"All We Can Do Under These Primitive Conditions Is ..."
4 December 1999
This is dire. Without James Stewart, this flabby, far-too-long cattle yarn would be unwatchable. As it is, it's not far off. Stewart made a few of these 'modern' westerns for Universal in the mid 60's ("Shenandoah" springs to mind) and they are consistently shallow and unrealistic.

Two English beauties, Martha and her daughter Hilary, travel out to the American West in 1884 to sell their prize hornless bull. They meet up with Bulldog Burnett, a trusty cowpoke, who helps them move their bull to Texas. Various adventures befall them along the way.

The film wants to be a comedy action movie, but fails in both departments. The script is very weak and the improbabilities of the story are just too much to swallow.

Stewart plays Burnett, and manages to inject a bit of human interest into even this poorly-drawn character who has to utter some dreadful lines. Martha is played by Maureen O'Hara. She reacts beautifully and wordlessly when Bowen proposes marriage, but other than that she has nothing to do in the whole interminable film except look pretty and seem aloof. Juliet Mills is passable as the female ingenue Hilary, as is her male counterpart (Jamie, played by Don Galloway), but their characters are too flimsy to merit further attention. Jack Elam plays the bad guy Simons, as ludicrous a villain as exists anywhere on celluloid.

And now for the daffy parts. Burnett and the English ladies have camped for the night on the trail, but their camp is as bright as day, thanks to the Universal 'look'. Somebody takes a shot at Burnett, the bullet striking the coffee pot in his hand, but everyone decides to ignore it and turn in for the night! The notion that these two fragrant English roses would sleep on dirt is preposterous, but worse is to follow. The next morning, they are wearing crisp new outfits, both featuring dazzling white blouses - even though they have no luggage with them! Simons shoots his partner dead for no reason whatsoever - even though he is within his victims' earshot and risks ruining his own plan.

When Simons stampedes Jamie's herd, nobody notices him firing his gun or riding in among the cattle, waving a yellow scarf. When he robs the travellers, the obvious thing for him to do is to kill them, but he lets them go free. Before and after the dry gulch sequence, the group moves through lush pasture land. The dry gulch simply doesn't fit with the terrain (which is probably meant to be Oklahoma Territory). Brian Keith as Alexander Bowen parades the most awful Scottish accent since Brig O'Doon - and because he's Scottish, he plays the bagpipes, of course.

The scenes in the Bowen ranch yard and the blizzard sequence are very obviously filmed in a studio.

Verdict - Too long, too shallow ... and too bad they decided to film it at all.
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