ianmutimer Reviews

The Expendables (2010)

and it really was expendable!!

[4/10 · 7 December 2010]

The name says it all, it was like, they named it for easy abuse! I haven't reviewed anything on here for a looonnngggg time, I just felt so strongly about it I had to write something.

Boring thin plot, boring characters, didn't care who lived/died and there wasn't any comedy to save it. Although saying that, Sylvester, i like him but, has he had plastic surgery or is that make-up? he just keeps looking more like his mum! Bear in mind, I don't love action movies, but I just feel a movie needs more than JUST explosions and shooting and a few movie stars.

Don't watch, unless you really just like seeing things go boom.

The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

that's one train i don't wanna 'bored'

[4/10 · 26 February 2008]

Why is it i only feel compelled to write a review when i think the movie sucks? I like all his previous movies and love the subtle comedy, believe me...BUT THIS! this has like 2 funny parts and the rest is slow and boring. I wouldn't say it's crap, and i appreciate it for what it is, but it didn't do anything for me at all, easily forgotten. The tall brother who wears the glasses had absolutely nothing to add, and his character is almost non-existent. Owen Wilson is OK, but it just wasn't funny to me, and the storyline wasn't gripping enough to give me anything else. It wasn't sharp or witty. I think his comedy has become so subtle i can't even detect it anymore! Wes, sort it out! Storyline in nutshell, 3 brothers meet up in India for a spiritual journey to help them get back to being real brothers. During their journey, they ride a train (The Darjeeling Limited), they visit a market and temple. They finally meet their mother, but she does a runner somewhere. When they are about to board the plane home, they do a u-turn and go back on the train, dropping all their luggage on the way which is a bit over the top. (please don't tell me this is a deep symbolic moment because dropping your luggage when you clearly don't need to is just wasteful not to mention littering!) Watch one of his other movies instead. Thanks.

CJ7 (2008)

Great story, acting and humour made this my first 10!

[10/10 · 3 February 2008]

I saw this movie last night (i live in Taiwan) and before, if i highly enjoyed a movie and told people how good it was, their high expectations could make a movie less funny, you know what i mean? Anyway I'll praise the heck out of it coz i loved it and Stephen Chow has a great sense of humour! The movie is basically about a young boy and his father, who are poor but uphold good morals and ethics (we may be poor, but we don't steal, fight etc.). The father is a construction worker and doesn't want his kid to wind up like him, so the boy attends a very expensive high class school, but to compensate they live in a falling apart building and his father gets all his clothes etc. from the garbage dump. One day the father finds something there that he gives to his son, this (CJ7) changes their lives, for the better. I know that's probably what every review says! but i don't want to say to much as I'll probably ruin the beauty of it all! I will say that there are some scenes that nearly made me cry i as laughing so much. It's subtle things that do it, like the teacher won't let the poor student boy near him because he thinks he's so dirty! And the boy's a great little actor, cracked me up. Unfortunately i have yet to view S.Chow's other flicks, but i'm about to. I hope you'll get a chance to watch it.

The Last Winter (2006)

The Last Crappy Movie I See

[3/10 · 20 December 2007]

I can't believe someone referred to this movie as 'gripping' & 'Jurassic Park meets The Shining' - have you even seen those movies?! Hilarious! And another reviewer exclaimed 'this is a director to watch out for' - no kidding, stay away! If you want a weird bore-fest of a movie which could have been sooooo much more, feel free to indulge yourselves, but be prepared to either 1. be confused at such a pointless storyline or 2. fall asleep at such a boring storyline. The choice is entirely yours of course, so don't feel pressured to choose one or the other.

