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Reviews
The Babadook (2014)
Baba What??
The Babadook (may include spoilers, beware!)
Dook dook dook - oh my darling, knock three times on the ceiling if you want me (while Tony Orlando and Dawn's singing voices playing in your head and it brought you back to riding your bike down the country road with "Now & Then"). The more we researched the meaning of the movie and dug into fine details, the more the movie made sense and the motivations were revealed. First off, where did the book come from? We think that Amelia (the mother) may be our culprit. Who was a children's author out of work for 7 years? We believe she manifests this book and creature due to her inability to let go of her deceased husband, Oscar. Just like good ole Beetlejuice, no one should ever say "Oscar" 3 times fast! Baba means "Father" (yup, literally) and who appears just a few more times to spend fleeting moments with Amelia...her late husband! She also decided to domesticate this entity to live in their basement, eating worms forever. Worms are known to be symbolic of being divided between death and renewal; all in all too perfect. Something's slimy here. Are there any other Babadooks, or Mamadooks, or Marmadukes?? You can't get rid of me.
Superlatives
Worst Mother: Amelia - Oh, your child continues to bring weapons to school, no big deal. Just keep him at home with you. However, AWESOME acting. You were believable Essie Davis.
Best Dressed: The Babadook, always looking dapper.
Most likely to pursue a career as an Accountant: The drab colors that were used for the entire movie. The colors reeked of depression. However, the music transitions were phenomenal and did make up for that!
Overall Grade: B-
The Boy (2016)
Age Old Tale of a (Haunted?) Doll
The Boy (beware, may include spoilers)
Did we just become best friends? Yup! Just like Brahms and Greta, I mean who wouldn't befriend a life-sized doll who appears to have a spirit living inside of it? That always seems like a good idea. The movie started off s l o w l y but it did eventually find it's pace and plotline. Meet Brahms, the "8 year old" boy that Greta has traveled around the world to babysit. Let's face it, she's running from her ex back in the states and a desolate village in merry ole England is the perfect solution (or so she thinks). Brahms elderly parents introduce him to Greta and at this moment you can see her disbelief. He's a porcelain doll that is carried around like a real boy and is treated just as any 8 year old boy would be. So pretty much he's got the perks Pinocchio was never privy to!
This is when things turn dicey. Brahms starts moving "on his own" and making Greta peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And instead of dipping out and flying back to the U S of A, she treats Brahms like it was her own live child. Only soon to discover the real Brahms has been living in the walls. Fingers crossed for a sequel titled "The Girl", psych!
Superlatives:
Worst Friend: Greta's friend - gotta secret can you keep it...nope. I'll just tell your ex where you are hiding so he can write you a "letter". Bye Felicia.
Worst at dying: Brahms - facial skin severely burned in a house fire, but still able to grow hair like a Greek God. Also, can get stabbed with a screwdriver in the stomach and not require any medical attention.
Worst Parents: Brahm's elderly rents. Not only did the fake a death, replaced their living child with a porcelain doll, and committed suicide with 3 stones a piece leaving The Boy with The Girl forever.
Overall grade: D for effort
Hereditary (2018)
Good Time to Check Out AncestryDNA
Hereditary:
Disappointment and enjoyment; those are two words that come to mind when thinking about watching the largely hyped new horror movie "Hereditary". We were expecting it to be scarier, more shocking moments, more questions about the movie concept. Not questions about scenes and motivations. Don't get us wrong, we thoroughly enjoyed watching the movie, however, we left disappointed with a gut-wrenching feeling of emptiness. It's like going in for a bite of pepperoni pizza, only to discover it's a kale salad. Just like Kale salad, this movie did not fill our stomachs with horror goodness. All hail king Paimon! This was a new villain which was refreshing, but ultimately another devil-worshipping plot line. Grandma was crafty and sealed her families fate years ago. If only her son hadn't learned of her plans (or gone insane) and ended his own life, then Annie's family would not have needed to cease to exist. Ok, well Peter made it out, lucky dog. Paimon prefers a male host. They're keeping it all in the family as the title suggests, it's hereditary! We were at the edge of our seats waiting for that "jump" or "ah ha" moment. I guess when Hell freezes over we will be satisfied. We kept waiting for the figurines that Annie creates to come into play after the first scene had shown the figures coming to life. Were we supposed to think they were all pieces in a puzzle that was set into motion years ago? So much more could have been explored! But, Toni Collette and the rest of the cast were outstanding and it was very well made. Also quick shoutout to the talented Milly Shapiro (Charlie) for making her character truly convincing and strange! And, those doll creations you constructed, #creepy.
