guyzradio Reviews

Terminal Error (2002)

AI = Artificial Idiocy

[3/10 · 10 January 2024]

As Terminal Error unraveled, I couldn't help compare it to 2001: A Space Odyssey (IMDb score 8.3), Colossus: The Forbin Project (IMDb score 7.1), and many others that successfully broach the subject of Artificial Intelligence (AI). Also couldn't help but marvel at how badly Terminal mangled the concept despite having three decades during which the most rudimentary knowledge of internet and computers became common.

For example, given that the highest voltage in computer gear (aside from 120Vac going into the power supply) is usually 12Vdc, exploding rack panels and monitors are ridiculous. There would be no source of the voltage needed to produce the fireworks. The keyboard layouts look like something the props department cooked up, when they could have easily gone to a computer store for real computer keyboards and bought a scrap of believability. By 2000, the idea of one large computer controlling every item in a home or business (let alone, most of a city) had gone out the window. If a door lock needed to be intelligent, it probably had its own microprocessor. Cruise missiles launching vertically from silos on US soil is rubbish. Add cheesy special effects, and a variety of voices the virus employs. There's ample other evidence that those responsible for this movie had been living under a rock, technologically speaking.

We also get an OD of the bratty son who makes us understand why some species eat their young. Michael Nouri's character is totally one-dimensional, while Marina Sirtis just seems she never shed the aura of Counselor Troy from Star Trek TNG.

We ultimately must conclude that, for Terminal Error, "AI" has to mean "Artificial Idiocy." Something this bad doesn't happen naturally.

Polar Storm (2009 TV Movie)

A word about "believable" sci-fi

[2/10 · 28 December 2023]

I stumbled on this movie last night, and all I can say is it was written so as to create a barrage of nonsense that could only get past people living under a rock all their lives. It completely trashes a basic tenant of good sci-fi, i.e., create a universe that doesn't contradict itself or known facts of reality, and then stick to it. Where do I start?

First, there are numerous instances of people beginning a journey in on vehicle, and then appearing in two or three more before they arrive at their destinations.

The movie is ripe with scientific gibberish obviously designed to show us how brilliant the writers were, but that is actually tripe that does the exact opposite.

Repairing a military diesel truck by swapping out the battery and an alternator (while calling it a starter motor) with a car will be recognized immediately by any grease monkey as comedic in terms of parts compatibility and the typical time needed to both remove parts from a car and install them in a diesel truck.

The shattered telescope looks like a $100 Walmart special. $4000 would buy a 14"-16" reflector telescope that would hardly be portable.

The scenes of the ground cracking during earthquakes is some of the poorest CGI going. In many of such scenes, material dropping into the fissures can be seen just fading out.

Finally, aficionados of sub movies will groan at the thought of the Russian WWII sub descending more than 300-400 feet, let alone 27,000+ feet to the bottom of the Marianas trench. After unleashing the bombs, the logical thing to do would be for the sub to blow ballast and head for the surface, not camp out over a volcano and hope the rising hot water would save them.

I haven't even gotten to the hammy acting.

Too bad the people responsible for this disaster didn't pay attention in school, but instead demonstrate so little respect for the people they hoped would watch this mess.

Moscow Days, L.A. Nights (2004)

Enjoyable, but details left unresolved

[5/10 · 15 November 2023]

Big fan of Sean Young here, so I was drawn in once I discovered this movie. The possibility of it being a Russian take on detective movies had potential, but sadly, that's not where it went. And, there are many details in the plot that just "sorta happen" without much of an explanation or screen time. For example, Andre is in a relationship with Rachel and end up being married in the movie, but there's no further history or ceremony. The diamonds that are smuggled in on the collar of the "Comrade Doberman" are discovered by Andre and turned over to the police, and the bad guys seem to accept that with no repercussions. Andrei and Rachel head for Mexico, and Rachel ultimately takes off with a bunch of rednecks they meet in a bar because she needs a coke fix. Seems highly unlikely that she would risk the unpleasantries and favors they might expect in return. What I found really unfortunate and not too believable is that Rachel ends up in prison for three years when you would expect her to have gone free, thus placing Andrei and Rachel's going to live in Russia on hold. End of movie. It was like somebody ran out of money or ideas and asked themselves how abruptly they could wrap it up. Overall, not a bad movie, just far shy of fulfilling its potential.

