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Reviews
The Northman (2022)
Incredible
I know there are very mixed reviews here and that made me want to come at it from a different perspective, without judging those who have a different opinion.
First off, about this film being "artsy". That is so not the case. Honestly, if it had been any less "artsy" it wouldn´t have been so incredibly factually accurate.
Most people will probably not realize but this movie is 100% true to the source materials, i.e the Poetic Edda, the Icelandic sagas, ancient Norse heroic legends etc, stories and texts that were written down from the 12th century and to the end of the middle ages (mostly in Iceland). Any professor or someone who had done his research into the culture and life back then, would be impressed with the way the director handled every small detail to make it accurate.
The movie also does not exaggerate anything or make up things that didn´t happen in a viking/farmer family´s daily life. If you read the original sources that inspired The Northman, or scholarly texts about Norse middle-ages history, then you would know that the director could have taken things a lot further (with the drama, the travels, the blood-shed, the love story etc etc). But I for one am glad he didn´t and that he kept things simple. It was so nice to see references to little things from the mythology and heroic poetry, things that you really have to know about to figure out. There were endless easter eggs for those of us who are used to hearing these ancient tales. The cute animals also played a massive symbolic role, and it all fit so well together and it literally gave me chills.
This is our Scandinavian and Germanic cultural heritage coming alive on screen in all it´s truth and glory. It blew my mind to see it. I was just expecting some viking stuff, a lot of gore and maybe something a bit woke, but what I got was anything but. It was not even that violent, compared to some of the Sagas... I can´t wait to watch it again, this time with my family of all ages.
I am a christian but I lived to see all the sorcerers and the paganism in this movie, especially since nothing was made up. The Northman is probably the most historically accurate movie I have ever seen, and I don´t think anyone could claim that something in it was made up (although the dramatic burial scene is from another viking culture - things were probably never so grand in Iceland).
The mysticism and the supernatural elements were masterfully woven into a basic story of a family, revenge, hatred and love. I thought it was beautiful. (I got a little teary during the good-bye sceen on the boat).
But if you still don´t like any of it, fair enough. We all have our own, unique taste. I am just happy to finally see a movie that felt specifically made for me.
Missing Twin (2021)
Stinker even by Lifetime standards.
I love lifetime thrillers even though they usually have bad actors, ridiculous scripts and the same storylines over and over again. However, this movie takes all those ingredients to such extremes that it stops being funny. Every single sentence that is spoken by the characters is annoying and/or stupid. And it´s also quite boring for the first hour. All the characters are beyond ridiculous, but I guess if you watch the last half hour as a comedy, it could be fun. Maybe it was supposed to be a joke? The ending seems to suggest it.
The Tomorrow War (2021)
Ludicrous cringe from start to finish.
I watched this movie basically to see if it was really as terrible as it sounded from the description I had gotten from friends. And the answer is yes, a hundred times yes. It could possibly have been okay if things had made sense, like if they didn´t have tiny women in charge of everything in the military, holding guns that they wouldn´t be able to carry in real life etc. But that was only the start of things not making sense (I´m not talking about aliens and time travel, I would totally suspend my disbelief for those things). People might not understand what I´m talking about but everyone who has been red-pilled in any way will know what I´m saying... The only positive thing about the movie is that Chris Pratt is a very handsome actor.
I Care a Lot (2020)
Brilliant at the start, horrible trash at the end.
Let me start off by saying: I hate this movie almost as much as everyone else.
However, it wasn´t boring. The actors are in the range from being good to amazing. The characters are very unusual and interesting and full of promise. I happen to love seeing evil characters go about their business, so lang as their actions make some sense or if justice comes for them in the end. I liked seeing how the system ranging from judges, doctors and those responsible for the most vulnerable among us can be corrupt to the core, full of idiots and sociopaths. A cold chill went down my spine when the guardian was dismantling the life of the cool & happy old lady.
These are the good elements that this movie started off with. It was turned up to 11 and I was enjoying it and getting ready for a baddie-takedown like nothing I had ever seen before. It would be easy, right? Wrong! We the audience are forced to watch in suffering, anxiously waiting for the disgusting main character to get her just desserts, but she gets off and kind of gets a... hero edit? What in the world. Her only "suffering" is getting shot in the heart and dying kind of suddenly in the arms of her loving (and equally vile and evil) girlfriend. She deserved so much more.
