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Reviews
The Bell Witch Haunting (2013)
So Bad, It's Good
This is not a good movie, but if you like your movies so bad they're almost good, it's a fun watch to see just how ridiculous it gets. It'd probably go well with a drinking game.
Starts off okay, but the plot is weak weak weak. Bodies drop, and people ignore the super obvious haunting stuff and just sort of stick around and ignore all the murders, big obvious monstrous stuff on their video footage, the fact everyone is going nuts, etc. The haunting itself, it's source, is barely touched upon, and all the realism and subtlety that makes a lot of these found footage films work simply doesn't exist here.
Once you get past looking for a good film though, you can have fun watching it though. The same lone cop, Bungalon, keeps finding all the bodies. (The fact the spelling of his name makes me think "Bungle On" really fits). The haunting is far more Ghost Shark then it is Paranormal Activity or Blair Witch, the FX often ridiculous, whispering voices super obvious, a ludicrous amount of 911 calls, bodies, etc. The over the top antics of the climax made me laugh out loud.
Prometheus (2012)
Boring, Stupid, and Not Very Scary
I will try to create a quick bulletin list of problems with this film, starting with the good first.
The Good 1) Visually very well done. The landscape and technology were all very interesting to look at. 2) Actors were believable. Fassbender gives a great (if wasted) performance.
The Bad 1) Actors actions- while you could believe the characters, it was hard to believe their backgrounds or motivations. Scientists and select crew for a trillion dollar secret mission to an alien civilization act with all the sense and survival instinct of camp Counselors at Crystal Lake. The android infection scene had zero to do with anything- not science, not a plan to take over the ship, not to make the old man immortal. Nothing. It was very dumb.
2) Plot and themes in general felt very paper thin. The aliens actions are under explained, never very clear. Weyland's plan is full of holes. The magical medical chair was just fine, save for it's rather inexplicable lack of female anatomy lessons (12 in existence, and they get the dudes only chair? In the woman's private chamber?)
3) Not scary. There just wasn't a good build up of dread. It never hit the fan in the way it needed to, and the characters were so undeveloped, you couldn't even muster a bit of care when they were killed. For it to be scary, you have to get people to buy into the premise, and I started laughing as it went on. The kills lacked a certain useful realism.
4) Plot holes! There are multiple, but my favorite is, how did the space octopus grow to epic proportions in a room with no food- was there a pudding button on the magic healing chair?
5) Wasted themes. Good sci-fi will ask questions about who we are, what we are in the universe, whys and hows, and explore them. This movie nods at them, then wastes time on mutants and octopi and predictable to point of stupid twists, and we never really get that sense of having gotten a hard think out of it.
If it had been scary, or compelling, or visually stunning to some new heights, it could've succeeded, but it's a slow ride to nowhere that leaves you feeling empty.
The Orphan Killer (2011)
Near Five Star Slasher
Just been exposed to this awesome movie, and I'm glad I bought a signed copy. This movie is not for everyone- it's very gory, very suspenseful, and downright blasphemous to some. It is not a PG-13 horror movie by any means, and R might not contain it. But for those who find those things a positive...
1. Deep Characterization- Despite minimalist dialog, the acting is superb, small motions and scenes bringing across character depth often unseen in the horror genre.
2. Powerful Gore Effects- The kills in this are scary realistic, hits mangling and deforming people before they die. Heads are ripped apart, blood flows, skin is ripped off- it's painful looking stuff, and awesome.
3. Cinematography and sound in general are both superb, the picture clear and easy to see. Brutal sound on all the squelching, deadly hits going on.
4. Acting. The voice of the Orphan Killer is terrifying and awesome, and the way people carry themselves in this really communicates the punishment their bodies have been put through.
There are things I could nitpick about this film, but they are so minor in comparison to the awesomeness of it, I can't bring myself to type them. Here's waiting for the sequel!
Mondo Schlocko! Short (2010)
Hilarious
This film is short, but funny as hell.
Take a moment to get past the initial driving scenes, and the world of Mondo Shlocko opens up into a series of events so demented, you know you won't see them anywhere but in a great independent film. If you like Troma Films, pick this bad boy up if you can find it, and be prepared to be left begging for the full length feature film.