I got so excited about the setting of this story and that it had been labeled 'horror'. I now hate labels. The movie starts off well enough, with a team working for an oil company in Alaska, then the movie starts to get bad! During their time there, an environmentalist dude expresses his concerns about the climate changing and it's not a good idea to drill etc. (he should have been more concerned with the state of his facial hair) then one guy is curious about some random white box in the middle of nowhere (which could have been more of a focal point, as the DVD cover suggested!), which he goes to visit, alone. The next time he re-unites with his team mates, he is weird, disturbed (he probably just found out there is another 60 minutes of movie left) he then records himself in the nude! then he goes outside and dies in the snow, yay! from then until the end of the movie, the rest of the team see ghost lamas or something galloping in the distance, one guy gets a nosebleed and dies, 2 men see ghost mooses and then for some reason, drop dead. At a guess, it is supposed to be about nature taking revenge on man for drilling it for oil. That's all i could make out, that and the fact who ever made this film is loco.

If you like '30 days of night' or 'the thing', you'll hate this because it's nothing like it, it's boring and weird and nothing really happens! Don't watch it!

I Am Legend (2007)

Great movie, but the ending 2 short

[7/10 · 16 December 2007]

Once again a story about someone fighting off zombie people who are trying to eat him/her and only come out at night. This doesn't mean i don't like it. It means it seems to me that the people that make movies really are in it sheerly for the cash or why don't they think up a more original idea? Although i guess it is more original as it is based on the book that it was based on. How can people make a movie so similar and get away with it? It seems to be the way these days with any kind of movie genre. Anyway! The movie had good tension and good story i felt, until the end. I felt the movie storyline finished too early thy did all the ground work for the story, it comes down to the last scene which is just another Hollywood cheesy ending. It could have been so much more and left me completely satisfied. It always seems to be the same ending these days, and all anyone ever says is - 'it's up to you to decide'. Well, i'm sorry that's just laziness on the writer/producer side. They can't be bothered to finish the story so they just leave it open...unless they are making a second, then thats OK! I recommend it as i found it had plenty of shocks and tension, only I'd rather the didn't use so much CGI! If you liked 28 days later, see it!

The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting (2003 Video)

Son of a hitch. This movie is crazy biscuits!

[4/10 · 8 October 2007]

I wasn't expecting much, but after introducing the lead character, setting up the storyline, it probably ain't the best idea to then go ahead and kill him off after 5 mins, now is it? NO IT'S NOT! They don't have a clue the hitcher is a dangerous psycho, even though when he first meets them he stares at them and says in a sleazy voice 'thanks, I've been waiting for you'! One small little problem that the producer of this movie seemed to have overlooked - how the heck is the hitcher supposed to be the same guy as 17 years ago, when he now looks about 20 years younger now?! The remainder of this lame movie i witnessed Busey Jr pull a few cheesy grins whilst basically killing the whole police force as they believe all his porkies and let him free every time. The chick in it almost deserves to be so easily unbelievably framed for all the murders because she does really dumb things like, when the psycho was frying up some breakfast he kills all the cops with the shotgun and then throws the gun to the girl and says catch, she catches, put her grubby prints ALL over it, then the police arrest her. Later on, she obviously hasn't learned from her mistakes when, psycho man kills some more cops, wipes his prints off, and throws the gun to her. What does she do? - immediately pick up the gun of course! who wouldn't? Naturally at the end of the movie she kills him, after flying a plane near him whilst he's driving a truck for about 4 hours, it still mystifies me what she was trying to do. She kills him by pointing a shotgun at him and staring at the gasoline truck behind him and then saying she doesn't want to get burnt (which i think, is a pretty clear signal what she is about to do) but he just slowly turns around then turns back wearing a confused expression upon his face. Dufus!

This is OK if there is nothing else on. Can't beat the original, 2007 remake is lame as well!

