The Lords of Magick (1989) User Reviews

Worst fantasy movie I've ever seen

[jstok · 4 October 2006]

As a serious bad movie aficionado, this is up there with the very worst I've seen. Not just straight to video, but shot on video with video effects that 80s Canadian public access TV would be ashamed of, it features medieval sets that look like they were borrowed from a grade school pantomime, extras clearly recruited from a renaissance fair purely for their ability to provide their own costumes, and two brothers, Michael and Ulric, who are just about the most unlikeable heroes ever put to video.

Princess Luna (or Princess Moon, or Princess Lina -- she's called all three) is kidnapped by the dark lord Saletin... well, you pretty much know this part. To cut to the chase, our heroes are coshed and abducted from the nearest brothel where they were eyeing topless wenches, and tasked to travel to present day (in 1989) Los Angeles where Lord Saletin has hidden Luna in a cunning move to save on locations. Once they get there, they meander around aimlessly searching for exposition and the main villain, who spends the entire movie taunting them from an undisclosed location. In a profoundly adolescent touch, they have been told that the princess has a special birthmark on her left breast, so they rip the top off virtually every woman they meet to see if she is the princess they seek. You think I'm making this up. I'm not.

Whenever the plot really drags, our heroes are attacked at random by police, street punks, zombie bikers, and at one point concerned citizens who are outraged that our heroes have just sexually assaulted a woman in the street. It has already been established that the heroes' magic can teleport them out of any jam, yet they insist on duking it out in sequence after sequence of badly choreographed fights.

After one such fight, they team up with a 20th century D&D fanboy who has the vital special skill of being able to drive them to the villain's hidden lair. The third co-star has a distinct quality of "cousin James is prepared to put up $5,000 for financing, but he wants a leading role" about him. In one fight, instead of helping him, our heroes nobly start betting about when he'll bite it.

Boring, clichéd, with sub-adolescent sexual "humour", and paced so poorly it seems like the toughest obstacle the protagonists face is doing the paperwork to get into the local library's convenient vault of eldritch magic tomes, "Lords of Magick" is an abortion of a movie, utterly without redeeming merit. Do not watch it for the zombies or the topless wenches. In no way do they make up for the sheer tedium and humiliating embarrassment of enduring this turkey. You can actually see the expression play over Ruth Zakarian's face as she thinks "I'm so going to fire my agent."

So bad it's hilarious

[soneil12 · 1/10 · 3 January 2005]

My friends & I went to the video library once in the hopes of getting a blood & guts action film. We were thinking something along the lines of Conan or one of it's many 80s clones. What we got was this film. At first we were groaning over how bad it was. Then we ended up laughing at how bad it was. There was one part we rewound and watched at least half a dozen times because we were rolling on the floor laughing at the bad special effects when a zombie was run through with a sword. Since then I've got it out from the video library many time to show other people for a laugh. Not many films are good because they're bad but this one is. An absolute must for drunken parties!

The worst movie ever!

[jaturner01 · 1/10 · 28 April 2003]

So, this is by far, is the worst movie I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Whoever designed the set needs to be shot. The set looks like an 8th grade art class designed it. The only way I continued to watch this crap was the fact that it was like a train wreck. I couldn't turn away. I continue to laugh out loud at how sad this `movie' was. It's not even a movie but a joke. This is a film I would use to torture my worst enemy with. This movie is so bad it's almost worth seeing.

lords of craps

[genx-1 · 1/10 · 24 October 2002]

We have a weekly session call "hard balls" ("huevos cuadrados" in spanish). In this sessions some of my friends try to get the lamest movie he can rent and the all of us must watch it (violence can be allowed), and I can say this is the most horrible film we've ever seen. Porn frame quality. The next one... C.H.U.D II Bud, the Chud

Uhh

[BandSAboutMovies · 2/10 · 30 January 2023]

Ulrich (Mark Gauthier) and Michael (Jarrett Parker) are brothers from the age of warriors and sorcerers. They get arrested for witchcraft and kidnapping Princess Luna (Devon Pierce), a crime they have nothing to do with. The real enemy is Salatin (Brendan Dillon Jr.) who has escaped with Luna to another dimension - Beastmaster 2 alert, it's Los Angeles - and get back home, except that Ulrich ends up turning evil. Sorry to spoil that, as it's the most original part of this.

