violinjoe Reviews

Jennifer's Body (2009)

This is what a former stripper can write...

[5/10 · 26 April 2024]

I guess this was the pinnacle of Megan Fox's career. Is it saying much?

A high school degenerate becomes an occult sacrifice and then offs a bunch of boys. That's the crux of the story and it doesn't really go anywhere from there. Amanda Seyfried is quite enthralling and the story doesn't really get "boring," per se. But the story is lacking in basic plot points. Parents. Teachers. Friends and family who might be concerned about said main characters...anyone?

But most of all, Megan Fox actually does shine as a vapid, self-obsessed individual who is obviously too important to even be on screen. I'm still not certain why Chris Pratt is in this movie, but let's assume he needed the paycheck.

The Mental State (2023)

A decent film, not very engaging

[5/10 · 23 February 2024]

This is not a bad movie. Great acting, interesting story and character development. Nice cinematography and music score. Mostly good script.

But the story telling is disjointed. Things that shouldn't have been disclosed are disclosed too early. Parts of the story that should have been made known are told way too late.

Without giving any details away, this is in the vein of a school shooter movie. It is set right around the columbine tragedy.

The human relationships are portrayed very well in this film. But the way in which it is done is not remarkable - the family dynamics are not believable as portrayed.

Slow burn, not terrible story. But impossible to decipher a story arc.

Sunrise (II) (2024)

The title has nothing to do with the movie

[4/10 · 21 January 2024]

The title of this film is not the main problem. It's that it is taking itself far too seriously.

Too many plot points all trying to converge in one coherent way - blatant racism against blacks and Asians, somehow coupled with voodoo and vampires. It's just too much much to try and put in one film. Exactly what is "going on" with the whole Red Coat demon is never really explained, but by that point it becomes apparent the film isn't really even trying to tie up loose ends.

Far too many long, dark camera shots of people just walking around a room with no reason other than to fill time. Acting is good from Guy Pierce but how in the WORLD did they convince him to do this?

Not a great film but 4 stars because the story isn't terrible.

Terrifier (2016)

tries too hard - and FAILS miserably

[1/10 · 14 January 2024]

This movie is really horrible in every way. But what most interesting is that people have actually come to its defense. Having seen Terrifier 1 and 2, I have a theory on why this is:

This movie is made in a social media culture. Every scene - especially kills - are made for description and viewing in a single social media post. And this movie delivers greatly in that regard....woman sawed in half from vagina through head. Man stabbed in both eyes beyond recognition.

There is no backstory needed for a one line post such as this. And as a result, there is no backstory to this ridiculous movie masquerading as horror art.

This entire film is an effeminate vanity project by a director who would have served himself well learning how to write scripts instead of galavanting around as though he is deserves some sort of accolades for this trash.

Do not bother wasting any ounce of energy or intelligent thought on this piece of bilge. It deserves nothing but ridicule.

The Lost City (2022)

Could have been so much better

[3/10 · 2 January 2024]

There is zero chemistry between Sandra Bullock and Channing Tatum. I can't blame her - he is really an insufferable "actor" as evidenced by the fact that he takes his shirt off multiple times in this movie, as well as his pants.

There is also the sassy black actress, and Brad Pitt makes an appearance as the only redeeming quality in the movie. This film is really just an attempted remake of Romancing the Stone, a far better movie on every count.

From a technical perspective the movie is quite obviously filmed mostly in front of green screens and the score is overly dramatic. It's hard to take any of it seriously (or in jest) when the actors clearly aren't enjoying themselves and did this for a paycheck.

This movie had a lot of potential that was completed wasted.

Terrifier 2 (2022)

This is not a scary movie

[1/10 · 30 December 2023]

This is not a scary movie.

I am a horror fan. I don't mind gore. I enjoyed all of the Saw movies, even more graphic movies like High Tension, and other films of similar violence level.

I did not enjoy anything about Terriier 2. It was not frightening in any way, there was no tension or buildup to anything. There was nothing but ridiculous torture and violence for no other purpose than to put it on the screen.

For all the talk of the director being a "special effects guy," the gore was unremarkable and fake-looking. The idea that a man could completely twist limbs off a person and scalp her with ease is just dumb - it's like a bunch of 12-year-olds wrote this script.

The run time was way too long...I found myself fast-forwarding through many scenes that were drawn out and BORING. Terrible acting, virtually no plot, no interesting backstory. Just mindless violence that doesn't even work.

Oh and did I mention - this is NOT A SCARY MOVIE. There is NOTHING scary in it.

The Last Thing He Told Me (2023– )

Typical NYT mystery fodder

[6/10 · 29 September 2023]

The show is fine - a bit slow at times. But the main problem is the story. Completely ridiculous by the end of it and honestly, this is the same basic plot as every female-lead NYT bestseller mystery novel goes. The main character seems to have an endless amount of money as an artist for a fringe art form, every friend she has is available to drive across town at her beckon call, and she is more resourceful than every law enforcement officer. It's fine - honestly it makes for a good show.