Superlatives:
Worst Death: Would it be the beheading of Charlie, the suicide of Annie herself, or look your husband is on fire? I think it's a three-way tie!
Most likely to have a booming Etsy business: Grandma Ellen and her lovely personalized floor mats. Where can we find those?!
Best Liar: Aunt Lydia. I mean, Joan. Nothing like conning a mourning mother.
Overall Grade: B- (you passed, however not quite there for a solid grade)
Mom and Dad (2017)
Gore Fest with Twisted Parents
Mom and Dad (Beware - may include spoilers)
Who wants to play the scariest game of hide and seek ever? Only the stakes are real and your biological mom and dad are literally looking to murder you. What happened to these fairly well-adjusted suburban families? Is it something in the water? The parents in this movie have a thirst for carnage and only of their own kin. The ending shows the Ryan parents tied up in their own basement by their kids, still displaying murderous symptoms. How would you handle this situation? Always a good idea to lock yourself in a basement with no way out. Wasn't there a window - come on kids you're smarter than that! You can assemble a booby trap to have the door strike a match, but you can't locate a window?
This may have been one of the goriest movies we've watched in a long time. There was literally a murder or attempted murder in every scene. #blood
Creepiest Father - You guessed it, Nicholas Cage as Dad Brent Ryan. Fact: he loved making this movie. Weird!
Best death: the maids daughter by the hand of her own mother; good old meat tenderizer to the head. Ouch!
Most likely to become a magician: Josh Ryan and the never ending popsicle. How many licks does it take? No one will ever know because once it's almost gone it reappears! #goof
Overall grade:C+
Slumber (2017)
Sleep Paralysis May Ruin Your Slumber
Slumber (Beware may include spoilers)
Well, if you have ever experienced sleep paralysis, this movie could definitely speak to you. Dr. Alice Arnolds (played by the stunning Maggie Q) is a level-headed sleep specialist with a troubled past that has been buried deep inside until she meets the Morgans. There's definitely something about the Morgans. Especially their son, Daniel. Alice should have known he was trouble the moment she saw the white, Bride of Frankenstein, patch in his hair. Eerily familiar to her own brother's, who she witnessed die in childhood after a run-in with a sleep monster. Sleep paralysis for this family is no joke, especially dealing with nightly run-ins with sleep walking, scissors, and the infamous blender (the blender that is STILL there in the middle of the kitchen island - don't you think you would remove all objects from the house that could result in suicide or homicide??) Seems logical.
Luckily, one of the hospital cleaning staff has a kooky old grandpa who knows all about the Morgan's issues. Is it just us, or does this man strangely play an uncanny resemblance to Tangina Barrons, the Medium in the late Poltergeist film? Grandpa is able to sweep in, like Tangina, with his eccentric personality and it's finally his turn to play the hero and alongside Dr. Arnolds, they defeat the Night Hag. Or, at least for now... (if only we could insert the lullaby here). Overall the movie was entertaining, however honestly there was a mosquito buzzing in the room that was distracting and did not care to rewind.
Superlatives:
Most likely to wind up in an insane asylum - Alice. Spoiler, already there.
Best outfit - the Morgan daughter in her tiger suit! Who doesn't love to wear an animal onesie - now on our shopping list!
Most likely to be a #MCM: Will Kemp - check #alreadywinning
Overall grade: B
Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell (2018)
Tremors Live On
Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell (Beware there may be spoilers)
And that's what this movie felt like: A cold day in hell. A bitter, cold, brutal day in hell. Ok it wasn't that bad, but the movie kept losing our focus. There were points that were intriguing, but then the next minute we notice we're scrolling through Insta liking Michal Myers posts. #halloweenforlife
The similarities between this Tremors and the first Kevin Bacon Tremors did not go unnoticed. Thank you to Michael Gross for making an appearance in this film and making it a priority to once again slay Graboids. Although you did not wear your legendary Atlanta Hawks hat, you are still an all-around badass. Once again, these Tremors were fought from a singular structure, just like the old desert town in the first movie. However, these are cold-weather OG Graboids, back from centuries of being dormant. Only redeeming factor in this movie was Jamie Kennedy as Travis Welker. Some comedic relief was necessary even if we prefer him as Randy the movie store horror fanatic.
