crooked_spoons Reviews

You Get Me (2017)

Swinfan did it better - though not by much.

[2/10 · 5 July 2017]

Every frame of this movie was cliché and predictable, and I mean that. Not one time was I surprised by anything that happened. It was a chore to watch and a painful one at that. If you've seen Swimfan then you have literally seen this movie before, right down to the final scenes. And this movie makes THAT one seem like a masterpiece.

Dry acting, terrible dialog, zero chemistry between any of the characters and an overdone plot. Why would anyone finance this, let alone film and market it?

A goofy protagonist who does the exact opposite of what he should do at every turn, a bland love interest and a faux sexy tryhard of a "seductress" do not make for a good cast, nor interesting characters.

The worst part is, they didn't even bother to at least make the movie FUN. It was void of a single shred of humor or levity. How can a movie this trite have the gall to take itself seriously??

This really was a terrible movie all around. I can't even see this being enjoyable for the teens and tweens out for summer break. Avoid at all costs. Show Netflix that they need to invest more wisely with regard to the projects they produce (or purchase).

Gypsy (2017)

A cliché "psychological thriller" that's neither psychological nor thrilling.

[5/10 · 2 July 2017]

TL;DR: The only real reason I continued to watch until the end is because I hoped there would be some sort of closure. There wasn't. Avoid this like the plague.

In a nutshell, Gypsy is the story of Jean Halloway, a clinical therapist, wife and mother who is apparently bored with her suburban home life for reasons the show doesn't really bother to explain.

We're meant to understand that she is a "free spirit" who is "wild" and feels trapped and desperate now that she's been "tamed" by marriage and family. We're meant to sympathize with her and see all her irrational actions as desperation to break free.

The problem is, we're never SHOWN this supposedly free spirited side of Jean. We're given nothing to work with. From the beginning all we're shown is a manipulative woman, unethical clinician, unfaithful wife and emotionally absent mother.

We are never given a clear reason as to why Jean decides to invade her patient's privacy and toy with their personal and romantic lives in the way she does. At no point does the show even remotely attempt to help the audience understand why she chooses to risk her marriage and her career by behaving so unethically and dangerously.

This issue is worsened by the fact that Jean's marriage is shown to be a happy one, to a handsome, powerful attorney who dotes on her. They're shown to have a very active and exciting sex life which Jean seems to enjoy, so her seeking out an affair with the ex-girlfriend of a patient makes even less sense.

The biggest problem is that there seems to be no real payoff in the end, neither for the audience, nor the Jean. She abuses her patient's and her husband's trust, entangles herself in a web of lies seemingly for nothing and in the final scene, not one single thread or storyline is resolved.

Black Mirror: Nosedive (2016) Season 3, Episode 1

Heavy handed moralizing about the ills of social media.

[5/10 · 1 November 2016]

It's more than a little disappointing that Black Mirror decided to "explore" the already overdone and clichéd idea that social media (and its overuse) can have a negative effect on our lives. And did so without a shred of nuance or ingenuity. Within the first 60 seconds I knew exactly what this episode was about and I wasn't optimistic.

Black Mirror, once known for it's surrealistic realism seems to have decided to move in the opposite direction here. In previous seasons there have been plots that - no matter how far-fetched - had moments that made me stop and think "Wow, I could actually see this happening in the not-to-distant future." No such thought ever occurred to me here.

While I "got" what the episode was trying to say or be (namely social commentary on vanity and how online personas can spill over into real life) the way it was done was so over the top that I can't see how anyone would take away any sort of "message" from this. The overly-fake sing-songy voices characters used to speak to one another, the blatant painted smiles and disingenuous way people interacted was a little too unrealistic.

The writers appeared to be trying to hold up a mirror to the social media and image obsessed among us, but failed to use the right kind. Instead it was like some of bloated, distorted and only vaguely familiar image like one you'd see in a funhouse.

And lastly, there were so many reasons why a real-time human rating's system wouldn't work, least of all in the way this episode portrayed that it makes it completely impossible to suspend your disbelief long enough for the story to unfold.

All in all, 5/10 and that's REALLY being generous.

Let's hope the name of this episode doesn't foreshadow the quality of the rest of this season.

Black Mirror: Playtest (2016) Season 3, Episode 2

Closer to a low-budget horror flick than the Black Mirror I've come to love

[5/10 · 1 November 2016]

What a disappointing episode. Jump scares, a "creepy old house", clichéd plot twists and 'scary' creatures made this feel cheap and uninspired. The concept of VR was merely a plot device thrown in to keep up the "dangers of modern technology" theme that's been this show's bread and butter from day one. Not only was the tech never explained, even if it had been it was still fairly meaningless. You could've replaced 'video game' with 'drug clinical trial' and just about every single thing about the episode could have remained the same.

