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Reviews
Rise of the Fellowship (2013)
Looks better than Max Magician, so there's that?
Sharing some cinematic DNA with 2002's "Max Magician and the Legend of the Rings", "Rise of the Fellowship" is another Mid-Atlantic lensed, low-budget fantasy epic that lucked into a wide release by being marketed as a quickie "Lord of the Rings" cash-in. "Fellowship" can at least boast the nice professional look of a Syfy or Lifetime original, but past that, "Max Magician" wins out in this dubious race to the top of the Walmart cut-out bin since it actually has some plot and structure-- cliché, simple- minded and predictable though it may be.
"Fellowship", on the other hand, is just a clumsy stringing together of imagery from the "Lord of the Rings" without regard to coherence or meaning; it's like being trapped in an elevator with a foaming-at-the-mouth Peter Jackson ultra-nerd ranting along the lines of "Remember that scene where that thing happened? Wasn't that great? And that other scene where that other thing happened? So awesome! And then that...." Within five minutes of watching this film, you'll seriously consider taking your own life; after ten minutes, your loved ones will be making funeral arrangements.
Normal folks with critical thinking facilities intact will want to steer clear of this but if you're an undiscriminating dork who's a sucker for shameless fan boy pandering, bring a large spoon because you'll want to savor every delicious drop. Bon Appétit!
Beyond the Rising Moon (1987)
"The Special Edition" is "special" all right...
Originally released in 1987 as "Star Quest: Beyond The Rising Moon", this movie is a minor indie triumph with ambitious and charming old school, "Space:1999"-style model work and effects supporting stiff performances, pedestrian direction, and a derivative, predictable screenplay. That version is currently available on Youtube.
The "Outerworld" version now on Netflix and other sources is an appalling attempt to update and revise the film a la George Lucas's tweaks to the original STAR WARS trilogy and is about a thousand times less successful (and Lucas attempts were abject failures). No attempt has been made to mesh the original effects with the tacky and immediately-dated 2005 CGI and the film source appears to come from a very dated, late 1980s master. At the very least, a new film scan should have been struck and the original, unadulterated version made available to exist along side this "special edition" abortion but that is not the case. Ugh.
Ninjas vs. Vampires (2010)
(Sing to the tune of the TRANSFORMERS theme) NINJAS VS VAMPIRES--- IT'S A FAN FILM IN DISGUISE!
If you're looking for a film that actually lives up to the promised glory of the title, please go elsewhere. But if you're looking for an undercover fan film presumably set in Joss Whedon's Buffyverse but with a tenth of the needed resources and 1/100th of Whedon's talent, you're in luck. The filmmakers have their heart in the right place but heart isn't enough, either for an independent film or even a fan film, because this has got to have some of the dodgiest production value this side of a Chris Seaver joint. At least on a technical level, earnestness isn't going to make the grade when you've got stuff like STAR WARS: REVELATIONS or STAR TREK PHASE 2 which are professionally mounted if nothing else. If all you've got is a copy of Adobe Premiere along with an off-the-shelf consumer camera,and a work light or two from Home Depot, it's not going to cut it, knowhutImsayin?
Now poor production value wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker, but there is no story and no craft to elevate this sorry work. It's just 90m of winking at the audience substituting for acting, half-as**ed, spastickly staged fights masquerading as action, and nerd references, stolen one-liners, and warmed over jokes pretending to be a script. If you want to see a undercover fan film that's done with actual panache and skill, try RECON 2022: THE MEZZO INCIDENT (please note I'm not saying its good, because dear God, it's not. It's just that they tried.)
The only thing that is admirable about NINJAS VS VAMPIRES is the marketing because, let's face it—it's a great title and they put together some great box art; it's slick, professional and puts you in the mood for some quality vampire-fu action--- and you will get that providedyou go watch Buffy, Angel, BLADE, any of the UNDERWORLD movies, or BLOODRAYNE even because you're sure as hell not going to get it from NINJAS VS VAMPIRES.
Millennium Crisis (2007)
Tedious Home Brewed SciFi
While demonstrating skill in cinematography and art direction, this micro-budget sci-fi indie is appallingly constructed and suffers from lifeless direction and even worse editing. Much like the various fan films for STAR WARS and THE MATRIX, most of the effort has been spent on video game cut-scene CGI (which to be honest isn't the worst you'll ever see)and pretty costumes, but not a finger lifted to devise compelling characters or coherent storyline. I've got a cast iron stomach when it comes to watching terrible movies, but I just had to bail out after the 45m mark. I know people will scream "Hey, you should've given it a chance!" or "Look! It's a zero budget indie built with honest sincere sweat and the finest of intentions", but to that I cry "bull-plop." A film should be judged for what it is not on some sliding scale or crouched in polite language to shield the egos of thin skinned wannabe filmmakers. This film is terrible and the only joy I can take from it's release is that at least it wasn't a Polonia Brother(s) film.
The Other Side (2006)
Big Deal! Pah!
Competently produced but uninspired indie that has inexplicably garnered some fantastic write-ups. This is basically a SciFi channel picture original except it doesn't want to make you kick anybody in the face but so what? The filmmakers basically made a Jesus-flick type movie so if you watch this thinking it's going to be "Hell's Escapees vs Demon Bounty Hunters" and non-stop action with sh*t blowing up, you're gonna be hella disappointed; they basically shove that into the back ground after the first half hour and the movie turns into a Lifetime Network "women's mystery" that will try your patience something awful. This up there with Joe Caranhan's BLOOD, GUTS, BULLETS & OCTANE as one of the inexplicable Park City hits that makes you worry about all the thin air up there that's turning everybody into mush-headed idiots. If you end up renting this, just prepare to be underwhelmed. SKIP IT.
Contour (2006)
Stuntmen First! Filmmakers.... A Distant Fourth? Fifth?
When it comes to amateur martial arts flicks, this is easily top echelon and delivers a shameful thrashing to the craptakular "Dubbed & Dangerous" movies or the truly lousy "Left For Dead." Still, there's no hiding the fact the fact that these guys were more concerned about putting together fights than a decent movie. The film runs waaaaay too long (107m? Come on!), the acting, writing and comedy are dire, the editing is only good when people are kicking each other, and as good as the fight scenes are-- and make no mistake these guys have a tight game-- nothing can hide the fact that you've seen all these moves before, especially if you've been watching martial arts films for any period of time; things are further hampered by the fact that they couldn't afford any collateral damage outside of the occasional broken crate or blood effect so you have fight scenes that build up to not much really. Still, the film is worth watching at least once, just do it with friends and a keg of beer so you have something to do when nobody's fighting and the "Komedy and Laffs" bits stinks up your DVD player.
The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu (1980)
Moments of brilliance... Long Stretches of stupidity...
There's no getting around it-- this movie is terrible. I've seen the old Christopher Lee/Fu Manchu movies, I'm familiar with the characters and it's serial origins, but it's still just godawful. However, Peter Sellers' genius still shines through with his portrayal of Nayland Smith, with echoes of sadness, tragedy, and strength simmering through a stoic facade; it's a performance I place on par with Peter Cushing's portrayal of Van Helsing but done in a tenth of the cumulative screen time of all Cushing's "Dracula" movies. If the movie was done in a more serio-comic vein like BUBBA HO-TEP by way of the 1960's AVENGERS TV show, this could've been something special. If you're a Fu Manchu or Peter Sellers completest, this is something you need to see, but it's a pass for anyone else.