Frasier (TV Series)

Mother Load: Part 1 (2002)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Cam Winston : Listen, Crane: You may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Cam, if there is any benefit to me, it is the cleaner air which we will all now breathe.

  Cam Winston : Oh, get off your high horse. You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?

  Cam Winston : Bigger!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : You should have been at the condo-board meeting, Dad. You missed all the excitement.

  Martin Crane : Don't tell me: People argued about some dumb building policy and then you all had cookies.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Not this time. I gave the greatest speech of my condo-board career, which led to a vote, which led to the ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the subbasement.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Then, we had cookies.

• [discussing Daphne and Niles' moving in together] 

  Martin Crane : Well, I guess from now on it's just you and I.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : "You and me," Dad.

  Martin Crane : This is gonna be great.

• Niles : In the last five days, that woman has made my life a living hell.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You wanna trade? Simon put my sixty-five-dollar apricot skin polish on his muffins!

• Simon Moon : Don't cry, mum. I really though this junket to America would cheer you up.

  Niles : It still can. Go away.

  [Daphne gives Niles a weird look] 

  Niles : I mean... Get out there, and see the country.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, that is a splendid idea. This land is rich with snow covered mountains, sun kissed beaches... wild, untamed rivers and a-a warm, loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this... America.

  [an American flag unfurls outside Frasier's window] 

  Niles : How did you do that?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Frasier fumes silently and runs to the door]  Cam Winston!

• Cam Winston : [Cam has just parked his monstrous SUV, blocking Frasier's car door]  Hello, Frasier. Still driving a sedan?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, at least mine fits in the allotted space. Unlike this new... behemoth you're driving.

  Cam Winston : Actually, it's the Behemoth XL.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, I am an orator. It is not only that which is said, but the passion with which it is said.

  Martin Crane : You're saying it now and it just sounds like a lot of hooey.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : That's because I'm not orating right now.

• Martin Crane : You think that's smart, ticking off the guy that lives right above us?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, we are protected by this building's constitution. Believe me, I will have Cam cited for a noise violation if he so much as drops a hint.

• [the phone rings and Daphne answers] 

  Daphne : Hello?... Oh, Mum.... Yeah, I'm sorry; I've been meaning to call, but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I do not!

  Martin Crane : Let her say whatever she needs to.

  Daphne : Yeah, and poor old Mr. Crane is so feeble, he can't even make it to the loo by himself.

  Martin Crane : Hey!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, will you relax? You always make a good first impression.

  Niles : Second impression - the first impression, I made when I kidnapped their daughter from her wedding.