That aside, the tremendously annoying protagonist made this episode incredibly difficult to watch, let alone enjoy. The loud, obnoxious American trope has been done to death but here it was even more ham-handed and unnecessary. Still, there were times I couldn't tell if I found Cooper's character so annoying because that's strictly the way he was written or if Wyatt Russell simply can't act. As of now I think it was a little bit of both.

All in all, this was a very, very poor episode and between this and 'Nosedive' I'm almost afraid to finish the season. So far this show is feeling like a shell of it's former self, riding the wave of critical acclaim from better episodes of years past.

Gossip Girl: New York, I Love You XOXO (2012) Season 6, Episode 10

Fitting End

[8/10 · 18 October 2013]

I have seen, and been greatly disappointed by many series finales yet my first thought when the final credits rolled was "flawless". The writers pulled off this conclusion flawlessly. OK well, maybe is wasn't "perfect" per se (few finales are) but it ended in such a way that I certainly didn't feel like I'd wasted years of my life following a show with no pay off in the end. Everything seemed pretty logical and true to form as far as the characters are concerned.

While I wasn't exactly blown away by the big reveal of Gossip Girl's true identity I won't lie and say I "totally saw it coming" either. I'm glad it turned out to be who it was and the Kristen Bell cameo was very well done. I liked the brief flash-forward at the end as well and I liked seeing where certain characters ended up. All in all, I'm quite pleased and more than happy to give this a very high rating.

House of Cards (2013–2018)

How can anything be this good?

[8/10 · 12 February 2013]

This striking political drama caught me so wholly by surprise that I'm so stunned I probably shouldn't even be writing this review given how utterly speechless I am. Lured in by its dark, fast paced promo and talented cast I decided to give this show a chance. I was sucked in, in the first twenty minutes.

This Netflix series is in its infancy, yet already rivals any number of the most critically acclaimed programs from top networks like HBO and Showtime of the past five years. The acting, top notch, the plot lines, engaging and the dialogue quick and entertaining. Kevin Spacey plays Congressman and House Majority Whip Francis "Frank" Underwood, the show's devious protagonist and it is in this role that all his acclaim and various accolades are proved to be completely deserved. You like him, though you don't want to and probably shouldn't, which in my opinion is the best kind of lead character there is.

Robin Wright plays Claire Underwood, the equally devious, out-spoken yet regal, poised wife of Underwood; though she is far from the quiet, "woman-behind-the-man" one would expect of a politician's wife. Together the Underwood's scheme to maintain and eventually increase their already powerful status.

Kate Mara plays a young rookie journalist for a local newspaper but it quickly becomes clear that her character has far more to her than beyond merely being the young, attractive female political correspondent eye candy.

I've already seen every episode and cannot wait for more. In a nutshell, House of Cards is all the deliciousness of dirty politics without the trite clichés. Well done Netflix, well done.

The Good Wife (2009–2016)

Pleasantly Misleading Title.

[8/10 · 11 November 2011]

My mother first told me about this show sometime in the spring of 2010 but I politely declined – the title alone made me leery – her tastes and mine tend to differ greatly. I like Sons of Anarchy, Dexter, Boardwalk Empire. I'm a rough and tumble kind of girl and I like my drama with a side of blood and chaos; what is this "Good Wife" she kept talking about and why would I care? Finally I caved in just as the season 2 DVDs were coming out. I snagged a copy of season 1 for cheap and gave it a shot. I'm not actually sure at which episode it happened but soon enough I was hooked.

As the slogan says "Don't let the name fool you!" I feel it's somehow disrespectful to call this show a soap opera but it offers up enough courtroom shockers, relationship drama and secrets to earn the title. And yet, it never once condescends to the audience. The characters, though not exactly "everyday people" feel genuine. The infamous law firm filled with slick, well paid, high powered attorneys, the scorned wife of a corrupt politician, hell the politician himself…these are hardly people many of us can relate to but this show somehow makes them not seem so like outrageous characters. Even the political sex scandal angle feels relatable. Maybe that's because we've seen so much of them in recent years? Superb acting, succinct, eloquent writing, excitement … all the things that really bring this show together. While these past few years have been seen some of the best drama in the history of television come to the small screen there are still only a handful of shows that I enjoy to this extent, and that make me feel so connected to the characters that I feel, really FEEL for them and am not just watching for the sake of disconnected entertainment.

Alicia Florrick is our heroine, but she's not put on a pedestal, nor is she on some kind of legal crusade, and despite her mocking nickname, she is no 'Saint Alicia'. She's not perfect, doesn't always make the right decisions and has regrets about her past but she's just trying to live her life, one day at a time.

I must say, I was more than pleasantly surprised and it's one of the few shows I make a conscious effort to watch the very moment it airs, no DVR, no online streaming, I'm there, Sunday nights, sometimes with glass of wine in hand, right in front of the TV watching with rapt attention.

Winter's Bone (2010)

A long meandering tale that goes absolutely nowhere.

