gpantalone Reviews

Babylon (I) (2022)

No no no no no

[1/10 · 12 August 2023]

First five minutes made me vomit. It never felt like the time frame they were trying to portray despite the costumes. Terrible. Horrible. Sickening degeneration of film making in general. Absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. Lacking in even the basic of elements that make a good film worth watching. Disgusting, putrid, vile, heap of wild animal dung that's been sitting in the hot, Texas sun for forty-five and a half days. In the first scene, an African elephant lets loose and defecates all over two workers in graphic detail. Potty humor on steroids. In the next scene a woman straddles a very fat naked man and pees all over his stomach. What's not to love?

Hatched (II) (2021)

Hatched: Jerk-tastic Park

[1/10 · 12 October 2022]

Wow. Where to start. How about lame script. If you don't have a Jurassic Park budget, maybe don't try to take on something that's going to require some pretty sophisticated special effects. But that's not the worst of it. The worst is characters that say and do things that normal people just don't do. Rachel is laying on the ground and everyone but her sees a 28-foot tall Tyrannosaurus Rex standing right next to her. When she finally notices this little fella, dumb ass tells her "Don't move!" Because he's clearly seen Jurassic Park and I guess he knows that if you don't move, the dinosaur can't see you. Then, bad ass Army guys show up (with beards and pony tails?) and he says "Whatever that thing is out there.." ... uhm... it's a dinosaur.... I thought we'd established that by now. And Mark... is Mark supposed to be a boy? I thought at first it was just some quirky new-age name for a small girl, like Marky Post, or "Effervescence". But they keep calling her... him... whatever... his son, he, him... maybe they should have cast a small boy in that role? And if that is a boy, then maybe they should have cast someone that actually looks like a boy. Anyway, that's about as far I was able to make it through this absolute crap-fest.

Starflight: The Plane That Couldn't Land (1983 TV Movie)

Let's try throwing a shoe at it

[2/10 · 18 May 2022]

I wasn't as annoyed with the speed they were able to launch, and re-launch, and RE-launch the space shuttle so much as I was in why they continued to launch. Their first attempt was to get Hal Linden off because he was needed on Earth.... What?!? "We can't possibly come up with a plan without the one guy who happens to be on that plane. So, before we do anything else, we have to get him back to Earth so he can solve this." So, they're already up there, they completely botch the first attempt to rescue ONLY Barney Miller, then they decide, "Well, a rescue pod DESIGNED to transfer personnel through the vacuum of space didn't work, but we do have a coffin on board, let's try THAT." Who thinks like this? So they manage to rescue the one person in the world who can devise a plan to.... Well, rescue the other 58 passengers. His genius solution? A giant trash chute strung between the space shuttle and the plane... IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE. Fortunately, (well, maybe not so fortunately for the five who were killed in the botched attempt) they were able to build this giant trash chute, outfit it to the space shuttle and re-launch AGAIN, with a perfect trajectory to intercept the plane within about twenty minutes. It reminded me of a group of kids trying to get a stranded Frisbee off the roof. "Let's try throwing a shoe at it..."

The Omega Code (1999)

Oh holy cow

[2/10 · 5 March 2022]

It turns out that the Bible isn't prophetic enough as is, the world's leading cryptologists have discovered a secret code embedded within the text; every other word reveals eerily accurate predictions when interpreted by morons. It becomes even more astonishing when you combine the third word from every seventh line on even numbered pages with the seventh word on every third line from odd numbered pages and discover such gems as "Mountain stop water tree" which clearly refers to the assassination of Arch Duke Ferdinand triggering the start of WWI. To further ensure that mere mortals are able to properly receive these sacred messages, God sends the archangels Simon and Garfunkel who appear to add nothing to the advancement of the plot. All seriousness aside, this could almost pass for one of those bad parody films like "Scary Movie" or "Cats". It's really that bad. The writing is particularly lame, "I promise you, I will never, ever take off and leave you and Maddie alone while I follow the leader of the European Union around the world searching for Biblical clues to the end times. I will stay here with you forever and ever to the ends of the earth. Or until tomorrow. Whichever comes first." Michael York thinks this is Shakespeare. It's not. And I don't think I've ever seen Michael Ironside ever play a good guy. Unless you count "Total Recall" where he tried to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger. All in all, it's good for a laugh, but I'm afraid it wasn't meant to be a comedy.

Cold Zone (2017)

1 because zero is not an option.

[1/10 · 21 January 2022]

I don't mind the low-budget special effects at all. Even the bad acting isn't nearly as bad as a lot of these lousy films. What got me was the terrible, horrible, stupid writing. I mean, I can suspend disbelief, even a lot, but not this much. You can't pretend like physics simply don't exist. The cold snap occurs at shorter and shorter intervals and lasts longer and longer each time, yet when they get to the condemned bridge, the river isn't even frozen over. But they at least tried to prepare by putting candles in the cab of the truck. Candles. Yeah, why didn't I think of that.

