Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Implant (1993)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jerry Seinfeld : She was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left.

  Elaine Marie Benes : He can't go left.

  Jerry Seinfeld : No. I'm lefty. Can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?

  Elaine Marie Benes : No. We just play defense.

• Jerry Seinfeld : You know, I do kind of wonder what fake breasts feel like.

  Cosmo Kramer : Well I know what they feel like.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You? How would you know?

  Cosmo Kramer : Well, I lived in Los Angeles for 3 months.

• Elaine Marie Benes : Come on, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yes they do.

  Elaine Marie Benes : I never knew you were so much into breasts. I thought you were a leg man.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.

• Elaine Marie Benes : You've dated women with nose jobs before, so what's the big deal?

  Jerry Seinfeld : You don't touch the nose, you don't aspire to reach the nose, you don't unhook anything to get to the nose and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril!

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : I don't belong to a health club. I have a strict limit on the number of naked men I need to see in one day: zero. That's it. What is with the high level of security at the health clubs? The picture ID's, the security guards, the people signing in and out. What is this, the Kremlin? I mean, the people that have a membership go twice a year. Who's breaking in? Is this a big problem, people stealing exercise? And what if they catch the person? What then? They run. It's aerobic. Makes it even worse.

• [last lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people today... Liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking machine. Now, you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just order it off the menu: "I'll tell you what. Give me the cheesecake. Crank me up to nine, and put a scoop of ice cream on the side."