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Reviews
The Flash (2023)
What in the fresh mediocrity is this flaming garbage? Jay and Silent Ezra
It literally astounds me how obnoxiously ignorant DC are, to keep making the same Hack Snyder-esque stuff over, and over, and over.
What is with the constant mummy issue storylines? The forced humour? The overthetop and horrendously bad CGI. This is a 250 million dollar movie, that feels like a Saturday morning cartoon in Live Action.
In what world or universe would anyone think that this would fly, let alone be a good idea, let alone an actual production, let alone entertainment that they could charge money for?
I don't care for Ezra Miller, though the guy can act. He is however, terribly miscast as the femboy, inflection-voiced tween awkward adolescent trying to outdo Tom Holland's effortless nerd kid charm with an overthetop irritation that is unparalled - only until you meet his more overthetop, jarringly grating alter ego.
Why are the female superhero characters always average-faced, androgynysed with male haircuts, scowls, and absolutely dripping with zero visual feminine appeal and loads of masculine energy. Why are they always latino? Would it kill them to make an actual gorgeous, femininely perfected version akin to Chris Reeve? Super characters are meant to be the epitome of human perfection. Not average kids you see at the supermarket. Who can't act but just yell and scream and read words in a monotone voice.
This is literally Spiderman multiverse - done horrendously badly, no frills version, with zero of the charm. And it feels it. We've seen all this before. It was cool the first time. Not the twentieth.
Poor Keaton is just pure fan service, and feels even more embarrassing. The literal eye roll cringe hearing him repeat original lines that appear perfectly framed in front of a green screen with an almost WINK NUDGE WINK NUDGE DID YOU SEE / HEAR THAT AUDIENCE? Is enough to make one vomit, and even he feels odd saying them. And it is in no way worth the tightening of the 1 out of 100,000 nerd boy's trousers for having including it.
The Bold and the Beautiful level script and forced drama are far too often laughable. It FEELS like satire. It FEELS like a Jay and Silent Bob skit that quite literally mocks the entire superhero genre, and minimizes its even greatest of characters. Which is exactly what Keaton's presence does. When little toys on strings and other 80s effects add more gravitas from his original films over the tech marvels (but absolutely hollow / zero depth) we have in today's films, you know you've got massive problems.
I absolutely don't know who this movie is for. No children, not adults, not DC fans, not superhero fans, not movie fans. No-one with a brain and an attention span could swallow. Garbage and call it satisfying.
FWIW, I LOVED the director's IT work, but this is the kind of fall from grace that one oft doesn't recover from. Having said that, so does Zack's trash. And yet, here we are. When even he isn't around, history still repeats.
The Irishman (2019)
A Stunning Masterpiece the likes of which may never be seen again
I can't explain how good it feels to see an old-fashioned, good, honest 'film' again.
The true art-form of the category realized. A real story told with heart, soul, and without shoving PC jargon down my throat. No agenda's here. Just showing human beings for what they are - real people with shortcomings and downfalls. More interestingly yet again - exposing what the real world and what real world power is - based on corruption and scandal. Everyone remembers JFK for his greatest speeches. Few care to realise that he, like every politician, was shrouded by corruption and nepotism. And people now are angry at Trump because he won't show you his tax returns! As if the rest of politicians are saints. If that's all you've got to worry about, I'd say you're doing alright.
It's clever, and it's funny, and engaging, genuine, and sparks emotion. There are cameos and nods to the classics. The performances are only outclassed by the absolutely flawless direction. Flawless. This is direction perfection. This is what Todd Philips and all the other 'wannabe artsy' hacks need to look up and take notice - and learn something - from. What a shame to think how incredible Joker would have been if Marty had taken the reigns, rather than the totally unbelievable, mis-characterisation garbage of a borefest we got from Joker.
It is long - a good 40 minutes or so - but knowing it's made for Netflix, it's entirely understandable why Marty decided to tow the line there.