Don't Speak (2020)

Don't bother

[1/10 · 6 October 2020]

Long, boring shots are not the same as building tension. The acting is all around bad, but the father is, by far, the worst. This is just plain bad.

Terminal Voyage (1995)

Boring

[1/10 · 1 October 2020]

Wow, was THAT bad! Long, boring, drawn out scenes with no point, bad, melodramatic acting, and a musical score so annoying I wanted to stick a sharp object in my ears to get it to stop.. Why is it that only Emma Sams wears that ridiculous hat? Once you realize how stupid it looks you can't stop staring at it. This was just plain bad.

The Life Peddler (2020)

Great concept, horrible execution.

[3/10 · 17 September 2020]

This should have been a thirty minute Twilight Zone episode. They managed to stretch it out to two hours (felt like four) by making each scene so long and drawn out. You don't need to film Michael spending a full three minutes taking off his jacket. You could show him starting to take it off, and quickly cut to the jacket hanging off the back of the chair. 8 seconds. Done. And we understand that he took his jacket off. Every scene was this long and boring. Spoiler: Michal takes his jacket off, and that's one of the more interesting scenes.

Assassin 33 A.D. (2020)

Epically bad

[1/10 · 6 August 2020]

I don't think it was meant to be a comedy, but I couldn't stop laughing at how bad it was.

Axcellerator (2020)

Not the absolute worst, but it's in the running

[2/10 · 2 August 2020]

Competition for the absolute worst ever is pretty stiff. This is just a typical low budget, poorly planned, poorly executed snoozer. Tip when being chased by cliche bad guys, just run, because, apparently, bad guys don't run after you no matter how badly they want that device. But 5hey do remind you that they want they device as they wait for you to disappear before firing at you, knowing full well that you will disappear.

Deceived (2002 Video)

So bad. Just. So. Bad.

[1/10 · 20 March 2020]

Bad writing. Bad directing. Not bad acting, but they had so little to work with. Except for the preacher - trifecta. Even Louis Gosset, Jr. Couldn't help this steaming pile of merda di cavallo. So many bad cliches, shallow characters with no development. Just awful.

Flashburn (2017)

Terrible

[1/10 · 18 July 2019]

The acting was terrible, the writing was weak and cliche, and the characters were shallow and empty. This was a complete waste of time and money. "Open the bay doors, HAL". "I can't do that, Dave." "Daisy, Daisy, tell me your answer, please." Just nonsense.

Solar Flare (2008)

Theatrical disaster

[1/10 · 8 July 2019]

Although all of the acting is horrible, the female lead, Tracey Gold, wins hands down as the worst. She has one expression, which I can only describe as incredulous disgust. Once you've seen her make that, "You've got to be kidding me" face you can't help noticing it in EVERY SINGLE SCENE! Trite, cliche, insipid, moronic,.. I don't know what else to add. This was at the bottom of a very long list of worst movies ever.

The Philadelphia Experiment (2012 TV Movie)

Sometimes experiments just fail

[1/10 · 15 May 2019]

When you're writing science fiction and fantasy, you expect the audience to suspend disbelief when you break all the laws of physics. That's expected, and it can even be fun. You Don't expect them to suspend disbelief when your characters do and say things that defy logic. That's just nonsense. Like this film. It's not nonsense because the ship and the main character travel back and forth through time, THAT I could believe. (Or, more accurately, I don't mind that it's impossible, because it's a movie.) This is utter nonsense because the characters don't make any sense. When cowboy cop first encounters the ship on the runway, he can't help notice it is shrouded in a glowing, electrical field, so naturally, he reaches out to touch it. Yeah, that would my first instinct, too. And who is this lady that has the power to call in military air strikes all over the world? She wants to drop nuclear war heads on a WWII U.S. Navy Destroyer that suddenly "dropped in" on a sky scraper in downtown Chicago to destroy the evidence. Yeah, no one will notice that. I actually enjoyed the premise behind the story itself and can't help but wonder what it might have been had they hired professional screen writers and a real director. But, yeah, this sucked.

Paradox Alice (2012)

Earth needs more water

[1/10 · 10 March 2019]

Every time I think I've seen the worst movie ever, someone comes along to challenge that honorable spot. In this latest in the long list of worst movies ever they begin with the laughable premise that earth has run low on water and the most logical, affordable solution is to send four people on a spaceship with four tanks to the moons of Jupiter to collect water and bring it back. I guess desalination of seawater would be too costly. To make a difference, they would probably have to make about150,000 trips. But this is insignificant compared to the terrible acting, particularly on the part of the Captain, and the ridiculous plot twist where the second in command spontaneously transforms into a woman for some uncomfortably weird reason. The complete lack of special effects is forgivable considering the obvious lack of a real budget, but at least they could have built a modest set with some flashing lights or something, rather leave the viewer feeling like they're watching a bunch of high school kids playing make believe in their mom's basement. All in all, hard to watch.