Carnage Collection: Vampire Bloodlust (2023)

The worst movie I've seen yet

[1/10 · 6 November 2023]

NOTE: This is the first review of this POS. How it had a rating of 5.1 with no reviews is a mystery.

I sat through this steaming pile and found it to be a complete joke as far as movies go. There is no plot, no acting talent, and no connection from scene to scene. It just watches like someone threw a pile of film footage into a meat grinder and the grinder spliced them together miraculously into an incoherent 89 minutes of blood and boobage. On top of that, I couldn't tell from scene to scene whether I was watching the same characters, or multiple characters who just happened to conveniently look the same. I HAD to check the "No" box concerning this review containing spoilers. Even if I wanted to spoil the film, I wouldn't know where to start.

Advice to directors Charles Band and Ted Nicolaou: Don't give up your day jobs, unless those jobs happen to be impersonating film directors.

In short, if you are considering watching this movie, drop the remote and run for the nearest exit.

Joe Pickett (2021–2023)

Enjoyable and captivating...except for the pregnancy

[7/10 · 3 May 2023]

I am married to an avid reader who has been through many books by C. J. Box and the author's displeasure with how the book characters were handled in the series. Thus, I wasn't sure what to expect. As a stand-alone work, any such misgivings by the author didn't seem to affect my enjoyment of the series. Other reviewers have noted that "adaptation" is common when books are brough to the screen, so maybe the detractors can take the show on face value and get over it.

There is only one glaring inconsistency I've found in the series, and that is that Ote Keely is murdered shortly after Marybeth announces she is with child, and her tummy then grows noticeably from scene to scene even while his body is still warm in the ground. It's almost like she's discovered a method for compressing the usual 9-month pregnancy to 30 days.

The other story-telling element that seems mishandled is flashbacks to Joe's youth. Usually, there is some clue that the timeline has changed, but not so here. The scene content will tip you off pretty quickly that you are watching a flashback, but it could have been made more immediately obvious.

Neither of these are reasons to avoid the show, as there are many other things to keep you involved. There is supposed to be a season 2 starting up in June 2023. Let's hope it does as well.

Viking Wolf (2022)

So predictable, including the cop-out ending

[5/10 · 23 February 2023]

This review contains spoilers, but any casual werewolf movie buff will have anticipated most of this after 10 minutes of viewing despite being dropped into a story where virtually nothing is explained.

First and foremost, the werewolves (yes, there is more than one) look like the same prop, robot, someone in a rubber suit, or whatever they conjured up to portray this character. It's as if they were about out of money and realized "Oh dear, we still needed a werewolf." If it's CGI, it's a pretty shoddy effort. "Triumph the Insult Dog" is more realistic.

In addition, there is virtually no character development, and in some cases, a completely miscasting of actors. William, the wolf authority, looks like he's too young to shave, and still sports that "first mustache" that looks like a paste-on. Some of the high school partiers are old enough to have spent 12 years in first grade and were driving themselves to school by the second.

The daughter Thale, who becomes the second werewolf, has an attitude that is never explained, with hostility directed toward everyone except her sister Jenny. Neither is it explained why she seems to be an outcast among many of her peers.

There are no details concerning Jenny, the mute sister, who, incidentally, steals the show in her scenes.

The actual relationship of father figure Arthur is a mystery -- is he a live-in, married to Liv, or ?.

The old man who has been chasing werewolves shows up with a box of silver bullets, but we are never clued in what happened to his missing arm or the box of bullets dropped into someone's coat (his own, officer/mom's Liv's, or ?). It is also unfathomable that, once learning they are confronting a werewolf, Liv does not pre-load her pistol with the bullet(s).

