The computer animated skull was the cheesiest, dumbest, most retarded thing I have seen in a long time. I couldn't even hear what it was saying. I just assumed that it was the normal crypt-keeper rip-off crap. Not that the Crypt Keeper was good.
Then we are introduced to the story of two guys with a broken down car who meet a random girl, and then, respectively, a Southern Deputy. That is the overarching plot, but it doesn't matter. It takes up less time then the sub-stories. I also was unable to hear what the zany deputy was saying throughout his five hour long idiotic rambling.
The first sub story was just unimaginative. We listen to repetitive punk rock for ten minutes before the story actually begins. A guy kills people at a mental institution that performs hideous experiments on it's charges. Then the story REALLY takes off with a bunch of jock teen kids molesting a gardener. BUT WAS HE FROM THE MENTAL INSTITUTION??? WE DON'T KNOW!!!! Well, they know that he's unstable, saying that he killed his family, and then unburied them and "killed them again." Oh, what a card that psychopathic gardener is! Then they are hanging out in a large inexplicable vacant lot with various sport equipment. The gardener then kills all the kids who are too ****ing dumb to use the golf clubs they have to bludgeon the killer from a distance OR to stick together so he couldn't possibly stand a chance since he, like this movie, sucks really bad. Oh, and he stuffs all his victims.
It warrants special attention that in this particular story, the lead teen jerk has a fake ear for half the sub-story. Not a good fake ear, one that doesn't have an ear hole. It looks like it's falling off every time he falls down. I mean, nothing actually happens to his ear after it is originally attacked, and it isn't even a fake bloody ear. Just a regular flesh colored, hole-less ear. I hate this movie for that.
Next is the story of some kids who steal a Native American's pot, have a bad trip and become old. I need say no more, as my IQ score drops in a negative exponential curve each second I think about this story.
The last is a whole bunch-o-fun! This girl is making out in the car, okay? We'll call her No Name, since I don't know or care what her name is. Now get this, she is afraid of some guy stalking her! Got that, 'cause that actually almost matters. Now her girlfriend starts talking about revenge on their boyfriends, because the boyfriends taped them having intercourse without their permission. MORE SUSPENSE!!!! And then a deputy who is southern (even though nobody else in the scene is) agrees to investigate the stalker for No Name. And then the stalker is forgotten in lieu of a fake teen sex scene. See, the girl's plans are to get the guys drunk so they can films the guys doing stuff. Then they all get killed except No Name, WHO IS ALSO THE KILLER!!!!!! o_0 OMGWTFBBQ????!!!!1!!!! It also shows the fakest kill ever, as No Name kills her girlfriend by playfully tapping her in side of the head with a poker. Not with the sharp part, the dull part. Hitting her at .0000000000000000000000000000000001 attometers per mega second! Her girlfriend keels over like drunken decapitated moose who gave up on life. Did I mention how much I hate hate hate hate hate this movie?
Oh, And in the over arching plot, the random girl they find is evil. We don't know why, but she is. And all the people from the stories come back and kill the two guys from the broken down car. No reason is given for why any of this happens or why this movie made me want put my foot in blender, but hey, that's CAMPFIRE STORIES!!!!
Then we are introduced to the story of two guys with a broken down car who meet a random girl, and then, respectively, a Southern Deputy. That is the overarching plot, but it doesn't matter. It takes up less time then the sub-stories. I also was unable to hear what the zany deputy was saying throughout his five hour long idiotic rambling.
The first sub story was just unimaginative. We listen to repetitive punk rock for ten minutes before the story actually begins. A guy kills people at a mental institution that performs hideous experiments on it's charges. Then the story REALLY takes off with a bunch of jock teen kids molesting a gardener. BUT WAS HE FROM THE MENTAL INSTITUTION??? WE DON'T KNOW!!!! Well, they know that he's unstable, saying that he killed his family, and then unburied them and "killed them again." Oh, what a card that psychopathic gardener is! Then they are hanging out in a large inexplicable vacant lot with various sport equipment. The gardener then kills all the kids who are too ****ing dumb to use the golf clubs they have to bludgeon the killer from a distance OR to stick together so he couldn't possibly stand a chance since he, like this movie, sucks really bad. Oh, and he stuffs all his victims.
It warrants special attention that in this particular story, the lead teen jerk has a fake ear for half the sub-story. Not a good fake ear, one that doesn't have an ear hole. It looks like it's falling off every time he falls down. I mean, nothing actually happens to his ear after it is originally attacked, and it isn't even a fake bloody ear. Just a regular flesh colored, hole-less ear. I hate this movie for that.
Next is the story of some kids who steal a Native American's pot, have a bad trip and become old. I need say no more, as my IQ score drops in a negative exponential curve each second I think about this story.
The last is a whole bunch-o-fun! This girl is making out in the car, okay? We'll call her No Name, since I don't know or care what her name is. Now get this, she is afraid of some guy stalking her! Got that, 'cause that actually almost matters. Now her girlfriend starts talking about revenge on their boyfriends, because the boyfriends taped them having intercourse without their permission. MORE SUSPENSE!!!! And then a deputy who is southern (even though nobody else in the scene is) agrees to investigate the stalker for No Name. And then the stalker is forgotten in lieu of a fake teen sex scene. See, the girl's plans are to get the guys drunk so they can films the guys doing stuff. Then they all get killed except No Name, WHO IS ALSO THE KILLER!!!!!! o_0 OMGWTFBBQ????!!!!1!!!! It also shows the fakest kill ever, as No Name kills her girlfriend by playfully tapping her in side of the head with a poker. Not with the sharp part, the dull part. Hitting her at .0000000000000000000000000000000001 attometers per mega second! Her girlfriend keels over like drunken decapitated moose who gave up on life. Did I mention how much I hate hate hate hate hate this movie?
Oh, And in the over arching plot, the random girl they find is evil. We don't know why, but she is. And all the people from the stories come back and kill the two guys from the broken down car. No reason is given for why any of this happens or why this movie made me want put my foot in blender, but hey, that's CAMPFIRE STORIES!!!!