[6/10 · 26 September 2011]

I, like many others, saw Winter's Bone amidst a whirlwind of deafening Oscar buzz. Every where you turned critics were falling all over themselves to praise this movie. Open up a news paper or turn on the TV and your favorite reviewer was practically wetting themselves in either anticipation or admiration of this movie. Favorite critical catchwords like 'haunting', 'heartbreaking' and 'gripping' were being thrown around like confetti at the Rose Parade. Like a sucker, I bought it.

Winter's Bone is nothing more than a formulaic indie tale that plods along at a snail's pace with a pretty but humble lead actress, one of many in a burgeoning genre of literature and film affectionately called 'Country Noir'. Like so many indie's, it relied too heavily on slow pacing, authentic regional dialect and "characters". We were thrown into the middle of a story and expected to watch and care with rapt attention, overwhelmed by the gritty realism and the plight of the people involved.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel authentic as hell. The director certainly did her job choosing a good cast and the writers thankfully didn't opt to throw it every Appalachian stereotype in the book.

Meanwhile, as the movie was busy doing such a great job of engrossing the audience with settings and authentic feeling characters, it was failing on film's most basic level — possessing a compelling plot. This was one of those movies that keep you on the edge of your seat, not because it's all that interesting, but because you're half about to walk out and half glued to your chair, waiting for a point to present itself. Never have I ever left a theatre more stunned and disappointed. There was very little suspense and zero character development.

I will not say that Miss Lawrence isn't a qualified actress, or that her Oscar nod was undeserved for the masses seem to think she's a rare gem. I will agree that she is a good actress but I refuse to call her performance phenomenal nor her acting skills tremendous or well cultivated, mainly because her role as Ree didn't exactly call for the performance of a lifetime. She's a pretty blonde in a long line of pretty blonde actresses who played a 'tough cookie' and dressed herself down a little.

Simply put, I didn't like it and despite the cliché, it's one of those movies where I am deign to say it was, yes, overrated.

Twin Peaks (1990–1991)

Hardly the sensation I was expecting.

[6/10 · 7 July 2011]

I started watching AMC's 'The Killing' recently and everywhere I look I saw comparisons or mentions of Twin Peaks at some point in the conversation. I'd heard about it for years but as I was just a small child when it first aired, I hadn't known much about it first hand. Though I was wary at first -- I knew this was a David Lynch project and quite frankly I don't like his style -- I'd heard so many good things I just couldn't resist delving into this 'cult hit'.

I decided to grab a copy of season one and season two expecting to be utterly blown away as I was repeatedly assured I would be. Taking into account that this was A) produced between the late 80s to early 90s and B) David Lynch's brainchild, I gave this show a lot of wiggle room. But all the leeway in the world couldn't help this show. I sat down to the first season wondering when I was going to start caring about any of the main characters and when it would stop playing out like a corny soap opera.

I did my best not to spoil myself so I was naive some of the most pertinent elements of the show; I had no idea this show would go from a murder mystery to some kind of supernatural-science fiction cluster f. It was a hodgepodge of "acid trippy" dream sequences, sappy love scenes and triangles and bad acting from the actress who the show basically revolved around. I also thought that while very handsome and likely due to his character, Kyle MacLachlan's stiff acting and humorless delivery was awkward and very stilted and uncomfortable. Almost as if he was forced into the role. I really hated the utter goofiness of some of the scenes that were supposed to be comical.

I gave this show a 6/10 strictly for the final episode's 'Black Lodge' sequences because though I don't like David Lynch's style and think he does weird for the sake of weirdness, I thought it was really well done. But even that couldn't save this show in my opinion. It was plain ridiculous and makes me wary of watching any more of these so-called "classics" in the future.

I don't want to spoil much but the show was already bad, but midway though season two it became almost unwatchable.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

What A Ride!

[8/10 · 2 July 2011]

I'm terribly late to the "Pirates" franchise but I'm glad I finally came around. Action/fantasy was never really my thing but boy am I glad my nephew forced me watch it now.

This movie, (the series actually) is a fantastic escape from reality. Action, adventure and of course, pirates! From beginning to end, the script kept me engaged, the effects wowed me and the score knocked me off my feet and this was one of those rare movies where I was literally on the edge of my seat, cheering at some bits, covering my eyes in horror at others and I think even a scream or two escaped from my lips.

Not much else needs to be said but I felt it couldn't hurt to add my two cents. This is one of those movies that a lot of people stay away from because it doesn't seem like their "thing" but I can assure you that as someone who enjoys indies, dramas and foreign films, I actually had a really great time watching this.

Jersey Shore (2009–2012)

Lets not pretend Reality TV is something it's not...

