Actually, I do know where to begin. Never having seen any of the Herbie films of which snippets are shown during the opening credits, I was prepared to give this film a chance in spite of being marketed as a "family" film. I should have known better after my experiences with Inspector Gadget In Name Only, or indeed pretty much anything Walt Disney's name has been applied to. My only real reason for even making the attempt was to see if Lindsay Lohan's acting could measure up to the exaggerated mythology about her consumptive habits. Bluntly put, it does not. But moreover, Herbie Fully Loaded, hereafter referred to as HFL, makes me incredibly glad that I never saw any of the other seven features that are based around the car known as Herbie. I dismissed them as a load of kiddie garbage, some might say presumptuously, when I was a boy. As a man, I have to say that I would never be so cruel as to subject a child with the level of intelligence I displayed during my childhood to this sugar-coated mindless garbage.
Jello Biafra would have a field day with the idea of Lindsay attempting to pass herself off as a musician, but the biggest poseur in this production by a long road would have to be director Angela Robinson. In one featurette that was included with the DVD, she waxes about how she wanted to stay "true" to the Herbie mythology and all that sort of rubbish that directors who adapt or continue a well-known series of stories say as an unconscious warning to the audience that they possess not a solitary clue about what they are doing. While I am all for the presentation of a perspective on life that was valid in the late 1960s when the proper realistic viewpoint is added, I think you would have to be legally retarded in order to miss the fact that the world of 2005 is a frighteningly different place. Unfortunately, neither the director nor writers seem to be aware that for individuals of the apparent age Lohan's character is meant to be, the modern world is one of slavery and negation, not exploration or finding oneself.
Of course, that would contradict the flavour of syrup that the Disney corporation wishes to spew at an audience that is too young to know much better. A search for the words "a watched populace never boils" should turn up a few good ideas of why Lohan's character would not merely run from the NASCAR circuit town she apparently exists in, but sprout wings in desperation and fly away. There is a reason why cities the size of Rome, New York, London, or Berlin get to be the size they are. It is because ideas get exchanged in those places, and people learn to coexist with peoples who might not perfectly match them. Or match them at all. I know not whether this is a fair reflection of 1968's The Love Bug or not, but director Angela Robinson seems convinced that people being happy to remain in nowhere and let their brains go to a wasteful rot is consistent with the mythology of that film and its sequels. So once again, after seeing this steaming pile, I have to say I am glad I have never seen the others.
Another major problem facing the film is its inability to recognise when it is taking the fantasy too far. Of course, the other films asked us to accept that a car could become sentient and form attachments to other cars (which then magically become sentient themselves as if reciprocating), but this was an unfortunate requirement of the story's proposal. Fortunately, the realities of special effects when the last Herbie film to be shown in theatres was made required the directors to design the special effects around a believable story. Here, the story exists only to serve the special effects. Okay, so Herbie is meant to be capable of doing some things that cars of similar make and model would find impossible, but HFL not only provides inadequate explanation within the parameters of the story, it crosses the line between amazing and outright stupid. Scratch that, it does not merely cross that line. Lindsay Lohan throws up on it, the car leaks hydraulic fluid over it, and Michael Keaton sneers it out of existence.
Speaking of Michael Keaton, while no performance in this film requires anything remotely resembling acting skills, it becomes apparent during his scenes with Lohan that he is just cashing a paycheque here. His sole purpose is to hit the requisite Disney movie-dad points one by one, a task at which he proves to be reasonably adept. The problem, or at least the primary problem when he is trying to get into character, is that the script gives him next to nothing to work with. For a man who has worked multiple times with the great Tim Burton to put in a performance like this, something has to be missing. Literally anyone could have played this part, which I suppose is a good reminder of the days when Disney had a whole closet full of stock actors they hauled out to play parts whenever they wanted to make a dollar. If I could get one of my own stories into production as a film, I would be glad to offer Keaton and Lohan roles, as they both appear as though they could do with the challenge of playing a character that has dimensions two and three. I am not kidding.
Herbie Fully Loaded is the walking definition of a two out of ten film. It is not just a boring or insulting film. It is an attempt to resurrect something that quite honestly is best left dead and buried in the dark ages.
Jello Biafra would have a field day with the idea of Lindsay attempting to pass herself off as a musician, but the biggest poseur in this production by a long road would have to be director Angela Robinson. In one featurette that was included with the DVD, she waxes about how she wanted to stay "true" to the Herbie mythology and all that sort of rubbish that directors who adapt or continue a well-known series of stories say as an unconscious warning to the audience that they possess not a solitary clue about what they are doing. While I am all for the presentation of a perspective on life that was valid in the late 1960s when the proper realistic viewpoint is added, I think you would have to be legally retarded in order to miss the fact that the world of 2005 is a frighteningly different place. Unfortunately, neither the director nor writers seem to be aware that for individuals of the apparent age Lohan's character is meant to be, the modern world is one of slavery and negation, not exploration or finding oneself.
Of course, that would contradict the flavour of syrup that the Disney corporation wishes to spew at an audience that is too young to know much better. A search for the words "a watched populace never boils" should turn up a few good ideas of why Lohan's character would not merely run from the NASCAR circuit town she apparently exists in, but sprout wings in desperation and fly away. There is a reason why cities the size of Rome, New York, London, or Berlin get to be the size they are. It is because ideas get exchanged in those places, and people learn to coexist with peoples who might not perfectly match them. Or match them at all. I know not whether this is a fair reflection of 1968's The Love Bug or not, but director Angela Robinson seems convinced that people being happy to remain in nowhere and let their brains go to a wasteful rot is consistent with the mythology of that film and its sequels. So once again, after seeing this steaming pile, I have to say I am glad I have never seen the others.
Another major problem facing the film is its inability to recognise when it is taking the fantasy too far. Of course, the other films asked us to accept that a car could become sentient and form attachments to other cars (which then magically become sentient themselves as if reciprocating), but this was an unfortunate requirement of the story's proposal. Fortunately, the realities of special effects when the last Herbie film to be shown in theatres was made required the directors to design the special effects around a believable story. Here, the story exists only to serve the special effects. Okay, so Herbie is meant to be capable of doing some things that cars of similar make and model would find impossible, but HFL not only provides inadequate explanation within the parameters of the story, it crosses the line between amazing and outright stupid. Scratch that, it does not merely cross that line. Lindsay Lohan throws up on it, the car leaks hydraulic fluid over it, and Michael Keaton sneers it out of existence.
Speaking of Michael Keaton, while no performance in this film requires anything remotely resembling acting skills, it becomes apparent during his scenes with Lohan that he is just cashing a paycheque here. His sole purpose is to hit the requisite Disney movie-dad points one by one, a task at which he proves to be reasonably adept. The problem, or at least the primary problem when he is trying to get into character, is that the script gives him next to nothing to work with. For a man who has worked multiple times with the great Tim Burton to put in a performance like this, something has to be missing. Literally anyone could have played this part, which I suppose is a good reminder of the days when Disney had a whole closet full of stock actors they hauled out to play parts whenever they wanted to make a dollar. If I could get one of my own stories into production as a film, I would be glad to offer Keaton and Lohan roles, as they both appear as though they could do with the challenge of playing a character that has dimensions two and three. I am not kidding.
Herbie Fully Loaded is the walking definition of a two out of ten film. It is not just a boring or insulting film. It is an attempt to resurrect something that quite honestly is best left dead and buried in the dark ages.