UNRATED SPOILERS! Mondo Schlocko contains: -Sizzling and Bubbling Demon Semen -Pregnant Prostitute eating Pickles from Condom (Thank God for Sex Education Day at the school!) -Back Alley Abortions -Floating Rats -P***s decapitation -A bad ass baby with a wire in his head
It's filthy and disgusting and low budget and laugh out loud wonderful. If you don't have enough gonzo gross out madness in your day, make sure you pick up Mondo.
Sloppy the Psychotic (2012)
Upping Their Game
Having watched (and reviewed) Deadly Detour last year, I was pleasantly surprised by Sloppy the Clown, Maniac Films latest offering.
Magnitudes better than their first film, Sloppy is pretty good stuff, engaging the audiences on several levels. Initial portrayals of Mike's humanity, his struggles against both alcoholism and unemployment giving the character a depth unseen in many films. Like Popeye takes his spinach, people need to watch out when Sloppy gets his drink on- a bottle of booze and a bad day are all it takes to turn Sloppy into a rampaging killing machine, his maniacal nature matched by a certain vindictive creative streak in the many ways he finishes off his victims.
Good sound, good dialog, good acting, good fun, Sloppy slows down from time to time with car scenes and some prolonged sequences, but overall, Sloppy blew away my expectations for the film. This is one psycho clown that knows how to party.
Violent Night: The Movie (2011)
Charming and Funny, Cutesy Slasher Time
It's not gross out funny. It's not over the top bloody funny. It's goofy slacker funny, with a hint of absurd human behavior, and it kept me smiling almost the whole way through.
The three room mates banter often left me dying with it's self aware nature, such as the rather short half hour party, the goofiness of murder by way of forgetfulness, Joyce playing with her dolls, or the rather lazy reaction to their plight. It's a bit like watching beloved sitcom characters deal with a dead body in a trunk, with the lovable and goofy roommate turning out to have a hidden dark side. Also, cutest slasher ever (stickers on her mask and added bonus).
It's also environmentally aware (use biodegradable bags!). I hope to see these characters, ghosts or otherwise, show up again for a sequel.
John Carter (2012)
Surprisingly Good
I expected mostly spectacle, for John Carter to be nothing more than the story of an Earth Man kicking alien butt on another world, and I definitely got that. What I didn't expect was that the film did not pigeonhole it's tone to pure seriousness or pure camp. In effect, it felt closer to movies like Indiana Jones, Star Wars, and other great adventure films, with a mix of action, humor, and surprising depth of emotion at times.
Usually when I see a film, I find something to complain about- a huge plot hole, a character taking an action I find far too unreasonably stupid, terrible acting, etc. And, I honestly didn't happen upon that. A lot of elements that could have came across as cliché and played out were skillfully executed to give them a spin I hadn't seen in years.
Spoilers: John Carter himself could have mistakenly be put into the role of gravelly voiced reluctant savior who must be guilted in to saving people. Instead he was the man who was reluctant for war yet spurred in the moment to heroic action, he did not feel the part of the killer whose heart grows three sizes or the total dick, but a man with real issues in his past that overcomes his inner demons, accepting himself as the hero he was all along.
Willem Dafoe as Tars Tarkis was well done, as he was what you would expect from a tribal warlord with redeeming qualities, yet he still had that savage edge. He was willing to inflict brutality to maintain order, yet guide with a wise hand where the law let him, making him come off as a more real political figure than he could have.
The Thern- pretty god damn terrifying. Don't want to ruin it. But the way they are played up in the movie gives the whole film a grander and more terrifying scope.
Deja Thoris as a character is interesting as while she is put in the Princess victim position, she doesn't sit idly by like some trophy to be exploited. She has real misgivings for her wedding, she's a scientist, she can fight, and yet doesn't come off as a mary sue or bad girl.
The humor. The Tharks calling John Carter Virginia is pretty damn funny to start, and there's a lot of goofy moments to keep things from getting too serious business.
If you don't like sci-fi or star wars, you won't like this film, but if you like either, I highly recommend it.
Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)
Believability Dies on the Table
SPOILERS FOR PA 1 & 2 The first two Paranormal Activity films are terrifying. Your presented with a rather mundane and placid place where a supernatural presence slowly but surely grows and becomes more vicious. The normality of the speech and environments builds up this ordinary nature, but it's the small details that clinch it. The 'magical' figures of the first and second films include a psychic, a mysticism familiar house maid, and a mentioned demonology expert. These all exist.
The demon is difficult to understand and unknowable in it's motivations, which makes it more unpredictable and frightening.