Superlatives:
Worst villain: the flying graboid - since when is there a flying tremor??
Most likely to fail special effects class: the sand, I mean the snow, I mean sand, what was it???
Who we wanted to make a cameo: Obvious answer - Kevin Bacon. Probably safer that he didn't touch this one.
Overall grade: F (sorry, but this movie will not be watched again)
The New Daughter (2009)
Classic Tale of Burial Grounds and Very Predictable
The New Daughter (Beware there may be spoilers) We would like to admit we are more than a fan of this movie than a critic, however we have seen enough horror films to know all the tricks. This movie was very predictable in the essence of shock value; we were able to guess the dirt would turn to blood in the bath, there were going to be other spiders in the drawer once opened, and something scary was going to happen outside of the car window just to name a few. A classic story of a single-parent family moving to a new, spooky, house where things begin to go bump in the night. However, in this take the new home is on an ancient Indian burial ground, what could go wrong? Louisa, the older sister, falls victim to the calling of the muddy ant hills and there's no coming back. Shock value: slimy, alien-like, creatures are now on the loose and unfortunately Kevin Costner, author John James, could not keep them under control! Is it witchcraft, is it aliens, is it voodoo? We're still not sure... Superlatives:
Worst bacne: Louisa, sorry girlfriend.
DILF: this is a given, Kevin Costner.
Most likely to not wind up in the babysitter's club: Mrs. Amworth, RIP .
Overall Grade: C+ (+ just because of the Costner)
Dead Awake (2016)
Hit Snooze on Sleep Paralysis
Dead Awake (Beware there may be spoilers) - You may want to snooze through this one. We got a good 15-20 minute nap in and we're pretty sure we missed nothing. It's amazing that the 1 million year old sleep paralysis urban legend was solved in a 4-day span. All we can take away from this movie is that if you start to believe in the power of the chest-sitting Night Hag, tag you're it. Or, turn to bright lights, highly concentrated adrenaline and caffeine to fuel your non-sleeping lifestyle, worked out great for Hassan and Mr. Pang.
The story lines and back stories were overflowing, but they didn't fit together to add to the dynamic of this film; the connection between twins, the drug history, moving back home, just to name a few. If the plots lines don't align, how can you expect to beat sleep paralysis? Verdict: you can't. Good luck Kate!
Biggest scaredy cat - Tricks. Poor thing was terrified and had to scratch it's way out of the bedroom.
Most Likely to cheer on the Toros - Jesse Bradford, aka Cliff Pantone. We are loving the man bun on ya.
Most cringe-worthy scene - Experiencing sleep paralysis while a spider dangles down from the ceiling, only to land on your open eye. No thank you.
Overall Grade: D for dead.
Extinction (2018)
Who Runs the World? Robots!
Extinction (Beware there may be spoilers)
This may not technically be a horror movie, but it had its share of intense, semi-thriller moments. Michael Pena is Peter, the father who puts in too many hours at work and not enough time at home with his wife and two daughters. He's plagued by very realistic dreams about an attack of what appears to be aliens. Is he going insane? Can he save his family?
After the invasion of dark, predator-looking beings just as Peter had envisioned, it becomes clear that the "extinction" in the title is referring to something that happened in the past. Huge twist! In true Westworld style, who runs the world? Robots!
Although we get a sample of the backstory in Peter's visions, we can't help but be left with an emptiness of wanting more of the history and a stir of questions. This one town was overtaken by robots, but what about the rest of the world? How did the humans get to Mars? How do robots bleed blood?
Best (robo) plastic surgery - Daughter Hannah, you wouldn't even know she lost an eye!
Worst behaved (robo) children - neither daughter could follow instructions, anyone else yelling at the TV?
Most likely to become a UFC champion - Peter - robots would make the ultimate, ultimate fighter
Overall Grade: B (for bot)
I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016)
Read the Book
I am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (Beware there may be spoilers) If you hunger for an action-packed horror film with jump out of your seat moments, gory massacre scenes, and fast-paced combat combos, then this film is not for you. Unfortunately, this coincides with our inability to boast positive attributes about this film. Although we did not enjoy the film in its entirely, there are aspects about the film that works for those that enjoy the subtle clues, slow story-line, and cunning monologues.
