clint-cole Reviews

Lucky Number Slevin (2006)

Predictably Unpredictable

[7/10 · 11 April 2006]

This movie did many things good, but failed to do one thing right. Many people compared this movie to 'Snatch' or 'Pulp Fiction', but it fails to compare to either of them. Both of those movies have twists, like this one does, but those twists are less predictable and more entertaining. Both of those movies followed different intersecting plot lines, but the lines were so vividly different that when they did intersect they had violent and entertaining reactions. Sleven had one plot line that jumped around a bit. I was expecting more. With every twist I was mildly amused but not fully entertained.

This was worth the money, and worth the time. Considereing what was out in theaters at the time, it was the best choice.

What I would have changed: Throw in Christopher Walken as one of the bosses, and a villain that isn't a pawn. Someone like Kevin Spacey would have done nicely. Cut Ben Kingsley and you've got a movie. Nothing against Kingsley. He just wasn't right there.

I'm just glad it didn't have Ben Affleck or 50 Cent anywhere in it.

Darkness (2002)

As scary as a bunny

[6/10 · 5 April 2006]

Why? Please, Hollywood, just once create a horror film that is NOT cliché.

The general plot of this film is a family caught in an evil house. At one point, the entire family had left the house, and the only one of them intelligent enough to realize that the house was evil went back for a reason that eludes me. First of all, the events occurring through the movie are OBVIOUS to all the characters but one continue to be in this inexplicable denial, and choose to remain. Second of all, if I realize that this house is definitely evil, and my family is out, but will return later that night, the first thing I will do is burn it down. Better to be jailed for arson than die, in my opinion. In fact this obvious blunder by the characters made me mad. I am actually mentally bothered by it.

If I see director Jaume Balaguero on the street I'm going to inform him of his stupidity. My only hope is that he would hear me out and never put out another S#!t movie.

My advice is rent Prophecy and call it a night.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

The Mutants Versus The Retards

[2/10 · 22 March 2006]

If by 'horror' you mean 'horrible' then that is the correct genre of this movie. I took a date to it because she likes horror movies and rarely gets the opportunity to enjoy one. We sat down and got ready for some entertainment.

Instead, what was served to us was an eyesore of crap. Some movies rely on visual effects to stun their audiences. This movie was set in the desert, so there was no scenery change. The coolest effect I saw was someone on fire, and the fire was even questionable.

I'm not finished ragging yet.... The movie took FOREVER to get going. I think it was trying to hold our suspense, but instead it just bored me. The first 30 minutes is the family gasing up and changing their oil. The writers could have easily circumvented this whole pointless scene of them gasing up and getting bad directions by having them get lost and break down.

Also, I can understand the actors making cliché mistakes for the forwarding of the plot in standard horror movies, but this movie was ridiculous. I found myself constantly asking WHY would anyone in their right mind do that. They were practically killing themselves.

The freaks/zombies/whatever weren't scary. The special affects here included some 80s style horror flick face adhesives and some makeup. They weren't superhuman. They just seemed dumb and determined to rape/kill everyone. Given a 9mm with a full clip, a 5 year old could've taken them all down. I would've been more frightened of the radiation in the area making me sick than I would be from the mutants. Maybe next time have the radiation give them super abilities, like invisibility, so I don't have to see an abomination of make up artistry. And for god's sake, spend a little money on some up to date special effects.

This crap chute of a movie gets 2/10, for wasting my time, being disgusting, making my date feel awkward about rape, charging me to much money, and embarrassing itself to the public.

Sahara (2005)

Decent Flick

[7/10 · 21 December 2005]

Sahara begins with a visually stunning battle scene. This scene is possibly the best part of the whole movie. The rest of the movie revolves around that scene.

The plot development is great at first. The structure is two different plots intertwining into one, with the two main characters bumping into each other throughout. It begins as suspenseful and realistic... To bad it doesn't keep those two elements up.

The movie flows into some twists that have you rolling your eyes. Also, the music was inappropriate at some points, playing scores that had noting to do with the plot, location, mood, etc.