SPOILER FOR PA 3 What don't exist are the mythical satanic witch covens summoning up demons and marrying people off to be brides of Satan. It killed my ability to buy into the real of the film, because it felt so fake. Their grandma's appearance screams witch from the very beginning, and if the audience can make that connection while watching a snippet of the fictional family's life, than so could the guy taping everything.
In addition, the application of the name Tobi, the cult around him, and his rather yawn inducing need to marry the young girls leaves me cold. So, the unknowable demon just wants to get hitched? To a little girl? Give me a break, he went from terrifying otherworldly to pathetic demon living in it's mom's basement.
The majority of PA 2 is pretty good, with a few more cheap scares reducing some of the quality, but are excusable. Over all, the ending was bad enough to bring down the overall quality of the movie. I was scared for about 75% of the movie, but as soon as they took a trip to Grandma's house, it lost me. She was an obvious witch, her house was like a museum of "I revel in Satan" but Dennis just can't put two and two together and get them the hell out of there.
It's scary for a watch, but I don't recommend wasting a theater outing on the worst installation of the series.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
Baybots 3: Darkside of the Boom
It's similar to the other Transformers film in scope and quality, with everything we've come to expect from a Michael Bay film. Explosion should get credit in the cast section, as it probably gets more screen time and audio than anything else in this film. Where to even begin? To be fair, the 3d is very good, and some of the action scenes look very good. It doesn't save the film.
1) Continuiwhatty?: The premise of the film basically ignores the previous plot involving the All Spark. I mean, the really real reason we have Megatron going to Earth is to get the Autobot super weapon to enslave mankind, not the Allspark? Why? In a side by side MacGuffin comparison, the Allspark is so much more important than the Columns to restoring Cybertron, it's barely a comparison. Yet somehow, we are supposed to believe he was really coming to Earth to meet up with Nimoy-bot to enslave mankind. I believe, originally, they had no idea humans were even here.
2)Nonsense Plot: Maybe the new movie will manage to create something deeper with it's plot by ignoring the other films?
*Spoiler Time* So, basic premise- we started the space race and went to the moon to get a UFO. Already, this makes no sense. Why didn't the scientific community, who does a lot more stargazing than the government, detect the quite obvious comet and blip on the moon at some point after the mission was announced? Why didn't we go back to get it once discovered? While there were only supposedly 35 people who knew of this plot, it's just about impossible to believe when you consider all the other scientific organizations around the world who must stay silent and ignorant for such a thing to stay secret. In detail, they used radar dishes from an organization that wasn't created until after the space race to detect the UFO. This puts things on a weak foot to start with.
3) Focus on one dimensional Human characters: Sam has problems. Harped on by his parents for not finding a job three months after graduation from an Ivy league school, while he lives with his super model from Britain. Oh the shame! For some reason, despite being Ivy league, having a presidential medal, etc., he's a bumbling fool in his interviews, and in general. How did he make it through school being this inadequate at basic human functions? Later, he seem to use his Ivy League parkour to dodge and run like a freak through more 3d mayhem! While a great deal of time is spent establishing how much he loves his new model in this movie, I don't really buy it- not because of acting, just because it all feels rushed.
Really, to just skip play by play, there is, once again, excessive focus on people. To be honest, I have to give Michael Bay props on his creativity, because he finds lots of places to avoid having robot on robot conflict. Autobots get captured by Decepticons off screen so we can watch more army guys fighting robots. Long scenes of this, in fact. I think Michael Bay realizes he'll never get this kind of budget again and tried to stick every crazy paramilitary stunt he could into this thing just so he got a chance to do it. Some of it is very pretty though- unfortunately feel very out of place in this movie.
Then there's the stupidity of mankind working with the Decepticons- apparently, smart enough to make energon detectors to warn of decepticon attack, not smart enough to realize the evil robots that have attempted to wipe us out TWICE are just going to do it again. The Autobots then leave us to our doom for a full day, letting the Decepticons murder thousands to show that the Decepticons could not be trusted and so they could get them.
4) We Get It: The Autobots fight terrorists while waiting for Decepticons. The Decepticons double cross humanity when they 'negotiate'. Optimus Prime says freedom enough in this movie so many times I swore he was being secretly piloted by George Bush. Terrorists bad! No negotiate! USA! USA! Agenda pushed. Honestly, the original Decepticons were evil royalty, militaristic vehicles, despots with purple color scheme, versus the working man Autobots, with the red color scheme and all the social service civilian vehicles like firetrucks and such. Corrupt Royalty/Military vs. The Working Man. It wasn't terrorists versus USA. That was GI Joe.
