Review of Bone Eater

Bone Eater (2007 TV Movie)
2/10
Wow. Just, wow.
13 February 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Since you've got the plot by now, we'll go right to the cast and special effects. There are a slew of old TV stars in this thing and some have aged better than others. Boxleitner has held up pretty well, although his acting is still what it always was, which isn't much. George Koenig (Chekov from the original Star Trek) makes a cameo as the coroner and does his usual capable job. Veronica Hamel looks ghastly! A once beautiful woman, her face could pass for the Nazca Desert in Peru. William Katt's (Greatest American Hero TV series of the 70's) once bright red hair is completely white and he is barely recognizable as the "simple country doctor". The cast also lists Gil Gerard (TV's Buck Rogers), but I'll be danged if I saw him. Unknown Clara Bryant appears as the sheriff's daughter and displays her two magnificent talents. Jesse Janzen plays her love interest, much to the sheriffs disdain. I suspect the sheriff doesn't like him because his eyebrows are just too freaky looking.

Special effects, you ask? Two words - highly amusing. The Bone Eater looks like a much larger, bonier and angrier "Crow" of MST3000 fame. He (it?) never really eats any bones, or anything else. He just swipes at his victims and they scream, then disappear in a cloud of dust. I must admit that this is the first movie I've ever seen where 82 people are murdered, yet there is only one sign of blood and that is from a knife fight between the sheriff and an angry Indian.

The best, and funniest, effect is when the Bone Eater waves his hands (phalanges, actually) and conjures up a horse made out of dust, then rides his dusty steed to a soundtrack of some really cheesy western style music. Hilarity ensues.

All in all, a real bomb. But I give it 2/10 for making me laugh on an otherwise uneventful Saturday afternoon. If you're bored and need a tickle, this one's for you.
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