Drawn Together (2004–2007)

Adam Carolla: Spanky Ham

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Spanky and Clara are neck deep in a ball pit and are discussing her bigoted views] 

  Princess Clara : I don't see why I should apologize. I mean, where I come from all my servants are black... or Presbyterian.

  Spanky Ham : Yea, but honey, where you come from animated objects spring to life and spout silly catchphrases.

  Blue Ball : [springs to life]  Whach'u talkin' 'bout, pig?

  Princess Clara : No, he's right, Blue Ball. Maybe I should just apologize.

  Blue Ball : Usually, Clara looks to us for advice, but this time it came from Spanky. It's a good thing too, because I was going tell her to shoot the President.

• Spanky Ham : Oh, this is too good. She thinks you're a servant... CAUSE YOU'RE BLACK!

• Spanky Ham : They're gonna cut off my health insurance? I'll be more diseased than Dumpy the Medical Waste Man!

  Dumpy the Medical Waste Man : [Cut to medical waste container full of syringes]  Kill Me!

• Captain Hero : Hey, pig! Great news!

  Wooldoor Sockbat : Foxxy just bought us an insane amount of alcohol!

  Captain Hero : Are you defecating into a cantalope?

  Spanky Ham : [farts]  Uh... this is awkward. I guess if I waited an hour, I coulda blamed it on the booze.

• Vietnamese kid : Please Honorable Spanky-san. We are losing our jobs and we can't eat or live.

  Spanky Ham : Yeah? Well, me no care-y!

• Spanky Ham : What you need is some good old-fashioned positive reinforcement. You can do this.

  [starts whipping Ling-Ling] 

  Spanky Ham : I respect you because you're you! There's two I's in Ling Ling!

• Spanky Ham : [laughing]  Oh My God! she thinks your our servant, cause your black! Haa Haa, this is the best day of my miserable life, SWEEET! I love racism!

• [Clara just called Spanky's hobby of craping on pizza a little game] 

  Spanky Ham : What? What did you just say? The travel sized version of Battleships, *that's* a little game! Screwing with the Pizza Man, that's a way of life! Its who-I-Am!

• Spanky Ham : Says to Princess Clara - if that will get you out of this ball-pit so I can check out that precious vertical smile of yours.

• Spanky Ham : Nothin reminds me of my first time like a chick crying!

• Spanky Ham : I don't remember ordering a pizza...

  [opens a box with his turd in it] 

  Spanky Ham : with sausage!

• Spanky Ham : Why must I ruin everything beautiful?

• Spanky Ham : I, for one, am not just going to wait around to be swallowed by a giant vagina!

  [thinks for a minute] 

  Spanky Ham : Huh? Oh... wait, no, no, no.