I found myself gripped at first, then bored by the end. Overall, this movie is a Tuesday night yawner. Have a beer and watch while the laundry runs.

6.5(7)/10... possible degrade to 6 later.

High Plains Drifter (1973)

Drift Somewhere Else

[1/10 · 16 December 2005]

This is one of three movies to ever receive the '1' rating from me. Many reviews written by people are either 1 or 10, nowhere in between. Most people either like a film or don't, period. I am not one of those. My life is movies. I watch all kinds, and give them the rating they deserve.

Now then... What the hell are you thinking Clint Eastwood? Where's the artistic talent? Maybe it was there but I was so appalled by the rape scene I missed it.. Rape can be a very antagonizing element when added properly to a film. This instance served no purpose. Also I kept falling asleep during the scene where the whole town (all 11 of them) are shooting at a dummy on a wagon for like half an hour.

The problem with this movie is the choice of events to progress the plot. They seem tasteless and make the plot drag rather than keep interest. Western lovers will love this because it's a western. If, however, you love a good movie for all the reasons that make a movie good, avoid this one at all costs.

Mystic River was also directed by Clint Eastwood and it sucks for the same reason this one does. Some people never change. Way to go! Another movie of his (Blood Work) had some pretty gross scenes and just focused on how decrepit he was, not to mention it was as predictable as the taste of celery.

Clint Eastwood needs to schedule a luncheon with Spielberg, Tarentino, or Sam Mendes and maybe beg them for a few pointers.

Dude, Clint, you don't deserve my name. Your movies are designed to appall, so I guess that makes you a success. Congratulations, you suck.

Blue Velvet (1986)

Striking, Entertaining, Engrossing

[6/10 · 15 December 2005]

You're disease is in me! There are few movies out there that can bring to mind opposite emotions at the same time. Erotic and disgusting, scary and funny, boring and colorful are all appropriate descriptions for different scenes in this movie.

This movie has the habit of adding tension to a scene that the characters seem to find very normal. At other times the thrills won't let up.

However, I have a few complaints I can't ignore. (spoilers herein) 1)At one point the lead cop allows his daughter to rush into a room with him where they both just heard a gunshot come from. No officer would ever let any civilian rush in with them, especially their teenage daughter.

2)When the main character's 'love' discovers he had sex with another woman, she forgives him within 2 seconds of him saying 'he's sorry'. Then they go into 'I love you!'s. I've dated my share of women and no female would EVER react like that...... ever..... never..... believe me..... nope.

3)The lead bad guy kidnaps this young man for suspicion and jealousy. He takes him to the scene of his main crime, lets him witness drug abuse, and finally beats him just to let him go. Very anti-climatic.

Overall a great movie, specific scenes I would rate '9'. Overall '6/10'.

Kazaam (1996)

Why didn't I give this a rating of 1?!? Answer:

[2/10 · 12 December 2005]

It didn't cause physical pain. If I take prescription medication after a movie, it gets a '1'. A good example is the outer space sequences in '2001:a space Odyssey'. The repetitive forced breathing made me pass out.

'Kazaam' is nothing short of annoying. A rapping genie in a boom box discovered by a spoiled little kid. You know the kind of kid you see in the grocery store giving their parent hell because they want a candy bar. Imagine a movie jam packed with that. If I had gotten a boom box when I was a kid I would be appreciative, much less a genie inside.

I fell asleep during 2 attempts to watch this movie. Honestly I didn't make a third attempt, so I have no idea how it ends, but then again I don't CARE.

Brazil (1985)

Brazil

[6/10 · 9 December 2005]

Uhm... where to start. First of all, this is a good review. Great movie, nice theme. It was as funny as it was odd, which is definitely a good thing. There has never been anything like it in the past, and I'm sure won't be another one like it in the future. I could detect a hint of Monty Python in it, which seemed to keep the film moving. Its quick wit and willingness to sacrifice the accepted genre of comedy to take a risk is admirable.

The political and dramatic undertones of 'Brazil' add the perfect setting for adults to enjoy this movie, with enough slap stick to keep the kids entertained.

