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The Pope's Exorcist (2023)
Generation Alpha Drivel
Not even Crowe can save this piece of rot ... yet another millennial / Gen Alpha "horror" - MEGAN, The Invisible Man remake - where those generations , Jordan Peele films haven't seen the originals such as The Exorcist ... heaven help us if this is where "horror" is headed (yet we get spectacular films such as (the first 2.only) Halloween films (not "Ends"), the 2 IT films and a few others).
This even went so far as to (poorly) recreate the "spider walk" scene, albeit in the most pathetic way; the "possessed" kid doesn't come close to Regan; and it even attempts elements of Constantine badly.
Pig (2021)
This Little Piggy Cried Wee Wee Wee But Didn't Come Home
What an absolute waste of time. It made no sense at all: I really don't see how IMDB lists it as a "thriller".
Guy gets his truffle pig stolen (to later reveal that he actually doesn't need it to find truffles). Gets "revenge" on a truffle buyer ... by cooking him dinner. Learns that the pig died anyway. Rejects an offer of $25,000,000 in favour of his pig. Goes home to his run-down shack. Spends the entire movie caked in dried blood and smelly clothes. Cooks said meal, whilst in a filthy state, which is totally against what a chef would do. Mouths off about Seattle.
And this trash was actually screened in cinemas across at least the US, thankfully not here.
Proof of Nic Cage "starring" in yet another lame movie -- but billed as "the greatest actor of his generation".
Only watch if you truly want to lose 1 ½ hours of your life.
The Pink Panther (1963)
Didn't Find Anything Funny
Obviously in 1963 people were starving for entertainment, which makes me wonder why even today people consider it a "comedy classic": except for a very few scenes where Peter Sellars is tripping over things (forcibly, not at all "accidentally" as it's the same gag) the film is about his wife cheating with David Niven. Clousseau is barely in the film.
If people want to be "Clousseau purists" then skip to the 2nd movie which has Kato and Chief Inspector Dreyfuss in it (but Sellars was only in 2 or 3 films before they replaced him).
In preference I'd rather watch the 2 Steve Martin films which were so much funnier: if it weren't labelled as "The Pink Panther" then I would presume it to be a typical 1960's film with skiing, champagne, and women wearing fur coats -- all "idyllic high lifestyle" notions of the era, and not a (supposed) comedy.
Shame I can't give ½ a star.
Also another example (which by today's standards would be called "whitewashing") where American or other WHITE people are cast as "Middle Eastern" by putting light brown facepaint, a turban, and a funny pointed beard on ... even the young Princess at the start is clearly Indian or similar -- definitely not Persian.
Steel Country (2018)
Got through 15 minutes then turned it off
Zzzzzzzzzz ... Oh, sorry.
That's just how I found the film: I lasted about 15 minutes and then stopped the movie = I got the gist of the plot but couldn't figure out the main character (my guess is he's a single dad with a daughter who won't show him how to use social media; and his lazy slobby ex somehow can't keep her house clean but has internet access ...).
The writer / director has an obsession with blatantly promoting his favourability for the Trump / Pence administration as is blindingly obvious with numerous shots of billboards garnered towards their election campaign (leading me to believe he's a Trump supporter: and not hiding it)
The Curse of Audrey Earnshaw (2020)
Nonsensical Confusion
This film intrigued me as I thoroughly enjoyed "The Witch" and "The Village" -- both of which (no pun intended) this film tries to borrow from ... it's a typical film where the same person writes, directs, and produces their own movie (which *sounds* good in their head as "that's a movie I'd watch").
The film states that it's (supposedly) set in 1973, but the setting seems 100 years -- though vaguely 17th to 18th centuries, in that they wear outdated clothes, houses hand-built, they use horses with carts (or at least the mum does: presumably everyone else just walks, as we see no other horses.
Sure, there are some "intriguing" aspects of the film, but 99% of it doesn't gel, the plot is overly convoluted, and with both the genuine and "Americanized" Irish accents (there isn't a "subtitles" option) drowned out by overbearing music, you don't have the chance to either follow or understand what's going on with this film.And the 2 elements at the end only add to the "what the?" ideas presented: Audrey gets into a pick-up truck (looking so much too modern for 1973, more 2020), and the pregnant woman gives birth to "something" ... but you don't even get a glance / hint.
Trying tobe but failing considerably -- all with 0% resemblance: The Witch / The Village / Rosemary's Baby
Prisoners (2013)
Amazing performances, dumb ending
I was captivated by the entire film ... but dumbfounded that Jake Gyllenhaal's detective would've walked past, or at least noticed, a sunken wooden board beneath the conspicuous car just "parked" at the aunt's property; and the blatant ineptitude of the attending officers (stood not even 2 metres away):
Officers: "There's nothing more we can do because it's raining, we'll come back tomorrow"
If Gylenhaal's character was "so" concerned about Jackman then he'd have continued the search -- in reality something police would do.
Ironically I kind of watched this as Marvel vs DC, as many of the actors have been or will be in superhero movies --
* Hugh Jackman = Wolverine
* Jake Gyllenhaal = Mysterio
* Terence Howard = Rhodey in 1st Iron Man
* Paul Dano will star in DC's upcoming "The Batman" as Riddler
{I thought it was funny}
Dark Light (2019)
Under-used special effects and everything set in the dark
Why is it that when someone produces a "horror" movie their presumption is "set it in the dark and make everything lit by torches"?