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007 Video)

poo-poo in the loo-loo

[5/10 · 4 October 2007]

Lordy this was lame. The first one had a far superior storyline and actually had me interested, even wanting the folks NOT to die. This feeling was retracted somewhat in no.2 because the characters either were such bad actors or they ANNOYED THE POPCORN OUTTA ME! It's a reality game show (woopee do, I'm sure this sounds familiar) where they have to survive in the forest for 5 days. It REALLY annoys me when they start the killing too early in movies, why can't they build a storyline and tension, then deliver the gore? After the first death, a blond chick who got sliced, her body looked so fake/rubber when they dragged her away, it was practically bouncing down the road. The most annoying character was the x-games guy, he was the one i wanted the most to die. (unfortunately i had to wait over an hour for this to happen) He was simply over the top dumb, with stupid sexual innuendo jokes that were in no way funny, for example he would see a spear and say to a girl 'ooo look, its so hard and long hahahahaha' SHUT IT! what a goober. When the game show host was introducing the game he said the number '2', immediately the goober guy said 'ooo i just did one of those at the gas station' COME ON!

Of course dumb dialogue was not isolated, when they were looking for their friends after they were missing one guy ingeniously exclaimed 'let's take the woods, if we take the road we'll be sitting ducks' Advantages of taking the road: you can see what's going on, have a chance of seeing a car to help. Advantages of taking the woods: you have a great chance of getting lost and an even better chance of being sliced and diced by the yocal inbreds that live there. hmmm tough choice?! This movie is just a copy with dumb youngsters doing dumb things and getting rightfully slaughtered for their mistakes! like when they see 2 inbreds getting jiggy with it (totally unnecessary scene) one kid shouts 'hey!' WHY?! and then one girl randomly runs off and falls in a hole. The rest fight and nearly die. There is one line that the blond and the athlete keep saying that i so 1980's - 'sue me'. They seem to think it's really funny and keep saying it, my thoughts - SHUT UP.

I will leave on a positive note, there is one funny line for the game show host/commando guy, after blowing up an old man with dynamite, (whose wife died sometime in he past) he delivers this beauty - 'say hello to the missus' not great, but enough to make me smile. DON'T SEE IT!

Student Bodies (1981)

Ooo it's sooo good, right? WRONG!

[2/10 · 7 April 2007]

Come on! This movie is garbage. It may be the first of it's kind yada yada, but what difference does that make when it's not funny. There are many other spoofs 100 times better so don't waste your time. I'll tell you why - the same 'jokes' are played over and over and for too long. For example: a telephone that rings for a stupidly long time and also shakes and some guy heavily breathing and making dumb comments about being tired walking up the stairs and whacking off watching girls in the locker room. Yeah OK, he is supposed to be a cliché heavy breathing killer, but it's so played and not funny after 1 minute. The only funny line is when a girl and a guy are gonna get jiggy, the girl asks - 'are you clean?' the guy replies 'no, but you can't wash herpes off anyway'.

Cello (2005)

Yada Yada Boo Hoo

[5/10 · 18 March 2007]

I am getting slightly tired of these depressing weepy dark movies about someone dying and their ghost wanting revenge. Change the story. It's almost getting as regular as Steven Seagal movies.

Well there were some scary moments and also made me jump a couple of times. But the characters annoyed me because they're always so damn miserable and make no attempt to get themselves out the situation. This is the storyline - a woman is jealous of her friend as she plays the cello better than her (get over it already), then after they have a car crash she is in a position to save her or to let her drop, she let's her drop because of the whole cello thing I'm guessing. So then she has hallucinations and the ghost of her friend basically causes her family members to die, one by one. Then at the end, it goes back in time to just after the crash and they show the start of the movie again. Then the ghost hand goes in her hair and it ends. STUPID.

Don't watch it, there are far better Asian horror flicks to watch.

Evil Dead Trap (1988)

Me No Wana Watch This Crap Again!

[2/10 · 15 March 2007]

2 stars is for the gore and the creepy building, THE REST IS PURE TRIPE. I pity the fool that looks at peoples top 10 Asian horrors on the internet and then goes ahead and downloads them and watches them (ME).