The final straw, so to speak, the ending of the movie, where we are left hanging as to whether Thale has been spared by Liv, or the blood on Arthur's left wrist is from being bitten by the now fully wolf-ized Thale. Again, it appears they not only ran out money for making a werewolf, but also any fresh ideas for finishing the movie.

I didn't expect much from this fiasco, and I have enjoyed many Scandanavian movies that successfully weave in fantasy and Norse folklore. Viking Wolf falls far short.

Who Killed Santa? A Murderville Murder Mystery (2022 TV Special)

Total Tripe

[1/10 · 24 December 2022]

One reviewer said "not quite up to Agetha Christy." Whoever thought up this "project" isn't worthy of reloading the ink in Agetha's fountain pen. The real mystery is how any of the cast could be enticed to appear in what is a painful, hour-long extension of what would make the worst Saturday Night Live skit in history (and they have aired some doozies). Are they really that desperate for a paycheck?

For one thing, Jason Bateman can only play one character: Jason Batement. His quippish line delivery is always the same, regardless of the movie, and it gets boring pretty quickly. Jason never gets lost in the character. The character gets lost in Jason.

When Pete Davidson shows up, he seldom adds anything. Instead of trying to be an actor, perhaps Pete should be content with being famous for being friends with someone famous for nothing more than being famous.

This is NOT improv at its best. It's a bunch of people who can't improvise thinking that they can. Reviews often contain the lament "X hours of my life I'll never get back." Avoid this mess and waste your time some other way.

The Crown: Mou Mou (2022) Season 5, Episode 3

How the mighty have fallen

[6/10 · 10 November 2022]

Perhaps Season 4 with its uncanny resemblances to real-life faces and mannerisms spoiled me. None the less, Season 5 has been a disappointment, now having achieved the status of an expensive soap opera.

Characters seem to be caricatures of themselves. A frumpy Queen. A grumpy Philip. An unconvincing portrayal of Princess Diana that quickly wears out as she overuses casting her head down and peeking upward through her bangs. Poor Charles... so misunderstood. An entire episode chiefly about the Al Fayed family seems like filler.

After anticipating Season 5 with high hopes and always hoping for some sort of closure at the end of a season, I now see S5 spills over to a Season 6. Will it never end?

Father Stu (2022)

Mark Wahlberg at his best

[8/10 · 27 October 2022]

In "Father Stu," Mark Wahlberg plays a young man and ex-boxer whose life is out of control as he heads for L. A. and a career in the movies. Per the old wisdom "Man plans and God laughs," Stu Long experiences a series of events that put him on the path to becoming a priest.

I've come to enjoy Mark Wahlberg in any of his movies I've watched, but my expectations have never been high, and I haven't been moved by any of them until Father Stu. This is an incredible leap from 1991 and the hip-hop group "Marky Mark (Wahlberg) and the Funky Bunch." After the Bunch disbanded, Wahlberg remained in the music business until 1998 when he turned to acting.

Regardless of whether you are Roman Catholic, Protestant, or non-religious, there are messages in the movie that are real gems, one of the most relevant being to ask not for an easy life, but the strength to endure a difficult one.

Father Stu gets its message across without being preachy, while weaving in some humor and a good helping of off-color dialog at times when it is least appropriate. Great performances by the entire cast, every one of which seems to be a perfect for their respective roles.

Father Stu is worthy of a much better rating than it got on IMDb. See it and sleep on it. You may wake up a changed person.

Midnight Mass (2021)

Full of cheap gimmicks but not much else

[5/10 · 23 October 2022]

I've finish episode 5 and I'm still waiting for this mish-mosh to present something more than a totally disjointed story line and loud outbursts to help remind you you've just watched something that should have elicited a gratuitous jump on your part.

It seems the writers have cherry-picked their way through horror flicks and borrowed elements that, while working in the originals, have no relationship to each other when heaped together in this series. Perhaps most laughable is an angel who looks like a gargoyle that lacks scales who is actually a vampire resembliong Gollum from "Lord of the Rings." I will finish the last two episodes out of sheer curiosity, but I expect things to get worse.