All in All: All flash. It's not a good plot, sub par dialog, and the robot action is set aside to see explosions and people. Coming to the end of the film, I felt so little investment the 'mind blowing' action fell flat- people were in danger but their situation, it's context, how little I felt for them, I simply felt as if I were just being forced to wait through the action to get back to something that almost mattered. Right to the end, I just couldn't care. I am sad I funded future films from this director by seeing it.
The Puppet Monster Massacre (2010)
As Strange as Advertised
NOTE: DEFINITELY NOT FOR CHILDREN The Puppet Monster Massacre is pretty crazy, and it's hard to say what audience it would most appeal to, but if you're somebody who likes puppets, gore, and monster movies, there is a pretty good shot this movie will work for you.
The Good: The voice work on most of the puppets is pretty good, with funny, cartoonish voices in most cases. There are some standard but entertaining gags using the puppets- merry chase scenes, jokes about how inarticulate felt puppet hands are, etc. Oddly, the plot itself is kind of cool, involving a Nazi scientists revenge planned over many years, revealed in a cartoon flashback of WWII that is strangely powerful to a film primarily about silly puppets. For the more comical gore enthused, some of the puppets die in particularly hilarious fashions with enough blood effects to keep it interesting.
The Bad: The music of the film is a bit lackluster, which makes some scenes feel very plodding and quiet. A few running gags run so far as to kill the joke. The female voices in the film are a bit under played compared to the goofy male voices around them. Near the end, things take such a dark turn that the comedy of it is nearly destroyed, leading to a somewhat disappointing last few minutes.
Overall: Sometimes it didn't know whether it was a comedic film with a horror movie backdrop or a horror film made with puppets, and the ambiguity can turn some people off. If you really find puppets funny or have some kind of hatred for them and wish to seem them rendered, this is probably a good fit for you. The Puppet Monster Massacre is a one of a kind film thats hard to forget, with some cool plot elements that defy it's silly nature. If nothing else, it was an interesting film that kept me watching until the end.
Deadly Detour (2011)
Broken Promises
I was told by the creators of the film that they had packed as much sex, gore, and disgusting depravity into a film that they could- in other words, a truly overloaded slasher flick of the most base and disgusting level, something I could get behind.
When the lights went down and the film came on, whisper quiet audio and mumbled poorly delivered lines were drown out by the raucous laughter of those who had (obviously) created the film. After a long and awkward atypical guy tries to get some action car scene, he gets out of the car only to be... thrown in a trunk? After being thrown into said trunk, his girl is murdered in perfect darkness, an effective device if the audio and acting support it- which they totally didn't. The flat and ineffectual screams and whining from cast kept any of it from really having effect. The guy gets out of the trunk and is run down by rubber mask Sloth from the Goonies, has his guts torn out, and we go to the best scene of the movie.
Sloth, AKA the Goat Man, takes a saw to some limbs in some dark building as rock music plays and a swinging light causes his shadow to loom on the wall. It looks cool. If the whole film looked this way, it would've been a slick and stylish low budget piece.
The film quickly goes nowhere as we get some cars filled with more mumbling, not funny, young people who we'll eventually see get murdered. Still can't hear the jokes as they are laughed over by the crew.
The plot meandered along, still barely audible, acting no better, and we hear about the goat man and see some guts outside a park ground bathroom just sort of hanging out. We half hear the legend of the goat man, and for some reason, there is a guy eating poop in the bathroom- gross, but sort of random. There was a car breakdown and then...
I don't know, I got up and left the theatre. As a low budget film, there is a lot that can be forgiven, but you can't forgive everything. Poor writing, directing, acting, audio, and film quality makes for an all points bulletin of unwatchable. If the jokes had been funny, pass, if the gore over the top, pass, if the sex crammed in, pass, but it had none of these elements.
On the plus side, I give credit for attempt at a full length feature. However, when I see the starting sequence of the sawing madman, I can only think that if they pulled off that much visual menace in the beginning, it shows they could have done more with the rest of the film.
Over all, if you promise depravity, sex, and gore packed to the gills, you better deliver within the first half hour of the film.