Review of Welcome Home

Welcome Home (I) (2018)
5/10
Watch it for EmRata, if anything.
29 July 2019
This is a movie that raises several questions. And I don't mean the good ones, like philosophical musings or in-depth queries about its ingenious plot structure. No, these aren't even questions about the movie's content.

Firstly, why was this movie actually released in Dutch cinemas? I noticed it on the cinema roster for about a week, but judging by the trailer, I didn't think this would be necessarily worth a cinema visit. I hoped to pick it up on TV or streaming in due time, but to my surprise, I could already do that less than 6 months later when it was available on Netflix, and it was even worse than I expected. This is really the kind of poorly scripted and badly directed erotic thriller that would be released direct-to-dvd in the old days, and direct-to-video in the really old days. So in answer of the first question: it was probably the famous cast that saved it from that fate, although only briefly.

The plot? Get your checklist ready for some tropes: a couple's privacy is being invaded and they are psychologically manipulated by a stranger who starts out sympathetic, but then slowly evolves into a psychopath. Narratively, it adds almost nothing to similarly-themed movies that were actually good (Fatal Attraction, The Hand That Rocks The Cradle and Unlawful Entry), or their bad rip-offs (Swimfan, The Boy Next Door and just about every Poison Ivy movie).

But we've seen movies being ripped off while still very decently executed, did we (I can think of quite a few Die Hard copies, as well as Cloverfield)? No such luck here: from the moment that Federico walks into the lives of Bryan and Cassie who are on a holiday to fix their broken relationship, you can almost spell out what is going to happen next. The screenwriter obviously hasn't made an effort to watch similar movies to steer clear from all the genre clichés and pitfalls, which, combined with George Ratliffe's extremely uninspired direction, effectively kills every attempt at building tension. The casting doesn't help either: Riccardo Scamarcio (of John Wick Chapter 2 fame) just looks and acts in ways that just spell 'bad guy' from the beginning, so you know this guy is up to no good. Even worse is that they present a pretty nice twist just before the end credits; one that could have been used to great effect earlier in the movie, and which would have been a nice modern update of the genre. A squandered opportunity.

The only ones who are doing somewhat decent jobs are the actors. Aaron Paul of Breaking Bad keeps reminding me of a young punk so he is not my favorite actor, but I can tolerate him. Emily Ratajkowski is a familiar face since featuring in the hugely popular Blurred Lines video clip, and she can actually act. Nothing award-winning, but I have seen model-turned-actresses doing far worse. In fact, EmRata is the best reason to watch this movie. Since the writer and director couldn't make their film interesting, they clearly focussed on the Italian land- and cityscape in general, and EmRata's curves in particular. And it has to be said: she is listed as one of the most beautiful women in the world for a good reason, and clearly has no issues with physically expressing herself. The camera misses no opportunity to photgraph her stunning beauty, which leads to some sensual scenes that are easily the best in the movie.

Which brings me to my second question: why is this movie rated R? Because all the so-called 'risqué material' is pretty tame and only sensual at best. The violence is restricted to maybe two outbursts that occur mainly off-screen, and we only get brief glimpses of EmRata and Paul's naked bodies, all from far away, behind or from the side, nothing (full) frontal. Seriously, I remember R-rated movies from my youth that showed 5 times more blood and were 10 times more explicit with nudity than what is displayed here. No matter what you think of the genre as a whole: an R-rated erotic thriller should be unapologetically erotic, not a half-baked, harmless compromise that is afraid to offend anyone with nudity. My guess is that the makers had to tone down the content because they (or the studio) were aiming for a PG-13 rating, but the MPAA was in a bad mood and still slapped it with an R, because they think that teens should be spared from watching some standard bedroom activities.

But before I keep bashing the American rating system, I have to admit that even in the Netherlands, this film received the highest rating (only for audiences over 16 years of age). I am again reminded of how old I am getting, because in the 1980s, my generation learned what women looked like without clothes from movies, commercials and TV shows that were deemed suitable for general audiences, no restrictions. At the time, nudity wasn't considered harmful for young kids, but that was then. The new prudery has definitely set in here as well, if we needed more proof of that.

You can skip this movie if you're hoping to be thrilled and entertained, because it only rehashes what most have already seen, while failing to use its best two assets to optimal effect: the twist at the end, and Emily Ratajkowski. Although EmRata may actually be the reason that most viewers will make it to the end. More of her in the future please, in every sense of the word!
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