I was amazed with the fact that a real scumbag human trafficker is by far the most likeable action character in the whole movie, and I had no difficulty with suspending my own morals and rooting for him and his stupid looking and incompetent gang. I had such high hopes for them. But.
There is a point in the movie when it becomes obvious that Marla (the hideously evil "guardian") is not going to suffer. Neither are her willing and unwitting accomplishes. The russian mafia isn´t going to slowly torture them to death (which would have been too good for Marla really). I was clinging to the hope that maybe the old lady would take her down, but I knew at that point that it would be too far-fetched... yet, the ending and what actually happened with the "partnership" was even more far-fetched.
No movie has ever annoyed me this much, I have to say.
The Stand (2020)
way off
I have just started watching this and I cant get over the casting. Seriously, why did they have to pick Whoopi to play Mother Abigail? She comes with major baggage and it´s impossible to imagine her as someone good. It´s actually laughable to see her in that role tbh. Then there are Harold and Frannie. In the original The Stand tv adaptation, Frannie was a sweet, intelligent girl who was creeped out by Harold and you could sort of get it, he looked normal but was not. Here, Frannie (or the actress playing her rather) just seems so mean and lacks all charisma. All. She has zero likability. If she ends up with Stu then this is not a world worth saving or a battle worth having. Harold on the other hand has some charm and the actor is good. They keep trying to make him seem weird but he just looks so sweet and innocent. So I´m team Harold all the way (even if he turns evil) but not excited to see if they actually change the story enough to make him a part of the good team. That would be interesting. I doubt that I will have the patience to watch this to the end, well, maybe I will, for the lolz.
Taken: The Search for Sophie Parker (2013)
When the hero is a bigger creep than literal kidnappers!
This movie was so stupid and delusional that it´s hard to put it into words. Let me try to explain it like this: Picture if you would find out that your daughter has been kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery by a russian mob, do you stay super chilled? Do you sensually flirt with literally everyone from the jump? Do you keep laughing and smiling with your eyes and yes, flirt some more? If yes, you will find the acting in this movie (and the script) very believable. If not, then watching this could be difficult. I was so creep´d out by every single line and face expression delivered by the cop-mom, it was disgusting and unlike anything I´ve ever seen before. And the ambassador dad was chilled and weirdly unaffected by his daughter´s disappearance too (but he was a secondary character so it didn´t really matter). The action and silly feminist agenda was a minor irritation compared all the huge problems the mom character had going on. I don´t know if I should blame the terrible actress or the terrible script more, but as it stands I can only give this movie zero stars.
Dance Night Obsession (2019)
A deadly cringe
I want to chime in as another lifetime fan who enjoys their silly thrillers, even though they´re sometimes badly acted and stupid. However, in this case, nothing works out. Literally nothing. The star of the movie is such a bad actress but even worse, she doesn´t look like a dancer, she´s overweight and not attractive. She´s just not believable as a dancer at all. Then when she´s acting it gets even worse. Some people here were commenting on the age difference between the couple, her and some Antonio jr, and I seriously thought she was the older one. He´s way out of her league (not that it makes him that great either). The only reason to finish this movie is to test your limits for awfulness.
Wrongfully Accused (2019)
It delivers what you should want and expect.
I´m giving this 5 stars because I find it underrated, however, it´s only because it´s so bad it´s great! I got thrills from the bad writing and chills from the bad acting. Someone went above and beyond to make this movie absolutely ridiculous (but everyone looks beautiful and the lighting and camera work is top notch). It´s about a woman who gets accused, arrested and prosecuted for killing her husband without any evidence, motive or investigation. And she´s supposed to be a former attorney/d.a who hasn´t worked in 10 years (Annalynne looks much too young for this to be possible) and has forgotten, along with all the other characters in the movie, how the law regarding everything works. It´s all pretty funny but it´s also scary if the people who made it were trying to be serious. But for the lifetime fan who knows all the cliches and expects to be entertained by something other than great and thrilling film-making, this is the perfect little gem. The ending (or last half hour more like) will make you cringe beyond anything you could imagine (don´t judge, some of us are into that).