The protagonist, Lily, is hired to care for an elderly author in her large, lonely (haunted) house. With the film portraying a great murder-mystery author, Iris Blum, the film is written in such a way as if you were reading a novel yourself. Grasping onto every spoken word is key in this movie as that was where you could create some imagery around the stale shots. Or the many scenes that were practically black screens. Lily starts to realize she's not alone in this house gradually and this is facilitated by the fact that Iris refers to her as Polly. That may tip me off to something deeper going on, but Lily takes quite some time to find a connection. Polly is the main character in one of Iris' novels, "The Lady in the Walls" and from there the concept unfolds. We think this may have just been better left as a novel, or maybe even a podcast.
Most likely to die of a heart attack: Iris Blum due to old age, however, good health Lily suffers from a heart attack killing her at the sight of Polly's ghost.
Most likely to never watch this movie again: Us.
Best hair volume: Iris Blum, at an old age, your hair is rockin'.
Overall Grade. D
The House of Deadly Secrets (2018)
Neighborhood Watch Fail
House of Deadly Secrets (Beware there may be spoilers and a crazy old lady) This B-rated made for tv horror film is a little over the top (at least that's how we see this production). Maggie and her daughter, Ava, move into a new house on a quiet street at the beginning of this film. Maggie flips houses for a living and is freshly on her own after a breakup with her ex, Zeke. Patty McCormack steals the show as the their neighbor from across the street, sweet old "Sylvia". She quickly befriends Maggie and her true character begins to unfold. Sylvia's "husband" is being held hostage in his own home, only left with a wooden spoon to defend himself (and call for help). Unfortunately, that wooden spoon is also his downfall as Sylvia creatively shoves it down his throat to shut him up.
Sylvia is haunted by the "disappearance" of her own daughter at a young age and is willing to do anything to keep her memory alive. She begins to see her "Cindy" in little Ava and makes any excuse to let herself into Maggie's home. She really is crafty in this sense. As you guessed it, eventually Maggie and her reunited family defeat the crazy old neighbor together and survive to live another day.
Strongest: "Sylvia" - with her ability and brute force with wooden spoons, pushing, and stabbing - there's lots of muscle packed into this petite frail body.
Most gullible: Maggie - making friends so quickly with "Sylvia" - she's old she must be trustworthy.
Most creative evil plan - "Sylvia" again when she pays off the bum to sleep in Maggie's home. Tricky tricky!
Overall grade: C+
The Signal (2014)
The Red-Headed Step Child of The Matrix and The Cube
The Signal (Beware there may be spoilers)
Well, if we would have been signaled to skip this one, we probably would have. Not to say there weren't flashes of creativity, but mostly, just mis-mixed signals.
This sci-fi thriller follows 3 highly intelligent MIT students, Nic, Haley, and Jonah who start out on a road trip and end up with an out of this world adventure. After attempting to track down a hacker by the name of NOMAD, our star Nic, who is struggling with adapting to living with muscular dystrophy, wakes up in a sterile, hospital-like environment with no memory of how he got there. In comes Morpheus, we mean Damon, played by Laurence Fishburne. He continues to confuse everyone and provides little to no answers about what Nic is experiencing. But, added bonus, bionic legs! (so technically he doesn't have 10 toes). A cross between The Matrix and The Cube, this movie has similarities of both where the leads were either kidnapped or ingested a blue pill to be transported to a floating (device) above earth. Why the "aliens" wanted to experiment with metal limbs and cows is still unknown. At least the aliens kept Morpheus's face.
Most likely to win a fight against The Hulk: Jonah and the bionic arms vs. green super human strength - Jonah is definitely the winner here, if he were still alive.
Favorite old lady: Mirabelle, wasn't she everyone's favorite?! You know her from the Insidious movies and of course Magda from There's Something About Mary
Most overused phrase: "Are you agitated?" Ummm yes, very.
Overall Grade: D+
Tusk (2014)
Newest Plastic Surgery Trend: Tusks
Tusk (Beware there may be spoilers)
"If you wish to continue living you will be a walrus or nothing at all". Choose nothing, choose nothing!! For the love of God, choose nothing! How many dead walrus's are in that pool?? Sounds like a terrible joke. But this movie is no joke. It was quite disturbing that we were left with a unremitting frown of disgust and a lump in our throat making it unbearable to swallow.
