Review of Hard to Die

Hard to Die (1990)
Gratuitous T&A can only carry a movie so far...
7 January 2003
(*1/2 out of *****) In a cross between Die Hard and the Slumber Party Massacre (and Sorority House Massacre) movies, a deadly spirit is released into a high-rise office building while a group of pretty female co-workers who work for the ACME Lingerie Company are staying late doing inventory on one of the upper floors (as well as showering and trying on the merchandise). As in Sorority House Massacre II (which was filmed and released roughly the same time as this one and which, with the exception of the building setting, basically follows the same plot), one of the girls becomes possessed by the demon and starts butchering her scantily-clad friends before they even get the chance to have a pillow fight. Luckily, the remaining gals find a crate full of automatic weapons and, next thing you know, bullets are flying, blood is splattering, and breasts are bouncing. I won't lie to you, T&A can often carry an otherwise lousy movie a long way, but that's hardly the case with this one (still, I went ahead and gave this turkey an extra half-star solely for its wall-to-wall display of frilly teddies and lace panties.) Orville Ketchum (as `Himself') appears as the same character he plays in SHMII, and he even narrates a near-identical flashback sequence lifted from the original Slumber Party Massacre. As a testament to the bad writing and Wynorski's equally bad direction, the tiresome and ridiculously indestructible Ketchum pops up around corners every three or four minutes and just stands there looking stupid -- a very bad idea. Seriously, he's one of the most annoying characters in B-movie history, and if he's meant to provide comic relief, it doesn't work. Joe Bob Briggs `LOVED' this movie, and it admittedly does have its charm, but not enough of it to cover up the wretched acting, writing, and directing. Low-budget and horror movie cameo king Forrest J. Ackerman has a lengthy role as Dr. Ed Newton, who sits in his office the whole time. The back of the video box shows pictures of scenes from an entirely different movie. Wynorski has the honor of being responsible for some of the worst drek the slasher genre has to offer.

Lowlight: The death scenes are laughably staged -- one girl gets pulled off-camera from behind by somebody with a hook, and then an obvious bucket-full of fake blood is splattered against a concrete wall. Stupid, stupid stuff.
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