My only problem is that the theme song is stuck in my head.

'We're all in this thing together'

Beetlejuice (1988)

Nice FU#KN' Model!!!!

[7/10 · 9 December 2005]

This is by far Michael Keaton's best performance. Every time he comes on the screen he displays such an eccentric performance that it rivals Jim Carrey from 'The Mask', only without as much help from computers. If his role calls for gross he brings revolting; pushy he brings offensive; witty he brings hilarious sarcasm. One of my few complaints is that he doesn't get enough screen time, although he does have a large portion of it, most goes to Gena Davis and Alec Baldwin.

Tim Burton's directing is great. My favorite scene by far doesn't even have Michael Keaton in it. Anyone who has seen this will remember it as the dancing dinner scene.

This is a classic. If you haven't seen it then you must've'e grown up under a rock or born before I was.

Pearl Harbor (2001)

Historical Atrocity

[5/10 · 9 December 2005]

There was quite simply only one thing wrong with this movie. The title. If this movie was called 'Attack on a base' or something it would've'e spared those of us with a sense of historical reverence associated with one of the only two times in the last century the United States was attacked on its own ground. The attack on Pearl Harbor, just like any significant military loss/victory or historical catastrophe (i.e. Napoleonic Wars, Holocaust, American Revolution), is served an insulting blow by having a cookie cutter Hollywood love triangle.

Ben Afleck, you suck. Before this movie you were simply a bad actor whom I could overlook. But by taking this role you showed your ignorance and lack of talent.

If you have no sense of history, and you like bad acting, then this movie is a gem and belongs right between 'you got served' and 'jingle all the way' in your DVD collection (you meat-head).

Æon Flux (2005)

Aeon Flux (pronounced me-D-oh-Kur)

[6/10 · 8 December 2005]

Among other user comments that do not rave, but give a nodding acceptance to another action movie, my comment won't stand out as raving about how delicious it was, or that I hate it either. This is another middle of the road movie your going to see on peoples shelves from time to time, if they like Theron.

Strengths: Nice Flow of events. The plot truly unraveled without becoming to stagnate, predictable, or confusing. After the first major plot twist I found myself predicting it wouldn't be the last. I'm never wrong. There are also decent special effects. You won't find any cheesy Catwoman/Blade2 computer crapola. Also my date enjoyed it, so that's a plus.

Weaknesses: Where's the in depth character progression? I found myself unable to relate to main characters that were having life altering revelations. Who are these people? The intro was one like Underworld's brief narrated one. However, Underworld had one redeeming characteristic that this movie falls entire to short of. Kate Beckinsale wrapped in the most seductive skin tight leather I've ever seen. Theron's outfit made her shoulders look broad and wasn't the eye candy I was hoping for. There's really nothing to come back to see. Other than the plot, this movie is just a run of the mill action.

Willow (1988)

Fantastic

[8/10 · 7 December 2005]

Versatility is the key to this movie. You can watch it with the kids, by yourself, or with the guys(for some reason us men find midgets intriguing). You've got elements of humor, adventure, and suspense that are unparalleled by most movies of today's time.

Made back in the 80s this movie exhibits special effects with an element of fantasy. As far as fantasy movies go, this movie was not surpassed until the release of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. George Lucas again displays brilliance in another genre of movies. This movie achieved for fantasy what Indiana Jones did for Action/Adventure and Star Wars did for Sci-Fi.

A must see!

The Keeper of Time (2004 Video)

Like Jello Minus the Flavor

[4/10 · 7 December 2005]

There are some aspects of this movie that are noteworthy. First of all It had a good hair stylist on the set. Second of all it had some special effects that I wouldn't expect to see in such a low budget movie. However, the plot was a predictable cheese fest. I fell asleep three times during attempts to watch this movie, and the acting is a bit over the top, especially on the part of the kid. This is a family friendly B rate movie, but not the worst I've seen. I would rate it over some A rate movies, but not many. The point is, I can stand to watch this movie, and if given a small amount of money, watch it again. So I bestow a rating of '4' (not as entertaining as the B rate 'Monkey Shines', but not as intellectually insulting as the B rate 'Absolute Aggression') onto this not so epic. In terms of B rate movies, this is a '9'.