Podcaster Wallace Bryton sets out on a Canadian journey from Hell to interview loner Howard Howe. After being mysteriously "bitten" by a brown recluse spider, native to Canada (said sarcastically), Wallace wakes up only to soon discover his leg had been amputated. Howard is a strange man and we quickly learn his love for walruses, yup walruses. Howard has plans, including patterns, to turn Wallace into a human walrus, tusks and all. Similar to everyone's favorite horror film, The Human Centipede.
Wallace Bryton, the comical quirky podcaster, reluctantly becomes Wally the walrus, or in Howard's eyes the love and savior of his life, the one and only Mr. Tusk. We just can't even make this up. Luckily, Haley Joel Osment (yup, the Sixth Sense kid) is Wallace's podcast partner and he is all too familiar with this type of mystery and comes to the rescue with Ally, Wallace's girlfriend. We're surprised the dead walrus's at the bottom of the pool didn't speak to him, that seems like something that could have happened. Wallace's friends come to the rescue just as he's using his newly created tusks to stab crazy Howard. #Nightmaresfordays.
Although this movie is a disturbing twist of The Human Centipede and Lewis Carroll's The Walrus and the Carpenter, it falls short of being successful. Maybe next time, just don't. Oh and bonjour Mr. Depp - looking dapper.
Most likely to make swim team captain: Wallace, Wally the Walrus, Mr. Tusk - how did he not drown??
Best Monster: Mr. Tusk wins again, you were terrifying!
Most resourceful: Howard Howe - I mean he figured out how to make walrus tusks from human leg bones.
Overall Grade: W
Demonic (2015)
Classic Demon Tale with a New Twist
Demonic (Beware may contain spoilers)
This film may have left a few unanswered questions lingering, but it kept your attention and even made us jump out of our seats a few times! An age-old story of a group of ghost-hunters in their 20's thinking they will record the first ever ghost siting by staying at a house with a murderous past. The house was the scene for a séance gone wrong back in the 80s and occult member Martha Livingston murdered everyone involved except for 1 survivor. Why not repeat history?! The movie opens up with Detective Mark Lewis investigating some weird noises at the old house and ends up discovering 3 dead bodies and a survivor, in shock.
John, our shock survivor, was part of the group going to spend some time in the house that had not been lived in since the infamous incident, but hesitantly. He's been experiencing visions and feels a connection as his mother was friends with Martha Livingston when she went insane. He's joined by his girlfriend, Michelle, and her group of ghost-obsessed friends.
We soon are informed of the pregnancy of John's girlfriend, Michelle. During the séance scene, John sees his mother in the body of Michelle and looking back when the movie it complete that's when the truth hits for viewers. History is truly repeating itself as John's mother was pregnant with John during the infamous murders and she was the late lone survivor. Michelle is the lone survivor in present day, harboring the new demon baby, AKA demon John is the father and intended this situation all along. Dun dun dun.
Most likely to study abroad in Europe: Ghost-obsessed Bryan, who you would recognize yelling out "Fiona!" from the movie Euro Trip, who is Michelle's ex and a jerk the entire movie. Karma buddy.
Most likely to see dead people: Dr. Maria Bello - were you talking to an empty chair the whole time??
Best could-be couple - Donnie and Jules "I want to put a baby in you" ...too bad buddy.
Overall Grade: B
Friend Request (2016)
Trust Your Gut
Friend Request (Beware there may be spoilers)
Well, this whole situation could have been avoided if Laura, the leading lady, had just denied a friend request from an outsider with zero friends. But, we love a good a good demon story so of course the opposite occurred, hence the title. #dontmakefriendsonline
Laura is a kind, beautiful college student that takes pity on a mysterious girl, Marina, and befriends her. She immediately regrets this decision as she gets glimpses into her dark world. Let's begin with her Facebook page; what? So many weird, ominous, creepy images and videos. Red flag! As the story unfolds, Laura's real friends find themselves in danger after she de-friends Marina. Is Marina to blame or could it be a demon? We may never know as the plot thickens at the end; the story is stuck in a continuous loop - sorry Laura, welcome to HELL.
Most likely to stay on Netflix: Friend Request movie - Voted best movie to have as background noise while packing for Vegas. You may forget you have it on.
Most gruesome scene: Gustavo - a lovely little scene of him walking back and forth in the elevator banging his head against the wall.
Most likely to delete their social media account: Probably anyone who viewed this film.
Overall Grade: C.