David Marsh directed, wrote, produced, edited and did the special effects for this and well, he had a vision. Did the vision live up to what was in his head? Who can say? He somehow made this with hardly any budget, thousands of ideas, a cast of unknowns and extras who came from the Society for Creative Anachronism.

There's a lot of fog, some awesome zombies, wizards who show up in mirrors and two out of time wizards screaming at cars (and one of them excited about how much more attractive sex workers are in 1989 than where he comes from).

A fantastic romp without the benefit of Hollywood

[arion1 · 9/10 · 25 January 2002]

I first saw Lords of Magick at Fukumura Video in Kitami, Japan. I was working as an ESL (English as a Second Language) and needed a break. What a treat this was on a snowy evening!

Lords of Magicks is very much an amateur's film: some of the swords were obviously picked up at Cost Plus Imports; the final battle takes place at the director's business; some parts of 10th century England look suspiciously like a California park; the film appears to have been shot on videotape, rather than reel-to-reel film, but the film displays two critical elements: simplicity, and energy.

What Lords of Magick lacks in Hollywood glitz, in makes up in its earnest simplicity: a princess is kidnapped by an evil wizard, and two young wizards (woefully unequal to the task) are railroaded to rescue her. Clichéd? Sure! The movie even makes fun of its own plot, "Another captured princess? How common!"

This kind of humor shows up again and again, which never fails to encourage laughter. When the villain froths at the mouth and makes a threat of doom when the princess is rescued from his clutches, Thomas (Brendan Dillon Jr.) remarks, "Lighten up, dude! You're so intense!"

There aren't very many films that can portray their own energy, but this is one of them. The film attempts (and for the most part succeeds) in attending to every one of the elements of a fantasy adventure. From time travel to sorcery, from gallantry to temptation, Lords of Magick shows that you don't have to have state-of-the-art special effects or an all-star cast, you just have to believe.

Sometimes that belief can lead you astray, however. During the final battle at Marsh Electronics (which I believe is the director's business--it seems just a bit too coincidental if it wasn't the same person) our heroes suddenly find themselves battling the living dead, who come out of the walls. This sequence was never fully explained, nor does the scene add anything to the duel between the two wizards other than confusion.

All the same, I'm glad I paid my 1800 Yen for my copy. It's a film I can go back to again and again just to ejoy it for what it is: a romp through fantasy, a sword and sorcery epic without musclebound goons stumbling over their lines, or excess Hollywood schmaltz!

Nine stars!

Enthusiastic amateur fantasy

[Leofwine_draca · 6/10 · 18 August 2016]

It's amateur hour time with this cheap-looking, shot-on-video production which feels like an extended home movie and is a fine example of the kind of obscurities which were released in this country after the advent of home video. Sadly, here the ultra-realism that the camera offers is at odds with the fantasy/mythological kind of "feel" the director/producer is hoping for, but ignoring this fairly major flaw is done easily enough. You see, THE LORDS OF MAGICK has the distinction of being one of the most consistently entertaining - if amateurishly made - home movies that I've ever witnessed, mainly due to the use of simplistic '80s computer effects. What they make lack in quality they sure make up for in quantity, as I counted at least two hundred separate effects used in this movie.

Things begin in a cheap-looking castle set where we see a baddie enter, use a green ray to kill a guard, and fire red lasers from his eyes. Brendan Dillon Jr. is playing the bad guy, an evil sorcerer, and goes completely over the top in his role as the cackling, gloating villain. We see the princess get kidnapped and then the film begins for real, introducing us to a pair of non-actor wizard brothers. One is called Ulric, the other Michael (!). Incidentally, absolutely none of the actors or actresses in this film have ever appeared in anything else, so I'll let you guess as to the quality of the acting on display here.

