Tango & Cash (1989)
6/10
Tape = Play. Brain = Stop
5 December 2020
By 1989 I wouldn't have paid a dime to watch a movie like this and the only way I would have seen it would have been on HBO, an impossibility since I had already moved out of my parent's house by the time that would have happened. Tastes change and over the years this sort of dumbass 80's action / adventure have now become my favorite movies to watch, as I now find them completely hilarious. What isn't hilarious about them? The people who actually thought this stuff was classy entertainment at the time. My dad had a graduate degree and he would still just sit there, mindlessly watching schlock like this while I would sit at the other end of the room, tearing the plot to pieces. As I watched this, I pictured myself down in our old, 80's family room doing just that, and I would have had plenty to rag on.

Simply put, this movie pretty much crosses the line from action to fantasy. The dialogue is ridiculous and the plot has massive holes and suspense of logic that can only make you laugh to watch it now. Too many to list but here's a few: You get work detail on your second day in prison? How did Stallone get into the air vent? You can just trot away from prison (with no apparent pursuit) after you bust out and then wander back into the police station (where everyone knows your face) to just wander away again with some weapons? How did Stallone's daughter get kidnapped? Why the hell would you go back to your own house when you are fleeing the law? Cops and fire department don't immediately show up when a car blows up in a garage? How did they get vehicles? Why do a bunch of gun and drug runners need monster trucks? You get the picture. The whole thing is a big, macho shlock-fest, devoid of logic, and that's what makes it entertaining now. If you are looking for realism, skip this one.

Oh, yeah, and we have Robert Z'Dar, Michael Pollard, Clint Howard, and Jack Palance all sharing the same big screen! That's some serious B-Movie star power gathered together for a big-budget picture and I was happy to see that.
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