Troy (2004)

Waste of potential

[7/10 · 12 November 2005]

Large budget, large actors, and a proved director. I would expect a 9 rated movie at the least. Taken at face value this is an exceptional movie, a 7. It's potential far surpassed its achievement. The scripted Orlando Bloom being a pansy to the shallow love affair by Brad Pitt. If only directors would see the obvious shortcomings of a film and change it into a great film. If you want to see a great war movie, this is it. Detailed battle scenes and elaborate props make for something you can really enjoy. This movie is like a boiled steak. It's still going to make for great eating, but in the end your going to be disappointed because you know what it could have been.

Absolute Aggression (1996)

Did they try?

[2/10 · 12 November 2005]

I'm actually at a loss for words. It's obvious the actors read the script while getting into costume, if you want to call them actors, and if you want to call what there getting into costumes.

One specific scene epitomizes the entire movie. A specific scene where the main characters fight off a group of tanks with nothing more than a four wheeler, a few sticks of dynamite, and a cigar. The only redeeming quality that seemed to target a certain audience was the topless female nudity, not to mention it stars a female porn artist. This could either be construed as a unprovocative porn or an unprovocative motion picture. Either way, you lose.

Mystic River (2003)

Visual Gag Reflex

[1/10 · 12 November 2005]

Let me nutshell the movie for you: A little boy gets raped. The little boy grows up. A teenage daughter of a mob boss gets murdered. Then the little boy, all grown up gets murdered by the mob boss. Then the mob boss finds out he was wrong in murdering the guy, moves on. A cop also knows about the whole incident, but decides to overlook it since they were all friends.

While this same plot if directed properly could have ended up as a fabulous movie with elements of irony and dark humor, Clint Eastwood fails to capture anything but disgusting acts of pointless violence.

I took a date to see this movie in theaters and haven't been that disgusted and embarrassed in a long time.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Come again

[1/10 · 12 November 2005]

On second thought, please don't. This is a movie with three plots, all of which have the potential of going somewhere, but don't. The first plot: Discovery of something that causes a colony to lose contact with base. The second plot: A computer running a space ship decides to go homicidal. The third plot: On a mission to Saturn, an astronomer encounters a different dimension? This movie is supposed to be an artistic movie, but instead it becomes annoying when halfway through you have to listen to sustained and muffled breathing for an extended period of time during which the plot crawls forward at a snails pace. Toward the end there are flashing colors and irritating scrawling noises that are supposed to be special effects. For as much respect as I have for 'A Clockwork Orange', Stanley Kubrick fails to meet his own standards.

Monkey Shines (1988)

Barely hurtles 'gutter' rating

[5/10 · 12 November 2005]

This movie is made in '88, so if you excuse some of the not savvy stunt work and go easy on the lacking plot, you have a decent 80s horror flick. To call an 80s horror flick decent is saying something. If you've got nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon, sit back with this middle of the road film. Not great, not bad. There are some scenes meant to be serious that are actually really funny just because of how ridiculous they are. However, the biggest downfall of this movie is the ending that refuses to end. Like a 25 year old loosing his virginity after whacking off three times a day for the last decade, this plot takes forever to climax.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Edge-Of-Seat

[10/10 · 12 November 2005]

Not many movies would get a 10 out of 10 rating from me, but this one does. Not only does this movie keep you riveted on every plot twist, but this movie is a flagship for independent filmmakers everywhere. No movie since or before had the same dark comedy and attitude of this film. Tarentino had the tenacity to take actors and actresses and provoke the kind of performance necessary to bring them to their prime. Every scene is directed to perfection, leaving you stunned by the turn of events. While watching, I suggest looking for specific lags in the dialog and plot. When you think you recognize one, where nothing is happening, grab onto something and brace yourself because the movie is about to take a wild swing into action. This movie is a must see for all adult audiences.