The brothers are enjoying themselves in a cheesy tavern scene, populated by unexplained topless wenches and a Gary Glitter lookalike! Soon they are captured by the king's guard and taken to a really cheap-looking court, which is basically a fake stone room with a red carpet and a throne. The king saves their lives and tells them to rescue the princess to save their lives. They agree, but must find out the location of the princess first of all. They do this by bringing a hanging corpse back to life! Cue lots more cheap and cheesy computer sparkle effects. The corpse directs them to a temple of Salatin, whom they resurrect by urinating over his shrine! It's that kind of film. After a miniature Merlin (!) appears, the brothers are transported to present-day (well '86) America where the scene is set for lots of "out of place" humour and run-ins with the general population. This is a good thing, because a) there wasn't enough money to keep using olden-day sets, and b) it's kind of disconcerting to watch scenes supposedly set in ancient England where the actors all have American accents. Oh yeah, and to time travel, the brothers have to fly through a tunnel in some of the lousiest effects shots I've ever witnessed.

After some run-ins with the police (they teleport out of the car) and a cool fight with a street gang, the brothers team up with a new friend, Thomas (who is the spitting image of Scott Bakula, believe me). After this they are attacked by a driverless car and go to a haunted house, where a glowing-eyed corpse rises from its tomb to attack them! They rescue the levitating princess and barely escape from Salatin with their lives. On their way home, the quartet are again attacked by the street gang who have now become zombies! There's a cool motorbike stunt, lots of teleporting and computer effects, a man getting set on fire, a zombie getting its hand cut off and another pulling out its own intestines! Sadly things become less frenzied at this point until we're just biding time until the end. The heroes have to face yet more perils (like a demonic librarian), until one of them - Ulric - is seduced by Salatin into seeing a prostitute and becomes possessed by evil...or something like that anyway. Things culminate in a big warehouse fight between Michael and Salatin where the pair exchange repeated magic bolts as they battle together. This looks like a cheap version of the fun battle between Karloff and Price in THE RAVEN. The sound effects are that of fireworks being set off! In the end, there are yet more impressive effects, like the "sphere of Lucifer", a glowing demon face.

Well, what can I say? The special effects alone are what hooked me with this film. Sure they're cheap and unrealistic (as in, say, WITCHCRAFT) but there are a lot of them which must have taken some time to do back in those days. In regards to the film itself, it's obviously heavily inspired by HIGHLANDER and contains a similar plot and duels. Even the swords spark in combat like at the end of that movie. The acting is wooden from everyone in the cast; the two brothers are likable buffoons but hardly memorable. The princess hardly has any lines either, just seems to be there to display cleavage! In its favour, THE LORDS OF MAGICK has some simple, unassuming comedy in it which makes it easier to like, although for the most part it's commendably played straight. One niggle, though - when one of your main characters is killed at the end, don't find an excuse to bring him back to life in a sentimental way! Leave him dead, it's better like that! In all, THE LORDS OF MAGICK is a quirky amateur production in which the enthusiasm shines through, making it better and more entertaining than other similar efforts.

Best film I've ever seen!

[theinfected-11533 · 10/10 · 13 August 2020]

A lot of people like watching films that are so bad they're good, some people say that a film being bad is not funny at all. I'm usually part of the latter, but this film has changed me. There are so many lines I quote with my friends and family, I feel compelled to show this film to everyone I know. It looks like it was made by college students for a school project, but they don't really care enough to make it good, and that somehow makes it even better! The story is pretty basic, wizards save princess from evil wizard, but the characters, the dialogue and the action are just all so perfectly horrible. If you like watching films that are so bad they're good, you should definitely watch this, and if you don't, then this film might change your mind.

Low budget and low quality fantasy

[lor_ · 7 May 2023]

My review was written in February 1990 after watching the movie on Prism video cassette.

Overly ambitious low-budget feature takes ancient wizards a thousand years into present-day Los Angeles in their battle with an evildoer named Saladin. Poor special effects sink this direct-to-video release.

Jarrett Parker and Mark Gauthier play the two young 10th century magicians charged with necromancy, who travel to the future to retrieve a lovely, kidnapped princess (Ruth Zackarian). The expected culture clash in '80s L. A. is pretty tame, though Gauthier has a sexual encounter with a sassy black prostitute (Rene St. Peter).

Animated special effects are amateurish and the final battle in a warehouse with Saladin (Brendan Dillon Jr.) is poor.