Confessions of a Window Cleaner, and its two sequels Pop Performer and Driving Instructor were all complete rubbish, smuttier versions of the Carry On films, I had no doubt that the fourth and final film in the franchise was going to be as bad, directed by Norman Cohen (Dad's Army: The Movie). Basically, Funfrall Holiday Camp is opening in March when it is cold. Optimistic but clumsy Timothy "Timmy" Lea (Robin Askwith) narrates his day-to-day activities. He and his brother-in-law Sidney "Sid" Noggett (Anthony Booth, Cherie Blair's father) work at the holiday camp as entertainment officers but are very lazy. Ex-prison officer William Whitemonk (John Junkin) is the strict no-nonsense new manager. Whitemonk is unimpressed by most of the upcoming activities for guests until Sid suggests there will be a beauty contest. Timmy and French holiday host Brigitte Dubois (Linda Hayden) are playing pool and are almost caught having sex. Sid talks about Miss British Holiday Camp with £500 first prize and automatic entry to other beauty contests in London. Sid warns Timmy if the contest is not successful, they will be fired. Timmy tries to find contestants in camp, meeting a Married Woman (Penny Meredith) who takes an interest in him. He angers Kevin's Dad (Mike Savage) when he unintentionally causes trouble for his son Kevin (Nicholas Bond-Owen) and accidentally removes the bra of Kevin's Mum (Janet Edis). Timmy is handing out forms for the contest and talks to an American black woman, Blackbird (Nicola Blackman, with the voice of Miriam Margoyles). Timmy drives a go-kart to impress a girl (Deborah Brayshaw) and her friend but crashes into a barn where Sid is having sex. Timmy's parents, Mr. Lea (Bill Maynard) and Mrs. Lea (Dandy Nichols), Sid's wife Rosie (Sheila White) and their toddler Jason (Jake Cooper) arrive at the train station to head to the camp. They look for a car that has been arranged for them, but take the wrong, getting a black car along with grieving relatives going to a funeral. After arriving, Timmy's father winds up taking part in the camp's Mealtime Marathon. Blackbird goes to Timmy's office where they have sex, their noisy lovemaking keeps Sid awake in the opposite room. Timmy is next visited by Gladys aka "Glad" (Caroline Ellis) who wants to discuss the contest. They are interrupted when Timmy's mother brings him clean clothes. While Glad is hiding in the closet, Sid comes round, mistaking the mother's visit for being another woman wanting sex. Glad comes out of the closet to seduce him, and Bender catches Sid peeking through the window. Timmy's father falls asleep on the beach and causes quarrelling with Kevin's Dad and Bender. The biweekly progress report and self-evaluation session see positive results from interest in the upcoming contest. Whitemonk suggests a baking contest. Timmy goes to the sauna but gets locked in with a woman whose husband won't let her enter the contest claiming she is fat. Whitemonk and Brigitte see what they think is a streaker during the evening, not realising it is Timmy. The sun comes out and Timmy is blowing up inflatables for the pool. Brigitte finds Timmy and they make love while the airpipe has been left on and bursts an inflatable. Whitemonk is with Sid in the restaurant, which has a glass portal with a view into the camp's swimming pool. Timmy and Brigitte fall into the pool naked, with Sid trying desperately to distract Whitemonk from seeing them. But Whitemonk sees a naked man in the pool. Timmy grabs a towel and walks into the Funfrall Radio studio. The announcer (Kim Hardy) and Timmy have sex whilst the intercom is switched on and their lovemaking is broadcast over the camp tannoy for everyone to hear. Sid is angry with Timmy and wants him to find the judging panel. Sid is upset when Rosie says she is entering the contest. Timmy and Sid cause chaos trying to fix a broken sink, again angering Kevin's Dad. Bender is water-skiing and Brigitte suggests Timmy should try to do it; he knocks Whitemonk and Sid into the lake. Whitemonk needs his wife Antonia (Liz Fraser) picked up and he asks Timmy to do it. Timmy drives her to the funfair, and she wants to have sex. Timmy's parents go on the Ghost Train ride and catch him with Mrs. Whitemonk. They wind up outside scantily clothed with Mr. Whitemonk watching. In Timmy's room, Blackbird, the Married Woman, Mrs. Whitemonk, and Brigitte come to see him in succession, all being thrown one by one together in the cupboard. Bender confronts Timmy about being the "phantom streaker" when Whitemonk walks in to find the women all over him. The vicar (Leonard Woodrow) and the mayor (Lauri Lupino Lane) are on the judging panel for the contest. Famous all round entertainer Alberto Smarmi (David Auker) arrives to play piano. Lead entertainer Roughage (Colin Crompton) replaces the celebrity compare who has not arrived and introduces each girl who has entered. Kevin is sawing the leg off the piano and throws cake at Blackbird. Timmy is mistaken for throwing it. She throws a pie in his face, he throws one at Whitemonk, and a cake fight breaks out with everyone. Timmy and Sid try to cycle away but crash into the lake. In his narration, Timmy reminisces that they need to find careers suited to their "talents". It ends with the announcer asking for a lost boy to be collected, she says "Will his daddy come collect his little Willie". Also starring Sue Upton as Reen, Charlie Stewart as Piper, Carrie Jones as Bikini Girl, Julia Bond as Bikini Girl, Betty Hare as Mourner, Winifred Braemar as Mourner, Bertie Hare as Mourner, and Margot Field as Mrs. Dimwiddy. Askwith as the accident-prone lead is okay, Booth as his brother-in-law and Maynard as his father are mildly amusing, but British talents Davies and Fraser are wasted in supporting roles. I will say that there was one, and only one, positive thing which was the opening song, "Give Me England" by The Wurzels. The script relies on obvious and ineffective innuendos, the visual jokes involving mishaps and predictable custard pie throwing are just embarrassing, the high amount of nudity is too crude to find arousing or enjoyable, most of the time you are just left open-mouthed and almost nauseous, it is a highly dreadful, deplorable, unfunny sex comedy. Poor!
Review of Confessions from a Holiday Camp