This film *could have* had a good premise ... but the plot was confusing: exactly what to expect from a film where the writer is also the director (an extremely "hit / miss" situation, more "miss" generally): I couldn't work out just what the director was trying to convey with his story -- there were obvious plot elements taken from Shyamalan's far superior "Signs" (aliens hidden in the cornfield) but that was about it. As for the rest -- why did the creature(s) need to steal light from their victims? And they're "supposedly" "A missing link in human evolution" that ... need to use elevators. Right.
Also, somehow -- which doesn't get followed up in the film -- her daughter cuts her arm with a huge piece of glass while attempting to get out of the window ... the wound seems not to bleed and is absent in subsequent events ... the woman blasts a shotgun at her former husband, but he seems to not bear any damage either [perhaps, if the writer / director makes more films then he should employ someone for continuity]. As I said: if her being arrested is meant to be subsequent to the rest of the film, in that her daughter was injured and she shot her ex ... the rest of the film is illogical.
I'm glad that this didn't get an Australian cinema release; I'm only giving 2 stars for the very sparse glimpses of the creatures.
And re the "burning house" -- albeit in the midst of a large field, which miraculously doesn't burn -- to quote from "Monty Python & The Holy Grail" ... "It's only a model"
Cult Girls (2019)
Overpowering Music
The music is so loud and overbearing -- prominently by chants -- that, without a subtitles option (of which there isn't one) it makes it extremely difficult to hear what the characters are actually saying (the monk (?) just sounds as though he's mumbling ... and the other characters / actors, you can't tell what they're saying at all. I turned the film off barely five minutes in due to this issue.
The key "inconsistency" is also that the opening statement claims that the events tak place in "Europe in the 13th century ... the last place to be Christianisized" (not even a real word): but takes place in "Terra Australis" (ok ...), and where -- for the 13th century -- obviously white people (of which there weren't any) had electronic lamps and school halls ...There is no contradiction to this supposition, and the film never states differences / otherwise.
Honestly: don't watch this (ahem) "horror"
Bill & Ted Face the Music (2020)
Bill & Ted: 2 Old Men Looking Tired
Ok: in general the film has its merits, such as the return of the phone box (sans the mess of gum used to repair it in the first film), Death, and Ted's dad.
That's where the nostalgia -- or interst even -- ends: we get Bill's quite aged mum married to Ted's younger brother (huh?); younger actresses playing the Princesses (makes no sense); and now it's all about daughters = Bill's, Ted's, and Rufus' (who travels around in an egg ... I was expecting Mork to sue for copyright infringements.
Then it was suddenly EVERYONE could play an instrument (amazing!), and a plot garnered for this decade's music (who the hell is Kid Cudi?). Despite the fact that there were odd plot devices (a time travelling killer robot but NOT the Robot Us's), and Cudi exclaiming "Station!" (which would be lost on anyone born this decade, unfamiliar with the alien from the 2nd film), I didn't find it funny nor necessary... a perfect addition to the "try to recapture the charm" file of Dumb And Dumber To, Independence Day Resurgance, the Dark Crystal series, Red Dwarf's last 3 series, or Tron Legacy [with this Bill & Ted, Dumb and Dumber To, and Red Dwarf, they just look like sad old men thinking they're still funny or relevant).
Please Keanu: stick to John Wick (I don't have high hopes for Matrix 4 = again, trying to re-create nostalgia 20+ years later, using OTT CGI in place of a good but cheesy plot for the original trilogy ... leave it at that. And we still have Indy 5 on the cards (cause the last one was so great).
Proximity (2020)
What the what now?
The opening scene was the most enjoyable part of the film ... but gave the impression that it was going to be a comedy (car dashboard dials, the radio tuner etc all flickering. Classic alien invasion symbolism).
Then ... nothing made sense: obviously set in the present day ... but the main character has an ancient video camera and an analogue mobile phone (which somehow can connect to a modern digital signal). He can access the internet and upload footage to YouTube but can connect the camera to his PC ... he is able to find details of alien beliebers online but still needs to post video cassettes... Huh?
The movie shifts into his having telepathic powers, being kidnapped by some organisation employing inept (and very much humanoid) robots, and way too many disconnected concepts and ideas: typical of someone who writes, produces, and directs their own movies ("sounds good in my head").
If only they'd not blown the entire budget on the minimalistic (and VERY cool) effects, and spent it on someone who can actually write a decent plot, it might've been watchable ... unfortunately I was only able to watch upto the bit where they escape before turning it off.
Vivarium (2019)
Stupid and Facetious Plot
I really couldn't make sense of this film: the premise was good -- but, upon the arrival of the baby, I was still intrigued ... then it just went from "what happens next" to "wt*?" quickly.
Then it turns out that the Boy becomes the Agent who sold them the house in the first place ... but isn't.
Such a shame: a good premise for a twisted plot worthy of Nolan or Shyamalan (this would make a good story for Jordan Peele's new "Twilight Zone", as the plot is more befitting of a 25 minute episode as opposed to the length of this film); and a strange casting of Poots and Eisenberg.
The sort of film that'd make sense if you're stoned.
Jumanji: The Next Level (2019)
Absolute rubbish
I didn't enjoy the movie at all -- there was an excessive amount of blatant racism (Jack Black, then Karen Gillen, putting on the "voice" of African American character Fridge; and later Asian actress Awkwafina "channeling" Danny DeVito's character -- sounding more Jewish though).
There was no comedy (except the horse - initially Bethany then Danny Glover's character -- slow-mo emerging from the river), ideas were re-hashed from the previous film, and then we see the horse turn into ... Pegasus? What is this, Clash Of The Titans? Underlying Nazi undertones on the gang, confusion as to whether the main antagonist was trapped in the game (no explanation), and ending with -- yep -- creatures escaping into our world. Jumanji 4 on its way.
This did nothing for the credibility of the otherwise superior cast.