Where shall i begin...basic storyline is a bunch of TV presenters go into a bunch of creepy buildings - why? because one of the presenters received a video tape of a journey to the buildings and then it turned into a snuff video and at the end a photo of herself flashed up on the screen. Why else would she want to go there right? WRONG. The characters are beyond dumb and they decide to split up and walk around these abandoned buildings and get killed by some guy in a boiler suite. That's fair enough, but when the last girl has a chance to escape, technically she takes it as she steps out of the gates. but no sooner has she stepped out, she steps back in again. SUPER, i thought. She then finds the guy who's been killing people (turns out to be the guy she previously chatted to/saw LOOMING IN DOORWAYS earlier). He is a fan of hers. Anyway she shoots him, he gives birth to some kind of alien baby named Hiduko or something, although 'Slime' would have been a more appropriate name. The baby tries to kill the lady, but thank God the guy manages to push the baby back in his stomach (even though they're in different rooms) While this is going on, random fireworks keep going off. Then after she's woken up in hospital (HOW DID SHE GET THERE?) she presents a news night episode and then when everyone is gone she has stomach pains, then she gives birth to the alien baby?!?! WTF.

PURE TRASH - please don't watch this, i'm begging you. and yes- i rue the day i believed peoples top 10 horror lists on amazon. it's just another piece of sushi i can do without!

Waking Life (2001)

What's the big whoop?

[4/10 · 13 March 2007]

This is basically the 2001 version of slacker. It is filmed in such an annoying way in between cartoon and film - how it has got average rating of 7.4 is beyond me. The story is about this boy who approaches random people, they then babble on about their perspective on different aspects of life, he doesn't even ask them a question and they have verbal diarrhea on him, poor kid. Not much thought has gone into this or slacker. Both movies annoy the heck outta me because they are too simple and random. Although i do appreciate the subject matter, it is delivered in a weird boring manner. Invent a storyline then put it together with the subject matter and then i'll watch it.

The Mutilator (1984)

The Turdilator

[2/10 · 3 March 2007]

Once again i have let myself down by being duped into watching another horror movie of this quality. I was duped by the amount of people on the internet that have included it in their 'Top Ten Best Horror Movies'. I am glad the people on here see sense and gave it an average of 3.9 - damn straight! I don't think it was lame enough to be funny.

So this kid accidentally shoots his Mum, fair enough, it happens. But his Dad comes home and starts beating him without even asking a question then he gives his dead wife a drink of liquor...OK?! The acting is about as good as the storyline - some guy is hiding in a garage and kills a bunch of kids staying there. In this movie the word 'mutilated' means the killer starting up a chainsaw and then the victim jumping up and down on the spot for a minute or chopping a head off a blatant crash test dummy that looks nothing like the real person). The actors sometimes say something and then just stare into space like there's another line coming...only there never is, which is quite amusing. One of the characters is the usual 'I'm the funny man' guy who tells the same stupid jokes, which are simply mimicking people in a high pitch voice. Oh once last thing - when they go out in turn looking for one another - by themselves, naturally, they all make a beeline to look for them in the garage, even though there is nothing to suggest anyone is in there? After the guy has killed everyone, he then gets decapitated himself - then the main character sees him and shouts 'Dad!' - that struck me as somewhat belated seeing as this malarkey had been going on for a few days? Watch if you want. My advice is DON'T. Watch 'The Burning' - best 80's horror i have ever seen. No kidding.

Rest Stop (2006 Video)

Flush this with the rest of your doodies

[4/10 · 29 December 2006]

I'm not even through watching this beautiful piece of turd and i feel a strong urge to express my comments via the internet.

Well this movie starts out well, apart from the dialog and the acting. A boyfriend and girlfriend start out on the road in search for a new life in CA. On the way they stop at a rest stop as the girl needs to powder her nose, the guy waits in the car, when she comes back from the ladies (a hut, and a dirty one at that!) her boyfriend is nowhere to be seen. She spends the rest of the movie trying to escape from 'a psycho killer' (some guy in a yellow pickup truck). Her frustratingly lame escape techniques include: walking around the rest stop vicinity, sitting in a trailer and drinking whiskey, sitting in the restroom hut talking to the toilet door and generally not escaping from the rest stop area.