Truth or Dare (2018)
Classic Party Game Gone Wrong - Worth the Watch
Truth or Dare (Beware there may be spoilers) Everyone has played a game or 2 of Truth or Dare in their time; hopefully it never ended up like this movie. Lucy Hale plays Olivia, the beautiful, morally conscious college student. Her group of friends cancels her Habitat for Humanity spring break to force her to join them in Mexico. What could go wrong? You guessed it, they are led away from a bar to an abandoned mission building by a new friend, "Carter" and he offers up the idea to play a game of truth or dare for fun. After the game takes an emotional turn, "Carter" flees and admits to Olivia that the game is real and to follow the rules or you will die. Let the fun begin! Once back in the states, Olivia is the first to start seeing things. "Truth or Dare" appears to be written everywhere (or is it?). She heads to the library to find her friends and is surrounded by students with wicked smiles when she finally cracks. She exclaims "truth" and must reveal a secret. Unfortunately, she just yells the secret out loud and her friends are within earshot. However, the next victim of the game is not so lucky and selects "dare". When his dare is not completed, he is forced to fall off of a pool table, killing himself. Aha! The game is real, and you must follow the rules. Olivia and friends continue to take turns and unfortunately start dropping like flies. They must figure out how to end the game and stay alive. The solution is on the tip of their tongues! Did they stop the curse? Watch the movie or maybe you will think twice the next time you play the popular party game Truth or Dare!
Worst Dare: This one is hard, we're glad our dares only ended in pulling off someone's sock with our teeth, can't say the same for this version!
Worst Love Triangle - I like you but I don't love you, ouch that hurts. Don't worry Olivia, we're team Ezria anyway.
Best smile - or should we say creepiest - Calax the demon; stealing the faces of millions of unknowing souls.
Overall Grade: A-
The Haunting of Hill House (2018)
A Haunting Series Worth Watching
The Haunting of Hill House (caution there may be spoilers)
This new Netflix series follows the Crain siblings who experience supernatural phenomenon over the course of their lives after moving into the Hill House. The story jumps back and forth in time (further evidence of Nell's theory that time is not linear) from youth to adulthood with intertwining haunting events stemming from the Hill House experiences. This terrorizing tale mirrors the late film "The Haunting" and is based on the novel "The Haunting of Hill House" written in 1959.
This series did not disappoint and with every episode, Hill House became more terrifying. Highlights: the Bent Neck Lady, the man in the cellar who attacked Luke, Dr. Hill's dead body in the wall, and any clock shown after midnight ending in :03.
We read from Buzzfeed that the children demonstrate the five stages of grief by age; Steven is Denial, Shirley is Anger, Theo is Bargaining, Luke is Depression, and Nell is Acceptance and in a lot of ways during the course of this series, we experienced all five stages, however in reverse.
We quickly accepted the fact that this series was one of the most haunted series we have experienced and actually caused us to quickly jump when lights flickered or sparked in the comfort of our own homes! A bit of depression set in when we had to witness all of the horrible experiences these poor children endured. There was definitely some bargaining and pleading to the characters towards the end to not return to the house! Who wasn't angered by the death of Hugh Crain (the father)!? And, we are still in denial that this series is over.
Biggest "ah ha" moment - When Nell dies and we realize she is the Bent Neck Lady all along.
Best trooper in a terrible situation - Poor Abigail, what a tragic tea party.
Best symbolism technique - The red door room - bearing many faces as the "stomach" of the house and every character's sanctuary. Whatttt? There wasn't really a treehouse?
Overall grade: A
Seven in Heaven (2018)
94 Minutes in Hell
Seven in Heaven (Beware there may be spoilers)
As we've learned through the years, and multiple horror movies, playing risky party games does not bode well. Case and point, just ask Lucy Hale and her treacherous experience with truth or dare.
Main characters Jude and June #terriblenameschoices take us on a roller coaster adventure to a place that is the same but different. While playing the classic party game seven minutes in heaven, J and J are selected to enjoy each other's company in a closet inside a closet. With Jude finding a classic set of playing cards, his mom being one of the "sexy" models, he had a passport to a parallel universe where every nightmare comes true. Are you following? Because we're not. This movie's plot line needs serious work and has a plethora of inexplicable holes. And why was Gary Cole present in every important scene as a "guide"? This movie is Hot Tub Time Machine without the comedic value. We wish we could go back in time to regain the time we lost watching this flick. Unfortunately, our time is down the drain. Forever.
Best murder weapon: neck pencil.
