ironhorse_iv Review of Milk Money

Milk Money (1994)

Milk Money is spoiled milk: out of date, rotten and unwatchable. Just toss it out! This kid's movie is too creepy!

[4/10 · 4 April 2016]

This film was trying too hard to be like the 1990's romantic comedy film, 'Pretty Woman', with its hooker with the heart of gold premise. It had some really awful delivery. This so called family movie was just uncomfortable to watch with your mom, dad, sibling, and grandparents. I felt dirty for just watching this film with them in the 1990s. Amazingly enough for the time, this script sold for over $1 million (which was at the time a record for a first-time screenwriter for John Mattson). Directed by Richard Benjamin, the movie partake in the lowest of lows stories, by having bunch of prepubescent boys lead by Frank Wheeler (Michael Patrick Carter) wanting to see a prostitute, V AKA Eve (Melanie Griffith) naked. Only for them, to later, want to convince V to date Frank's father, Tom (Ed Harris). Yes, that is the sleazy premise of this romantic comedy film! What an awkward watch! Not only, was the movie, very disturbing to watch, as a kid, but it wasn't funny at all. The jokes were a little too dark, or made little to no sense. Lots of inappropriate pedophile overtones jokes. Lots of jokes about young boys & girls, wanting to grow up, to be pimp & hookers. Yes, that's a great message for children. It was too disgustingly than funny. Also, the movie had some very painful badly written dialogue, delivered by some really poor acting. For me, this particularly comes from Melanie Griffith, who personally, for me, doesn't show, much range. I also never found her to be, really attractive, due to the effects of her drug and alcohol abuse, during the early and mid-1980s. Even in the early 1990s, you can tell, by her limited facial movements, that she got some really bad plastic surgery as well. She also a bit annoying with her soft nearly squeaky voice. Plus, I don't like how this movie didn't do any research in V's profession. I hate, how the film is saying that all prostitutes are working for the mob. A lot of them, are working for themselves, nor are they, sex slaves. Some of them, just do it, for kicks. I really don't like that clichés that every hooker is a trouble person. If anything save the movie for me; it's Ed Harris's performance. He was great as the clueless father. It's rare to see him, in a funny role. Ed Harris really needs to be, in more comedies. However, his character was bit, underdeveloped. The whole, saving the wetlands sub-plot really needed to be fresh out, more. It comes and disappears, as soon as that part is mention. Another character, in the film that was fun to see here is Waltzer (Malcolm McDowell). I know, a lot of people didn't like McDowell's Englishman accent performance here, but I found his short scenes to be one of the film highlights. He really seem somewhat wasted, by being limited. I wish, they just eliminated the Cash character (Casey Siemaszko) and gave it to Waltzer. He was fun as the villain for V and the children to face. The kid actors was also alright, despite their character not acting their age level. Like really, how can they be that clueless about sex education? It's weirder when the subplot about Frank failing Sex Ed is suddenly dropped once he brings V to his class room for show and tell. How on earth, did they get away with doing that? Why would V, even agree to something like that, if she's in hiding from the mob. Wouldn't she be arrest for trespassing on school grounds, label as a registered sex offender, or by now, murder by the mob that she's trying to run away? This film doesn't make any sense, because of things like that. I hate these stupid annoying children getting away with very unrealistic scheme clichés. If I did that, at his age, during school hours, I would find myself in juvenile prison for sure. Overall: While, this PG-13 movie has a lot of sexual innuendos, talks about private body parts, and others sexual things. The movie doesn't have any nudity. It's not like, I wanted to see Melanie Griffith naked, anyways. Overall: I don't mind, films for children trying to understand, their bodies and sex. However, this isn't the film for them. It's not mature enough to teach kids, nor funny enough to pass as a romantic comedy. I can't recommended watching it at all.