My main issue with the show was the ending. The husband, after evading cops and mafia, shows up to let her know he still loves her.

It's a selfish move, a romance-novel tactic and patently absurd as a plot point. Way to ruin the ending.

Til Death Do Us Part (II) (2023)

Unwatchable

[1/10 · 20 September 2023]

I could not finish this movie - turned it off after about 30 min.

The movie is a mess. I have no idea what it was about, or anything about the characters. Nonsensical script, ridiculous "action" sequences, and *bizarre* casting choices. I am all for including people of all walks of life in all movies, but when you include a little person next to a tall person, and have them argue for comedic purposes, you have failed on every level as a director/producer.

I have absolutely no idea how this film got made, and shocked that no one stopped it in the production process.

Take my advice and avoid this movie at all costs.

Knock at the Cabin (2023)

A post-pandemic film that either frustrate or intrigue

[7/10 · 24 February 2023]

I can't think of many modern filmmakers who get as much flak *every* time they make a film as Shyamalan. I also find it amusing that critics write the most lengthy reviews disparaging his films, as though he cares what they think. For this reason alone I recommend this movie.

This is not Shyamalan's best movie, but it's certainly not anywhere close to his worst.

This is a post-pandemic take on many different angles of the human psyche, and a caricature of what would happen if the divulgences of those struggling with "meaning" in life enacted their solutions. It's not a film about religion, cults, homosexuality, or apocalypse.

This is a film about dealing with reality, and the beginning and end of life, like all of Shyamalan's films. He just happened to make a movie that showed homage to what all humans dealt with while in isolation for over a year.

Good film if you're willing to ponder what he has to offer and ignore the pretentious takes by professionals.

A Hollywood Christmas (2022 TV Movie)

A huge WOKE disappointment

[3/10 · 25 December 2022]

Everything wrong with Hollywood, all in one short movie. Attempts to have every possible race of people included for no discernible reason, and of course the white males are the dumbest characters. The lead actress's assistant talks like an anime character - on PURPOSE - it is seriously the most grating sound I have ever had to sit through. And she is in multiple scenes.

The problem with this movie is not the cheesy or campy acting, or the genre it pokes fun at, or its attempt at self-awareness. I've seen dozens of Hallmark Christmas movies and the genre is what it is. The problem is that it's the movie is attempting to make some social statement. The white guy is a privileged Ivy League grad, the female Asian director is just a regular person who had to actually work to get where she is.....yea, we get it. Rinse and repeat woke nonsense. This is not what people sign up to watch when they turn on a Christmas movie. Avoid this movie at all costs.

Barbarian (2022)

Tired tropes, wasted potential

[1/10 · 28 October 2022]

When you are watching a horror film, you expect people to make stupid mistakes. But the main character can't do something stupid. And then the next thing is stupid. And then the next thing stupid. And everything after is stupid.

That is the way this film pans out. This was an extremely frustrating film to watch, with poor decision after poor decision. The "suspenseful" scenes of dark passageways were way too long (I kept fast forwarding). The "monster reveal" was ill-timed and anti climactic.

But what is most egregious is that the entire premise of the movie (and trailer) is completely unrelated to the plot of the movie. This movie hs nothing to do with a double-booked rental home, or the chance meeting of two like-minded individuals.

This movie is a poor attempt to humanize a social media obsessed culture who feign connections due to common interest. This movie was terrible and a complete waste of time.

Piggy (2022)

Great movie - delivers horror perfectly

[8/10 · 20 October 2022]

You will enjoy this move whether you like horror or not.

That being said, this is a wonderful movie. A modern rendition of a small-town mystery/horror. The perfect amount of cultural history and humor, paired with intrigue and mystery.

And most notably, I appreciated that this European film did not jump around in the timeline - the story was presented in the order of events.

The most appreciated aspect of this film was that it waited to deliver its best. The ending was far beyond my expectations, and it's one of the first movies I've seen that I was neither bored nor regretted waiting through.

Worth all the accolades. Enjoy this fun film!

Goodnight Mommy (2022)

Not unsuccessful but not as effective as original

[6/10 · 19 September 2022]

There is little concern here with the American-ization of an open-ended European film by the production team. There isn't a lot different than the original in terms of plot and this movie tries to make it more "accessible." I was a bit skeptical to hear that there was a remake of this movie at all, the original which I loved. Make no mistake: both films are good. However, the original film successfully states its points and makes the viewer sort it out. This version attempts to make the viewer feel one way emotionally about both sides instead of allowing the viewer on their own. It is a different approach. Not unsuccessful but not as effective as the original.

Glorious (2022)

I didn't think I'd like it but I did

[7/10 · 31 August 2022]

I wouldn't think I would have enjoyed this movie, but I did. I liked the script (it almost read like a play) and I liked the acting. I don't want to give away plot elements that will ruin the film but suffice it to say that it is a movie that makes yo question motives. The story was not predictable, I questioned my take on characters several times and I enjoyed the premise w/o unnecessary backstory. It's not really horror but it was engaging. Mostly a dialogue-driven thriller which is rare to see nowadays. Definitely worth it to watch. And trust me...I don't rate movies this well normally. I think this film deserves a viewing.