While she is meandering around (much like those grannies near the slot machines), the killer comes and goes in his truck every 5 minutes, where does he keep going off to? why does he keep coming back is a mystery, or as i like to refer to it as - 'one of many storyline flaws in this movie'. Other classic flaws include - when a cop finally shows up on his motorbike, he calmly approaches the suspected killer and asks him what he is doing there, he accepts his answer of 'I'm lost', the killer then manages to drive off turn the truck around and then run the cop over. Of course while he is laying there with his gun in holster and the killer only a few feet away in his truck, you think - maybe he will shoot him, maybe the girl will escape on the cops bike? Instead they another great idea: she sits beside the cop, while the killer runs the cop over another 2 times and then tows the cops bike away. Great!

Later on, the girl drags the cop about 100m to the restroom. There, they sit and chat for a while, then guess who turns up in his stupid yellow truck again? thats right, annoying coming and going killer guy. He locks the door from the outside so they cannot escape, 5 seconds later she looks through a small hole in the door and cannot see him, she assumes he must have left?! so she puts her hand through a hole in the door in another lame attempt to escape, this results in the killer biting off one of her fingers. The killer then does something to introduce the dumbest scene of the movie, and believe me there are quite a few. He spends about 5 minutes pouring gasoline through the window using a pipe and then sets the restroom alight, during the pouring process, the cop says to the girl 'i want you to use my gun...' he then goes on to say 'shoot me'. (what the heck?!) The girl inquires about the possibility of using the gun on somebody else - hmmm possibly the guy who is trying to kill them that she can see through a window? He says 'no, you will miss'. That for me was the nail in the coffin.

Anyway, so she escapes, kills her boyfriend accidentally as she thinks he is the killer, then she throws a petrol bomb on the killers car, the car explodes. It was at that point that i discovered that the killer was in fact the one and only David Blane - as he magically appears behind her and kills her(you are lead to believe).

A little advice before viewing - take the DVD out and grill it with a topping of Gouda and bacon with some extra hot salsa. Serve with a small side salad. Enjoy! If you enjoyed this review, feel free to explore my other horror movie reviews.

S.I.C.K. Serial Insane Clown Killer (2003 Video)

but seriously, it's butt slappin' hilarious

[3/10 · 10 October 2006]

It seems to me that many people think that this movie is somewhat a B-movie and is not of a high standard, my response is after a few beers, i've never seen such a 'so bad it's funny movie'. My friend and I unfortunately came across it late one night while flickin' through cable and found this piece of poopy, luckily enough the overacting at inappropriate moments cracked us up enough (3 stars for accidental comedy) to keep watching until the bitter end. Supposedly about a bunch of 'friends' going away together to relax at a 'cabin in the woods'. Only they experience a few issues which may or may not have been self induced: A girl they randomly pick up at a bar who isn't the kinda girl you'd wanna take home to meet the folks (she's a hoe), she likes to stir situations, have sex with people and act badly, OK all of them like to do the last one. Some of them get themselves killed by a rather chubby clown with some kind of breathing problem who, despite his weight issues, can shift pretty quickly when he wants to, but most of the time he walks around the woods singing nursery rhymes and chopping wood, just like any other clown really. Though, i guess his obesity problems have affected his eyesight somewhat, as occasionally he chops people instead of wood.