A score of 7.x is a gift. Forget this one. There are better viewing options.

Human Capital (2019)

Obviously took itself too seriously

[3/10 · 27 September 2022]

About 2/3 of the way in, the question was where is this movie going? By the end, the obvious answer as "nowhere."

Characters are shallow and stereotyped. The plot remained totally predictable despite the flashbacks and rewrapping of the timeline. At least in some movies, you get a "XX days earlier" or similar flag. "Human Capital" just springs them on you. The first time, the natural reaction is puzzlement, but even that becomes predictable. My sense of it is somebody thought this was an example of creativity. Not.

A lot of well-regarded actors obviously wasted their time and talent on this train wreck. One of the most disappointing flicks I've watched.

We Die Young (2019)

If you are a Jean-Claude fan, DO NOT watch this movie

[4/10 · 6 September 2022]

With Jean-Claude Van Damme in the teaser, I thought, "Why not. I know what to expect." Not so fast, Pilgrim. Apparently, he is there to draw in viewers, but his actual contribution to the story is minimal and could have been handled by an actor as obscure as the rest of the cast.

In a nutshell, this movie goes nowhere and takes 92 minutes to get there. MANY pieces of the plot (if you can call it that) are unexplained -- events lack context. Jean-Claude, having been wounded in Afghanastan, does not speak a single line. The fight scenes where he is involved are devoid of any of the Jean-Claude signature moves, and the "jerky-cam" techniques make what there is virtually unwatchable. Minimal character development, many cliches, and highly predictable. If the point of the movie was to demonstrate the downsides and dangers of drug dealing and street life, there are simpler ways to make the point. A depressing disappointment.

Reprisal (I) (2018)

Far less than the sum of its parts

[4/10 · 26 August 2022]

Reprisal is a near unwatchable mish-mosh of lack-luster characters, uninspired acting, cliche gun fights, unanswered questions, and outright errors. To name a few:

Wife and daughter are there to serve as the object of a kidnapping. Otherwise, their contributions to the story are nil. Gabriel could have kidnapped Jacob's dog if he had one with about the same dramatic relevance.

Daughter is portrayed as diabetic, but parents are constantly concerned with "low numbers" and encourage her to drink all her orange juice, eat a candy bar, etc. These are signs of ongoing diabetic mismanagement. Parents are obviously clueless how to care for their daughter.

Gun fight during the final chase is ludicrous, as Jacob's semi-auto pistol (which he pulled stealthily from James' back waist) shoots far more than a clip's worth of ammo. When he runs out, he pops in another clip. From where?? Police do dumb stuff, like standing in the open to shoot at Gabriel. Gabriel's submachine gun never runs out of bullets. Barrel should have melted down.

Movie concludes as Jacob ends up on the police force, even though he attempted to make off with $300k from Gabriel's heist-gone-wrong. How did he wiggle out of that one? So much for thorough background checking.

Looking back through IMDb's cast photos, half of them made no memorable impression. It was also hard sometimes to distinguish Jacob from Gabriel. Both had dark hair and stubbly beards. Deliberate, or just careless casting?

Based on Bruce Willis' recent movies, he is close to stage four of the "actor's arc": Who's Bruce Willis? Get me Bruce Willis! Get me a YOUNG Bruce Willis. Who's Bruce Willis?

Best part of this movie was the reviews. Your dog wrote a suicide note? Rich.

Pottersville (2017)

Delightful, light viewing for Christmas

[7/10 · 19 April 2022]

We discovered "Pottersville" the day after Easter, which is about as far off Christmas festivities as you can get. Immediately, familiar faces (Ian McShane, Ron Pearlman) began to show up, and we were confident this would be a movie with some merit. We were not disappointed.

There is a plot. The humor is fairly continuous, but not slapstick or overplayed. The spirit of a down-an-out community is captured in a way the view can feel, as are Michael Shannon's depiction of Maynard Greiger's despair yet hopeful outlook. Perhaps most entertaining are homages to the movies "Jaws" and "It's a Wonderful Life," which are woven unobtrusively into the story with excellent timing and in just the right amount. The title "Pottersville" was an early indication something was coming.

