Married... with Children (TV Series)

How Bleen Was My Kelly (1995)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : Where the hell is my paycheck going?

  Bud Bundy : Ah, well, luckily, Dad, I've put all the family finances right here in this computer.

  Al Bundy : You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.

  Peggy Bundy : You know, that reminds me of our sex life.

  Al Bundy : That's putting something I have in something I don't like.

• Kelly Bundy : Daddy, Bleen is not a shampoo. It's a bunch of deadly chemicals that I mixed together at the lab. It's possible that this tingling that you're feeling could be a massive stroke.

  Al Bundy : Either way, I thank you.

• Al Bundy : Gentlemen, we are on the horns of a dilemma. By marketing Bleen, we'll make millions. Well, I will. But we'll also be condemning mankind to a lifetime of lights-on, bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Okay, okay, then it's settled. We can't sell Bleen. We'd be as hated as the guy who invented the G-spot.

  Bob Rooney : Hey, who was that guy?

  Ike : I don't know. Kenny G?

• Al Bundy : [bangs on the door]  Peg! Bud! Would you get the door? My arms are full!

  Peggy Bundy , Bud Bundy : Coming!

  [Neither Peggy or Bud move an inch from their spots and Al is forced to let himself in] 

  Al Bundy : [sarcastically]  Ah, there's no place like home.

  Peggy Bundy : Al, if you're gonna come in, could you shut the door?

  Al Bundy : Peg, if you're gonna live here, could you shut your mouth?

• [Al is carrying two large bags of dog food] 

  Al Bundy : You know, Peg, this dog is chewing a hole in our budget. Look at these. Kibbles, dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, actually, Al, those are for Mom.

  Al Bundy : Well, why didn't you say so?

  [Al throws the bags out the front door] 

  Lucky : Ooh, food! An escape from this hellhole.

  [Lucky runs outside after the food] 

• Bud Bundy : [types on the computer]  Dad, look. Look, here's a list of all the salaries of all the occupations in the world. And here is what you make.

  Al Bundy : [looks at the computer]  That's what I make?

  Bud Bundy : Mm-hmm.

  Al Bundy : I'm a paperboy!

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, no, Al, paperboys can afford bicycles.

• Al Bundy : Peg, come here. A Pakistani dirt vendor makes more than I do.

  Peggy Bundy : Yeah, and he probably smells better.

  Al Bundy : Probably has a reason to.

• Peggy Bundy : [after Al grows hair because of Kelly's Bleen]  Hey, Al, what about side effects? You know, no one markets a product without testing it.

  Al Bundy : Oh, no, Peg? Cigarettes? Ford Pinto? That condom I used on our wedding night? Read my lips, Peg. There are no side effects.

  Peggy Bundy : Okay, all right.

  Al Bundy : By the way, Peg, you look really good this afternoon. Who said that?

  Peggy Bundy : Al, that is the nicest thing you've said to me in years.

  Al Bundy : You know, Peg, I have a sudden urge to take you upstairs and have sex with you... Who said that?

  Peggy Bundy : Well, let's go!

  Al Bundy : No, no! Wait a second, Peg. Wait, I better test this Bleen a little bit. Wait! Wait a minute, Peg. Wait, wait!

  [Al and Peggy stop] 

  Al Bundy : God, you look beautiful. Who the hell said that? I'm a mad dog! Somebody shoot me!

• Al Bundy : [looks on the computer]  You know, Peg, there's gotta be someone out there even more worthless than me.

  Peggy Bundy : Yeah, well, I'd like to meet him.

  [Al suddenly discovers something] 

  Al Bundy : Well, here it is, Peg. Occupation: None. Skill: None. Use: None. Peg, say hi to Public Loafer Number One!

  [a picture of Peggy appears on the computer] 

  Al Bundy : [victoriously]  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!