[8/10 · 7 September 2010]

Jersey Shore...what can I say? It's a reality show similar to "The Real World" or "Big Brother" where cast members live in a house together for several weeks amidst cameras and knowing full well they have an audience well into the millions. I suppose MTV has offered up a small twist: These aren't just regular people plucked from all across the United States and thrown into a house together. They're eight "Guidos" and "Guidettes" from the New York Tri-State area. Mostly, partially or wholly Italian and very much into themselves, their tans and their hair. They're superficial, they go out, party every night, get drunk and get into fights at bars and clubs with strangers and get into fights at home amongst each other.

Is it a show with substance? No. Does it have anything new to say? Not really. Is it funny as hell and entertaining? YES! And that's all I ask. Jersey Shore is the first and ONLY reality show I have ever watched and ever plan to watch. For some reason I was drawn in almost immediately and now it's like an addiction, I can't stop watching.

Some people will criticize it for being "reality trash" but what reality show isn't? I find it the most entertaining thing MTV has to offer as of late. Much like Tiramisu or fried chicken: it might be bad for you but it sure is good.

The Station Agent (2003)

Beautiful Movie, a Rare Gem

[8/10 · 6 June 2010]

I went into this movie having no expectations. I was a virgin of sorts. I had only seen a single still of this movie which was a picture of Peter Dinklage walking along the train tacks. I expected neither good nor bad because I had no idea what it was about.

That said, I thoroughly enjoyed this gem of a movie. It was simple and quite unique. This film aspired to accomplish a sweet simplicity and it did. It neither tried to confound or confuse the viewer nor did it have puzzles and riddles for the viewer to decipher *after* initial viewing. I only wish it lasted longer. The characters were well acted with a subtlety that eludes so many others. I could watch each of these characters going about their lives for hours. I could watch this movie all day--over and over again.

There are no overtures or illusions and the sweetness isn't saccharine to the point where it's too sugary to swallow or piled on in order to force the viewer to love it. This is a genuinely good movie with heart that demonstrates actors and a director in complete command of their respective crafts. The perfect movie for a Sunday afternoon.

The Road (I) (2009)

A Mapless Journey Down a Long, Lonely Road...

[4/10 · 14 February 2010]

Before I begin, I feel I must say that I did in fact read the book before one set of this movie was built, so this review isn't coming from some angry idiot who merely jumped into this expecting a full-throttle action packed apocalypto thriller. And it has to be said, I didn't dislike this movie because I just "didn't get it" because I didn't care for the book either and it's hard to believe that I simply misunderstood a story translated into two different mediums, both times.

This directionless movie insists up itself so much that it's hard to find a discernible plot or point other than McCarthy's immense fear of his own mortality. As well as his own suffocating love for his youngest son in real life. You're beaten over the head with how much The Man loves The Boy to the point that you just don't care any more. And then you ask yourself, if this man truly loves his son so much, why not just put him out of his misery? Why prolong his suffering and his inevitable, early death? Wouldn't any parent who loves their child do anything to prevent their child from the horrors of a 'dying earth?'

I honestly can't understand where all this praise is coming from. I've heard people use terms like "enthralling, incredible, awestruck, heartbreaking" etc. My only question is, 'What are you smoking...and where can I get some?" The Road is about as bleak and desolate as an abandoned highway, and about as interesting as one too. Nothing of note happens, not once. I didn't care about any of the characters. McCarthy never tells us what this cataclysm was, what will happen or why. We don't even get hints. Someone earlier told me that even if I didn't like it, it probably at the very least changed the way I think. Think about what? Long, drawn out, solemn, "contemplative" movies? Or life altogether? Although I can say one thing, after seeing this, I was depressed for weeks. So there was a change in my mood for sure.

Again, we're never told what this "event" was so what we're left with is a story about a boy and his father. And that's it. But then, why in a post-apocalyptic world? This could've happened anywhere. Why not have them get stuck in the wilderness, or on an island after a plane crash? I suppose to enjoy this movie, you have to be satisfied with the father/son storyline with little concern for the "How did we get here?" But then, the whole concept is still just as contrived and unbelievable as anything ever was because then all the plot boils down to is bleak, emptiness devoid without reason. A man cared for his son - what else is new? He didn't do anything more than any dad would do - what's so special about that? I've also been told that to really understand it, you have to have children. I call bs on both excuses, that's the same as saying you can't enjoy/understand "Schindler's List" unless you're Jewish. Simply untrue.

Perhaps it's my already overly pessimistic outlook on life, however there was no reason to keep going, 'The Man' already called it a "dying earth." I'm sorry but, 'carrying the fire inside you' is just not enough motivation for me, nor is it enough to make me believe that a man would subject the child he so dearly loves (or himself for that matter) to all that horror instead of ending their lives.

This movie makes no sense whatsoever and absolutely should not have been made. For so very many reasons, but at least stay away from it for its disingenuous, implausible Deus Ex Machina ending.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

Breslin Beams Though Sunshine Sets...