Best nickname: Judy. (And yes every time they said "hey Jude" we sang The Beatles classic song).
Best (worst) bully: Derek. This lookalike bully shows up in every teen movie #notoriginal.
Overall Grade: D. No explanation needed. Redo that paper Jude.
Malevolent (2018)
Phony Film with Phony Ghostbunters
Malevolent (Beware there may be spoilers)
Angela and Jackson, the story of two sibling scammers running a "fake" paranormal removal business from supposedly haunted houses. Their mother possessed the gift of seeing supernatural beings, before scratching her own eyes out. The sibling duo would never think that this power would be passed down to them, until Angela starts seeing visions that keep her up at night. The team of "ghost hunters" begins their normal process at an old foster home or orphanage (thanks IMDB for that piece of knowledge, the movie failed to mention this or if it did we both missed this piece altogether), said to be haunted by young girls who were tortured and had their mouths sewn shut. Angela starts to see these creepy girls. Queue the creepy twins from the Shining.
The cinematography was decent, but the filmed lacked a stable plotline. Did this crazy orphanage lady really torture and kill children over the years because they wouldn't stop screaming? Was that before or after the torture? There were more questions than answers and some obvious parts of the story that were missing. The only redeeming factor that this film held was that it actually made us flinch a few times. The torture scenes were graphic and made our lips quiver.
Best Seamstress: Old Lady Susie - sewing mouths of humans since the beginning of time (by the looks of those wrinkles)
Best Smile: No one - can you even smile with your mouth sewn shut?
Most drawn out near death - Elliot, man you lasted way longer than expected, kudos.
Overall grade: D+
Sabrina (2018)
Annabelle's Sister From Another Mister
Sabrina (Beware there may be spoilers)
In this Indonesian take on Annabelle, a toy maker and his family become haunted by a disturbing Weird Al Yankovic look-alike Sabrina doll. Living with her aunt and uncle, Vanya is still grieving over the loss of her mother (apparently not her mother AND father). She plays a game of Charlie, Charlie to summon the spirit of her passed mom. Charlie, Charlie is a rendition of the Ouija Board where a pencil (yup, neck pencil strikes again) turns on its own to answer questions with a "yes" or "no". Well surprise, the game is real and summons an evil spirit. Vanya thinks she's getting lost time with her mother (who of course only she can see) but as time passes and a few wicked events occur, even her aunt and uncle begin to catch on. They hire Laras and Raynard; the demon ridding team - spoiler, they were hired to help with Vanya's mother as well! This all would have been avoided if only they noticed the creep factor of the Sabrina doll right away!
Most downloaded app: Spirit Detector. How many spirits have you detected?? Can we get this app please!? Best trickery: Closing the doors on entities. You can't get in!! Haha just kidding you're a spirit that can go anywhere. Why does this only work sometimes?
Best use of English: The whole movie is in Indonesian, so reading subtitles was a must. However, there were words spoken in English randomly thrown in throughout the movie. #didijustlearnindonisian?? Overall Grade: B(een spending most our lives, living in an Amish Paradise)
Gehenna: Where Death Lives (2016)
A Bunker in Time
Gehenna: Where Death Lives (Beware there may be spoilers)
Gehenna is defined at the beginning of the movie as the most accursed place or destination of the wicked. So a little advice, don't go. A group of diverse colleagues travel to Saipan in search of a place to build their next new resort. #pleasebuildingehenna. They stumble upon an "abandoned" WW2 bunker. Careful kitties, curiosity will kill you. Over, and over, and over again.
There are a lot of storylines and clues throughout; such as the evil voodoo like dolls, the emaciated old man hiding in the shadows, the complete change of appearance of the bunker, and of course when good ole Pepe starts going crazy! Guide Pepe or should we say #voteforpedro was a delightful addition to the film. And to make matters worse, the travelers start to face the darkest skeletons in their closest.
Moral of the story is die first and don't go into weird foreign caves. You will die and then fall into an endless perpetual loop in Gehenna!
Worst secret: Paulina losing her son...woah so much guilt!
Spring Break 2019 hot spot: The WW2 Bunker Escape, Room: Gehenna
Most unnecessary scene: let's start this movie off with a good face cutting. Ok! #skinmasksbyedgein
Overall Grade: C+ .