This is a better movie than the IMDb score would have you believe, and all done without nudity, vulgarity, or padding the film beyond a very adequate 1:24. It deserves to be seen every year.

Beerfest (2006)

A bunch of cliche, tasteless, unfunny trash from unknowns

[1/10 · 19 April 2022]

I fell asleep watching this movie, so checked IMDb anyway to see if I should go back and review in the light of day. Well, that was a mistake. The funniest part of this movie is the deathbed video by Donald Sutherland. The rest of the movie is SO bad, it's easy to conclude Sutherland's lack of a credit was his own decision. Do not waste your time. The IMDb rating was an undeserved gift.

Splatter (2009)

The exact opposite of a '50's sitcom

[1/10 · 20 January 2022]

Back in the 1950's, before commercials consumed 10 minutes of a half-hour TV show, they knew how to introduce a story, develop the plot, reach and resolve a crisis, and tidy up before rolling the credits. Splatter is not much more than the steaming pile of entrails it attempts to exploit. It even fails as at guts 'n' gore, which is about all it might have had going for it. After 30 minutes, I have to wonder why I bothered sitting through it. There must be a different Roger Corman involved in this train wreck.

Zombeavers (2014)

Stupid, vulgar, not funny

[1/10 · 17 January 2022]

If you do nothing more than scan the cast and quotes, it's easy to conclude Zombeavers is an attempt to wrap as many base, tasteless elements as possible into something resembling a movie. After watching "Day of the Dead: Bloodline," I estimated Zombeavers should get a score in the low 2's. Zombeavers doesn't deserve a 4.8, or even a 3. It's one thing for a movie to get a low score because the film maker tried doing better and mised the mark. It's something else entirely to knowingly make a movie that's trash from the get-go.

Day of the Dead: Bloodline (2017)

The movie version of "click bait"

[3/10 · 13 January 2022]

Having seen the classic "Night of..." flick and a few Living Dead spin-offs, I watched "Day of the Dead: Bloodline" expecting, well..., something. Being drawn in by claims this is a "retelling" or "reimagining" will lead to a dashing of expectations in a just few minutes. The plot is predictable and includes the usual "Well, that was a dumb move" scenarios that ruin somebody's day. Acting is blah, and fast-cut jerky fight scenes with zombies have little visual impact. I won't elaborate further, as reading a few other reviews will supply the details. However, I did find it odd that a couple good guys get spattered with zombie blood, but simply wipe their hands and faces, and life goes on despite zombie-ism being caused by a virus.

Jiu Jitsu (2020)

A true enigma on so many levels, and forgettable

[3/10 · 11 January 2022]

So, I watch movies late night on Netflix, and I think I chose this one because of Nicolas Cage and Frank Grillo. That's mystery #1, as Cage seems to be in the twilight years of film making. I actually forgot he was supposed to appear until he finally did some ways into the movie. The last great performance I remember for Cage was Moonstruck; nowadays, he just seems to take whatever he can find to keep cashflow positive. Mystery #2 was what actually happened in this movie? OK, so they saved all of humanity after a 2000 year battle, but they did it with a flair that would land the story somewhere inside the New York Times next to the hog price reports. Mystery #3 was how clueless the band of merry Earthlings had to be not to figure out a way to prevail over the alien. It seemed they threw ideas at him haphazardly in hopes something would stick, somehow ignoring his weaknesses which they were aware of. Mystery #4 was how I managed to stay awake for the whole movie. Oh yeah -- the comet was really cheesy. I marked Jiu Jitsu as watched so I don't mistakenly watch it again.

Léon: The Professional (1994)

Perhaps the sleeper of the century

[9/10 · 6 October 2021]

I watched it on a lark and walked away amazed. It is Natalie Portman's first movie. When they finished filming, they must have realized what a talent she is. It was like watching Jody Foster in Taxi Driver. Every other role perfectly played, including Gary Oldman whose character is a bit off the rails. It's a magnificent flick, beautifully directed. See it!