The dumbest parts are as follows: >after a guy stabs a woman, she observes the wound and replies 'what did you do?' >I figured out that for a real job, Brandon must be a car salesman, due to his annoying cheesy voice >one of the girls is complaining about marriage, the other one asks 'if you could take it back, would you?' and she replies 'wow, i never thought about it like that', what a genius >they are supposed to be friends but often they shout profanity at the most tranquil moments, like they all have turrets or something? >the use of a church organ for tension was as effective as 7 morris dancers >when they discover a few barbie dolls in the fridge they take it in turns to say 'what the hell?' and 'what the fu@!?' >the sentence 'we are 12 miles from civilisation!' is said as if they are 1000 miles away in a tropical rain forest or something, not in some detached surburban house in Texas >when the guy's wife goes missing he states 'we need to find wife now!' and Brandon ingeniously replies 'whats wrong?' and he answers 'this is whats wrong' and he shows a barbie doll's head?! >there are lot of unexplained dinosaur noises in the woods >a girl screams when she sees barbie dolls legs attached to tree with duct tape, ooo scary! >when the guy is out looking for his wife, he is so concerned that he gets jiggy with the slutty/mentally unstable hitcher in the woods >when they try to escape in the car, it doesn't start as, guess what's in there? that's right - 2 barbie dolls, my guess is the blond hair must have become tangled in the carburetor >Brandon suddenly remembers his uncle has a CB, the girl replies with 'great i'll check the kitchen' huh?! >the scariest scene involves the lard-ass clown walking after a young fit man who is sprinting to the sound of violins, it still remains a mystery as how he caught him so quickly and why the heck the 'terrifying' clown was wearing a clean white t-shirt?!

Once is enough to view this 'movie', there is no justified reason why i have watched it twice...but anyway before viewing please do yourself a favor - get drunk with some friends, or you could use your time more wisely acting out this movie yourself by simply getting a large friend to sing nursery rhymes while walking after you, and you can shout obscene words at your own friends at random moments.

Boogeyman (2005)

CGI-man

[2/10 · 9 May 2006]

Thanks to this movie, i will now be taking a break from movies of this CC (crap calibre).

Unlike most of my adventures finding a crappy horror movie, i didn't rent this 'movie' because i was attracted by the sleek graphics on the cover, and i sure as heck didn't buy it because of the innovative title. Actually to this day i am still wondering why, why, why God, why?!

Concerning the storyline - this has to be one of the most shallow movies i have ever seen, and i'm not talking about end at the swimming pool shalllow, i'm talking about that drip in the bottom of your coffee/tea mug that you can never get out.

On with my review: The movie starts by introducing the main character as a young boy in bed at night, he is scared because of something - the boogeyman i presume, or CGI-man as i like to call him. Anyway his dad comes in to calm him, and reassure him that 'there is no such thing as the boogeyman'-yes he really says that line. Then he get's pulled into his son's closet by some wind or something. The movie then skips 15 years to him as a mid-twenty year old man. He is fairly successful as i understand - he has a hot girlfriend and a hot car. The only thing that isn't hot is the fact that he manages to find everything scary. I mean everything. I thought it would just be closets - logically as his dad was took into one by CGI-man 15 years ago, but it's everything. Every 10 seconds he suddenly stops walking and turns to stare at a random object with a worried, but confused look upon his face, like he's a little scared but at the same time wondering if he has left his macaroni burning on the stove. It's quite amusing at first, but after around 100 times it becomes a little irritating.

The scariest moment in the movie is when he is driving his car and a bird flies into the window. The best and funniest part is straight after the bird incident, when he stops his car, gets out and just stands there to stare at the road looking quite upset and moved by the bird's death?!

Then his mother dies so he decides to do what anyone would do who is scared of everything - he goes to stay at his childhood house - where his father died/got pulled into a closet. He then meets a childhood friend who is randomly in need of some ice, they then talk about his mothers death, where she says 'sorry about your mom', he responds with 'me too', and she replies with 'how about that ice then?', sweet girl!

Toward the end of the movie the guy is obviously under the illusion he is in 'narnia' and proceeds to walk through the back of the closet in his old house into a hotel room a few miles away? Then his girlfriend disappears, and then his uncle, so he just presumes the boogeyman took them...well what other possible explanation could there be? - well plenty actually - maybe taking the dog for a walk or trying to find the movie director so they can persuade him that it is a lame movie and they should stop filming now.