Men (2022)

Act 3 ruins it

[4/10 · 7 August 2022]

What started as a very suspenseful and engaging psychological horror was ruined in an attempt to be "artsy." I genuinely LOVED this movie for the majority of the film. But there is a point where a film director needs to begin to close the story, and that moment doesn't happen. Beautiful characters and tragic circumstances are wasted on confusing archetypes that make no sense. I know what I just watched, but it left me disappointed.

Resident Evil (2022)

IMDB deleted my 1 star review

[1/10 · 6 August 2022]

Engaging in censorship b/c you are being paid to fluff the rating is disgraceful. Just tells me these reviews are mostly FAKE. My review had been voted on close to 100 times then **poof** it disappears.

I watched the entire season and it SUCKS. On every level.

They/Them (2022)

Insulting to the entire horror genre

[1/10 · 6 August 2022]

This is not a horror movie. The pacing and plot elements and cinematography would lead one to think so, but it is not. Interesting premise that is totally wasted with a terrible script and bizarre acting. The *very* few scenes involving violence are predictable and WHAT ON EARTH is Kevin Bacon doing in this movie?

The "twist" at the end is a mediocre excuse to try and make a social statement. I have no idea what that statement is, but I do know that this movie was a waste of my time.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

Literally no suspense, just gore

[2/10 · 23 February 2022]

I'm not sure that anyone watches these movies for the "amazing plot," so I won't spare you the details (hint: it's not good, and rather bizarre). And if you're looking for gore, this film won't disappoint.

But that is all it has going for it. Not a single moment of suspense, literally none. What made all the other films in this franchise interesting was the suspense. So many missed opportunities for a chase scene, or hiding from leather face. Every missed opportunity made me dislike the film more and more.

If the producers and director spent 1/10th the time formulating a few suspenseful sequences as they did with the absurdly gratuitous gore (which ended up being really tasteless by the end) the movie would have been better balanced.

Disappointing addition. The franchise seems done. Oh well.

Till Death (I) (2021)

Megan Fox sucks again!

[4/10 · 26 July 2021]

Premise of the movie is absurd, so I'm not even going into that.

But staring at Megan Fox for almost 2 hours, with literally zero facial expressions, was like slow torture. She can't act. Period.

Vivarium (2019)

Suburbia is not this scary

[3/10 · 11 July 2021]

The movie is interesting. But this is a ridiculous movie if taken with any modicum of seriousness as a social commentary. Oh the horrors of moving to suburbia! Except everyone is moving to suburbia...

Yes, children will be horrible if you don't raise them properly. Yes life can get boring if you get married and have kids.

And according to this movie, it's better to die than to be a part of this. Wherever.

I Care a Lot (2020)

Good start. Ridiculous premise.

[3/10 · 24 February 2021]

Without giving away too much, the premise of this movie is patently absurd. It smacks way too much of the same kind of story that Rosamunde Pike played in Gone Girl. She doesn't really get cast to play any other kind of character. It was great until the last 30 min and then become ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. Watch if you want to see an movie about terrible people who win, but get what they deserve.

And btw she's an obvious tranny. If you doubt that please look carefully at "her" Adam's apple. It's on full display throughout most of the movie!

Followed (II) (2018)

Garbage

[1/10 · 12 February 2021]

This is awful. Boring. Stupid. Terrible acting - as in, actors were visibly holding back laughs.

And somehow the end turns into a support of LA's skid row. Which is incredible on so many levels.

Do not watch this trash.

Dare Me (2019–2020)

Teens do drugs and have sex, coach has affair...that's it.

[3/10 · 1 January 2021]

This show doesn't work. Soundtrack makes it sound creepy and serious. None of the subject matter is, and it's all patently absurd.

I remember when stories like the one presented in this show made news headlines - coaches allowing students to drink and participate in drug use IN HER HOME, while she's off having an affair.

Now Netflix makes series about it. Complete trash.

Tiny Pretty Things (2020)

The Asian mom's accent....😱

[1/10 · 26 December 2020]

She sounds like a mentally-ill pirate. Or something.

Terrible acting. The script is just awful. And none of this nonsense about them being "dancers first and actors second."

None of this is believable. The dancers arguing constantly with the choreographers. The overly emotional police officer. The "Muslim" character who galavants around with his shirt off and makes out with other dancers.

Total pablum. Though if you like sitting around making fun of a TV show it's quite amusing.

He's Out There (2018)

Awful

[1/10 · 25 December 2020]

Unoriginal. Boring. Stupid decisions left and right. The camera focus made me feel sick half the movie.

No motives. No explanations. Not scary.

Oh, and the lead "actress" is TRANS! Don't believe me? Look the Adam's apple, arms, face. It's obvious.