Jaws 3-D (1983)

It's a movie about fish. It tanked.

[2/10 · 2 October 2021]

On Netflix, the movie is called "Jaws 3," probably because the 3-D effects are so unimaginably bad they decided to forget the "D." Recently, my viewing of the original "Jaws" became a Jaws-a-Thon of watching Jaws 2-4 (Revenge). The review scores range, in order, range from 8, 5.8, 3.7, and 3 for J1 to Revenge. If ever there was a proof that sequels are the kiss of death, this franchise is it, and I use the word "franchise" loosely. In some ways, Revenge is actually better than 3. At least in Revenge, the shark had the good taste to upchuck Mario Van Peebles for his totally fake sounding Jamaican accent.

First, J3 is one large product placement for Sea World. The acting is terrible. Rather than making Mike Brody into likeable quality, Dennis Quaid turns him into an "anti-character" that seem to telegraph the message "I know this movie is a loser; what was I thinking? Oh yeah,...paycheck." Lou Gossett has done a better job in far better movies. Lea Thompson's cuteness couldn't save it. The rest are forgettable.

Jaws 3 is predictable and boring, and any cinematic qualities are overshadowed by how awful the movie is. The original Jaws movie had the benefit of being the first, but any novelty was wearing thin in the second installment. By 3 and 4, it was old hat. If they would come out with "Jaws, the Musical," it couldn't get much worse.

Jupiter's Legacy (2021)

Can't make up its mind what it wants to be

[3/10 · 10 May 2021]

Show looked promising before I started to watch. In practice, it's a miss-mosh of individual stories , each of which could have served as the basis for a more interesting series. Instead, we get cliche characters: a domineering father super hero whose view of the world is so black-and-white it's hard to imagine why other super heroes didn't smother him in his sleep, an out of control super-hero daughter, a brow-beaten super hero son, obnoxious lesser super heroes, etc. Totally unrealistic for characters whose mental development is clearly un-super. Have been through four episodes and can't keep watching. Heaven forbid it actually gets a season 2. Once again, Netflix demonstrates the belief slapping their name on just any ol' thing makes it good.

Madame Claude (2021)

When it was over, there was nothing to think about

[5/10 · 15 April 2021]

Another late-night viewing on Netflix that I had high hopes for -- French and all that. What struck me early on was the frequency of gratuitous sex scenes that added very little to the sparse story line. I mean, how much gyration and reciprocation are needed to convey what's happening. I did a quick mental comparison to "Nymphomaniac" which likewise had its share of explicit scenes. Nymphomaniac left a few issues that could be explored after the fact, e.g., the cost and eventual outcome of addiction of any sort. Mme Claude could have benefitted from a gratuitous something to ponder while smoking and staring at the ceiling. It won't be the last hour and 52 minutes.

L'ultimo paradiso (2021)

Movie didn't know what it was supposed to be about

[5/10 · 10 February 2021]

Based on the title and first few minutes of the film, "L'ultimo Paradiso" (The Last Paradiso) could have taken any number of interesting paths. I loved Cinema Paradiso... nope, L'ultimo was a different Paradiso. The photography and setting were reminiscent of parts of The Godfather, complete with a possible early Don Ciccio.... well, a prequel, it wasn't either. Neither did it develop as a struggle of olive growers against a repressive system, or a story of a blood feud as the Paradiso family seeks vengeance, nor any of a half dozen themes that are barely touch and then forgotten. And so it was for the next hour and a half, as the movie wandered from one potential story line to the next leaving a trail of unanswered questions, including an unlikely ending. I expected more, and kept hoping up to the credit roll. This was definitely not great Italian cinema.

Friendsgiving (2020)

Total waste of time

[2/10 · 30 January 2021]

I can't tell you anything about the plot (if there really is one). Had to bail after 20 minutes. This is one pointless, awful movie full of annoying characters.