[5/10 · 6 February 2010]

I gave this movie a 5/10 because I actually like Abagail Breslin, not so much in this, but she's a good little actress. Now, that being said:

This was quite possibly one of the most useless films ever put to celluloid this decade.

Easily one of the least enjoyable films I've ever seen. The basic premise of LMS is: family goes on road trip so homely daughter can compete in a beauty pageant which she will probably never win. The fact that Olive (Breslin) isn't beauty pageant material never crosses their minds and no one, but the father suspects as much (and even then, states his opinion so harshly that you can't even sympathize with him). *sigh* Lest we not forget the ridiculous, contrived and unfunny ending.

For months I heard the hype surrounding this movie, people were ranting and raving about this like it was the funniest thing they've seen in decades--some even claimed as much. My own mother told me she "lmao'd" (so-to-speak) throughout. Surely this has to be good...right? Yes, of course, that many people can't possibly be wrong. So, finally, after little deliberation, I sat down to watch this.

Disappointed is not the word I'd use because it doesn't properly convey what I felt. I actually almost felt angry, betrayed, lied to even. I don't think in the whole two or so hours I laughed more than once, and even then it was more of a "Oh..ha, OK, that was kind of funny," not the belly-aching, pants-wetting hysterical laughter others say they experienced. It was just plain bad. This movie had not a single redeeming quality or character (except maybe Daniel Plano). And it's not that I didn't "get" it (I hate when people use that term), and no I would not like to go watch a Transformer or some other Michael Bay or a Tarantino film OR 27 Dresses instead. I'm not some brainless "blowy-uppy" shoot em up or sappy love story type girl. I like comedies, and am a huge fan of indies, however this was neither funny, nor original nor entertaining.

Save your money on the DVD and skip the cable showings. You'll thank me later.

21 Grams (2003)

A Choppy, Disjointed, Tangled Mess.

[5/10 · 4 February 2010]

21 Grams should've been good. It follows that 'gritty' vignette-type formula that has worked so well in the past. It has all the elements of a good story, especially the type of story so many intellectual types are into these days. The eclectic music, the slam against religion, long silences etc. Sadly, it falls short in just about every way imaginable.

Nonlinear story telling only works if there's an actual story to tell. Sadly, aside from some shouting, quite a few tears and forlorn glances this movie had absolutely nothing to say. The acting was neither bad nor good, or maybe the characters we just so unlikeable that I didn't bother to really examine their ability. Del Toro gave a pretty good performance though, however his actions/past was never really explained so I couldn't really tell if, at times, he was overacting, underacting or spot on. And there was quite a good deal of mumbling or jumbled lines that forced me to rewind, and even after several viewings, some of the dialogue was utterly lost on me.

Things that maybe would've shocked you are given away early on, thus leaving no element of surprise or feeling of epiphany in the end. The wheezing man walking through the desert...you already know what's going to happen, and you can pretty much guess why. The crying woman...again, no surprise.

21 Grams seems to at one point actually HAD a point, but in the end, it loses steam and eventually sputtered out into a disjointed mesh of nonsense.

The Lovely Bones (2009)

The Salmon Girl Swims, Lovely Bones Flounders

[5/10 · 2 February 2010]

I saw the trailer for The Lovely Bones and Alice in Wonderland at Comic-Con last year. While unimpressed by "Wonderland" I was excited, hyped and unbelievably ecstatic for "Bones". The trailer, set to the Cocteau Twins' "Alice" was picturesque, and imaginative. I couldn't wait for the release.

In the end the CGI was overdone and sugary, but that was expected. Though to be fair, in the beginning, it was beautiful. When Susie first experiences "her heaven" I cried, it was so beautiful it was overwhelming. I think I had a brief glimpse of what Stendhal Syndrome (look it up) must feel like. And yet, forty minutes later, the magic wore off and I was bored of it.

The acting was superior, especially by Saoirse Ronan and a few particularly heartbreaking scenes with Rachel Weisz and Mark Wahlberg but for the most part, the rest of the characters had no depth and no motivation. While well acted, they were certainly poorly written. The only redeeming part about this movie is Ms. Ronan's superb acting, and ability to become a character. I was so enamoured with her character, her role in Atonement never even crossed my mind.

However, while Stanly Tucci has been lauded and smothered in praise, I saw nothing in his character that couldn't have been done by a half dozen other actors. While the things he did were creepy and chilling, his acting, while on point, wasn't anything to write home about. His role left absolutely no lasting impression on me. He had a few lines, but other than the implied creep factor, what did he do? What was his motivation? I guess we'll never know.

I was under the impression that this was going to be part drama, part thriller, and yet, I was wrong. Nothing thrilling nor dramatic happened other than a few pivotal scenes that eventually sputtered and went no where. For some reason, at some point, the Salmon family just gave up with no explanation at all.

The Lovely Bones should've been great, it should have been more than that, it should've been breathtaking but in the end, it was so/so at best.

