wars-esque disinterest in physics. No, the lengths to which the show makers go to mis-portray radiation include making up hundreds of deaths that never happened, and showcasing radiation as a magical force that instantly melts people's face off, all for the sake of creating more drama. Even a cursory internet search could have enlightened them on the details of how, for example, no one on the famous bridge died to radiation poisoning, but the show makers must have deliberately chosen to enter the realm of fantasy and kill people off who suffered no ill effects in real life.

The show is expertly shot, the acting is superb, and the tension is good. But to watch it felt like a promotional video for Greenpeace: a fancy video, filled with misleading factoids and outright lies. For all its craftiness, still no more than an insult to watch.

Braven (2018)

It moves.

[5/10 · 1 December 2019]

TL;DR: It moves. There's action. It didn't physically hurt me to watch it. I didn't fall asleep. It wasn't great either.

Action: The action was okay. Occasionally it was even almost believable. Broke my suspension of disbelief increasingly as the movie progressed though.

Plot: The super flat and cliche "happy family in danger" excuse plot is somewhat avoided with "Demented Old Man", leaving barely enough of a plot for the viewer to keep watching without getting completely detached.

Acting: Okayish

5/10 instead of 6/10 because it's just so average and forgettable. Only watch if you have got to burn your spare time for some reason.

Blindspotting (2018)

Not funny. Slow and boring.

[3/10 · 8 November 2019]

Disclaimer: I turned off this movie after EIGHT minutes because it was so boring. Maybe it gets intensely fun and interesting and thought provoking after that, but I couldn't bear to wait for it.

Why is this listed as comedy??? This isn't just 'bad comedy' with slapstick and cheap jokes about coitus. No, it's just "not comedy". It's SO BORING, just the first 5 minutes are SO POINTLESSLY BORING. Just super-slow shots of boring stuff and characters being annoying and boring. Couldn't bear to watch more. Gave it 3/10 because *maybe* somewhere in the rest of the movie something fun/interesting finally happens.

Steel Rain (2017)

Very solid - more than just an action flick

[9/10 · 30 May 2019]

I was expecting an "okay" action movie with an excuse plot and a lot of unrealistic, flashy stunts from the lead character. Gangcheolbi (Steel Rain) is not that. This is a movie that gets it right.

It doesn't rely on flashy action scenes to provide entertainment and fake tension, but on a good story to provide actual tension. It doesn't force in character development or beg for some audience empathy, but simply lets the characters do what they do in a believable and organic way. Actions feel consequential. The dramatic scenes (unlike most movies) succeed because they are set up carefully and aren't milked for everything they can.

It's got plenty of action scenes and those were very enjoyable: fast, but well-shot (no super-short cuts), gritty, and with very little nonsense. Some of the shots in general were absolutely stunning. But the plot is also very solid (if somewhat difficult to follow for a Western person...) and stays interesting for the entire movie. It uses credible dynamics between countries and powers and masterfully displays the concerns over the existence of two entire nations, as well as the concerns over an entire people.

My only gripes with the movie are the sub-par acting of the CIA woman, and the parts where Asian actors suddenly tried to speak English (for no reason whatsoever) and didn't do so well, which is a bit of a shame since they acted phenomenally otherwise.

Dark Matter (2015–2017)

Decent concept, poor acting, poor characters

[3/10 · 23 February 2018]

A sci-fi amnesia plot. Not the most original thing in the world, but in sci-fi there's always plenty of creative plot potential. Unfortunately Dark Matter fails to show anything that resembles sensible human interaction or credible characters. Both the lines used and the way actors move and speak come off just as synthetic as the android on the ship and each character suffers from a terminal case of cliché.

If we have to believe people who watched more, then supposedly the show gets a good plot later on. That's great and all, but just the first 2 episodes are a pain to sit through. It had cringe all over it and I would rather sit and stare at a blank wall for a couple of hours than continue watching.

Train to Busan (2016)

Overrated movie, even for zombie-standards

[3/10 · 21 December 2016]

##No specific spoilers here, but this *is* a zombie movie.##

That should be a dead give-away that:

• The fighting scenes will be be weak and nonsensical, mostly involving lots of people getting bitten for no good reason. (They are.) - The characters are completely retarded and suicidal. (They are.) - The whole zombie deal is going to be left without proper explanation and for every bit of plot, we'll be getting 2 giant plot-holes. (It is, and we do.)

I actually started watching the movie with these as my only expectations, hoping to get some cheap entertainment. But Train to Busan fully lived up to these negative expectations, and then proceeded to add to them by taking itself way too serious. In addition to the above we get:

• Serious, pathetic attempts at character development. (along the lines of "I used to be a jerk but not anymore because zombies.") - Horrible social commentary. (Oh really, we should help each other, not be complete egocentric bastards? Wow thanks movie, I'd never thought of that...) - Dull dramatic scenes. (Loooong, cliché, and really only serve to get some extremely flat characters who basically have only *one* defining characteristic, who we're then supposed to be emotionally attached to.) - 4 points where the movie should have just ended. (Honestly, I'd given it a 4 or a 5 even, if it had just ended after the first 45 minutes. But it keeps dragging on and on, only ever getting more boring.) - Lack-luster fighting scenes. (Mostly just people getting bitten without doing *anything* back, because... zombies. "Oh will you look at that? A blood-covered man with ripped clothes and white eyes is sprinting towards me growling loudly and flailing his arms. Should I at least raise my arms maybe? Naw, I'll just stand here and do absolutely nothing.")

I stopped watching it 3 times, and tried finishing it 2 times, but after last time I was done. I've seen like 80% and I really don't care for the ending; it's just not enjoyable in the slightest, nor is it 'deep' or in any other way worth watching. Don't waste your time if you haven't seen it, unless the idea of a zombie movie with child- level social commentary and endless drama scenes really appeals to you.