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Reviews
Shadow Lake (1999)
Trust No One Especially xphile 9
This is more a comment on the commenter than the movie. I'm wondering if xphhle 9 simply reads the information on IMDb and then takes a guess as to what the movie was about. Actually, the comments are about 60% correct, which is pretty good if you're just guessing, I guess. But there are enough factual errors in the comments to fill a relatively small encyclopedia...maybe a wikipedia. But, enough about xphile 9 Shadow Lake is especially good when it comes to coming up with a title. I like the Shadow Lake title so well that I watched the entire movie. It's an okay movie, relatively predictable, but if you're on dialysis and can't really get up and go anywhere, watching the movie isn't a total waste of time. So what if the acting is similar to Mrs. Gruver's kindergarten class play. I'm betting the parents of the actors in Shadow Lake enjoyed every minute of this movie...one so much, he jumped on stage and acted (poorly) with his son. If I had cable that only showed Lifetime movies and that shopping channel, I'd pick Shadow Lake every time. It was that good.
The Sixth Sense (1999)
I See Dumb People
First, let me say, hitting the spoiler alert for this movie is akin to telling you that Soylent Green is people. Secondly, I didn't read every reader comment, but virtually every comment I read raved about the surprise ending. I'm not a smart guy, I assure you. But, I didn't figure the ending out after the first five minutes. I figured it out with two pieces of information - a kid sees dead people and there is a really surprising ending. Think about it. What could that surprise ending be? Hmmm, maybe that the kid is really dreaming? Oh yeah, that would leave the audience enthralled. Maybe he only saw people who were neurotic and thought they were dying? I like that, but it's a bit too sophisticated for Bruce Willis. Could there be any other surprise ending than that Bruce Willis is dead? What made me want to see the picture was to find out how a dead guy can't figure out he's dead. Did the director do such a masterful job that you couldn't go back and catch on? To answer that question...no, it's painfully obvious that Bruce Willis is dead, right from the moment you see him being ignored by everyone around him. I guess the point is that dead people are as dumb as the audiences who go to see films about them. Even if the movie had done a little better job of hiding the fact that Willis is being totally ignored, common sense would tell you that there would have had to be some interaction as he was recovering from his gunshot wounds. And, where was he during his funeral. Okay, I'll admit, I turned the movie off after about 30 minutes. So maybe these issues were dealt with, but I'm willing to bet that even if they were, they weren't dealt with in a very convincing manner. Anyway, I think the movie stunk, or is that stinked. After all, I ain't too bright myself.
10.5: Apocalypse (2006)
Every Dog Must Have It's (2) Day (Mini-Series)
Did you see that NBC mini-series this past week? I think its title was "10.5 Cliché Apocalypse." It had to be perhaps the worst TV movie ever, and, yet, at the same time, absolutely riveting. It was like every cliché ever done in every B movie joins forces with the worst special effects Hollywood has ever produced (at least in the past 50 years) and attacks every landmark that the average semi-brain-dead TV viewer could possibly imagine. In one action-packed mini- series you get to see nature in all its fury attack Hawaii, Las Vegas, the Hoover Dam, Mount Rushmore and much more. How cool can you get? The only thing the writers forgot was to give someone a mild case of bird flu. There, my friend, would go the perfect screenplay. What was particularly touching about the movie though was that in the midst of absolutely devastating destruction and unparalleled loss of life, the key characters took the time to have meaningful dialogue with one another. For instance, there was the President's semi-homely (think an ugly Amy Carter, if your mind will allow you to do that) daughter who feels over protected and wants to prove she's up to the challenge of helping to save lives. The only problem is she really can't save lives. In fact, she can't do much more than carry towels around the earthquake torn areas. First, why would FEMA waste money sending someone to a disaster relief site who had no more skills than carrying towels? Oops, I guess I answered my own question. Anyway the daughter gets out into the field and immediately realizes she can't put her finger in the open wound of another person without nearly passing out. So the good doctor stops trying to help the injured and begins his own special process of helping the President's daughter to heal emotionally. I'm sure that if I were bleeding to death I'd be more than understanding if such a thing were to happen. Then there was this lady scientist who is evidently fighting the emotional demons of having a brilliant scientist father who after getting his feelings hurt parlays his genius into a successful poker career. Finally, as fate would have it, the father and daughter are reunited. And, as the United States splits into two killing everyone in the path of a fast-moving cartoon crevice, father and daughter take a little time out to reflect on their troubled past. Very touching, I must say. There were other great story lines masterfully woven into the spellbinding plot. And I stayed in a constant state of amazement that all of the main characters had time to resolve their silly little personal issues while virtually everyone they knew was lying dead around them. Wouldn't it be nice if in real life, we stopped worrying about trivialities like people dying, and took the time to really get in touch with our feelings? The most amazing thing about the whole story was that there was no hero...no one came along and saved the day. Despite the fact that the brilliant card-playing ex-scientist proclaims, "Hey, we have a great big world to save," in the end, the rift in the earth's substrata (or whatever) won. It tore the U.S. in two, in a most animated way. But, and here's the really touching part, just before the credits (blames) roll, President Beau Bridges states rather philosophically, in so many words, "Well the country has been cut in half, but we're still one country." Nothing truly unites a nation like a new fault line creating a permanent geo-physical split down its center. I guess the basic moral of the story was it doesn't really matter how many people die. As long as you can end up with a comforting cliché all is right in the world. I, for one, don't buy into that theory. As my old pappy used to tell me, "Son," he said. "Avoid clichés like the plague." I've always subscribed to his (my pappy's) theory, and all I can say is that all's well that ends well. Or, do I say if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade? Funny, I can't remember what it is I always say, but I'm always saying it, that's for sure.
Sudden Terror: The Hijacking of School Bus #17 (1996)
I thought I hated the movie
I was sitting there thinking this was a really bad movie. And, then, I see Welton Barker's comments. Out of the blue, it hits me. Well, actually that was the remote being hurled at me by my wife as she yelled for me to change the channel. I would have done just that had I not been mesmerized by Barker's stunningly in-depth critique. With tears in my eyes, I watched the rest of the movie. Every time I thought I was getting bored, I reread Barker's comments. I can tell you that it changed my life in such a profound way, that I am now able to use the word "profundity" with pride. Thank you Welton Barker, and, of course, thank you IMDb for making this whole thing possible.