A bunch of really horny frauleins are on a plane ride to Singapore presumably to dance (I'm sure "dancing" in Singapore has a different meaning) when it crashes into the sea killing everyone except the girls, the girls' manager Gary, and Gary's assistant Georgia. Lucky for us. While lost at sea on a life raft, which I assume they pulled out of the sinking plane while leaving the pilots and crew to die, they happen upon an island and paddle ashore. Gary and his female crew come to a cabin on the island only to find a dead man hanging in a very large spider web. Turns out he was bitten by a rather large spider with claws that has become mutated by the uranium on the island. While on an evening stroll Gary gets bitten by said spider and becomes a goofy were-spider with claws that he uses to strangle victims with. Well, enough of that, let's get to the main focus of this film which is to ogle the ladies in various states of undress. "Horrors of Spider Island" was originally a nudie flick however when it was released in the U.S. all of the nudity was taken out. Hooray? This is an incredibly silly movie that needed all the help it could get so excising the nude scenes doesn't exactly enhance the viewing experience. The dubbed dialogue is just as bad if not worse than any seventies kung-fu movie I've ever seen. The women "ooh" and "aah" so inappropriately it sounds like they're having orgasms. The slaps are particular bad as the actresses don't come within a mile of making contact. One particularly stupid conversation has the girls stumbling upon the body of one of the ditzy broads when Georgia says "She's been strangled" to which Babs retorts "A spider". What? Where do you make the connection from strangulation to arachnids? What kind of spiders are in her neighborhood? After some skinny dipping two guys show up and proceed to try and impregnate the more than willing ladies. After about thirty minutes of lame dancing and prostitution Gary the spider monster shows back up for the anticlimax. I had an idea about a movie like this that involved whiskey and horny island women. It was "Zee Dies and Goes to Heaven".
Review of Horrors of Spider Island
