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The Lords of Salem (2012)
Rob Zombie - just slightly less fun.
I think the trick to enjoying Rob Zombie films might be to continuously remind yourself not to take them seriously and have fun - which I think Rob Zombie himself sometimes forgets. His movies tend to be at their best when they lean heavily on one genre, tone or idea but more often than not they flail around trying to be funny, violent, serious, silly whilst cramming in sub-culture and classic horror cinema references.
Rob Zombie clearly likes his wife, which is great of course, and often casts her as a leading character. The Lords of Salem is no different with the focal point being Sheri Moon Zombie (the film opens with a shot of her bottom) but unfortunately she isn't the strongest of actresses despite making a decent amount of effort.
The Lords of Salem is not terrible but it is a bit dull and loses some of the fun for a slightly more serious tone. You would be better off checking out some of Zombie's other films like House of 1000 Corpses or The Devils Rejects instead. 4.5 out of 5.
Who's Watching Oliver (2017)
Oliver is a rapist and murderer of women.
Under the orders of his mother, Oliver takes women back to his apartment where he drugs, rapes and murders them whilst his mother watches via a video link. At first I thought Oliver was meant to be comedic character but no, there is no humour to be found here.
Although competent on a technical level, Who's Watching Oliver is a shallow, poorly acted, violent rape fantasy. The murder scenes are vile and the rest is just boring. I normally love dark/disturbing/horror films but I feel like a bad person just having watched this. The film asks the viewer to be cool with Oliver being a rapist and murderer of women - and I'm really not, sorry.
The Dare (2019)
The Dare
In a sea of generic horror-thrillers, The Dare just about managed to peek above the waves and entertain me briefly before disappearing back to the murky depths below to be forgotten.
The production values were decent enough and I even found myself impressed with the camera-work at a few spots. The acting was serviceable for this kind of film and there was enough gruesome moments to keep my attention. The plot and characterisation however was terribly cliche, predictable and possibly the films biggest weaknesses.
If you keep your expectations in check then The Dare can be a mildly fun but forgettable 90 minutes for fans of this kind of thing.
Child's Play (2019)
iChucky
Being fond of the original Childs Play, I was ready and prepared to hate this reboot and whilst it is not a great film by any stretch of the imagination it still managed to hold my attention for 70% of its runtime. It's a ridiculous premise and the filmmakers clearly knew this but they still seemed to try and have fun with the dialogue and death scenes.
The big issue with this film though is that they removed the supernatural/voodoo elements and instead opted to make the new Chucky a glitched, killer robot doll (not a spoiler - it is literally the opening scene). Because of this the character loses all its charm, appeal and personality and it might as well have been a different franchise. This leaves it down to the poorly cast actors & actresses to pick up the slack.
You can't expect much from a film about a killer doll to begin with so Im not going score it too harshly but I would recommend sticking with the first couple of original Childs Play films for your fix of murderous toys.
Green Street (2005)
Elijah Wood gets a West Ham United tattoo. Yep.
Can you imagine that there is a single football hooligan in the whole of British football history that would be intimidated by the sight of Elijah Wood - running at them with his watery eyes, soft round face and clenched, child-like fists?
Nah. Me neither.
Poor casting, faintly ridiculous story and a bizarre caricatured representation of what British footballing culture used to be.
Feardotcom (2002)
Error 404 - Entertainment not found
A cop investigating a string of deaths discovers a website seemingly haunted by a ghost seeking revenge on her killer. Upon visiting the site the visitor has 48 hours to find said killer or the vengeful spirit will kill them. At least, I think thats what happened.
FeardotCom manages to take a very silly but simple storyline and make it both confusing and frustrating to watch, all whilst boring its audience half to death. About 50% of the film made me feel like I was watching a cheap, early 2000's music video for a Nine Inch Nails cover band. I think they may have been going for something similar to Se7en in tone but fell very, very short of the mark.
The one redeeming feature of this film is its internet naivety - its set shortly before the whole Web 2.0 thing and because of this the titular scary website appears to be hosted on an angelfire or tripod site which I found amusing. No dancing baby gif's unfortunately.
The C-list cast each delivers a suitably ropey performance and there is very little in the way of scares. Perhaps BoringdotCom might have been a more apt title.
