slyjimmyslim Reviews

Baahubali 2: The Conclusion (2017)

Thank you India!

[5/10 · 4 August 2023]

I would like to say thank you to India for giving this an 8.2 so I would watch it thinking it was good. If your standards weren't so laughably low I would have missed this five hours (seemed like an eternity) of comedy.

Now, because of these rediculous user ratings for this ridiculous movie, I have sworn off Indian cinema forever. I can never again trust your opinion. But, somewhere, there is a young child with innocence in their heart, who will see that 8.2 and watch this. They too will laugh at it, then swear off Indian cinema forever.

Seriously. Raise your standards. This was garbage. 95% painful nothingness.

5 points because it occasionally looks cool (until it doesn't), and the story was great. It would have been one movie at 1.5 hours long if EVERYTHING weren't in slow-mo. Take out that, the headache inducing music, the telenovella reaction closeups, and all the implausible flying around and you might have something.

Favorite parts: hour 72 with the shield-catapult-people-bombs (seriously) and hour 133 where I finally got that popcorn shell out from between my teeth.

I'm not falling for it ever again.

99 Homes (2014)

Heavy Handed, Yet Thought Provoking

[7/10 · 22 March 2023]

I thought this was pretty good, but definitely not perfect.

The makers of the film were heavy handed in their approach to dealing with the sadness of people losing their homes, but did a good job of showing how some consumers were also to blame for their misfortunes.

It was heavy handed in portraying those trying to make a buck off of the unfortunate situation as snakes, but did a good job of showing how the unfortunate situation created those snakes.

I would have loved it if it had tried to educate people a little more on how not to get taken for everything they're worth as well as expose the consumer-side responsibility for the mortgage crisis.

Madeline's Madeline (2018)

Do not watch this unless you are a pretentious New York arthouse snob.

[1/10 · 14 February 2023]

The only people that will like this are either pretentious New York arthouse snobs, critics who are pretentious New York arthouse snobs, or critics who want to be pretentious New York arthouse snobs.

It's movies like this that forced me to stop listening to critics. I'll take the audience score, thank you very much. Imdb, please never get rid of the audience score!!!

The camera work even made my wife sick. She couldn't make it through, I wish I would have been as lucky.

I'll watch anything and I like 95% of the movies I watch more than the audience score, but this was wretched. It made me extremely happy I don't live in New York.

Mucho Mucho Amor: The Legend of Walter Mercado (2020)

Hagiography.

[5/10 · 4 August 2022]

Pure hagiography. This guy fleeced millions, then got fleeced, and we were supposed to feel sorry for him. The directors glossed right over this. If Bernie Madoff looked like Tammy Fay and worn a cape would he have been endearing too?

I would have preferred knowing more about Walter, perhaps how he felt about scamming people, but there obviously wasn't anyrhing else to learn. The second half of the film was just for the hero worshipers and had nothing to offer people who have never heard of him.

Westworld: Decoherence (2020) Season 3, Episode 6

Jumped the Sharknado

[4/10 · 13 July 2022]

Its so bad it's funny now. I'm only watching now because of my OCD compulsion to finish it. The laughter it evokes is the only good thing anymore.

My girlfriend quit. She can't do it anymore.

Westworld: The Passenger (2018) Season 2, Episode 10

HUH!?!?

[6/10 · 7 July 2022]

If you say you understood this episode, you are lying. My question is "why?"

Nothing in this show is what it seems. If someone dies, they'll be back again. Just to die in slo-mo again later, then, HEY! ALIVE AGAIN! So, nothing matters, and I'm really failing to care anymore.

I have OCD so I will finish the show, but that's the only reason at this point.

Sci-Fi Soap is what this is.

Split (IX) (2016)

Liked it!

[8/10 · 3 August 2021]

I'm going to write a book about Shayamalan. He fascinates me. I am now firmly convinced that he sold his soul to make the Sixth Sense. Every movie he makes since oozes with exposition, to the point of nausea. The Sixth Sense was amazing due largely in part to it's LACK of exposition. I am just dumbfounded as to why he uses it so obnoxiously and shamelessly now. This one, at least, he scratched that itch by just creating an exposition machine in the form of the psychologist (a tepidly awful Betty Buckley). There are other instances (like The Horde crawling on the wall for no good reason), but they are not too distracting. Other than that, this was pretty good. McAvoy bumps it up from a 7 to an 8.

Split is a thinking person's movie from a director who no longer trusts you to think (or maybe he doesn't want you too. Read my book to find out. Lol) but is very suspenseful, well scored, and interesting. It is worth your time.

The Russian Woodpecker (2015)

Very disappointed

[4/10 · 5 February 2021]

I wanted to know about the radar array. Instead I got a horrible conspiracy theory. Why keep the array standing if it was the reason for killing Ukrainians to cover up the fact it doesn't work?!?! Especially once it means any nutter butter draped in plastic with a camera can go investigate?!?!

The creditability was destroyed early, never returned, and left me unable to palate any of this tripe.

Before I Fall (2017)

6 words.

[4/10 · 12 June 2020]

"Lindsay is the one who peed." That is my favorite line from a horrible movie in some time. And yes, that is a spoiler.