The ending is not a firework spectacular finale, but then again i didn't expect one after watching 90 minutes of monkey poo. He goes to some house abandoned house and sits on a chair (where some other dude before him attempted to face the boogeyman, but he got to scared and died). He then confronts the boogeyman and he tells him he is not scared of him, there are a few gusts of wind, then the boogeyman dies. The end! You can watch it if you wish, but i suggest you spend 89 minutes trying to find the boogey/CGIman in places such as: your closet/under your bed or on you N64 where similar graphics are displayed.

Feel free to check out my other horror flick reviews. Peace out.

Pterodactyl (2005)

Poo-odactyl

[2/10 · 18 April 2006]

Don't get my wrong it's not all bad – there is a good few minutes when a scantily clad blonde runs through the jungle.

Here's the story line, I will try to give it to you straight, with an unbiased approach – a bunch of annoying US students and their dumbass lecturer are for some unknown reason in Romania when they decide it is a super idea to explore a volcano deep in some forest. Only when they arrive, they spend their time running away from CGI Pterodactyls, which have just hatched (probably out of an N64). But that's not all they do, they also produce incredibly annoying dialogue, for example after many of the students have been eaten by these winged Nintendo-graphics beasts, the lecturer sighs 'what am I going to tell their parents?' and in another scene, when the blonde hottie has had enough of all the fun and antics that always accompanies running away from Pterodactyls, she expresses 'I just wanna go hooommmee!' and talking about a missing nerd - 'you won't find him, a Pterodactyl took him, I told you 10 times, why don't you believe me??!!'. Hmmm, i wonder why, doesn't the word extinction mean anything to you?!!

Soon after getting into a spot of trouble with the old dino's, the idiot students and their lecturer bump into US 'Special Forces Team', more like 'Special Needs Team'. Unfortunately for them the Special Forces Team are just as lame as themselves, it doesn't appear that the producer spent a lot of time casting for this movie, as the team looks like a bunch of store clerks. Sure their people skills may have proved invaluable if the dinosaurs could actually converse in English, but unfortunately for them - that wasn't the case that day. The team may have been lead by Coolio, but this flick is no gangster's paradise. I'm sorry, I had to sneak that one in.

After a romance is born between a student (Kate) and the lecturer, there is a scene where the a Pterodactyl flies away with the student and the lecturer does what any caring, loving partner would do, he picks up the nearest gun and starts shooting rapidly in the general direction of the beast and the student, whilst shouting 'Kate! Kate!'. Hilarious stuff. After another student has been sliced up a little, the others go and see if she is OK (obviously not, being attacked by a dinosaur and all)but anyway, her eyes are still open and you can see her chest rise and fall with breathing, but they shout 'she's gone, leave her', a few minutes later they unsurprisingly hear her release a loud scream, then one of them brightly announces 'it must be Kate!' and another adds 'yea, I know I can hear her screaming!', Please! Are you serious? who writes these scripts?! – a 3 year old kindergarten kid with an over-active imagination?

The Special Forces Team spend their time shooting the Pterodactyls for hours on end, they may as well have been shooting water pistols or cap guns as the bullets had no effect, but as they are under-cover store clerks, who can blame them for their naivety & false optimism? Finally, if you have chosen to ignore all the reviews, and do decide to view this monster-rosity of a movie, pay close attention to the scene where they are making their way across a ravine simply by lassoing a sheep.....yes, i said a sheep, and using a rope to climb/shuffle across. Isn't it amazing how an adult can have all their body weight hanging from a rope, yet the rope is slack and their muscles non-flexed? I thought so.

At the end is where Coolio puts the cherry on the cake where he releases this humdinger of a line: 'It is time to dance baby, and I am your DJ', but instead of dancing, he breaks his promise and at the same time lives up to the song - guns don't kill Pterodactyl's, rappers do.

High Tension (2003)

No Kidding, High Tension!!!