Forget Goodfellas. This is truly Godfather-esque in its storytelling ability and scope. Like Once Upon A Time, this is truly a nod to real films and storytelling of the past, and it's a crying shame that this will potentially be one of the last true films of its kind, ever to be made - just like Once Upon A Time.
I was lucky enough to see this in an actual movie theatre - with curtain, dress circle and all - and will remember this for the rest of my life. Incredible job by all involved.
DeNiro - Best Performance in decades.
Pacino - Surprisingly funny and subtle in his versatility.
Pesci - My goodness, Pesci. Never should have given acting up. Still has it in spades. Could steal a scene in no less than 15 seconds from almost any current leading actor you could imagine. They don't make em (films or stars) like this anymore.
Danger Close: The Battle of Long Tan (2019)
See it to support Aussie cinema and for the history lesson. Don't expect a masterpiece
To keep this short and sweet:
Felt like it was directed by 5 different people.
Incoherency in character actions and lack of consistency.
Plot was so spoon fed as to be for primary school students.
SUPER cliche generic storylines and arcs.
In no way did we get the sense of how terrifying a true Danger Close call of artillery dropped so close you could light your cigarette off, is.
Small but distracting historical inaccuracies.
Can clearly see where money was saved by not reshooting scenes / explosions that didn't quite come off correctly.
Travis Fimmel is NOT the main character as portrayed elsewhere. They tried to rely so heavily on him being the Hollywood level star, and I've never seen an actor work so hard to try and deliver such bad material - with almost no (or very bipolar) direction.
One second he's portrayed almost as a bumbling fool, the next as a hardened cold killer, the next as an emotional (but still wooden) commander, then as an unwilling partial commander, then portraying the bromance with his men commander, then finally, as a heroic commander. It makes no sense and was such a huge disappointment and wasted opportunity.
The best part of the film were standout performances from the cast.
A fitting tribute to the heroes who served. But a massively wasted opportunity to excel Australian cinema past the flop that was Kokoda.
This is what you'd get if you had a low budget Hacksaw Ridge, WITHOUT Mel Gibson.
Without flawless and genius direction, characters sort of wander aimlessly and just happen to end up at whatever predetermined point has been set.
Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)
Utterly Horrendous at the basic level
Now I'm not a big Star Wars fan at heart, but after being treated to this not out of my own pocket, I just had to come and see if others were agreeing with how bad it was. Because you sure as heck can not be trusted to believe the press and review sites these days.
Surely there's some conspiracy where they just throw together a movie with a bunch of bad cgi, pay off some journos for good reviews and then laugh behind everyone's back at how much money it makes. Utterly criminal. No sane person could find this enjoyable.
This was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. And the only movie I've ever been tempted to walk out of. The pace, the script, the absolutely laughable plot. Man how I feel bad for you diehards who have been slapped in the face with this garbage.
Just one example of the ridiculousness that plagues not only this movie, but movies in general these days with their nonsensical garbage is below. Yes it's a movie, but you can't rewrite yourself out of such stupid situations and expect your audience to suspend their belief.
Here we go: they arrive at the mountain stronghold. No way out. Clearly, it is stated and setup that this is it. 3PO confirms. No way out. Period. The impending doom is upon them. Only one way in and out. It is made painstakingly clear. What could possibly happen next?
Then of course. Out of nowhere. After writing themselves into such a turdy stinking hole with no way out.
"Oh yes look. It is possible to get out. Turns out after all there is a way out. Pschye! We had you there huh. We'll just write our way out and you can suspend your disbelief. But wait, there's more.
The same plot device then ties up the other horrendously laughably ridiculous Jedi training, who is now a pro rock mover after her 6 seconds of rock moving introduction training. Jobs a Gooden let's go to the pub, I bet they thought.
This is the exact same garbage used in spectre, where it is described that if the brain drill thing touches bond's head he will be killed instantly. He then gets probed with it extensively to the head, magically doesn't die and comes out of it hunky dory.
Again, it's a movie, but treating your audience this dumb and trying to make up for your bad writing into a corner is just not on.