Well, where do you start with a movie as boneheaded as this one? A sequel virtually no-one requested to the 1976 remake, (of which I've only seen snippets) this is one of the oddest films I since for a while. It stars Linda Hamilton of Terminator fame, John Ashton as a mad general and a whole bunch of other people you haven't heard of. The plot is (as the title suggests) that Kong, even after falling off the Twin Towers a decade ago, isn't actually dead. He has been kept alive all this time, using a device to keep his circulation going by a government lab, but now he desperately needs a heart transplant otherwise he will buy the farm. "We need a miracle" proclaims Hamilton's surgeon character.
WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW at that exact moment, a fortune hunter (played by Brian Kerwin) is on some remote desert island when he is chased by.. you guessed it.. another giant primate (not John Prescott). This one though, is a SHE and even more fortunately, Kerwin has his backing chorus of tribesmen to knock her out with many blow-darts. Gosh, if it's that easy to take down those pesky apes, why doesn't every trooper carry one?! No matter, the Indy wannabe flies Ms Monkey to the States, where he gives the creature to the lab for a wad of cash. An operation then takes place, where half the heart of Lady Kong is removed and given to K. Kong.
It turns out to be a success, and now there are two big animal attractions in the USA. HURRAY! Sadly, those stoopid scientists have placed the female too close to the male, and once Mr Kong gets a whiff of those pheromones, you can bet your blue baboon butt he's away... busting out of his cage that's protected by one (1!) guard, and going on the rampage till he finds the love of his life. And it's at this point I'd like to pause, reflect.. and ask a few questions if you don't mind, sonny Jim.
1. Why bother spending millions of dollars keeping this big lunk alive for years, only to try and kill it the moment it gets better? They don't even attempt to knock him out when he escapes, they just whip out the ol' tanks and guns, and try and turn the animal into a very fetching black rug.
2. Why entrust Lady Kong's care to an insane cigar chomping, warmongering general who couldn't care less about the creatures and would like nothing more than to slaughter them both? PETA's missing presence in this film is a giant question mark.
3. Why does everyone attack and torture these docile animals, when it's already been proved in the original that they only fight back in self-defence? Give them a couple of bananas and they'll be your best friend, no need for all the artillery!
4. Later, Hamilton and Kerwin find out Kong's mate is pregnant. This is an amazing development for arguably the rarest species in the word. What do they do with this information. Why, they tell The Insane General (see 2) who has already demonstrated his utter contempt for these primate pests! How about, going to the president or the FBI? Not in this mad movie!
5. Most amazingly of all, every single shot from Uncle Sam's boys misses Mr and Mrs Kong, even at point blank range! And we're talking about the biggest targets EVER here! The only time they connect is at the end, during a 'noble sacrifice' YAWN. I hope the real American army isn't this inept, or you may as well surrender to China and Iran now!
And so on, and so forth. About from all the implausibilities in the plot, the most painful moments are the romantic scenes between the apes, complete with goo-goo faces and slushy melodies in the background. HELLO THIS IS KING KONG AND LADY KONG, NOT TOM HANKS AND MEG RYAN. My favourite bit though, is in during one of these little trysts, when Hamilton is subtly enchanted enough after watching them to offer Kerwin a spot in her sleeping bag " Are you sure about this"?! He asks. She replies with the quote of the century "WELL WE'RE PRIMATES TOO!!" Expect that to rank with lines from Citizen Kane and Casablanca in the all time greatest list.
The special effects aren't half bad for the 80's, as long as you can pretend you're not looking at two boiling actors in gorilla suits. I hope they had ventilation! Of course if you're expecting something along the lines of Peter Jackson's 2005 interpretation of the character you're beating your chest at the wrong film. I will say this for it though.. it is diverting a lot of the time, not just because there's so much going on, but sometimes it just gets so silly you have to stop and rub your eyes. I can't really recommend it as an action film, but as a comedy when you've had a few bevvies and you've got the lads around it fits the bill perfectly. On that basis, I would give it a 4/10.. now I've got to go. Something big's just stepped on my dad's car! HE'S GONNA KILL ME!!
WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW at that exact moment, a fortune hunter (played by Brian Kerwin) is on some remote desert island when he is chased by.. you guessed it.. another giant primate (not John Prescott). This one though, is a SHE and even more fortunately, Kerwin has his backing chorus of tribesmen to knock her out with many blow-darts. Gosh, if it's that easy to take down those pesky apes, why doesn't every trooper carry one?! No matter, the Indy wannabe flies Ms Monkey to the States, where he gives the creature to the lab for a wad of cash. An operation then takes place, where half the heart of Lady Kong is removed and given to K. Kong.
It turns out to be a success, and now there are two big animal attractions in the USA. HURRAY! Sadly, those stoopid scientists have placed the female too close to the male, and once Mr Kong gets a whiff of those pheromones, you can bet your blue baboon butt he's away... busting out of his cage that's protected by one (1!) guard, and going on the rampage till he finds the love of his life. And it's at this point I'd like to pause, reflect.. and ask a few questions if you don't mind, sonny Jim.
1. Why bother spending millions of dollars keeping this big lunk alive for years, only to try and kill it the moment it gets better? They don't even attempt to knock him out when he escapes, they just whip out the ol' tanks and guns, and try and turn the animal into a very fetching black rug.
2. Why entrust Lady Kong's care to an insane cigar chomping, warmongering general who couldn't care less about the creatures and would like nothing more than to slaughter them both? PETA's missing presence in this film is a giant question mark.
3. Why does everyone attack and torture these docile animals, when it's already been proved in the original that they only fight back in self-defence? Give them a couple of bananas and they'll be your best friend, no need for all the artillery!
4. Later, Hamilton and Kerwin find out Kong's mate is pregnant. This is an amazing development for arguably the rarest species in the word. What do they do with this information. Why, they tell The Insane General (see 2) who has already demonstrated his utter contempt for these primate pests! How about, going to the president or the FBI? Not in this mad movie!
5. Most amazingly of all, every single shot from Uncle Sam's boys misses Mr and Mrs Kong, even at point blank range! And we're talking about the biggest targets EVER here! The only time they connect is at the end, during a 'noble sacrifice' YAWN. I hope the real American army isn't this inept, or you may as well surrender to China and Iran now!
And so on, and so forth. About from all the implausibilities in the plot, the most painful moments are the romantic scenes between the apes, complete with goo-goo faces and slushy melodies in the background. HELLO THIS IS KING KONG AND LADY KONG, NOT TOM HANKS AND MEG RYAN. My favourite bit though, is in during one of these little trysts, when Hamilton is subtly enchanted enough after watching them to offer Kerwin a spot in her sleeping bag " Are you sure about this"?! He asks. She replies with the quote of the century "WELL WE'RE PRIMATES TOO!!" Expect that to rank with lines from Citizen Kane and Casablanca in the all time greatest list.
The special effects aren't half bad for the 80's, as long as you can pretend you're not looking at two boiling actors in gorilla suits. I hope they had ventilation! Of course if you're expecting something along the lines of Peter Jackson's 2005 interpretation of the character you're beating your chest at the wrong film. I will say this for it though.. it is diverting a lot of the time, not just because there's so much going on, but sometimes it just gets so silly you have to stop and rub your eyes. I can't really recommend it as an action film, but as a comedy when you've had a few bevvies and you've got the lads around it fits the bill perfectly. On that basis, I would give it a 4/10.. now I've got to go. Something big's just stepped on my dad's car! HE'S GONNA KILL ME!!