[9/10 · 18 January 2006]

If you enjoy the kind of horror flick that breaks you in gently, this movie is not for you. I can't believe how much 'haute tension' i felt throughout this movie. I love watching crappy horror movies, as it is quite enjoyable to slate them off, but unfortunately there will be no slating today.

Good horror flicks are hard to find, and i am glad i found this freaky ride. I enjoy international movies, and would have watched the original + subs, but i could only get my hands on the dubbed, which was alright, still scared the monkeys out of me. Quite frankly, I hadn't seen this much blood since i saw 'braindead', and that is a heck of a lot if you haven't had the viewing pleasure. There have been many lame-ass attempts at creating a 'texas chainsaw themed' movie, but this is not one of them i'm pleased to say. The crucial features of the movie are as follows:

-the old clapped out rusty/creepy old 'van' / several thousand litres of blood / a funked up twist at the end / there were quite a few 'jumps' (due to the insane volume of haute tension probably) / classic weapons and new innovative weapons (such as wood + barbed-wire) / and a decent enough story.

I do usually enjoy the American country horror flicks, and was doubting the french could pull it off, but they did...although i'm not sure how i feel about the twist at the end yet.

So to summarise - if you enjoy ketchup, and would still like it to accompany such delicacies as fries, burgers or a hot dog to name but a few, maybe you shouldn't watch it.

But on a serious note, this has everything you need from a horror movie...so go pack some spare undies and indulge in some Haute Tension.

Madman (1981)

It's not that bad...but it's terrible.

[2/10 · 5 January 2006]

Well no points for completely ripping off any of the Friday 13th movies i'm afraid. Yes sir-ee-bob, they really pulled the wool over my eyes when they added 'lake' to the end of camp crystal. Even 'camp monkey face' has a more original sound to it. I didn't want this review to turn into a scathing attack...but there are several things that producers need to be aware of when making a horror movie on a summer camp;

1.The name has to be original. 2.The 'camp counsellors' should be younger than 75, and should have some (relevant) acting skills. 3.There should be some randy teenagers sneaking out to the barn every 20-30mins for some nookie, whilst possibly being caught, sliced and diced. 4. The death scenes should contain at least a little violence and possibly some ketchup or another condiment of some kind -not just 'madman marz' casually strolling toward the victim and then a shot of their face releasing a few insipid yells.

After watching 'Slaughterhouse'(which i recommend) - i remember the cold October evening i ordered 'madman', i really thought i had found another rare gem, but luck was not on my side that night, oh no! and i guess it wasn't on the side of whoever bought it from me, but that's another story i guess.

Please don't tell me it's a classic - just because it was made in the early 80's. My advice - the next time you feel the urge to view a movie of this calibre, make some spaghetti bolognese and put it on your head and do your best impression of Axel Rose.

You would have to be a madman/woman to watch this movie.

Dark Harvest (2004 Video)

i want to harvest this DVD

[2/10 · 26 December 2005]

I woke up and it was a beautiful day; the sun was shining, the birds were singing and i fancied getting a movie, something new, a horror movie perhaps? Like many other reviewers i came across what can only be described as a piece of poopy in a gold wrapper. The front cover is great, and the comment on the back is mesmerising - 'it will scare the crop out of you'...oh how i chuckle looking back at such naivety and ignorance.

One of the many things scarier than this movie is the acting skills of these 'actors'. I think, no, i did actually cheer when they got slashed up by these 'scarecrows', who were wearing some classic fancy dress costumes. I used to drive quite quickly past cornfields as i found them to be pretty scary at night, but having seen this movie, i nearly wet myself (through laughing so much) just at the sight.

I have seen scarier omelette's quite honestly, not mine though, i'm a dab-hand at cooking omelette's, and if anyone associates this movie with my omelette's, let's just say that i would create a situation in which they would be forced to watch this movie 3 times in a row.

If anyone has any good corn movies they can recommend, feel free to inform me. It's a great comedy if nothing else, OK it is nothing else. Enjoy, but a little advice - before pressing the play button on your DVD player, throw it out of the window.