Amazing. This has to be a record. It's the 9th of January, 2012, and even though Don't Go in the Woods isn't scheduled for theatrical release until January 13th – I watched it via Video on Demand, I strongly doubt any movie could come close to knocking it out of the #1 spot on my Worst Movie of 2012 list. Heck, it's creeping up my all-time worst list.
I want to blame the advertisers. Really, I do but when one critiques a film, it's not the marketing crew that's to blame. That said, this is sold as a HORROR movie, a throwback to the killer-in the-woods of the 1980s. And boy was I excited for it. I'm a child of the 80s horror, specifically the Friday the 13th sub-genre and its followers.
This is a MUSICAL. I wish I could even say, "Well, at least it's 50/50 musical and horror." That would be inaccurate and a lie. I would be even too generous to say it's 80% Musical and 20% Horror.
Even if it were 100% musical, it still wouldn't work. See, at about the one hour mark (out of ONLY 83 minutes), I gave up on the whole idea this was horror, despite the 20 seconds devoted to suspense up to this point. I accepted this is a musical, pure and simple. Sadly, it still did not work as a musical. You will have a bunch of mindless, boring and completely and utterly hallow individuals that sing song after song after song for practice.
I don't wish to see an "up'n'coming" and unknown band practice for a full-length movie. Likewise, I would loath seeing an accountant crunch numbers for an hour and a half. Mindblowingly worse, every once in awhile, the movie shifts to some sort of music video in the most asinine scenarios.
Of the many, many unintentionally funny and WTF moments, the best (or worst?) was a foreign exchange student is trying to translate/explain there's a killer in the woods and her first instinct is to stand in one place, sway back and forth and sing in her native tongue in order to give the killer enough time to catch up.
Ahhh, I haven't even gotten to how much I hated the characters. The worst of which is the controlling, depressing and boring lead who's against the usual things that get the normal "killer-in-the-woods" all riled up: sex, booze and drugs. Oh, and cell phones. Lest anyone actually needs one, he wants to chop them all up so they can write music. (???)
OK, so there's a method to the Demetri Martin Wannabe's madness – he just really wants to better the band. How sweet and stupid.
The ONLY bright spot was that since these cardboard cutout characters are so blah and whiney, you really, REALLY, wanted them to die. And you'll get your wish. Only, you'll want them to be smashed by the weird twist-on-the-machete-weapon, a sledgehammer, from minute one and every single aching minute until they do, approximately 5-10 minutes before the end.
You would be better off playing 83 straight minutes of Pandora as that app would be highly more of a thrill to listen to and watch. You'd be blind (ha – I forgot: there's a blind character for no reason other than, other than, why was he blind again?) if you didn't see the sad little and unoriginal twist coming from the first five minutes. And you'd be a fool to go into these woods.
1/10 Stars. I plead with you to skip this. I'd even condone you voting Republican than giving this movie anything over fifty cents of profit.
(Spoiler Alert! I can't help it, but if you do plan on wasting your time here, even if it's only 83 minutes, don't read the next two words Fight Club. I mean seriously? That's supposed to be original? I did see it coming, but even if it were dropped on me as a total shock in the finale, I would be like OH! You're a fan of soap. Big f'ng deal. Now, go write an original screenplay that involves more words than lyrics and less time with plagiarism. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.)
I want to blame the advertisers. Really, I do but when one critiques a film, it's not the marketing crew that's to blame. That said, this is sold as a HORROR movie, a throwback to the killer-in the-woods of the 1980s. And boy was I excited for it. I'm a child of the 80s horror, specifically the Friday the 13th sub-genre and its followers.
This is a MUSICAL. I wish I could even say, "Well, at least it's 50/50 musical and horror." That would be inaccurate and a lie. I would be even too generous to say it's 80% Musical and 20% Horror.
Even if it were 100% musical, it still wouldn't work. See, at about the one hour mark (out of ONLY 83 minutes), I gave up on the whole idea this was horror, despite the 20 seconds devoted to suspense up to this point. I accepted this is a musical, pure and simple. Sadly, it still did not work as a musical. You will have a bunch of mindless, boring and completely and utterly hallow individuals that sing song after song after song for practice.
I don't wish to see an "up'n'coming" and unknown band practice for a full-length movie. Likewise, I would loath seeing an accountant crunch numbers for an hour and a half. Mindblowingly worse, every once in awhile, the movie shifts to some sort of music video in the most asinine scenarios.
Of the many, many unintentionally funny and WTF moments, the best (or worst?) was a foreign exchange student is trying to translate/explain there's a killer in the woods and her first instinct is to stand in one place, sway back and forth and sing in her native tongue in order to give the killer enough time to catch up.
Ahhh, I haven't even gotten to how much I hated the characters. The worst of which is the controlling, depressing and boring lead who's against the usual things that get the normal "killer-in-the-woods" all riled up: sex, booze and drugs. Oh, and cell phones. Lest anyone actually needs one, he wants to chop them all up so they can write music. (???)
OK, so there's a method to the Demetri Martin Wannabe's madness – he just really wants to better the band. How sweet and stupid.
The ONLY bright spot was that since these cardboard cutout characters are so blah and whiney, you really, REALLY, wanted them to die. And you'll get your wish. Only, you'll want them to be smashed by the weird twist-on-the-machete-weapon, a sledgehammer, from minute one and every single aching minute until they do, approximately 5-10 minutes before the end.
You would be better off playing 83 straight minutes of Pandora as that app would be highly more of a thrill to listen to and watch. You'd be blind (ha – I forgot: there's a blind character for no reason other than, other than, why was he blind again?) if you didn't see the sad little and unoriginal twist coming from the first five minutes. And you'd be a fool to go into these woods.
1/10 Stars. I plead with you to skip this. I'd even condone you voting Republican than giving this movie anything over fifty cents of profit.
(Spoiler Alert! I can't help it, but if you do plan on wasting your time here, even if it's only 83 minutes, don't read the next two words Fight Club. I mean seriously? That's supposed to be original? I did see it coming, but even if it were dropped on me as a total shock in the finale, I would be like OH! You're a fan of soap. Big f'ng deal. Now, go write an original screenplay that involves more words than lyrics and less time with plagiarism. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.)