Cradle of Fear (2001)
Cradle of Poop
I just had the pleasure of watching Cradle of Fear on Amazon Prime and as well as being a terrible film, I had the added bonus of having no soundtrack on the audio! There was voices and (unintentional?) background noise but where there was clearly meant to be a soundtrack (which I assume would have been Cradle of Filth songs) there was... nothing. This is probably the reason I sat through the film as it made it even more laughably awful (and bearable, perhaps) than it probably is with the music. Even the sound effects were missing; in one scene a man fires a gun but it just goes "pfft'.
That aside, everyone involved with this film must look back and cringe with embarrassment. Its cheap, poorly made both in visual and audio design, badly acted, the plot (haha) meanders aimlessly and manages to never once be interesting. I think the selling points of the film were meant to be the violence and gore and the nudity; sadly even the gore effects are awful and the sex scenes are some of the least erotic committed to film (or camcorder, which this was probably made with).
Some of my favourite parts of the film; Cradle frontman Dani Filth stabbing a cat in front of an alter of polystyrene skulls. A team of asylum workers wearing what appears to be cushions taken off a fake leather sofa wrapped in electrical tape restraining an inmate. A woman walking down the streets starts seeing demons in tacky halloween masks. A monster spider-baby pops out of a womans tummy!
Cradle of Fear was probably meant to appeal to young teenagers with an interest in the band, goth culture and morbid themes. It was probably made by people in their late-thirties and forties with an interest in the band, goth culture and morbid themes.
And they should have been old enough to know better.
1/10
Emelie (2015)
Don't tell Mom The Babysitter's Psychotic
Two parents go out for an evening leaving their three children in the hands of a babysitter. As the parents leave it becomes immediately apparent that the sitter is not who she appears to be and subjects the children to a number of twisted and uncomfortable activities.
The first half of Emelie is a relatively slow build and does a good job of revealing the titular characters disturbing and psychotic motives and this is supported by some good performances by the three child actors. It does come close in the closing act of becoming like a dark & violent Home Alone but the filmmakers did a good job not letting it get too silly or over the top.
Emelie is not a particularly memorable or original story but its fairly tense in places, well made and succeeds on the performances by its young cast of acting talent. Unfortunately it tells a simple and unoriginal story and is immediately forgettable after the credits roll. 5/10
The Purge (2013)
Great Idea, Poorly Executed.
The Purge! An annual event in which criminal acts, including murder, are permitted by the government thus allowing all good American citizens to 'cleanse' themselves of their negativity and hatred without fear of consequence. What a great premise for a film!
Sadly, the potentially thrilling idea is poorly executed across the 1 hour and 25 minutes of this first in a series of films. Its main downfall is its predictability. I won't go as far to call them 'twists' because the plot is painfully straightforward but you will certainly see the two big plot points coming before they occur in the later part of the movie. The casting and acting varies from adequate to weak, but then the characters themselves are overly generic and uncomplicated.
I guess the real draw of The Purge was supposed to be its violent scenes, but even then it does nothing new, exciting or shocking. I can't help feel that in the hands of another Director/Writer the concept could have been something very thrilling indeed but since there are a couple of sequels, maybe the next in the series might deliver? Maybe a future instalment will take a deeper look at the moral implications of the annual event? Or, more likely, they will just be repeats of the same idea in varying locations. I shall see.
The Purge then; great idea but ultimately forgettable. Not badly filmed, mildly entertaining in places but overall a bit of a missed opportunity. 5/10
Bad Ben (2016)
Bad Ben - Bad Movie? Well, no, not really...
Honestly, Im not quite sure how to score this film..
Bad Ben is a very low budget film starring one man, Nigel Bach, who appears to also be the director and bizarrely, it seems the entire film is shot in his actual house. Its a found footage film. Its a Paranormal Activity style scary film. Seriously, everything about Bad Ben sounds, well...bad. But here is the thing - Bad Ben was oddly entertaining and held my attention for the entire duration and I still can't work out why.
Despite the low/non-existent budget it is shot fairly competently and doesn't suffer from the poor cinematography and terrible lightning that a lot of the low budget horror flicks I have subjected myself to over the years often do. The acting is okay, sort of, and Nigel Bach's character Tom Riley was very amusing in the way he went from mildly irritated to outright angry at the ghost's refusal to leave his new home.
Look, I'm not recommending Bad Ben. Part of me wants to but I just can't. But, if you're curious and want to get in on a potentially cult movie from the ground floor then, well, give it a go I guess. And if you like it, I hear this is the first in a trilogy. Yes, that's right - a trilogy. Good heavens.
Ive scored it a 3, but could quite easily score it higher. And some would possibly score it much, much higher and in a way I can kinda see why..