Review of Dark Ride

Dark Ride (2006)
1/10
Inexcusable
30 March 2007
Warning: Spoilers
Okay, by now we all know that the whole "Horrorfest 8 Films To Die For" thing was a shameless ploy. They tried to get people to pay to see movies that, in their words, were "too terrifying" for normal audiences. The sad truth is that they were all mediocre horror films that couldn't find distribution and weren't nearly good enough to release on a wide scale. Apparently, some people did go to see them, money was made and the gimmick was fun for the horror fanatics. Long live William Castle.

But that was then. Now that they're on DVD, we can all rate and review them for what they are. I've just finished watching one of the eight, Dark Ride, and I have to say that I am astonished and amazed that this movie received ANY kind of release but not for the reason you might think. I didn't mind the dumb plot, the wretched acting, the stupidity of the characters and the retarded ending. I expect all of those things when watching a movie like this. It's part of the fun.

My amazement came from watching this and realizing very quickly that the people who made it have absolutely no idea how to shoot a movie. From a technical standpoint, it's an abomination. If you don't believe me, watch it and try to keep track of how many times shots go out of focus because the cameraman (or the director, who can say) has no idea what he's doing. Watch the scene at the gas station and count how many times the camera or the shadow of the camera creeps into the shot. I lost count. At one point, as Jamie-Lynn's character is wandering through the ride, she falls down...and the camera completely misses it. Here's some advice for the director: if you're going to make a movie, hire someone who can pull off the shots you want (by the way, Mr. Singer, you weren't fooling anyone with that awful cut you tried to pull off for the shot of the van's headlight). Most low-budget horror movies come off as amateurish but shoddy, careless film-making like this is inexcusable.

Look, I know that there are things that directors do to save time when shooting a low-budget film. One of them is to set the camera up in one spot and capture all of the action from one angle, zooming in to each actor so you can capture all of the coverage without a bunch of different set-ups. The dorm room scene in the beginning is a prime example of this (notice that we only see one side of the room) and so is the gas station scene (once they had the camera on the dolly, they obviously didn't have the time to do another set-up so everything in the parking lot is shot from the left). Why would this bother me, you ask? Because when a film gets ANY kind of theatrical release (even if it's only a week) and the distributor (especially a distributor as big as Lion's Gate) asks people to pay $9.00 to see it, I expect that film to adhere to a certain amount of professionalism. Calling this a professional film is like calling Adolf Hitler a sweetiepie. It just ain't true.

Just a couple of things on the DVD that I thought were hilarious. If you look on the back of the DVD box, you'll notice that the word "attraction" is spelled wrong (talk about inexcusable and amateurish) and just try not to laugh when, in the special features, one of the writers (the one with the man boobs) admits that it took him four months(!) to write the script.

Oh, and I've been around long enough to realize that most of the "great" reviews this movie has received on this site (A Classic! A Thrill Ride! Awesome! Old-School Horror At It(sic) Finest!!!) are all from people involved with the film or friends and family of the filmmakers. Guys, that is getting so old. It doesn't fool anybody anymore.
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