The in Crowd (2000)

A Guilty Pleasure

[7/10 · 18 January 2010]

The In Crowd is your basic teen thriller with lots of trashy girls and bad lines & acting and a mediocre script, but it was tolerable. Actually, it was more than tolerable, it was actually fairly good, not the acting, by any stretch of the imagination, but it served its purpose. In my opinion, it's a great movie to watch on a slow/rainy weekend evening. I went into this film with little to no expectations and ended up being pleasantly surprised. I was sure by the reviews that it would be terrible, instead I found myself thoroughly satisfied. While TIC is no "Cruel Intentions", it's of the same genre. Spoiled rich kids, doing bad things to each other and sucking in the lowly outsider in the process.

"In Crowd" has the same atmosphere and draw as any soap opera today, but the cheesy drama of soaps seems to translate well to a certain niche, but it DOES have a niche. Expect nothing more than a two hour version of "All My Children" and you won't end this film angry. I say give it a chance. If anything it'll end up on your guilty pleasures list.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Highs & Lows With Untimately...no payoff.

[4/10 · 29 December 2009]

What can I say? Where do I begin? Well, for starters, this has got to be one of the most beautiful films I've seen in a long time. The cinematography is amazing, the score is fitting, and the realistic depiction of the "dark side of Paris" is stunning and visually flawless. And that's about it.

I went into this movie a virgin, totally naïve of the plot, characters; setting etc…I hadn't even seen so much as a trailer or a poster. That being said, I had no preconceived notions of what "Perfume" was supposed to be about so I wasn't disappointed or "let down" because I was expecting something else. I expected nothing; sadly, this film gave me even less.

The main character is as sympathetic as a dead house fly and the personality of a wet blanket. He floats through life with this "gift", this *urge* he only on rare occasions is allowed to satiate. He is uneducated and knows very little about life outside the workhouse/orphanage or leather tannery which he's grown up. He seems naïve, he IS naïve, he has a wide-eyed, boyish charm about him. From his birth, he was treated like trash, bio-waste unworthy of affection and only of use if he can fetch a good price. He's beaten and broken and yet, he never argues or complains. Instantly, you want to love him.

But then…he sees a woman—or rather, he *smells* a woman. Then, he kills a woman—though it is by accident, an accident which one feels a deep sadness because you just know he feels horrible about. You're suddenly reminded of Lenny in Of Mice and Men, poor stupid Lenny. He just wanted to pet her. Boy do you feel sorry for him…for about two seconds. And then, he rips open his victims bodice and proceeds to expose her breasts so he can better smell her fully. Because that's his thing…scents. She had a scent and he wanted to remember it.

And then, he goes to the small Persian village of "Grasse". He kills a prostitute to capture her scent…he kills another, and then another, a pair of sisters, and about seven others, then another and it goes on and on and ON, capturing their unique scents by killing them, making a paste of animal fat and cutting their hair, then finally dumping them wherever he pleases. The boy who was once naïve and wide-eyed is now this cunning, serial killing, beast with a god complex who's somehow able to concoct the perfect fragrance to make people love him.

It is at this point, after an hour and twenty minutes of slow pacing and uninteresting dialogue the story picks up. The string of dead, pretty young virgins piling up and the ever increasing death tolls rising… the ensuing panic had me on the edge of my seat. Then he begins "the chase"—the pursuit of his "Holy Grail" shall we say, prettiest, youngest virgin in the town. A beautiful redhead named Laura, whose scent/essence will complete his "collection". And then…he kills her, in the most anticlimactic way a character has been killed since Llewellyn Moss in No Country For Old Men.

By the second kill, you realize, he's not this sympathetic young boy, he's a cold blooded, disgusting monster, with not a single redeeming quality. And yes, that's pretty much it. All that sympathy you had was wasted because in the end, he was a vile, odious creature.

The book may have been good, hell, it may have even been great, but what this movie translated into was a horrendously steaming pile, which should have been left on paper. The only sympathetic person in this whole film was Alan Rickman…not his character, just him—because I honestly wondered if times were so rough for him that he'd been reduced to doing such utter garbage. I wonder does he gamble a lot? I could loan you some money Alan…all you had to do was ask.

A complex serial killer is always a fascinating tale (or so I thought) but honestly…it's really better if we left things up to Dexter.

The Pianist (2002)

Nothing New, Nothing Different...Nothing At All...

[4/10 · 18 December 2009]

Sadly, The Pianist disappointed me in more ways than one. Adrian Brody did nothing worthwhile, other than save his own skin—and there's nothing wrong with that, I'm sure thousands of Jews did the same. The problem is, I don't care about them either. The Holocaust was a horrible, atrocious, sickening series of events which left millions dead, wounded and mentally scarred. We know this, and I don't mean to brush off anything or downplay the gravity of what occurred, but I've seen it all before.