Mother Krampus (2017)
Hide yo kids
Mother Krampus (Beware there may be spoilers)
To get into the holiday spirit, we thought, why not watch a festive movie? Maybe next time we'll just stick to good ole Black Christmas or something with at least some sort of linear plot line. This Christmas treat begins by providing a dark history of a town that has been plagued by the disappearance of children over the years around Christmas time. The vanishings were blamed on, you guessed it, Mother Krampus. Flash forward, she's back and ready to get revenge!
The first victim is stolen in plain sight from a church. The parenting on this one was top notch. Then another child disappears. Now the town huddles up and we learn why this child abductor is so keen to keep terrorizing this town; 25 years ago she was tortured by the children's grandparents and parents and is still quite upset about it. This year kids, no need to worry about being naughty or nice, your parents already sold your fate to Mother Krampus.
All I Want For Christmas Is You: Yup, all Mother Krampus wants this Christmas is you, little child. Take her hand and go to your new home.
Do You Hear What I Hear? If you're hearing Mother Krampus cutting off skin to make gingerbread cookies, then you're hearing the same thing. Too bad no one in this movie was an actual ginger.
Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart: Literally, you ripped out my heart.
I saw Frau Perchta Killing Children: Call out her name 3 times in front of the mirror and she'll rock your world.
Overall Grade: D for didn't understand.
Bird Box (2018)
Take off your blindfolds for this review
Bird Box (Beware there may be spoilers) The memes have run wild with images from this new Netflix thriller. Sandra Bullock is our hero and begins the movie blindfolded, leading 2 small children, also blindfolded, out into the woods and down into a hidden canoe to forge the river. Her demands are clear "..under no circumstance are you allowed to take off your blindfold. If I find that you have, I will hurt you.", and she is not kidding.
We jump back 5 years and learn how this land of blindfolds comes to be. Sandra, Malorie, is a bit of a loner artist, who is pregnant and going to a doctor's appointment with her sister, Jessica, played by Sarah Paulson. Everything is fine until people everywhere begin committing suicide, for no apparent reason. Jessica is driving Malorie home when she too becomes overtaken with whatever this force is, her face turns to sadness, and crashes the car. When that doesn't do that trick, she jumps in front of a moving garbage truck. Something terrible must be in the air. If you see "it" you will commit suicide.
Jumping ahead again 5 years, the story continues through the lives of Malorie, her two children, and her significant other, Tom. It follows their struggles and their perseverance to survive in this new world. She also carries along with her two pet canaries that possess the ability to sense the dark presence. With a powerful M. Night Shayamalan composition, this movie makes you cling to the unknown. It surrounds the viewer with an overwhelming sense of anxiety like you are blindfolded yourself, leaving you gripping your seat for the next scene.
How could this possibly end up, is there any hope? Who strives in an environment where sight is outlawed - the blind. However, there may also be outlaws that bring vision to the darkness.
Best names for children: boy and girl - no gender equality here
Scariest non-villain: Douglas - played by the talented John Malkovich, but what a douche
Best outcome from this movie - Bird Box Challenges!
Overall grade: A. No need to hide behind a blindfold here, this was entertaining.
Riaru onigokko (2015)
Subpar horror flic with the many faces of Mitsuko
Tag - aka Riaru onigokko (Beware there may be spoilers)
We know what you're thinking. No, this isn't the Jeremy Renner comedic Tag flic from 2018. This is the Japanese fantasy horror film with English subtitles (yes, we desperately needed to use them.) Mitsuko, a Japanese school girl, is cascaded through a plethora of parallel universes where the fate of her friends and those around her is nothing but terror and death. The opening scene gives sudden shock to the audience when the innocent girl drops her pen in the midst of a feather pillow fight. She picks up the pen (writing utensils to the rescue) only to realize when she stands up "the wind" takes off the entire top half of the bus and the people, which nonetheless leaves her covered in blood.
Mitsuko is continuously terrorized and runs to her next fate only to have her friends killed again. Mitsuko, or is it Keiko this time (she switches characters numerous times throughout the film), is terrorized once again. Marriage. Marathons. And death. Lots of death. Oh wait you're now in the future and in a video game played by Mr. Miyagi with long white hair. Make a big scene and it will all be over.
Moral of the story: Life is surreal. Don't let it get to you. The End.
Best groom: Bloody pig.
Best stolen soundtrack: The theme to the Walking Dead, hope you got the rights!
Best running team: Aki and the joy luck club.
Overall Grade: C for completely confused