There was some senseless killing of Jews, more senseless killing of Jews, liquidation and a salvation. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm sadly reminded that if an event is horrible enough, people will continue to laud and applaud movies made about it even if they have nothing new to say.

Call Brody's acting whatever lovely adjectives you want (minimalist, subdued, etc…) but to me, it was bland and forgettable. Don't get me wrong, I think Brody is a tremendous actor, but in THIS movie, I didn't see a man who was scared, nor determined to fight for his life or to see things through, instead, I saw a man who was just going through the motions, "whatever happens, happens" in a way. He was neither brave nor memorable and certainly not relatable.

I didn't care about him, his family and in the end, none of the characters. And I didn't feel even the slightest hint of emotion. The only time I was even remotely roused was when Halina (I think her name was Halina) was reunited with the family after the second liquidation of the ghetto.

In the end, Pianist gives little more than a tired rehash of the same old same old. Things were bad…I know! But if you're going to make yet another Holocaust film, at least do it right, make it interesting, make it meaningful, make it SAY something. This said nothing more than, "Look how bad things were." In the end, his ability to play the piano saved his life, in a way, or it was merely a weary Nazi officer who showed him mercy.

If you want to see a real holocaust movie, one need only turn to Schindler's List. I felt, I mean *really* felt, the characters pain and emotional conflict. The book was incredible as well. It was well made and had an actual plot. Not just a broad story arc where nothing other than the "usual" happened.

-Just because it's a Holocaust film, doesn't automatically make it good.

Street Kings (2008)

Internal Affairs meets Training Day

[8/10 · 17 December 2009]

Street Kings is a luscious mix of some of the better films of corruption and power set in Los Angeles. The loose cannon cop with loyalties to all the wrong people, the rookie, and the veteran cop whose life is driven by greed, lust for power and fortune. Sure, you could call it the "same old, same old" but that's until you see it. It has the Internal Affairs angle of corruption and the Training Day look. Especially with the heavy handed gangland style shootouts and the gritty street feel.

Keanu Reeves plays the role of Det. Ludlow, an "enforcer"/loose cannon cop with a drinking problem and a vendetta, very well. His job is to go in and "take care of things" so-to-speak. Be it trapping and killing the bad guys, or seeking revenge for his ex-partners vicious murder. He trusts his "brothers" and believes in what he does—no matter how bloody he gets in the process. Reeves plays it with just the right amount of weariness and naiveté to make it believable.

Forest Whitaker's overacting at times is the only thing that was a little off-putting, however, his acting was on par with his role and it made sense. However Hugh Laurie does an excellent job as Captain Briggs, a power player in the LAPD who's just on the edge of entanglement in a conspiracy of murder, money and power. Terry Crews, John Corbet, Jay Mohr, Common and Amaury Nolasco do a fine job of making me loathe them as dirty cops in a department full of dirty cops.

I'd like to add that in my opinion, Common's acting is probably some of the finest you'll ever see in a rapper turned actor for a very long time. He plays the role of a cop gone so deep undercover, he's more criminal than he ever was a cop.

I heard nothing but silence or jeers from the critics about this movie, sadly I listened and for far too long. For nearly a year I missed out on one of the best cop films in the genre. It's a nice little thriller with a good amount of action thrown in. The twists and turns are appropriate and highly believable and as a cop drama, it serves it purpose.

Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids (2004)

A vanity project with Zana Briski holding the mirror

[1/10 · 6 September 2009]

Never has there been a more gross misuse of wording than in the title of this film. This is little more than a showcase of Briski's "forward thinking" self righteous presence and overrated photography. This woman taught a group of children, living in squalor and facing starvation how to use a camera. Yes, a C A M E R A! As if the ability to shoot nice little pictures was going to help them rise above their situation and do better for themselves. Tell me Zana, if one of said children decided to take up such a lovely hobby...how would they get their pictures developed? How would they afford the film? The brothel/prostitution aspect is brought up very little. The very word "Brothel" was probably mentioned all of three times. The film doesn't delve into how the mothers ended up there, assault/battery, child prostitution or anything of substance.

This is about the nice white lady who rolled out of bed one day and decided to showcase her benevolent spirit. But what she gave them was nothing. A useless hobby that was forgotten by the time she boarded her plane back to New York. While she's sipping cocktails somewhere in Midtown Manhattan congratulating herself on her selfless deeds and how she's helped those poor little brown children, a 10yr old girl is probably having her virginity auctioned off to the highest bidder...a 50 yr old man.

True Blood (2008–2014)

Blood, Sex, Vampire Blood...& did I mention sex

[8/10 · 18 July 2009]

"Where do I begin? This show failed to live up to the hype in every way imaginable. There isn't anything about it that makes me want to continue to watch. The characters are neither sympathetic nor interesting, and I couldn't care less if they lived or died. The slow dragging pace of reminds me of a bad Lifetime movie or a bad evening soap opera. The sheer amount of sex is nearly impossible, to fathom in anything outside of an adult film."

That was the beginning of my first comment, I went on to highlight more of the shows faults in somewhat of a rant. I am now going to amend my previous comment.

While the show still fails to deliver what was expecting, after blowing through and entire season in one sitting, I've now realized that the show isn't bad...it's awesomely bad. It's trashy, and witless and often times slow, but because some of the characters and scenarios are so outlandish and unbelievable it's like watching a daytime Soap Opera. And you know what, I kinda like daytime soaps. Sookie Stackhouse has got to be one of the silliest 25 y/o women in the world. A world where vampires are real as the day is long and integrated (and partly accepted) into human society. Friends and family are dying around her and her first instinct is to run straight into the arms of the indirect source of all that pain.

Apparently, in this version of life, your beloved grandmother can die a brutal, senseless death and all that's needed to make everything sunshine and rainbows again is a good lay & thorough suckling at the hands of Vampire Bill. Speaking of which, I like what they've done with his character. While I may be just a silly female blinded by his sheer sexiness, I have to admit, the fact that he can sense when Sookie is in danger and will go to her as soon as time (of day..or should i say evening) permits is almost painfully romantic.

Still, it has a very weak plot (excluding the love story) and you pretty much know that the proverbial hero or heroine will never die, but it *is* a decent show when you're coasting along looking for a way to kill and hour or so.

While I'm not a hardcore fan, as much as I hate to admit it, this show is actually growing on me.

EDIT: This an an amendment to my previous amendment.

I am now a hopelessly enchanted (super)fan. I'm in love with this show. I'm now faithfully waiting for season 3 to start. Somehow I found myself suddenly enthralled. So much so that I bought the entire book series (and am LOVING it). Be careful, there's magic in this show and it's powerful, 'cause I went from hate to love in a matter of months. 8/10

Mental (2009)

NutHOUSE: A lazy ripoff of a better show.

[3/10 · 21 June 2009]

Someone earlier called this show nutHouse & I couldn't agree more. This show is a complete rip-off of House. From the conflicts with the female superior who, even though she may sometimes disagree with him, still lies to cover up his unethical behavior and struggles to make everyone else see what a brilliant doctor he is. To the black, money hungry/power hungry supervisor with a vendetta against said "brilliant" doctor who gets an underling to "snitch" on the brilliant doctor and report on his whereabouts and questionable methods.

Then of course there's the constant misdiagnosis and inevitable cure found at the last minute, of course, by the one and only aforementioned brilliant doctor.

The acting is atrocious! Mental is such a complete rip-off of a better show that it's like watching kids (poorly) acting out an episode of House for a school play. They've even got a lesbian.

Things went from bad to worse so much with the Carridine episode that I am truly sorry that the mans last TV appearance is this POS television show.

Seriously, don't watch this: its about as exciting as an off-OFF Broadway play about people, writing about people, who write about people, who write about plays (confusing I know)!

American Meth (2008 Video)

Sobering...

[8/10 · 31 May 2008]

Unlike any other documentary I have ever seen. American Meth tells the story of just a few of the innumerable victims of methamphetamine. A prisoner, three members of a revolutionary drug treatment program and a family of six as well as various interviews with other young users. This movie provides a heartbreaking look into a drug epidemic that has caught on in plague-like in manner. Children go unloved and uncared for. Family members neglected and naive teens who ignore all the warnings and dive headfirst into a world of shattered dreams and broken teeth because there's "nothing better to do".

I was on the edge of tears throughout most of the interviews of 29 year old James and 26 year old Holly, both meth addicts and parents of four children ranging form age 8 to 2 years old.

The toll crystal meth has taken on rural America is devastating and surreal as American Meth tells. This doc paints a simple and unpleasant picture of the problem, as well as a half dozen solutions.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Excruciating, almost physically painful

[3/10 · 17 May 2008]

I had been waiting for years to watch this film. In nearly every other title I'd researched or discussed "Odyssey" inevitably was referenced in the discussion. Finally, I got it in my head, that I'd pick a Friday night and devote it to this film. I did, and I can only liken the experience sucking on razor blades with a bleach chaser. At times, it was excruciating, almost physically painful to watch. I cried at the end (I'm not kidding) because I had decided that I just couldn't *like* movies. This was supposed to be a classic. I thought "What is *WRONG* with me? What am I missing?" I was extremely disappointed to find that the movie, like others, had set the viewer up for a conflict, that never occurs, which I find extremely disappointing. The cinematography was INCREDIBLE for it's time. But great cinematography does not make up for what this is lacking, which is a point, some detail a reason for its existence. Honestly there is nothing to "get" here.

I didn't mind the Blue Danube waltz, I even ignored the fact that only about 400 words were actually spoken in the films entirety. But it was, as some say, not good, and definitely not great. Actually, it was horrible.

3/10